A Short Story: Secret Love

Secret Love

Two old friends get together for dinner after a long time apart. One of them is secretly in love with the other one.

Nae Chingu (My Friends) Chapter Twenty-One

Nae Chingu (My Friends)

Chapter Twenty-One

Minnesota, United States...

The car ride back towards the Twin Cities was so silent, I felt like we were in a soundless void. I mean, of course there were car sounds and Greg tried once to put the radio on before I sent him my best death glare but Greg and I said not one word to each other for the four hours we were in the car.

I tried to convince myself that it was because the conversation would reach a better conclusion once we got back to my house but I knew it was because if he said something stupid, I'd bash him over the head and no one wanted to get into a car accident today--and If I knew Greg, he was bound to say something stupid.

So he drove my car in silence back towards the cities. While we were married, he always insisted on driving everywhere so it had felt only natural to let him drive today as well, despite being in my car. It worked out regardless because this way I could stare at him without having to worry about driving.

When we reached my house, I promptly got out of the car and slammed my car door shut.

    "Diane, don't take it out on the--" Greg started to say before I pointed my finger at him. He swallowed the last few words and silently followed me up the stairs and into the house.

Once we got to the inside, I felt like a time bomb that was ready to blow but I stayed silent as I moved around the house, hoping it would ease my pent up frustration and help me find the right words to start, what was going to be, a difficult conversation.

    "Diane--"

    "Sit down," I seethed. When he promptly plopped his butt in a chair, I put my hands on my hips and took a deep breath. "Okay, I want you to explain in detail, without leaving anything out, what exactly happened that lead to you leaving our eighteen year old daughter in a foreign country by--her--self."

The more he told me the harder and harder it became to keep my mouth shut but I somehow managed to stay silent until he was done. I couldn't help but be impressed by the amount of effort Lily had put into staying in Korea. For her to disobey her father like she had, it had taken a special kind of courage that Lily had lacked the last time I saw her. None of these took away the absolute horror of Greg's actions, however.

    "You son of a bitch," I said softly even though I wanted to scream the words at him. However, I couldn't focus on being pissed at Greg, I had Lily to think about and god knows what was going on with her. "You said you disconnected her phone, why haven't you turned it back on?"

    "Once I ended the contract and left Korea, I could no longer activate the same number, at least not without providing the phone and my signature. I tried called the company and get them to activate it but they won't budge. I even tried to get one of my navy buddies over there to activate it but without prior authorization, they won't accept his signature. Even if they did, I still don't have the phone and no way to contact Lily for the phone. I did try, Diane."

And that I believed him. Greg could be a bastard sometimes but he wasn't heartless. In fact, we'd still be married if handled the move from Germany to South Korea better. It wasn't the fact that we moved to South Korea that had ended our marriage, it was the fact that he'd been so blind to his wife and daughter's wants and needs that he hadn't even asked me how I felt about the move before putting his transfer in. We'd fought the entire month leading up to the move and even after, he'd been so careless with the situation that I refused to give in. I divorced him, not because I was unhappy with our marriage--or at least not entirely--no, it was to prove a point to him. A point he'd ignored, I sighed.

    "You always were impulsive," I rubbed my tired eyes. I was still furious with him but my anger wasn't going to help get our daughter back so I put it on the back burner for now. We'd revisit this later, I knew. "Have you tried calling any of her friends," I asked.

Greg was silently looking at the floor and didn't answer my question.

    "Let me guess, you never even bothered to get the phone numbers of her friends, did you?" I loved this man but there were times, like now, I envisioned choking him to death with my bare hands--with love, of course. "What the hell have you been doing for three years Greg?"

    "If you hadn't left, none of this--"

    "Don't you dare put this on me," I said in my you're-in-danger-deep voice. "I left her with you so I could get stable back here. She didn't want to come home after that. I left her with you, she was your responsibility! How could you mess this up," I spun away from him.

    "Because you weren't there," Greg spat out angrily. "Because you left me! Without so much as second of hesitation, you just left. Lily and I had to make do. You want to know why I messed this up? Because I wanted to come home to you, that's all I could think about and I got angry and did something on impulse. And now..."

And now Lily was all alone in Korea, I thought.

