A Stress-Induced Enlightened State

Reaching the point of stressed-induced enlightened state has been quite the experience. It's not only made me quite freer but it's almost made me understand more of myself. Or perhaps I've just started to spout so much bullshit to keep me going that it's begun to sound pretty darn good to my own ears.

Even My Dad Does Sometimes

I've been listening to Ed Sheeran's "Even My Dad Does Sometimes" almost every day. The song is sad and the picture the lyrics paint is a rather dismal picture but this song has become very importantly to me lately. It's exactly how I feel almost every day. Especially the line "Live life like you're giving up. 'Cause you act like you are." And I feel like that's how I've been acting lately.

Haha, I say 'lately' as if it's just been a week or two. More like five or six months. Such is life.

"It's alright to die, 'cause death is the only thing you haven't tried" is another line that brings me comfort because it's true. Granted, I haven't tried everything I'd like to but death truly is the ultimate challenge and we only get to experience it once. That's why the phrase "Go out like a bang" was created, wasn't it? "Go ahead and just live it up" is another lyric that makes the earlier phrases even more legitimate. You only die once so live it up, do it with style. Death should mean something, any time a person dies, it should mean something. Whether it makes people mourn, cry or feel vindicated, a death should mean something. It's only cruel if they die for no reason. If no one cares about a death, that's truly sad. There are more and more deaths happening that people just don't care about. Is it because we've become to de-sensitized? Maybe...but is everyone de-sensitized? No. At least I'm not...I can say that with 100% percent accuracy.

Today I put my renaissance outfit on for the first time since last October. It was comforting. I imagine a day will come and I'll put my wedding dress on. It would be too sad to put a wedding dress on only once in a person's lifetime. It's been two years--nearly at least--since I've been married and I've warn it a total of..3 times since then...I think... I've mastered zipping it up from behind and everything! It truly was a beautiful dress. Most women think their wedding dresses are beautiful but most think back and go "Oh, I should have went with this type" or wish they'd had a special feature. I guess I'm not completely immune to this sentiment. I wish my dress had a corset tie in the back but alas, the rest of the dress was so perfect that I was perfectly okay with a zipper. And God, I looked beautiful in it. I know that makes me sound conceited but I don't care. I looked so goddamn good in my dress it was amazing. I've never felt so beautiful in my life. I hope and pray ever woman who gets married feels the exact same way I do about my wedding day. Supreme happiness. I was marrying the man I love, I looked beautiful and I felt like a planet for once--in the sense that everyone was there and their focus was all about me--and my husband of course but... What I'm trying to say is I've never felt that before in my entire life. I absolutely cherish that memory for so many reasons...it'd be too hard to count them.

I know I sound like a shallow piece of shit but I don't feel like one.

I listened to the Cavalia soundtrack--I almost said OST, tee hee--today for the first time in a long time and felt like editing my manuscript. Recently my manuscript, or the idea of losing my manuscript, had me in tears with a full blown panic attack. It's made me realize how much that manuscript meant to me. Each word on the 200+ pages is precious to me. Of course that reminded me of the story I've been telling on this very blog--Nae Chingu--and I've felt ashamed for abandoning my characters. Ji Soo most especially, every once in awhile he starts shouting in my head that he's got a confession to make and it's been boiling up inside of him but he needs me to get them out. I suspect the confession, when it does take place, will be rather...boisterous. *shakes head* Poor Ji Soo...but mostly especially poor Mae Ri...she won't even know how to handle it. Thankfully she's got a newly healed Lilliana to help her process it. And of course there are her parents, Lilliana's I mean. Her parents are coming and don't even get me started on how Jong Hwa is going to make Lilliana pay him back. Oh Lilliana...you don't even know.

How did this blog start out by me talking about death and end up with the friends in my head? Haha, life is strange sometimes.

Annyeong Yeoreobun! Saranghae. Totally informal, but what are you gonna do? *shakes head*

A Letter to Firnlambe...

Our friendship came as a bit of a surprise, didn't it? *chuckles* Considering you didn't even like me when we first met. Hell, you don't even remember our first meeting! Bitch...

You were the friend I wished for when I was younger. Don't get me wrong, I had friends that I hung out with and whatnot but I could probably count on my two hands how many "sleepovers" I had. My mom kept us a bit...secluded...and sleepovers only really happened for special events and even then, I had to be home pretty early the following day. 

Now I have sleepovers all the time and they can last for days. Well, we used too any way. Things have been a little too complicated lately to have as many sleepovers as we used too but hey, that's life right? 

You're probably wondering why I am writing this to you but...I have no reason other than to show my appreciate towards you for the whole interwebs to see. Last night--you know what I'm talking about--you kept your head and dealt with my craziness in stride rather than looking at me like "What the fuck..." which means more to me than you'll ever know. This isn't the first time it's happened in front of you, either. You get enough people to look at you like "What the fuck..." and it starts to leave a mark on people's psyche. 

I'm not perfect and you know that. In fact, many things are different for me, *chuckles*. But you accept it even when I can see that it annoys you. 

I'm not saying we won't ever fight in the future or have our days that we literally repel each other--case in point, B.A.P--but knowing that it's temporary and I can always come back to you and know it'll always be alright, means the absolute world to me. 

Kamsahamnida jeongmal, Eonni.

Touch my Kyuhyun though, and I'll forget I ever wrote these words. ;) Saranghamnida. 

Two pennies for the show...

You learn a lot a out yourself when you think about hurting yourself. I can laugh at it nowadays even though at the time, it felt terrible.

Here's an example: Whats the difference between someone purposefully burning themselves and those who purposefully cutting themselves? The end result is the same right? Pain.

Well any woman who has given birth will tell you there are different levels of pain. Hell, I suppose a man who has ever been kicked in the testicles, will tell you there are different levels of pain. To me, this is fact--unless you are one of the people with the rare disorder Congenital Insensitivity to Pain w/anhidrosis, or CIPA. Then...obviously you dont feel pain.

Its not very different with Burning or Cutting--it brings on pain as a way of--for some people like me--releasing built up emotion that is otherwise unable to find an outlet.

But burning lasts longer and hurts more than cutting. Cutting is a sharp pain--fire leaves more of a duller, slow pain. But not even just the pain that goes intobconsideration. There's the aftercare!

If we are discussing those who do not cut with the intention of killing themselves, cutting is the easier way to go. Its a sharp, quick pain that merely hurts for a few hours. Burns are not quite so easy. Burns automatically sends the "area of damage" into lockdown, crisis mode in the sense that it enlists the immune system into helping take care of the burned skin. The healing starts immediately but takes days to finish. Burns are also more susceptible to infection. At any moment, necrotizing fascitiis (or skin eating bacteria) could be on our skin and if you get that little guy in your burned area--well you might as well say goodbye to your appendage and if you dont catch it in time, you might just say goodbye to your life.

Because the body is having to regrow several milimeters of new skin, which has 5 layers in and of itself , the spot becomes tender for much longer than that of a razor cut.

Most people choose to have a quicker healing process. I, for example, needed to heal quickly so I could hide it better. Not to mention, I didnt want to deal with the medicinal care that burns require. Nope, slice and dice, get my emotional-release fix and Im on my way. 

Not very many people understand cutting besides those who have taken part in it but let me assure you, we do get something out of it. Its akin to taking a deep breath and saying "Whoo-saaa". However,  the feeling and reasons behind cutting differ for everyone.

I promised mh husband many years ago--never thought Id be in a relationship long enough to say "many years ago" but that is a pure sign of me getting older--anywho, I promised my husband that I wouldn't cut anymore. I have relapsed a couple timea over the past eight years but have (for the most part) kept my end of the bargain.

I have found an alternative! Tattoos! Same level of pain, same level of emotional release but eirh artwork instead of scars. Ive also heard of "scarification"--the act of slicing the skin with the intention of decorative scarring.

That would be a long way off because I very much doubt that when my husband said "We'll discuss it in the future" that he actually had any intention of letting me allow someone to purposefully cut my skin.

I suppose by now I sound positively insane. *shrugs* Im not but then again, I suppose every insane person denies their insanity.

Maybe thinking that we arent insane is insanity itself.

Fuck philosphy. I took it in college my first semester. Surprised the heck out of me when I passed. Math, on the other hand, I had to take twice. But not philosophy. 

My father told me I should be a psychologist because I have pretty good  insight but I think all psycologists are either 1) have spent their life trying to self-diagnose themselves; and/or 2) are trying to hide their own fucked up nature.

I put little to no stock in it, depending on the subject. If we are talking actual mental development issues, Im all for using psycology as a way for helping people. If we are talking about why "mommy/daddy didnt love me"-type situations, then please leave me out of it.

Which type of psycologist do you think are in my family?

Yup, that about sums it up.

-Aunnie

A penny's worth....

I have to go back and get another MRI. My head problems started almost a year ago--September will be the anniversary.

I wish I didn't hope it was cancer. This is the thought that floats around my head and it's terrifying. The cancer part isn't terrifying. It'd almost be a relief because then I'd know what was causing the fluid build up in my brain.

No, the terrifying part would be what would happen afterwards. Would my family worry about me? I'm not stupid enough to think that they wouldn't be worried or scared but would they show the same amount of worry--emotion, in general--that they show my sister?

You want to talk about sibling rivalry? I feel like I'm always at the bottom of the totem pole in my family and right at the top, the very highest position, is my sister in all her unsettling glory. It's been like that since the age of 13. Thirteen years later and I'm circling the same wrestling match against my sister and winner takes all. I'm usually the loser.

The first time I felt special in this family was last September when I was sick. I was in such pain that I could no longer hold it inside. My mom took care of me. She made me stay at her house just so she could take care of me. And when I finally discovered why I was sick, she looked so concerned for me that I felt like a horrible person for feeling good even while being sick. I made a lot of people worry and it felt good. I'm a despicable person for feeling that way, I know it.

My family expects me to be strong; I can't fall apart no matter what the occasion because well...I never have before. But I want to so bad that I can't seem to get my mind off of all the possible ways I could make my life a wreck. I want to smoke cigarettes in front of them just to appall them but I don't. Why? I don't want to disappoint them--and they will be disappointed. I just want to make them worry. I want to scare them into remembering that I'm a daughter too. I'm not a colleague, I'm not a friend, I'm their daughter.

The only thing holding me together is these medications and my husband. My husband has held me together for nearly 8 years but now I need support myself with medication. Now I just feel tired. I would never give up on life but I want to.

These just seem like a lot of crazy ramblings from a crazy person and I am a crazy person. I love who I am. I just wish I felt like I was worth what I know I am worth in my heart to my parents.