    "This isn't about us," I said and finally sat down next to him and felt more calm in this moment than I had in the last five hours.

    "It's always been about us and Lily paid the price," Greg said and scoffed. "Both times."

He was right. I had left out of anger at him and I hadn't even thought about the repercussions of my actions until after he told me Lily had gotten sick. By then it was too late, the divorce was final and I had a house and job to worry about here. She'd gotten better, thankfully but now, it had been Greg's mistake and both times, it'd been selfish decisions we'd made for ourselves. God, we were terrible parents.

    "We gotta get her back Greg," for the first time tears started to fill my eyes and I put my head on the counter. "I gotta find her."

    "I know," Greg put his arm around me and patted my shoulder.

***

Lily...

I stayed in the hospital for two days while they pumped me full of fluids and food before they deemed me fit to leave.  You'd think I'd been in the hospital for weeks judging by the copious amounts of visitors I had. Chan Min, Derek, Brian, Annabeth, a couple of girls from the program that I hadn't even realized knew who I was, and of course, my three best friends. Mae Ri had made a fuss when she made her visit. Judging by the look on the doctor's face when she arrived, he wanted to kick her out as soon as she started crying. Eventually she calmed down and was fine but there were more visitors than I knew how to handle.

I told everyone what had happened, I knew they'd speculate anyway, and Annabeth told me afterwards that she was glad I'd fallen down the stairs.

    "I'm sorry, what," I said in mildly offended.

    "Lily, you were starting to look so sick and you'd grown distant. I mean, if you hadn't fallen down the stairs, we," she looked at Derek and Brian. "We were going to report you, it just wasn't--healthy."

I hadn't realized how bad I gotten, I thought, or at least I hadn't realized how much of it had shown to others.

    "Thank you," I said quietly to them. "I got lost and well, I'm sorry for making you worry."

    "It's no problem as long as you are better 'cause," Brian scratched the back of his neck and looked sheepish. "The girlfriend's going to be here next week and I need to at least look like I've been trying to learn Korean and I need your help."

The others had laughed with me and after an hour they took their leave. Jong Hwa, who'd been sitting outside in the hallway came back in after they left.

    "You didn't have to leave, you know," I said when he sat down next to me and automatically reached for my hand.

Every moment after the first day, Jong Hwa and I had held hands continuously. I thought after awhile the feeling of holding hands would get old but it never did. I always felt better whenever our hands touched and I think he felt the same way.

    "I know but you've had so many visitors, I know that less is always better," he said.

    "I can't wait to get out of here tomorrow." I smiled happily.

    "Are you sure you are ready, Lily," Jong Hwa asked again and squeezed my hand lightly. He'd asked me this several times throughout the day after we got the news of my impending discharge.

    "For the hundredth time, yes, Jong Hwa. I'm more than ready to get out of this bed." I squeezed his hand to reassure him. "I'm getting better, I have more strength and moreover, I have the program to think about. Chan Min said the Director would let me stay--in light of what happened--although, on Monday I have to meet up with him and I doubt it'll be pleasant."

    "Well you did scare quite a few of us," Jong Hwa muttered. Even though we were okay, more than okay, he hadn't quite forgiven me even though he assured me he had. I could tell by the way he said things that eluded me to his true feelings. I wish I could pluck the worry out of his mind so we could go back to normal but much like he'd told me the first time, we just needed time.

     "I'm sorry, Jong Hwa," I said quietly.

    "Stop apologizing," He said lightly, too lightly, I thought. He'd tried several times throughout the day to give me smiles but none of them reached his eyes and it was starting to grate at my nerves.

    "I can't help feeling like something is wrong and you're just not telling me," I said.

    "Nothing is wrong, Lily," he said and put a smile on his face, one that didn't look convincing at all.

    "So this is what it feels like," I said as I came to a startling realization.

    "What does," he asked me curiously.

    "When someone tells you they are fine and you know they aren't," I said. I decided it didn't feel good and I told him as much. "I'm not entirely sure I'm okay with this. God, how did you do it?"

     "Years of practice with you," Jong Hwa teased lightly.

     "Ah-ha, so you admit something is wrong!" I pointed my finger at him and he looked guiltily away.