I was born to fix a marriage and to provide companionship for my older sister. Is that all I'm destined to be? I hope not.

-Aunnie

Truth or Dare

One of my husband's cousins is getting married next month; this past weekend was the date of her bridal shower and bachelorette party. My mother-in-law, who is usually the first to say the oddest things, called me after the bridal shower and told me she had a bet going with my sister-in-law, her daughter. Apparently my sister-in-law argued that most newlyweds do not use every item a woman receives at her bachloerette party. The following was our conversation:

Mother-in-law (MiL): "Aunnie? Did you use every gift you received at your bachelorette party?"

Me: ". . . *Silence* . . . *chuckle*. . . Why?"

MiL: "I'm just curious."

Me: ". . . *Silence* . . . This isn't like the circumcision question, is it?"

MiL: "*Laughs* No, no, no."

Me: "Yeah, we used all of them."

Sister-in-law: "Well, no normal people use all of the gifts!"

The implication that my husband and I were abnormal was something I took as a compliment. However, the conversation took me back to my own bachelorette party and I dug up one of the more...abnormal gifts we received: a "Cosmo's Truth or Dare; Our Naughtiest Sex Game Ever!" I do not see a copyright stamp but I give full rights to the creator because this game is cool.

There are one hundred and twenty cards in all and each card has a truth or dare question/challenge. I've gone through a few--not all because I do not wish to ruin the game for any who might be interested--and some of the questions/challenges are entertaining and sometimes...a little enticing. If you're into that sort of thing.

One such card read:

• Truth: "Neck? Ear? Collarbone? Which of those body parts do you prefer me to nibble on?"
• Dare: Nibble on my earlobe for two minutes. 

...huh...I daresay those are interesting. 

Another:

• Truth: "What physical trait of mine first caught your eye?
• Dare: Choose one part of your body, and I'll massage it for thirty seconds--but only that one part, so choose wisely?

If a woman picked that card, she may take a minute to answer because nine out of ten, she'll pick a spot that actually needs to be massaged--shoulder, back, leg, are just a couple examples. A man? A man will, nine out of ten times, pick one area--if you catch my drift. Stereotypical? Maybe, but there are stereotypes for a reason. 

Last card before I close out the blog: 

• Truth: How long would your ideal quickie last? Describe every moment.
• Dare: Write an explicit note to me, then hide it someplace where I'll find it.

Dare kind of sounds like a fun, scavenger type game--also known as the "safer" route to travel.  Truth sounds like the preemptive strike that would start World War III. I know I can not be the only one to think this...

Well, I hope I entertained some people. See ya next time! 

A Name's Worth

This is my son: Dobby Vincent Valentine. Quite the name for such a small, furry fella but using only one name seemed somewhat disingeniune to the living being I've decided to take care of. A pet is more than an object; it is something you dedicate time and emotion on so calling them something as simple as what we call every day appliances--microwave, vacuum, straightener--seems unfair.

Most people only get to name a handful of living beings and couldnt possibly use all their favorite names! Picking a name for your children, well, thatcould quite possibly one of the hardest choices in your life! 

My husband and I have debated many times what to name our future children. Luckily for me, my husband is letting me get my way for our future daughter's name. It was a name I'd chosen in High School and never had any intention of compromising on: Lilliana Jasmine. 

My mother argues that it is too long of a name to give to a small human. In my eyes, my little human wont always be little. Sure, it may be a somewhat difficult at first but eventually my child will pick it up. 

Its the boy's name we are debating. I told him he could pick the boy's name with the understanding that I can veto names I absolutely cannot agree with. Names such as Lieot, Elric, Zander,  and Kain have been discussed but what can I expect when his best two best friend's children are named Kaladin and Gideon. They are both wonderful names and they are a little different which is exactly what I want for my children's name. However, my child is the one who has to live with it! Therefore, am I morally responsible to take their future opinion into account? Had my parents asked me, 'Heather' is not where that conversation would have ended up. 

However, 'Heather' is not an altogether bad name. In fact, its a respectable name considering its normality! It is not common, nor is it "over used' like such names as 'Sarah', 'Amanda', or 'Jessica'. Once again, these are fine names but you are 5x more likely to run into a Sarah, Amanda or Jessica than you are to the a Heather. 

So I guess my question is...am I morally obligated to take my future child's opinion into consideration when choosint a name or am I allowed to indulge myself and pick a name of my preference?

I guess I won't know until I have children of my own...

-Aunnie

Moments in Life

Life would be boring without memorable moments. Whether its hanging out with friends, meeting your future spouses or the birth of your child, these are amazing moments. However, not all moments are good.

As an example, I had one if the scariest moments of my life recently. I came home to find my youngest son (of the feline variety) locked out on our 3rd story balcony.

And the worst part of it . . . I still have no idea how he got out.

Miraclously, he didnt fall off the balcony or jump over to the adjacent balcony a mere foot away. I dont know whether he was too scared to get close to the edge or not curious enough to make the dangerous leap to investigate the neighboring balcony, which is his usual nature.

The very idea that my pseudo-son could have died is, to borrow a quote from J.R. Ward, "not something I could do in the hypothetical".

I had a good freak out moment and cried, held my son and, of course, thanked the Lord above for not taking away one of the most precious people--for he is a person to me--in my life.

However, not all moments are horrifying. One of the happiest moments of my life was getting into the college I wanted.  Til the day I die, I will never forget the phone call. I had been denied first and was devastated because I wouldnt be able to go to the only college I ever wanted to go too but my mother found a loophole. I didnt even know she'd been looking but she found it and when she called me, she only asked me one question: "Do you still want to go to St. Cloud State University?" I had given a very lackluster "Yes" because I didnt believe I'd be able to get in but then she said she found a way. I burst into tears and fell to the floor.

It wouldn't be until later that I realized people weren't lying when they said "Everything happens for a reason." Had I been accepted on the first try, I would never have met the person who would ultimately introduce me to my future husband.

I still dont want to believe everything happens for a reason because so many horrible and despicable things happen for no apparent reason at all but maybe, just maybe, there is a reason for some things...

The Idea of a Picture

Update on the resident Black Lagoon making those hellish sounds from my endarkened corner of the parking lot. I discovered a curious lack of sound on July 4th and again this evening, July 5th. The factory behind my parking lot treeline is uncharacteristically dark. Meaning, the lights around the building are off.  This usually means one of two things; 1) either the area has lost electricity in which case I, too, would be affected; or 2) they are closed due to the holiday. I am inclined to believe the latter.

I am comforted in knowing the mystery of the sounds.

I saw fireworks last night from four different celebrations. It reminded me of my favorite advertisement logo: Disney.  I'm not talking the 1990's span across the silver, spiked globe or the blue screen with a crossing rainbow. Im talking the newest one. Top of the tower with a retreating camera span to a starry-lit city surrounding a castle with a cool, smooth stream near it. Yeah, that one.

Which of course led me to thinking about two of my favorite images in the world:

1) The Mummry Returns: Imotep is standing on a balcony with the reincarnated Princess Anuk-su-na-mun (?) and he uses his magic to show her a vision of their previous lives and it spans out to show Ancient Egypt. Its a beautiful night scape with the pyramids dimly lit by torchlight and ancient-style boats navigating, what I can only assume is, the Nile--although Geographically speaking, I'm not entirely sure that is accurate--and it makes me speechless.

2) The other picture belongs to Thomas Kinkade. He was known as the 'Painter of Light' while he was alive. He made stunning paintings that always make me think of a fairy land. The name of the painting is 'Make A Wish Cottage'. If I were going to live in any fantasy,  that is where I would go. It is the most peaceful image I could think up. If you have never seen Thomas Kinkade's artwork, I suggest taking five minutes of your time and googling this artist.

Well I am starting to feel buggy on my balcony which is never a good sign so I shall retire for the evening...or is it morning? My friend likes to believe it is not morning unless they have gone to bed and woken up. I'm inclined to agree.

Good night, Annyeonghi Gaseyo. 

-Aunnie

Gray Dawn of Joy

Early last evening when the sun was still very much in the sky I sat on my balcony and listened. Yes, I am referring to my last blog post wherein I discussed the weird sound coming from my parking lot. I did hear it whilst sitting on my balcony so I know the cause of this sound does not belong to the "creature of the night" variety.  That still leaves ghosts or creatures of the black lagoon...The only creature of the black lagoon I want any association with his my grumpy oldest cat so I have decided to not venture into the unknown. It shall remain, forever, a mystery.

I didn't go into work today. I woke up and decided "to hell with that bullshit" and opted to deal with the consequences at a later date. Most likely on Monday...I could blame it on the meds I'm taking as of late which keep me tired almost 90% of my day. I think I have slept more often recently than I did in High School which is saying something. So long are the days I'm up until two in the morning doing whatever pleases me at the time. I fear it will be like this until I get on my next set of meds.

Its been a long time since I was on these types of medications: antidepressants and mood stabilizers.  That familiar feeling of "Ugh" is back but it should be temporary. *crosses fingers* I'll report back on that in a couple weeks when things have calmed down mentally.

In the meantime,  I'll keep enjoying the outdoors my peaceful balcony has provided me and go through the motions of daily life.

Until next time 안녕히 가세요 ("Annyeonghi Gaseyo")

-Aunnie

Sounds in the Night

Its 62° in my neck of the woods tonight. It wasn't that long ago that 62 degrees would have felt marvelous however, after experiencing 80+ degree weather lately, I've begun to realize I have already adapted to the summertime heat. This does not sit well with me. It wont be long before the fall frost begins to coat our grass in the early hours of morning and the hint of winter is in the air. *sigh* Such is the life of a north-midwestern. However, I was born in California--but that is another story.

What concerns me at this late hour is the weird sound that has been coming from my apartment parking lot. With the general lack of vision in my eyes to begin with and my acute eye problem since last September, seeing the perpetrator has been, well, unsuccessful.  I would say it sounds like one of the small dinosaurs that ate the cocky Russia mercenary from Jurassic Park 2--Peter Stormare's character--however that would sound ridiculous to anyone who wasn't raised in the 90's. However, I digress. The first night I heard it, it sounded like a rusty door hinge. I surmised it to be the swinging door by the garbage bins. However, Im not so sure that is true anymore. Yesterday I noted that the sound increased and was becoming more frequent.  Tonight, it almost sounds like a creature of some sort. If you are a horror fanatic like me then you'll understand when I say that the cause of this sound could be from any possibility of the spine-tingly variety.

I have spent the last ten minutes weighing the pros and cons of conducting my own personal investigation once the sun rises high in the sky however, Im not sure if my need to give in to my curiosity is important enough to snoop into the unknown.  If only Chen were here...don't sweat if you don't know the reference. Chen belongs to a different world not many are prepared to face. That is also a story for another time...