He sighed and let go of my hand. I had a second where I felt like I should panic but I beat it down. Jong Hwa said he'd never leave and I believed him and I trusted him, it was just hard to change old habits over night.

    "I'm worried," he said. "And I'm scared."

    "Why," I asked and moved closer to him.

    "Because after you leave tomorrow, I won't be able to stay near you all the time to make sure you are okay," he admitted.

    "Jong Hwa, I'll be fine--"

    "You said you were fine before and look what happened," Jong Hwa bit out in a frustrated voice and it shocked me enough to keep me quiet. "I know I can't stay with you twenty-four-seven but right now, I want too. I need to make sure you are okay because I feel like I'll go crazy if something like this happens again."

    "Jong Hwa--"

    "No, let me finish," he sighed again. "Ever since the moment I saw you, I've been drawn to you. At first it was just because I wanted to help but as time went on, it stopped being about just wanted to help you and turned into me wanting to take care of you. It was easier to take care of you when we went to the same school but after you left," he stopped to gather his thoughts. "Every time I saw you afterwards, you were being pulled farther and farther away from me and there was nothing I could do to stop it. It was like you no longer needed me."

He got up from the bed and  paced a little bit away and came back to stand by the bed. "I'm worried and scared that once you leave tomorrow, you'll no longer need me again. I don't want you to become dependent on me or anything," he waved his hands at me like he was worried he'd offended me. "I would never want you to feel dependent on me, I just need to know that you need me. As much as I need you," he looked at me and allowed me to see all of his fears in his eyes, things he'd been hiding the last couple of days.

I patted the spot next to me on the bed and waited for him to sit down. "I've always needed you," he opened his mouth to say something but I put up a finger. "No, now it's my turn." he gave me a small smile and nodded. "You know, I wouldn't have lasted one month in Korea if it hadn't been for you. I've needed you from the moment I met you and that will never change. After my dad left, all I could think about was keeping you near me. Holding onto you as much as I could but I also felt like needing you was a risk I couldn't take. Not when it seemed like everyone would leave eventually. I was terrified I'd be left alone that I had this--this--insane compulsion to prove to myself that I could do everything on my own."

I pulled myself higher on the bed so I could sit up straight as I continued. "But every time I saw you, I felt my resolve shake and begin to crumble. It was like all my worries and fears went away when I saw you but then you'd leave again and each time they could all come back and I felt they were getting heavier and heavier. Then I would remember what I needed to do. That's why I pulled away these last few weeks, I felt like I needed you too much, I depended on you too much."

We sat in silence for a few minutes and we both digested each other's words.

He nodded like he'd reached some sort of conclusion. "I want you to call me every day," he said finally.

    "I will call you every day," I agreed.

    "And you'll eat," he asked sternly.

    "You know how much I like food," I told him.

He lifted a hand to my cheek, "You're too thin now," he said.

    "I always meant to lose that extra twenty pounds, now I could probably fit into most of Mae Ri's clothes," I said. If there was one benefit to this whole messed up situation, it was that.

    "I liked you the way you were," Jong Hwa wouldn't even let me joke about the weight I'd lost. In fact, he'd been trying to stuff me full of food since the first day at the hospital. I would't be surprised if I hadn't already gained some of it back. "Besides, do you really want to wear Mae Ri's clothes?"

I thought about it and barely held back a cringe. "Not really, it's just the idea that I could," I answered honestly.

    "Come here," he cupped the back of my neck and pulled me closer. He kissed my forehead, both cheeks and then finally my lips. It was the first kiss we shared since the first and only time we kissed before a few weeks ago. It didn't last nearly as long as I wanted it too but I knew it wouldn't be the last kiss we shared so I was okay with it. "Don't change anything else about yourself. I love you just as you are," he looked into my eyes and nodded encouragingly. I hope the tingly feeling I felt every time he told me he loved me never went away.

    "You never used to be this bold," I said as I rested my forehead against his.

    "It's amazing what a near-death experience will do to a person," he said before pulling away so he could look at me fully.

    "I wasn't near death, Jong Hwa," I scoffed lightly.

    "Could have fooled me by the way you looked when they first brought you in here," Jong Hwa said but not in a joking manner.

    "I'm sorry," I said again.

    "And let that be the last time you apologize," he said sternly. "Besides, next weekend, you'll begin making it up to me."