It seems my body is not ready to face the familiar decrease in temperature that we will all be forced to adjust too in a few months so the idea of going back inside is appealing.

This is, most likely, the first of an actual blog thread that I feel the need to begin.

I hope everyone is tucked away, warm and cozy in their beds and until next time. 안녕히 가세요 ("Annyeonghi Gaseyo")!

-Aunnie

Nae Chingu (My Friends) Chapter Twenty-One

Nae Chingu (My Friends)

Chapter Twenty-One

Minnesota, United States...

The car ride back towards the Twin Cities was so silent, I felt like we were in a soundless void. I mean, of course there were car sounds and Greg tried once to put the radio on before I sent him my best death glare but Greg and I said not one word to each other for the four hours we were in the car.

I tried to convince myself that it was because the conversation would reach a better conclusion once we got back to my house but I knew it was because if he said something stupid, I'd bash him over the head and no one wanted to get into a car accident today--and If I knew Greg, he was bound to say something stupid.

So he drove my car in silence back towards the cities. While we were married, he always insisted on driving everywhere so it had felt only natural to let him drive today as well, despite being in my car. It worked out regardless because this way I could stare at him without having to worry about driving.

When we reached my house, I promptly got out of the car and slammed my car door shut.

    "Diane, don't take it out on the--" Greg started to say before I pointed my finger at him. He swallowed the last few words and silently followed me up the stairs and into the house.

Once we got to the inside, I felt like a time bomb that was ready to blow but I stayed silent as I moved around the house, hoping it would ease my pent up frustration and help me find the right words to start, what was going to be, a difficult conversation.

    "Diane--"

    "Sit down," I seethed. When he promptly plopped his butt in a chair, I put my hands on my hips and took a deep breath. "Okay, I want you to explain in detail, without leaving anything out, what exactly happened that lead to you leaving our eighteen year old daughter in a foreign country by--her--self."

The more he told me the harder and harder it became to keep my mouth shut but I somehow managed to stay silent until he was done. I couldn't help but be impressed by the amount of effort Lily had put into staying in Korea. For her to disobey her father like she had, it had taken a special kind of courage that Lily had lacked the last time I saw her. None of these took away the absolute horror of Greg's actions, however.

    "You son of a bitch," I said softly even though I wanted to scream the words at him. However, I couldn't focus on being pissed at Greg, I had Lily to think about and god knows what was going on with her. "You said you disconnected her phone, why haven't you turned it back on?"

    "Once I ended the contract and left Korea, I could no longer activate the same number, at least not without providing the phone and my signature. I tried called the company and get them to activate it but they won't budge. I even tried to get one of my navy buddies over there to activate it but without prior authorization, they won't accept his signature. Even if they did, I still don't have the phone and no way to contact Lily for the phone. I did try, Diane."

And that I believed him. Greg could be a bastard sometimes but he wasn't heartless. In fact, we'd still be married if handled the move from Germany to South Korea better. It wasn't the fact that we moved to South Korea that had ended our marriage, it was the fact that he'd been so blind to his wife and daughter's wants and needs that he hadn't even asked me how I felt about the move before putting his transfer in. We'd fought the entire month leading up to the move and even after, he'd been so careless with the situation that I refused to give in. I divorced him, not because I was unhappy with our marriage--or at least not entirely--no, it was to prove a point to him. A point he'd ignored, I sighed.

    "You always were impulsive," I rubbed my tired eyes. I was still furious with him but my anger wasn't going to help get our daughter back so I put it on the back burner for now. We'd revisit this later, I knew. "Have you tried calling any of her friends," I asked.

Greg was silently looking at the floor and didn't answer my question.

    "Let me guess, you never even bothered to get the phone numbers of her friends, did you?" I loved this man but there were times, like now, I envisioned choking him to death with my bare hands--with love, of course. "What the hell have you been doing for three years Greg?"

    "If you hadn't left, none of this--"

    "Don't you dare put this on me," I said in my you're-in-danger-deep voice. "I left her with you so I could get stable back here. She didn't want to come home after that. I left her with you, she was your responsibility! How could you mess this up," I spun away from him.

    "Because you weren't there," Greg spat out angrily. "Because you left me! Without so much as second of hesitation, you just left. Lily and I had to make do. You want to know why I messed this up? Because I wanted to come home to you, that's all I could think about and I got angry and did something on impulse. And now..."

And now Lily was all alone in Korea, I thought.

    "This isn't about us," I said and finally sat down next to him and felt more calm in this moment than I had in the last five hours.

    "It's always been about us and Lily paid the price," Greg said and scoffed. "Both times."

He was right. I had left out of anger at him and I hadn't even thought about the repercussions of my actions until after he told me Lily had gotten sick. By then it was too late, the divorce was final and I had a house and job to worry about here. She'd gotten better, thankfully but now, it had been Greg's mistake and both times, it'd been selfish decisions we'd made for ourselves. God, we were terrible parents.

    "We gotta get her back Greg," for the first time tears started to fill my eyes and I put my head on the counter. "I gotta find her."

    "I know," Greg put his arm around me and patted my shoulder.

***

Lily...

I stayed in the hospital for two days while they pumped me full of fluids and food before they deemed me fit to leave.  You'd think I'd been in the hospital for weeks judging by the copious amounts of visitors I had. Chan Min, Derek, Brian, Annabeth, a couple of girls from the program that I hadn't even realized knew who I was, and of course, my three best friends. Mae Ri had made a fuss when she made her visit. Judging by the look on the doctor's face when she arrived, he wanted to kick her out as soon as she started crying. Eventually she calmed down and was fine but there were more visitors than I knew how to handle.

I told everyone what had happened, I knew they'd speculate anyway, and Annabeth told me afterwards that she was glad I'd fallen down the stairs.

    "I'm sorry, what," I said in mildly offended.

    "Lily, you were starting to look so sick and you'd grown distant. I mean, if you hadn't fallen down the stairs, we," she looked at Derek and Brian. "We were going to report you, it just wasn't--healthy."

I hadn't realized how bad I gotten, I thought, or at least I hadn't realized how much of it had shown to others.

    "Thank you," I said quietly to them. "I got lost and well, I'm sorry for making you worry."

    "It's no problem as long as you are better 'cause," Brian scratched the back of his neck and looked sheepish. "The girlfriend's going to be here next week and I need to at least look like I've been trying to learn Korean and I need your help."

The others had laughed with me and after an hour they took their leave. Jong Hwa, who'd been sitting outside in the hallway came back in after they left.

    "You didn't have to leave, you know," I said when he sat down next to me and automatically reached for my hand.

Every moment after the first day, Jong Hwa and I had held hands continuously. I thought after awhile the feeling of holding hands would get old but it never did. I always felt better whenever our hands touched and I think he felt the same way.

    "I know but you've had so many visitors, I know that less is always better," he said.

    "I can't wait to get out of here tomorrow." I smiled happily.

    "Are you sure you are ready, Lily," Jong Hwa asked again and squeezed my hand lightly. He'd asked me this several times throughout the day after we got the news of my impending discharge.

    "For the hundredth time, yes, Jong Hwa. I'm more than ready to get out of this bed." I squeezed his hand to reassure him. "I'm getting better, I have more strength and moreover, I have the program to think about. Chan Min said the Director would let me stay--in light of what happened--although, on Monday I have to meet up with him and I doubt it'll be pleasant."

    "Well you did scare quite a few of us," Jong Hwa muttered. Even though we were okay, more than okay, he hadn't quite forgiven me even though he assured me he had. I could tell by the way he said things that eluded me to his true feelings. I wish I could pluck the worry out of his mind so we could go back to normal but much like he'd told me the first time, we just needed time.

     "I'm sorry, Jong Hwa," I said quietly.

    "Stop apologizing," He said lightly, too lightly, I thought. He'd tried several times throughout the day to give me smiles but none of them reached his eyes and it was starting to grate at my nerves.

    "I can't help feeling like something is wrong and you're just not telling me," I said.

    "Nothing is wrong, Lily," he said and put a smile on his face, one that didn't look convincing at all.

    "So this is what it feels like," I said as I came to a startling realization.

    "What does," he asked me curiously.

    "When someone tells you they are fine and you know they aren't," I said. I decided it didn't feel good and I told him as much. "I'm not entirely sure I'm okay with this. God, how did you do it?"

     "Years of practice with you," Jong Hwa teased lightly.

     "Ah-ha, so you admit something is wrong!" I pointed my finger at him and he looked guiltily away.

He sighed and let go of my hand. I had a second where I felt like I should panic but I beat it down. Jong Hwa said he'd never leave and I believed him and I trusted him, it was just hard to change old habits over night.

    "I'm worried," he said. "And I'm scared."

    "Why," I asked and moved closer to him.

    "Because after you leave tomorrow, I won't be able to stay near you all the time to make sure you are okay," he admitted.

    "Jong Hwa, I'll be fine--"

    "You said you were fine before and look what happened," Jong Hwa bit out in a frustrated voice and it shocked me enough to keep me quiet. "I know I can't stay with you twenty-four-seven but right now, I want too. I need to make sure you are okay because I feel like I'll go crazy if something like this happens again."

    "Jong Hwa--"

    "No, let me finish," he sighed again. "Ever since the moment I saw you, I've been drawn to you. At first it was just because I wanted to help but as time went on, it stopped being about just wanted to help you and turned into me wanting to take care of you. It was easier to take care of you when we went to the same school but after you left," he stopped to gather his thoughts. "Every time I saw you afterwards, you were being pulled farther and farther away from me and there was nothing I could do to stop it. It was like you no longer needed me."

He got up from the bed and  paced a little bit away and came back to stand by the bed. "I'm worried and scared that once you leave tomorrow, you'll no longer need me again. I don't want you to become dependent on me or anything," he waved his hands at me like he was worried he'd offended me. "I would never want you to feel dependent on me, I just need to know that you need me. As much as I need you," he looked at me and allowed me to see all of his fears in his eyes, things he'd been hiding the last couple of days.

I patted the spot next to me on the bed and waited for him to sit down. "I've always needed you," he opened his mouth to say something but I put up a finger. "No, now it's my turn." he gave me a small smile and nodded. "You know, I wouldn't have lasted one month in Korea if it hadn't been for you. I've needed you from the moment I met you and that will never change. After my dad left, all I could think about was keeping you near me. Holding onto you as much as I could but I also felt like needing you was a risk I couldn't take. Not when it seemed like everyone would leave eventually. I was terrified I'd be left alone that I had this--this--insane compulsion to prove to myself that I could do everything on my own."

I pulled myself higher on the bed so I could sit up straight as I continued. "But every time I saw you, I felt my resolve shake and begin to crumble. It was like all my worries and fears went away when I saw you but then you'd leave again and each time they could all come back and I felt they were getting heavier and heavier. Then I would remember what I needed to do. That's why I pulled away these last few weeks, I felt like I needed you too much, I depended on you too much."

We sat in silence for a few minutes and we both digested each other's words.

He nodded like he'd reached some sort of conclusion. "I want you to call me every day," he said finally.

    "I will call you every day," I agreed.

    "And you'll eat," he asked sternly.

    "You know how much I like food," I told him.

He lifted a hand to my cheek, "You're too thin now," he said.

    "I always meant to lose that extra twenty pounds, now I could probably fit into most of Mae Ri's clothes," I said. If there was one benefit to this whole messed up situation, it was that.

    "I liked you the way you were," Jong Hwa wouldn't even let me joke about the weight I'd lost. In fact, he'd been trying to stuff me full of food since the first day at the hospital. I would't be surprised if I hadn't already gained some of it back. "Besides, do you really want to wear Mae Ri's clothes?"

I thought about it and barely held back a cringe. "Not really, it's just the idea that I could," I answered honestly.

    "Come here," he cupped the back of my neck and pulled me closer. He kissed my forehead, both cheeks and then finally my lips. It was the first kiss we shared since the first and only time we kissed before a few weeks ago. It didn't last nearly as long as I wanted it too but I knew it wouldn't be the last kiss we shared so I was okay with it. "Don't change anything else about yourself. I love you just as you are," he looked into my eyes and nodded encouragingly. I hope the tingly feeling I felt every time he told me he loved me never went away.

    "You never used to be this bold," I said as I rested my forehead against his.

    "It's amazing what a near-death experience will do to a person," he said before pulling away so he could look at me fully.

    "I wasn't near death, Jong Hwa," I scoffed lightly.

    "Could have fooled me by the way you looked when they first brought you in here," Jong Hwa said but not in a joking manner.

    "I'm sorry," I said again.

    "And let that be the last time you apologize," he said sternly. "Besides, next weekend, you'll begin making it up to me."

    "Uh-oh," I grumbled. He still hadn't told me any of his "ideas". "How will I be doing that, again?"

    "You'll see," he smiled at me knowingly.

    "Should I be worried," I asked worriedly.

    "Not at all," he said too innocently which meant I wasn't going to like whatever idea he'd come up with but it wasn't like I could refuse him at this point, considering everything he'd done for me.

    "Ah-huh, we will see, I guess," I said.

    "Okay, it's late and you need to sleep so move over," he got up and turned on the side lamp before turning off the overhead light. Dr. Lee had pulled some strings and they allowed Jong Hwa to stay with me at night at the hospital even though it was against hospital policy to allow visitors to stay overnight in non-emergent cases. To be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if Dr. Lee claimed some mental distress disorder in order to convince the doctor to let Jong Hwa stay but I wasn't going to ask. I wanted him here anyway. So I moved over and Jong Hwa climbed onto the bed. He never slept under the covers with me; not only had the doctors been uncomfortable with us even sleeping in the same bed together but even I had my propriety to think about so instead he slept on top of the covers and me under them to keep somewhat of a barrier between us.

    "Are you sure your mom is okay with this," I asked. "I mean, you don't have to sleep here, it's not like I'm going to disappear overnight, I'll still be here in the morning when you--"

He gave me his best "stop talking" stare and I shut my mouth, "Okay, okay, I was just asking."

    "Good night, Lily," he wiggled his arm under my head and I snuggled a little closer.

    "Good night, Jong Hwa," I said back and closed my eyes. I wished things could stay like this forever.

***

Ji Soo...



    "Have you talked to her since yesterday," Mae Ri asked me over the phone.

    "No, but I've talked to Jong Hwa," I said back to her as I rolled over onto the side of my bed that wasn't full of textbooks. "Sounds like she's getting discharged tomorrow afternoon."

    "Jinjja," Mae Ri asked in a voice that sounded only half as excited as it would have normally. In fact, Mae Ri had sounded off yesterday as well. "Dahaengida*," she mumbled.

    "You don't sound that relieved," I commented.

     "I am," Mae Ri said unconvincingly.

    "What's going on, Mae Ri-ya?"

She sighed. "I don't know what to do, Ji Soo. I don't think Lily wants me around any more," she sniffled into the phone and I could tell she as holding back tears. Mae Ri had always expressed her emotions through tears, whether it was sadness, anger or relief, it always came out the same way.

    "You are her best friend, why wouldn't she want you around," I asked even though I knew that Mae Ri had been feeling neglected lately, especially when it came to Lily. It had felt like Lily had been the glue and when Lily was gone, we'd all just kind of waylaid away from each other. Jong Hwa had grown distant for obvious reasons and Mae Ri and him had never been super close to begin with and that left me but there was only so much I could do.

    "Doesn't feel like we're best friends any more," Mae Ri said quietly into the phone. In truth, I missed the loud Mae Ri and I felt like she'd been quiet far too long.

   "She's been sick, Mae Ri-ya," I told her. "She's getting better now; just watch, you'll both be close again in no time. Why don't we throw her a welcome home party?"

    "How would we do that," she asked and I could tell she was interested.

    "I could have my dad drop us off in the morning before he picks her up from the hospital, we could decorate her lobby and when she got home, well, surprise," I suggested.

    "Sure," was all Mae Ri said.

    "Kim Mae Ri," I said in mock anger. "It's time to buck up and show Lily that you haven't given up on her. So by tomorrow your attitude better improve!"

    "Okay," she sounded slightly more enthused. "Okay, I will."

    "That's my girl," I said without thinking. I winced when I realized what I'd said. "I'll see you tomorrow."

Silence. "I'll-I"ll see you tomorrow." And she hung up.

I put my phone on my chest and rubbed my face. If I wasn't careful, Mae Ri would figure out my true feelings and I didn't think either of us were quite ready to take that step. I had to give Jong Hwa credit because he'd been able to gather his courage and confess to Lily about how he felt. One day, I hoped I'd find the courage to do the same.

***

Lily...

We left the hospital a little after one in the afternoon and it was nice to see the outside and breath the fresh, spring air. It had warmed up in the two days I'd been confined in the hospital, so much so that I didn't even need my jacket anymore even though Jong Hwa insisted I wear it so I didn't catch a cold.

When we reached the dormitory, Dr. Lee waylaid our entrance by asking me how I felt for the second time in under an hour.

    "I'm fine, Dr. Lee," I looked at him curiously. He seemed jittery to me and even Jong Hwa looked shifty eyed. "What's going on?"

    "Nothing," Dr. Lee said with more enthusiasm than necessary.

I put my hands on my hips and looked at Jong Hwa, "What's going on?"

Jong Hwa passed a glance over at Dr. Lee and I knew I was right, something was up. "Well..."

    "We couldn't stop her," Dr. Lee said.

    "Don't be angry," Jong Hwa said quickly.

    "Why would I be angry? Couldn't stop who?" I looked at them both and waited for answers.

    "She did it with good intentions, just remember that,"

    "Mae Ri, she wanted to give you a welcome home party," Dr. Lee said and snuck a quick glance at me to see if I'd be angry. "Actually, I think it was Ji Soo's idea but I don't know for sure."

    "She misses you as her friend," Jong Hwa said and pushed a lock of hair behind my ear. It embarrassed me that he did it in front of Dr. Lee but Dr. Lee didn't seem to mind. "Just remember that."

I had a moment to decided how I would react; I felt energized by the good weather and the fact that I'd been couped up for days and a surprise party...sounded pretty damn good right about now. I smiled brightly and hooked arms with Jong Hwa, "Let's not keep her waiting then, huh?"

The two of them looked so relieved it was comical and I walked into the building with a bounce in my step and a smile on my face. As soon as I opened the common area door, I was accosted with shouts of "Surprise!" by not only Ji Soo and Mae Ri but Derek, Brian, Annabeth, and nearly 10 others from the program but none of this was as surprising as the fact that Emily was there as well.

     "Gwaenchana," Mae Ri asked me but didn't give me a hug which was unusual.

    "Yeah, come here," I pulled her into my arms and hugged her sincerely for the first time in a long time. She didn't hug me back right away and I understood her hesitation. I'd been a crappy friend but not anymore. I let her go and linked arms with her. "When did you have time to pull all this together?"

    "Actually, Ji Soo--"

    "It's okay, Mae Ri-ya, take all the credit," Ji Soo cut her off and patted me on the shoulder per usual. It was a little hesitant and I think we both had echoes of our last argument in our minds but I was determined to start fresh with all my friends.

I took Ji Soo's hand and squeezed it without saying a word. He must have understood what I was trying to do because he winked and nodded at me and we both smiled.

    "Ya," Jong Hwa pulled my hand from Ji Soo's grip jokingly and pulled me away from him.

It struck me then; the four of us were standing around each other and there wasn't any awkwardness between us. We were all smiling at each other and the general atmosphere was peaceful and I cherished it more than anything else in that moment. "Thank you guys, for everything."

After that, I greeted everyone else and joked and laughed and talked about the things I'd missed. Granted, not much had happened in the three days I'd been gone but it was nice to feel like I was finally part of the group again. I knew that it had been me that had kept a distance from everyone else but now that I'd put aside my stupid notion of independence, I felt like I belonged. Sure I still missed my family and lord only knew when I was going to see or talk to any of them again but for now, I was okay.

***

    "Did you get the tickets," I asked into the phone as I drove to work.

    "Of course I did," Greg responded righteously.

    "When is the flight," I asked him as I turned into my works parking lot.

    "Next Friday," he told me.

    "Next Friday? But that's a week from now, you couldn't find a flight sooner," I asked loudly into the phone. It became harder and harder to stay calm every passing day I wasn't in Korea finding my daughter.

    "They don't have flights to Korea every day, Diane, be patient, Lily will be fine," he tried to reassure me but it fell on deaf ears.

    "You don't know that," I just couldn't shake the feeling that something terrible had happened to Lily.

    "Well panicking about it isn't going to help anything," Greg said defensively. "She's got friends and people she's close too. She's fine," Greg sounded like he was trying to reassure himself more than he was me.

    "She better be or so help me God, Greg," It wasn't the first time I had threatened him since the day I'd gone to Fort Ripley and I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be the last until I had Lily in my arms.

    "I gotta go," he said and we hung up.

One more week until we could fly out to Korea and find her. I knew it would be a week filled filled with worry and guilt until I had her back in my sight. I had no plans for once we got there besides finding Lily. I only hoped she'd come back with us without a fight.

To Be Continued...

***

*Dahaengida: There are a few translations but the general understanding is "I'm relieved" or "That's a relief" or "I'm glad".

Nae Chingu (My Friends) Chapter Twenty

Nae Chingu (My Friends)

Chapter Twenty

   “Oh my god,” I vaguely heard someone who sounded an awful lot like Ji Soo say. I felt like the voice was coming from far away but with every passing moment consciousness was becoming a real thing. “None of this is okay,” I heard the dim voice again. “She doesn’t get privacy any more.”

Why were people being so loud, couldn’t they tell I was sleeping? I had work in the morning. Why would Emily let people in the room when I was sleeping? Because she was a cold stone—wait, I had a vision of a mop and bucket flying into the air? Well that was weir—and just like that, everything that happened came back in a flash. I’d been walking down the stairs at work when I’d tripped…had I tripped? I don’t remember tripping, I thought as I fought hard to remember the events that had taken place before I’d completely blacked out.

I had gotten dizzy and lost my footing. I hadn’t let go of the mop and bucket of dirty water until it was too late to catch myself and I cracked the side of my face on the floor. As if on queue, I was able remember what had happened. I could feel all the aches and pains in my body, most of which was centered on the right side of my face.

It was at this point I could hear everything happening in the room with clarity, “Is that money?” Was that Dr. Lee? Ok, I definitely needed to open my eyes now, I told myself even though my body was slow in responding to my demands.

I had a terrifying moment of thinking maybe I had lost my eyesight but a sliver of light appeared through the small slit of my eyelid and I knew how ridiculous I was being. After struggling to just open my eyes, what I saw had not been what I was expecting.

The first thing I noticed was an upright body sitting next to me and even with his head turned away from me, I knew it was Jong Hwa. He was holding my hand although I could barely feel it, I tried to squeeze his hand to get his attention but just as with my eyelids, it was a struggle just to get my arm to twitch. Behind him stood Ji Soo and Dr. Lee who were looking very interested in something I couldn’t see.

“Let me see,” Jong Hwa said as if he’d heard my silent plea and I watched in horror as Ji Soo turned around holding the emergency funds I’d put into baggies. They must have been going through my backpack.

I tried to get their attention by lifting my arm but I could barely twitch a finger so I quickly abandoned that attempt and tried my voice next. It hurt to even suck in air through my mouth, no less trying to force air out to speak words but I finally managed on my third try. I think watching Ji Soo start to open one of the bags gave me the motivation to make speech patterns although it sounded pretty jumbled to my own ears.

“Please don’t touch my money,” I think I said. They must have heard me because everyone’s eyes turned towards me and if I could have, I would have cringed back into the bed with the stares everyone pinned on me.

“Lily,” Jong Hwa was the first to recover and he squeezed my hand tightly before gently patting my hair back from my face. “Oh thank you,” he said while he brought the hand he held to his forehead as if offering the thanks to me although I knew I hadn’t deserved his gratitude.

No one said anything else so I took the brief moment of silence to look at my surroundings. It was pretty clear from the tape and IV on the hand Jong Hwa was currently holding up within eyesight that I was in a hospital. If that wasn’t enough, the rather large beeping machine to my right was a dead give away.

“Lily, do you know where you are,” Dr. Lee stood up and came to stand next to the side of the bed.

I tried to nod but the very act had my body protesting in anger, at least I assumed, if the pain was anything to go by. So I cleared my throat as much as I could and hoarsely whispered the words, “A hospital?”

Dr. Lee nodded. “Do you know what happened,” he asked in the same calm voice he’d used with his last question.

“I fell,” I cleared my throat again. “I think I fell down the stairs,” I had to clear my throat again. It felt like I’d spent the last six months in the Sahara sucking in sand from the way my voice sounded and how dry my throat and mouth felt. “Water, please.”

“Ji Soo,” Dr. Lee said over his shoulder and without hesitation Ji Soo left the room to get me some water.

Jong Hwa was rubbing his thumb over my knuckles and it was distracting enough to have me looking at our conjoined hands.

“Does this hurt? Should I stop,” he asked, worry lacing his voice. This time I managed a shake of my head although it did make me wish my head would fall from my shoulders. He registered the head movement and kept trailing his thumb along in slow, gentle strokes.

“Lily are you in any pain,” Dr. Lee asked, bringing my attention back to the tall doctor.

“Yes,” I whispered and God was I ever. As more and more of my body came back online, the more pain I felt. I wanted to say that I was in a lot of pain but I stuck to the easier monosyllabic words I’d been using.

Ji Soo returned carrying a pitcher of water with the doctor close on his heels.

“’Ello, Ril-li,” the doctor said in incredibly broken English as he approached the bed. “My nae-ma iz—“

“She speaks Korean,” Jong Hwa cut the doctor off rudely and informed him.

I blinked quickly to make sure it had actually been Jong Hwa who’d spoken. Jong Hwa was normally never that rude, especially to an elder but it had definitely been him who’d just cut off the older doctor.

There was an awkward silence following Jong Hwa’s declaration. Dr. Lee raised his hand and rested it gentle on Jong Hwa's shoulder; whether it was a warning or an act of reassurance, I wasn't sure. The doctor cleared his throat and began once again in Korean this time. “My name is Dr. Choi. Do you know where you are?”

If I’d had the energy to sigh, I swear I would have. Instead, I gathered my reserves and prepared myself to give the same answers to the questions Dr. Lee had just asked me.

After a few minutes of questions, he finally pulled out his stethoscope and checked my vitals. “Well, your vitals seem to be normal however your labs show that you are depleted of all your core essentials,” he said.

I looked to Dr. Lee for translation but it was Jong Hwa who spoke up in English, I guess he remembered that my Korean language skills didn’t really cover medical jargon. “He’s saying the things your body needs to keep running are gone, vitamins, things like that.”

I nodded and winced at the movement.

“I will have a nurse come in and administer some pain medication, once we’ve gotten some more fluids into you, I’m going to have someone from the psychological department come down to just see where you are at,” the doctor said in a kind voice, like he was talking to a wounded animal.

“Did I-“ I cleared my throat. “Did I hurt my brain,” I asked.

“Your scans show no indication of brain damage,” the doctor smiled nicely.

“Then why-“ I cleared my throat but this time Dr. Lee lifted a cup with a straw to my mouth so I could drink. I would have hugged him if I’d been able to lift my arms more than an inch off the bed. God, it hurt to move. “Why do I need a-a,” I struggled to think of the word but obviously my brain wasn’t working so fast. It was Jong Hwa who finally finished my question.

“Why does she need a neurologist,” Jong Hwa asked and I nodded in confirmation.

“No, not a neurologist,” the doctor said, at first to Jong Hwa but then changed directions and spoke to me directly. “A psychologist,” he reiterated.

“Why,” Jong Hwa asked for me.

“To evaluate her mental status,” he said. I had been taking a drink from the cup Dr. Lee offered me again when he said this and I choked on the water I’d tried to swallow.  If I hadn't been so worried about what the doctor had said, I would have cared about all the water I'd just sputtered down my chin and onto the top of my hospital gown.

    "My mental status," I asked and for the first time since waking up, I didn't feel any pain. It was like my mind completely shut down the rest of my body. "There's nothing wrong with my mental status."

    "It's standard procedure for someone with Anorexia Nervosa," the doctor told me as if I hadn't said anything. "Anyone presenting with this particular disorder needs to be evaluated by the psychology department."

    "What," I looked at Jong Hwa and then back at the doctor. "I'm not anorexic," the look on the doctor's face clearly told me he didn't believe me. "I swear I'm not--" and I stopped. I'm sure everyone with Anorexia Nervosa said they weren't. "Look, give me food right now, I'll eat it in front of you, whatever you give me I'll eat."

    "Doctor, could I see you outside," Dr. Lee asked. The Dr. Choi nodded and walked with Dr. Lee out of the room.

    "I'm not anorexic," I said to the room in general.

    "Lily, it's okay if--"

I cut Jong Hwa off, "I'm not anorexic, Jong Hwa. You have to believe me," I tried to convince him with what little voice I had. What happened to the nurse bringing  me pain meds. Although my body barely registered the pain in light of this new revelation, I could still feel the echo of pain that had been there when I woke up.

    "Lily, what's been going on," Jong Hwa asked me in the same kind of voice the doctor had used. Like I was some wounded animal that everyone was afraid of. I think I could handle it better coming from the doctor, because he didn't know me, but I couldn't handle that voice from Jong Hwa. It made me feel weak and I wasn't weak.

    "Don't speak to me like that," I said to Jong Hwa and tried to take my hand out of his but in an instant, his hand became a steal vise as it closed around my palm and refused to let loose it's grip.

    "Like what," he asked.

    "Like I'm some child that needs taking care of," I said, still attempting to tug my hand out of his. I didn't have much strength to actually use my arm to it's full capacity but I wasn't sure if I would have been able to remove my hands even if I'd had full use of my appendages. "I've been doing just fine on my own and having you sit there and treat me like a naive child--"

Ji Soo's abrupt laugh cut off the rest of my sentence. He had taken a seat and was now rubbing his face with both his hands. His laughter was only somewhat muffled by his hands but clear enough that I knew he was laughing sarcastically. "Now I know you need to get your head checked."

    "Ji Soo," Jong Hwa attempted to admonish but I suddenly felt like fighting. I wasn't sure if that was because I felt so helpless sitting here and basically immobile in this bed or because Ji Soo was the only one to not treat me like a baby.

    "No, Jong Hwa, let him say what he needs to say," I said, my words were thrown out like a challenge. "What did you want to say, Ji Soo?"

    "Oh, Lily, there's so much, I don't know where to begin," he laughed again, but not like he was actually enjoying this. More like he was spoiling for a fight as well.

    "Well, you obviously have something to say so say it," I said.

    "Fine. You are a coward," he spat out. All semblance of humor was gone. He looked me directly in the eye and said it and if I could have, I would have cringed away from the words. "You pretend to be strong and yet here we are, in a hospital that you yourself basically signed into."

    "I don't know what you are talking about," I said defensively.

    "Of course you don't because you are absolutely blind to everything around you right now," Ji Soo said. "You somehow convinced yourself that you don't need anyone and you've shut the rest of us out."

    "I never--"

    "Oh you knew what you were doing when you were doing it," Ji Soo exclaimed loudly. "You basically avoided us as much as possible. Even Mae Ri; you both used to be damn near inseparable but now look at you two," he flung his arm out as if to make his point. "Has it even occurred to you that she's not here?"

I didn't want to admit it out loud but no, it hadn't occurred to me. I'd been so focused on Jong Hwa and then the doctor that I had barely registered anything else.

    "Didn't think so," Ji Soo said after reading my face. "You are so scared. You are terrified and you're trying to cover it up with-with-with whatever you've been doing these last few weeks, trying to prove yourself to the world but now, look at you." He actually tsked at me. "Is this why you worked so hard to stay in Korea? If it is, then it was a waste of your time and of Jong Hwa's. If this is the best you can do, then you might as well go home."

    "Ji Soo," Jong Hwa said sharply and he stood up abruptly. He turned towards Ji Soo who'd also stood up. I didn't know what to expect except from the looks of it, it looked like they might have actually thrown punches at each other. "That's enough."

    "I'm not saying anything you haven't already thought about but fine, comfort her if that's what you think she needs. Me? I think she needs a reality check," Ji Soo tossed out before turning on his heel and walking out the door.

 ***

 Ji Soo...

I shut the door behind me, leaned against it and just breathed. I couldn't shake the feeling that what Lily needed wasn't comfort. I mean, we had all been comforting Lily since the moment her father left and it obviously wasn't working. With everything that had been found out this morning, I couldn't help but get more and more angry as each new revelation but the final straw had been watching Jong Hwa comfort her.

It was in Jong Hwa's nature to care for others and I understood that but hadn't we let Lily wallow long enough? Of course, she wouldn't think she'd been wallowing but quite honestly, I wasn't sure what she'd been thinking to begin with. None of us had, apparently otherwise we wouldn't have been so shocked. The more and more I thought it though the more I felt like I was right, she needed a reality check.

How she was going to get it, I didn't know but I couldn't go back into that room without either controlling my anger or coming up with a solution. Just what the hell did Lily need?

    "Giving them some privacy," Abeoji asked me as he came back down the hallway.

    "No, I just couldn't sit there and watch them," the more I thought about it the more infuriated I got about the whole situation. I gripped the back of my neck to help ease some of the tension but it didn't really help. "No good will come from me sitting in that room and watching him coddle her."

    "Jong Hwa is only doing what he knows how to do; take care of her," Abeoji said and sat down in one of the chairs that lined the hallway. He patted the seat next to him and since I had nothing else better to do, I sat down. "I know it's frustrating; not being able to help when you want to is one of the hardest part of being a doctor. If this is the field you want to go into, it's best now if you get used to it."

    "But she's my friend,' I said like that made all he difference in the world. Like I was suppose to be able to help her more because of our friendship. It seemed underneath it all, friends or no friends, you never truly understood another person.

    "That's what makes it harder, not easier," Abeoji sighed and leaned back. "You know, when your mom died, it was the most angriest I've ever been. I knew theoretically how to help her but none of the medicines were helping. I had to sit back and watch her get sicker and sicker despite all the knowledge I had." Abeoji sat in silence for a few minutes while he worked through his thoughts.

We rarely ever spoke about mom, not because he didn't want to talk about her, I knew he did but because I was afraid that if he did start talking about her I'd feel, well, nothing. I had vague memories of her but nothing solid, nothing that felt like anything more than a dream I barely remembered. I wanted to pretend that my lack of emotion towards not having a mother was just because I didn't remember the love she had for me rather than a lack of compassion on my part. Because of that I'd always shied away from any stories Abeoji might have told me to avoid the guilt of being an unloving son towards a mom I could barely picture in my head. This, however, was the first time he spoke about her death.

I wondered if Jong Hwa was feeling how my father had felt all those years ago, having to sit around while you watch your loved one getting sicker and sicker. Then I thought about what had just took place and instead of anger, and frustration, I just felt sadness and guilt. I had probably just made things worse with my little tantrum. "Aish," I grumbled and slid farther into the chair.

    "I understand," my father gripped my knee and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "I understand."

***

Lily...

Following Ji Soo's departure, Jong Hwa sat back down and reached for my hand. "Don't worry about him, he's just worried about you, we all are," he said.

    "You say that but you're probably thinking the same thing he is, that I'm crazy," I said. I was still angry; I was angry at everything, my life, God, those damn stairs! If I had just let go of the bucket or mop sooner I could have caught myself and I wouldn't have ended up here.

    "I don't think you are crazy," Jong Hwa said easily. He idly traced patterns on the back of my hand and I found it distracting and maddening at the same time. I wanted someone to yell, to scream or do something I could take my own personal frustrations out on and I almost regretted having Ji Soo leave. Jong Hwa no longer sounded like he pitied me, in fact, a strange sense of calm had come over him after Ji Soo made his rather uneventful departure.

    "Then what are you thinking," I asked defensively. Gah, if he was smart he'd just leave but I couldn't bring myself to tell him to go.

    "I'm thinking he's right," Jong Hwa said in the same, easy tones as before.

    "He's...right," I repeated in shock. I was hurt, it was ridiculously unfair of me but I could feel all the anger I had inside of me, all the frustration and sadness that had just been swirling around me for the past few weeks finally found an escape route and it just happened to be Jong Hwa. "You think I'm a coward? Is that really what you think of me? Well I guess I'm glad the truth finally came out."

I tried to pull my hand away but just like before, he had my hand in a vise-like grip and showed no signs of letting go. "Let go of me," I said dangerously quiet at first.

    "No," he said simply.

    "Let go of me, Jong Hwa," I said again but a little louder this time. "Let go of me and get out," is what I said out loud except the irrational part of me wanted him to ignore me.

    "I'm not going anywhere," he said. His other hand which had been supporting his body on the bed now cupped the other side so my hand was held between both of his.

The movement made my insides clench the familiar feeling of a panic attack was slowly rising into my chest. "Let go of me," I couldn't shake the panic and it gave me a surprising boost in strength. It was, quite literally, fight versus flight, the only problem was I wanted to go in both directions. I yanked my hand out of his and I think I caught him by surprise. "Get out," I said again.

    "No," he reached for my hand again and caught it even though I was trying to push his hands away. I used my other hand to pull myself up higher on the bed so I could get the momentum I needed to push him away. "Lily stop," he said in the same calm voice and it was starting to grate on my nerves.

    "Get away from me, get out," I was like a wild animal with no rationale. I just wanted him gone so I could go back to doing what I had been doing before, surviving. I just needed to keep surviving and I couldn't do that if Jong Hwa was around. "Please, just leave me alone," I pushed at him harder and all he did was come closer and closer until our bodies were no more than a foot apart.

It had been hard to push him away when he was farther down the bed but now that he was so close, I couldn't get the leverage I needed to shove him back, not that I would have if I had the chance. I wanted Jong Hwa gone but I didn't want to hurt him, "Please just go." His proximity did nothing to help the panic that was very quickly threatening to take over, I could already feel the constriction of airflow to my lungs.

Faster than I could have imagined he pulled me up and encircled my shoulders with both of his arms and just held tightly. Time stopped, even my panic attack hit pause as I registered the movement and felt his warmth surround me. "I don't think you're crazy and I don't think you are a coward," he said fiercely into my ear, his earlier calm all but evaporated in that moment. "I do think you need a reality check," he finished.

He pulled back and cupped my face gently while looking directly into my eyes. My usually easy-going Jong Hwa looked anything but as he said the next few words, "So here's reality: I'm not leaving. I'm not ever going to leave, do you understand?" He didn't wait for me to say anything before he continued. "I'm here, Lily. I'm here."

It was like he hit an off switch in my head; I stopped fighting him and just sat there and looked into his eyes.

    "I'm here," he said once more just in case I hadn't heard the last two. "I'm here with you. If you struggle, I struggle. When you are in pain, I'm in pain. I'm not going anywhere so please," he voice cracked and I could see how shiny his eyes had become. "Please stop trying to push me away."

Whatever shaky pillar that had been holding me up these last few weeks crumbled and I just fell into his arms and true to his words, like always, Jong Hwa was there to catch me. He held me tightly as I sobbed out all of my pain and anger and frustration until I had almost nothing left and I was more tired than even before. He supplied me with tissues until I felt like my face wasn't a watery, snotty mess and I could finally look him in the eyes again.

    "Do you want to lay down," he asked me kindly. "Are you still in pain?"

I thought about it and realized that although I was still stiff and sore in places, I wasn't in the excruciating pain I'd been in earlier which surprised me since I'd just wracked my body with sobs and should be feeling even worse but I wasn't. Adrenaline, maybe? I shook my head but laid back down on the bed. "I'm sorry," I said quietly. I didn't even know how to apologize for the last few weeks, and I couldn't even imagine how to begin to make up for all the stupid things I'd said and did.

    "Don't," Jong Hwa said as he lifted himself up enough to pull the covers to my chin. "When you're better, you'll pay me back."

    "I don't even know where to start," I admitted and reached for his hand, he grasped it and brought it to his lips. The move was so cheesy that I couldn't contain my chuckle.

    "I have ideas," He smiled sheepishly and looked down like he was embarrassed. This was my Jong Hwa, I thought. I missed him, it felt like I hadn't seen this side of Jong Hwa in a long time. Before my dad kicked me out, back when things were simple, maybe? Or, I thought, as simple as my life ever got.

    "Should I be worried," I asked.

    "No, it's just--," he shook his head and laughed at himself. "There are things I want to do with you, like date-type things." His face looked a little pink and he looked away from me.

    "I love you," I said. I said it mostly because I wanted to see his reaction and I wasn't disappointed. He looked up at me with surprise in his face. His mouth formed a small 'o' like he was surprised I'd said it at all. I also said it because I should have said it two weeks ago and hadn't. Heck, I should have said it two months ago and just couldn't work up the courage. Jong Hwa had taken all the steps and now it was my turn.

    "I love you, Jong Hwa," I said it again. "But I'm afraid to."

    "I know," he said.

    "I don't know how to move past the fear," I admitted. "If this," I gestured the space between us. "If this doesn't work, it will break me and I," I cleared me throat. "I don't ever want to feel this pain again."

    "Come here," he said. I was just about to push myself into a sitting position when he laid down next to me on his side and opened his arms. I hesitated for only a moment before I turned into him and let him put his arms around me. "I'll show you I'm not leaving, you'll just have to trust me until then."

And if there was anyone I trusted, it was Jong Hwa. I silently prayed that he never changed his mind before falling asleep in his arms.

***

Minnesota, United States...

I couldn't get a hold of my daughter. The last communication I'd had from her was almost two months ago. I'd even heard more recently from her father, an email he'd sent tell me that he was moving them back to the States. I'd sent Lily an email almost immediately but I hadn't gotten a reply. Not entirely unusual but then I sent another one and then finally a third, all without reply. Unsure of what was going on, I sent her a couple of text messages and then finally called her except her phone at been disconnected. Instead of being panicked, I'd taken it as a good sign--assuming she'd gotten a new, local number and just hadn't called me yet.

So I waited, and waited and now, nearly two weeks after they were suppose to have come home, I still hadn't heard a damn thing from either Greg or Lily. Enough was enough, I thought and that's how I found myself at Fort Ripley on a Friday afternoon asking for Greg.

    "May I ask who you are," the soldier behind the receptionist desk asked me in a polite voice.

    "His wife," I could barely keep my anger out of my voice. I couldn't believe it had come to this, I shouldn't have had to drive all the way here just to find out where my daughter was.

    "Ah," the man looked confused before picking up the phone and dialing Greg's number anyway. "Yeah, Sergeant Smith, your-ah-your wife is here to see you." The man smiled up at me before turning discreetly to the left and said in a slightly muffled voice. "She doesn't look happy." He jerked the phone away form his ear and just stared at it for a second before hanging up. "He-ah-said he'd be right up."

I was willing to bet money that was not the words he'd chosen but the result was the same, I figured. It was nearly thirty minutes before Greg came out to the front desk. I hadn't seen him in almost four years and the rush of emotions that swirled up inside of me was mixed, at best. It did nothing to help my anger however.

    "What the hell is going on," I said as soon as he got close enough.

    "Now, Diane, calm down," Greg said in a pseudo-calm voice.

    "Absolutely not," I pointed my finger in his face. "I have not heard from either you or Lily in weeks, no calls, no texts, nothing. What is going on," I repeated my question in my best 'no-bullshit' voice.

    "There was a bit of a situation, I'm attempting to handle it," Greg said and I felt all the anger flow out of me. This couldn't be good. I almost collapsed but Greg helped me to a nearby chair and I sat down.

    "Oh God, what happened," I asked, my thoughts only on Lily. "Is she depressed again? What's happened with my baby?"

    "It's nothing like that," he waved off my concerns and I felt instantly better.

    "Oh thank God," I sighed in relief. "Is she just angry? Why hasn't she texted me or called even?"

    "Now, Diane, don't get mad," Greg said which told me all I needed to know--whatever he said next was going to piss me off. "Lily is still in Korea."

    "What," I said in complete disbelief.

    "She didn't want to leave," Greg went on like I hadn't said anything. "She's found a program, I don't know. I wasn't really paying attention when I locked her out of the apartment, I was just so angry. I assumed she'd give in and meet me at the airport once she realized the kind of mistake she was making but then she didn't show up, and I had already paid for the plane ticket, her's too actually but they refunded--"

    "WHAT DID YOU DO," I screamed at him. Rage boiled inside of me and I found myself steady on my feet and in Greg's face.

Everyone that had been within a 50 foot radius stopped moving and just stared at us but I couldn't care less.

    "Diane," Greg foolishly admonished. "I told you not to get angry."

The fight that ensued would be one for the ages.

To Be Continued...

Nae Chingu (M Friends) Chapter Nineteen

Nae Chingu (My Friends)

Chapter Nineteen

Jong Hwa...

When Ji Soo hung up, I just stared at the phone in confusion. 'Something's come up'? What could possible have come up that made Ji Soo feel the need to call him at, I glanced at the clock on my phone, a little after four a.m.? A slither of worry inched it's way into my head as I got up to get dressed. I dressed in a pair of jeans and a simple shirt rather than my school uniform since I didn't know what to expect but to be on the safe side, I packed it in my backpack just in case.

When I left my bedroom I shut it as softly as I could so I didn't wake my mother up, who had ears of a hawk--she'd raised three boys, she had a lot of experience in picking up the smallest of sounds. I did, however, leave her a note explaining that I needed to leave earlier than expected and that I'd call her later to explain.

By the time I walked out my front door, Ji Soo's dad was just pulling in front of the house. Ji Soo didn't look at me as I climbed into the backseat. His father was busy speaking into the phone to even glance at me.

    "No," his father said. "She doesn't have a history of that, at least nothing's been noted," he listened to the response. "We are en route to the hospital," some more listening.

Hospital? I wanted to ask what was going on but I waited until his father hung up the phone to ask any questions. My palms started to sweat as we drove farther and farther into Seoul.

    "Please do and call me back," Abeonim said and hung up. I guess I expected someone to say something once the phone call ended but after a couple of minutes of silence, it was clear neither of them was going to offer any information.

    "What's going on," I asked cautiously. The silence dragged on and each second that ticked by, I got more and more worried.  "Ji Soo--"

    "At 3:45 this morning, Lily was taken to Wusoo Hospital from an apparent head injury," Abeonim stated matter of factly.

My chest seized up and it hurt to breath. I wanted to ask what had happened but I couldn't get my lungs to release any air. I looked between Abeonim and Ji Soo but Abeonim never took his eyes off the road and Ji Soo kept his silent stare out the window.

    "She's being taken for an CT now and then she'll get an MRI," Abeonim continued after a few silent moments. "It seems she fell down some stairs but we won't know much more until her labs come back."

    "She fell down--did she slip?" My head swam with all sorts of possibilities of what could have happened but my head kept coming back to the time. What was she doing at 3:45 in the morning that she fell down some stairs? Had she been going to the bathroom?

    "I don't know," Abeonim said honestly. "We'll know more once we get to the hospital."

Realizing that I wasn't going to get any more information, I stayed silent while we drove to the hospital. Scenarios kept bouncing around my head and with each passing moment, they got worse and worse. It seemed like forever by the time we pulled into a parking spot outside of Wusoo Hospital and I had to refrain from jumping out and racing to the front doors. Instead, I walked side by side with Ji Soo behind Abeonim as we entered the hospital.

Abeonim spoke with the receptionist in clipped, professional tones and it was all I could do not to scream at the lady to hurry up and find out where Lily was. I crossed my arms and uncrossed them multiple times before opting to put my hands in my pockets in an attempt to keep my worry and panic contained.

The woman directed us to the fourth floor and we quickly left. There was another receptionist desk on the fourth floor and by then, my patience was all but spent.

    "I'm Dr. Lee Kang Bo, I'm here to see Lily Smith," Abeonim said in the same clipped and professional tone from downstairs and it was beginning to grate on my nerves, was I the only one that was worried here? Maybe I was blowing this out of proportion, I told myself. I'd once fallen down the stairs after my younger brother pushed me and I'd gotten back up and was fine. Maybe it was the same for Lily, maybe she'd just fallen and she'd panicked and came to the hospital. Rationally, I knew that wasn't the case because Lily would never make a fuss like this over nothing but maybe she'd had no choice. Maybe the hospital hadn't been her idea, I thought. I tried to calm down as we walked towards Lily's hospital room but I just couldn't shake the thought that something else had gone wrong.

Ji Soo had yet to say anything to me since I'd walked out of the car, in fact, he hadn't said anything since I got in the car either but I tried not to let his silence bother me.

We walked into Lily's room and found it completely empty. There was no bed, no machines and especially no Lily.

    "Where's--"

    "She's getting her scans done now, she should be back relatively soon," Abeonim anticipated my question. Because there were only two chairs in the room, I let Ji Soo and Abeonim take them since I didn't think I'd be able to sit still while we waited for Lily to come back.

'Relatively soon' turned out to be almost an hour and it was just enough time to frazzle my already frayed nerves but as soon as the door opened, we all looked at it anxiously.

They wheeled Lily in on a mobile bed and once the bed was maneuvered into the room, in came the rest of the machines that she was hooked up too. There was a bag full of clear liquid and a machine that rhythmically beeped in time with her heart. However, all of these things barely registered when I saw Lily's face; my stomach bottomed out and fell to my feet.

Lily was pale, about as pale as someone with naturally tan skin can get, which only made the dark circles under her eyes stand out that much more. Then there were the bruises; along the right side of Lily's face were a series of bruises  that all merged into a larger and darker purple bruise along her right jawline. Her head was wrapped in white gauze and I think that's when I forgot how to breath.

Abeonim stayed utterly silent as he took in Lily's appearance but I heard Ji Soo take in a sharp breath, it seemed even he hadn't been prepared for the way Lily would look. This, I thought silently, this was more than just falling down the stairs. I didn't wait to be given permission, I just walked to Lily's side and as soon as they positioned the bed and put the breaks on it, I was sitting by her side with her hand in mine.

    "Lily," I whispered, thinking maybe she had just fallen asleep on her way back to the room.

    "She hasn't woken up yet," the nurse told me before turning to Abeonim. "Are you her guardian," she asked him.

    "Yes, I am," he nodded.

    "The doctor is on his way up to brief you," she said before leaving the room and shutting the door behind her.

It was like it had been choreographed, as soon as the door was closed we all collectively looked back at Lily.

    "What does it mean that she hasn't woken up yet," I asked Abeonim quietly.

    "I don't know," he said.

    "But you are a doctor," my voice sounded harsh even to myself.

    "Ya," Ji Soo finally spoke to me, even if it was to scold me for my impoliteness.

    "It's alright, Ji Soo," Abeonim patted him on the shoulder. "He's worried just like we all are," he turned to me next. "I may be a doctor but without test results, I can't give you any answers. The doctor will be here soon, let's wait to hear from him before we panic," he said.

Too late, I thought. I had gone beyond panic now and was firmly in the 'scared' column. I turned back to Lily and if I hadn't known it was her, I'd say she didn't look anything like the Lily I knew. Or, I thought, like the Lily from two weeks ago when I'd last seen her. Had she been avoiding me because of this? She looked ill. She'd known I would notice and she'd purposefully been avoiding not only me but Mae Ri as well. Even Mae Ri had caught on to the sudden distance Lily had put between us. At the time, I'd assumed it was because of what had happened between us that night but now--now I wasn't so sure.

The doctor arrived a little while later and the grim look on his face said he didn't bring good news.

    "Are you the guardian," he asked Abeonim.

    "I'm Dr. Lee Kang Bo, yes," Abeonim said.

The doctor looked pointedly at Ji Soo and I before addressing Abeonim again, "Would you like to discuss this in private?"

    "No," Abeonim said and I released the air in my lungs I hadn't known I'd been holding. "What did the tests say," he asked.

    "Well, her MRI is clear and the CT doesn't show any structural damage although she does have a hairline fracture on her jaw that will heal on it's own as long as she doesn't do any more damage to her face," the doctor said as he pulled a tablet out of his pocket. I assumed he was bringing up her chart or something because Abeonim bent down to look at the screen closely.

    "Must have been from a stair," Abeonim muttered thoughtfully.

    "That is my thinking as well," the doctor concurred. "However, none of this is the problem," he adjusted his hold on the tablet and brought up a new chart with the s-pen. "I believe this to be the problem."

I felt like screaming because he wasn't saying out loud what the problem was and only Abeonim could see the tablet so Ji Soo and I were left sitting in the dark trying to discern a problem from Abeonim's face.

Abeonim's eyes narrowed as he took a closer look at the screen, "This can't be right," he said.

What couldn't be right?

    "I thought so too so I had her blood retested and the results were the same," he said. "As of right now, we've started her on fluids and once we feel like she's been hydrated enough we will start her on the basic nutrients starting with her potassium. This is all assuming, of course, that she hasn't woken up before then." The doctor finished and I had to dig my nails into my palm just to keep my mouth shut and not ask one of the million questions that were floating around in my head right now.

    "Thank you, Doctor," Abeonim said and bowed slightly. "However, if her numbers have gotten this low, shouldn't there have been signs before this?"

    "Yes, there should have been any number of them although it's different for everyone. I would suggest having her living quarters investigated to see if she hasn't been," he paused looking for the right words. "Hiding anything," he finished.

    "I will definitely look into that," Abeonim nodded. "How is she overall," he asked.

    "I suspect she'll make a full recovery once we've gotten her some of the vitamins and minerals she'd been starving herself of," the doctor nodded.

I jerked my head around so I was looking at Lily. Starving herself? Now that he mentioned it, Lily had lost considerable weight in her face. I couldn't tell about the rest of her body because she was covered up by thick blankets but without the shadow of a doubt, I knew that she must have lost weight everywhere else too.

By the time I turned back into the conversation, the doctor was just saying his goodbyes and taking his leave. This time, however, I didn't have to ask any of the questions myself, Ji Soo jumped in for me.

    "What did you see, Abeoji," Ji Soo asked as soon as the we were alone again.

    "All of Lily's essential nutrient levels are low," Abeonim said and he rubbed his face again.  "Things like her potassium, iron, vitamin C, D, A, all of them are low. Low enough that," he sighed and shook his head. "Low enough to indicate that Lily was severely malnourished. The kind that looks like Anorexia Nervosa."

    "You think Lily was starving herself," Ji Soo asked and a sudden memory was triggered in my brain.

...she eats her food so fast that she looks like she's starving every day...

I had forgotten all about Derek's words that night two weeks ago, especially after what had transpired between Lily and I after I'd spoken to him but they all came back with startling clarity now. Derek had warned me that Lily wasn't eating normally. She'd been eating at lunch but he hadn't seen her eat anywhere else, at the time he'd said it had been happening since she started at the new school. That was, I did a quick calculation in my head, almost a month ago.

    "I'm telling you Dad, Lily would never do such a thing," Ji Soo was saying to Abeonim when I finally started to speak up.

    "This is my fault," I cut in. And, without the shadow of a doubt, I knew those words to be true. This was my fault, if I hadn't been jealous of Derek, of the fact that he'd been watching her, or worried about what had happened afterwards, I would have paid more attention to Lily. I wouldn't have waited two weeks for Lily to come to me, I would have gone to her.

   "What do you mean," Ji Soo asked.

    "This isn't your fault, Jong Hwa, we all--" Abeonim tried to reassure me but I cut him off.

    "No, it is my fault. Derek tried to warn me but I didn't," I turned back to face them, "I didn't even think this was a possibility, I didn't even--"

    "Wait, Derek, as in that guy from her dorm?" Ji Soo asked for clarification.

    "Yeah," I nodded.

    "So Derek told you that Lily wasn't eating and you did what," Ji Soo's face become contorted in anger and for the first time in our ten years of friendship, Ji Soo was actually livid with me. I could see it in his eyes. "You decided to not tell anyone about it?"

    "He didn't say she wasn't eating, he just said that he'd only saw her eat at lunch," I said lamely. Ji Soo had every right to be angry with me, I'd completely messed up and Lily was paying the price.

    "How could you not say something," Ji Soo's voice, which rarely ever raised in anger, raised now.

    "I didn't think--"

    "You're damn right you didn--"

    "Stop," Abeonim's voice bellowed inside the small room and we both instantly stopped talking. Much like his son, Lee Kang Bo didn't get angry very often and when he did, well, you did what he asked you to do. "Do you two think bickering like children will help Lily? Do you think that she is so incompetent that she is helpless without you guys standing next to her?" He cleared his throat and then continued, "Lily is a big girl and can make her own decisions--even bad ones. Yes, Jong Hwa you should have said something when you heard that she wasn't eating but do not think so little of Lily that she can't be held accountable for her actions." He sighed audibly before muttering, "And I thought Mae Ri would be difficult."

Ji Soo and I exchanged a look and I could see the anger slide out of his shoulders, "Abeoji's right."

I couldn't deny that Abeonim had a point but I still couldn't shake the feeling that if I had been paying better attention, we wouldn't be sitting here right now. A knock sounded at the door and a nurse walked in carrying what looked to be Lily's backpack. "This was left in the Emergency Room," she said and Ji Soo walked over to grab it.

I hadn't moved from my spot next to Lily and I had no intention of moving until she woke up. She'd cried out for me when she fainted before and I wanted to make sure I was there in case she cried out for me again. Although I hated it, I was hoping she would so that I wouldn't feel so useless.

    "Lily," I whispered to her, thinking maybe I could coax her into waking up. "Chagiya*, ireona*," the words left my mouth and surprised even me. I glanced quickly at Ji Soo. I had whispered the words but apparently not quietly enough because he gave me a calculating stare. He may not be as angry as he was a few minutes ago but it was clear he was still upset. We would handle it later when we were alone so until then, I decided to focus on Lily. I brushed my thumb down her uninjured cheek and her face didn't move at all, she must have been very deeply asleep. "The doctor said there was no brain damage, right?"

    "None that show up on the MRI," Abeonim said. He must have known where I was going with this because he answered my next question without me having to ask it. "She'll wake up after she's rested some," he said.

Abeonim's phone went off after that and he stood up and walked to the other side of the room to answer it, not that he should have bothered because we could still hear him. "Yeobeoseyo?"

There was silence as whoever on the other line spoke to him. "Her core levels are way too low," Abeonim answered a question we didn't hear. It must have been someone who knew Lily, but who? "No internal damage," he said to whoever was listening. It was silent on Abeonim's side for a long time while he listened, "she what?"

I jerked my head around to look at Abeonim and I could tell by the shocked look on his face that it wasn't good.

    "No, she never--," he told the person to hold on and turned to Ji Soo and I. "Did you guys know Lily had a job?"

I looked and Ji Soo and we both shook our heads. Lily had a job? Since when? I looked back at her and not for the first time, wished she'd wake up so I could ask her questions.

    "That's it?" Abeonim asked and then more silence. "No, I never saw a list, I didn't even know she needed--no, I didn't know," Abeonim's shoulders sagged as he said the last part. "In the trash?" A lot of them?" More silence, I didn't think I had enough energy to be more worried or scared than I already was but I was wrong. Everything Abeonim was saying didn't sound good, in fact, I was willing to bet my soul that there was more that Lily had been keeping from us, aside from having a job, apparently. A quick glance at Ji Soo told me he was assuming the same as he held two fingers to his left temple, like he had a headache.

A new emotion was beginning to slither into my consciousness and it shocked even me; I realized aside from the worry and fear, I was also angry. It felt like betrayal and no matter how much I tried to temper down the anger, I couldn't. Certainly, I was worried about her and I most definitely was afraid for Lily but I was also furious with her, how could she have let this happen to herself?

I was so busy trying to gain control over my emotions that I hadn't heard Abeonim hang up the phone.

    "What now," Ji Soo asked in a voice that sounded as tired as he looked.

    "I think we are going to need to wait until Lily wakes up to get more answers," Abeonim said and he returned to his seat. "There were bloody tissues in her trash, enough of them that it's, well, it's no surprise she ended up in the hospital."

    "Who was that," I asked numbly. With each bit of news, my chest had begun to hurt more and more and I didn't know how much more I could take.

    "Soo Chan Min, her program adviser," Abeonim told me.

    "What else did he say," Ji Soo asked.

    "Just that Lily didn't have much in her room," Abeonim said and looked as confused as the rest of us.

    "What does that have to do with anything," Ji Soo asked before I could.

    "Well, it sounded like it shocked Chan Min, he said he'd given Lily a list of items she could bring," Abeonim said. "He assumed that when she started working she'd start buying stuff for her room but all he found were bathing supplies and some detergent."

    "That's it," I asked.

    "I guess so, she didn't even have bedsheets, he said," Abeonim leaned back in his chair and rested his head against the wall behind him.

    "No bedsheets? What has she been been sleeping with," Ji Soo asked, sounding astonished.

    "Chan Min said he was going to get a hold of her roommate and see what she knew," Abeonim shrugged, he sounded tired.

Abruptly, Ji Soo stood up and reached down for Lily's backpack and placed it on his now empty seat. Before anyone could ask what he was doing, he unzipped the big pocket and started pulling out items.

    "What are you doing," I asked him.

    "Seeing what else Lily's been hiding," Ji Soo said matter-of-factly.

    "Wait, stop, that's her priva--"

    "Oh my god," Ji Soo's words burst out of his mouth and he shoved the backpack into the chair, like he couldn't hold back any more. "Look around you, Jong Hwa! We are in a hospital."

    "I know--"

    "No, I don't think you understand," Ji Soo said angrily and he just stared at me disbelievingly. "Take a look at her face," and unwittingly I did. "This is not okay, Jong Hwa. None of this is okay. She is not okay," he said and took a deep breath and his voice lowered for his next words. "She doesn't get privacy anymore," he went back to pulling things out of her backpack and I couldn't find it within me to try and stop him. I just stared at her face and knew he was right, this wasn't okay.

    "What is that," I heard Abeonim say and I was able to pull my eyes off Lily's face, but only barely.

    "What--"

    "Is that money," Abeonim asked. I couldn't see what he was talking about since Ji Soo's back was blocking my view and I tried to crane my neck around to see what they were looking at.

    "It is," Ji Soo said and he sounded distant. "And a lot of it."

    "Let me see," I said and Ji Soo turned around.

In his hands he held two medium sized baggies with wads of cash in each. He set one down and started to open the one he held but a voice stopped him before he could.

    "Please don't touch my money," Lily's hushed voice said from behind me.

At once, all three of us stared at her. Lily had finally woken up.

To Be Continued...

***

*Chagiya:  "Baby" it's a term of endearment for couples and used most commonly only within a couple dynamic

*Ireona: "Wake up"