    "Uh-oh," I grumbled. He still hadn't told me any of his "ideas". "How will I be doing that, again?"

    "You'll see," he smiled at me knowingly.

    "Should I be worried," I asked worriedly.

    "Not at all," he said too innocently which meant I wasn't going to like whatever idea he'd come up with but it wasn't like I could refuse him at this point, considering everything he'd done for me.

    "Ah-huh, we will see, I guess," I said.

    "Okay, it's late and you need to sleep so move over," he got up and turned on the side lamp before turning off the overhead light. Dr. Lee had pulled some strings and they allowed Jong Hwa to stay with me at night at the hospital even though it was against hospital policy to allow visitors to stay overnight in non-emergent cases. To be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if Dr. Lee claimed some mental distress disorder in order to convince the doctor to let Jong Hwa stay but I wasn't going to ask. I wanted him here anyway. So I moved over and Jong Hwa climbed onto the bed. He never slept under the covers with me; not only had the doctors been uncomfortable with us even sleeping in the same bed together but even I had my propriety to think about so instead he slept on top of the covers and me under them to keep somewhat of a barrier between us.

    "Are you sure your mom is okay with this," I asked. "I mean, you don't have to sleep here, it's not like I'm going to disappear overnight, I'll still be here in the morning when you--"

He gave me his best "stop talking" stare and I shut my mouth, "Okay, okay, I was just asking."

    "Good night, Lily," he wiggled his arm under my head and I snuggled a little closer.

    "Good night, Jong Hwa," I said back and closed my eyes. I wished things could stay like this forever.

***

Ji Soo...



    "Have you talked to her since yesterday," Mae Ri asked me over the phone.

    "No, but I've talked to Jong Hwa," I said back to her as I rolled over onto the side of my bed that wasn't full of textbooks. "Sounds like she's getting discharged tomorrow afternoon."

    "Jinjja," Mae Ri asked in a voice that sounded only half as excited as it would have normally. In fact, Mae Ri had sounded off yesterday as well. "Dahaengida*," she mumbled.

    "You don't sound that relieved," I commented.

     "I am," Mae Ri said unconvincingly.

    "What's going on, Mae Ri-ya?"

She sighed. "I don't know what to do, Ji Soo. I don't think Lily wants me around any more," she sniffled into the phone and I could tell she as holding back tears. Mae Ri had always expressed her emotions through tears, whether it was sadness, anger or relief, it always came out the same way.

    "You are her best friend, why wouldn't she want you around," I asked even though I knew that Mae Ri had been feeling neglected lately, especially when it came to Lily. It had felt like Lily had been the glue and when Lily was gone, we'd all just kind of waylaid away from each other. Jong Hwa had grown distant for obvious reasons and Mae Ri and him had never been super close to begin with and that left me but there was only so much I could do.

    "Doesn't feel like we're best friends any more," Mae Ri said quietly into the phone. In truth, I missed the loud Mae Ri and I felt like she'd been quiet far too long.

   "She's been sick, Mae Ri-ya," I told her. "She's getting better now; just watch, you'll both be close again in no time. Why don't we throw her a welcome home party?"

    "How would we do that," she asked and I could tell she was interested.

    "I could have my dad drop us off in the morning before he picks her up from the hospital, we could decorate her lobby and when she got home, well, surprise," I suggested.

    "Sure," was all Mae Ri said.

    "Kim Mae Ri," I said in mock anger. "It's time to buck up and show Lily that you haven't given up on her. So by tomorrow your attitude better improve!"

    "Okay," she sounded slightly more enthused. "Okay, I will."

    "That's my girl," I said without thinking. I winced when I realized what I'd said. "I'll see you tomorrow."

Silence. "I'll-I"ll see you tomorrow." And she hung up.

I put my phone on my chest and rubbed my face. If I wasn't careful, Mae Ri would figure out my true feelings and I didn't think either of us were quite ready to take that step. I had to give Jong Hwa credit because he'd been able to gather his courage and confess to Lily about how he felt. One day, I hoped I'd find the courage to do the same.

***

Lily...

We left the hospital a little after one in the afternoon and it was nice to see the outside and breath the fresh, spring air. It had warmed up in the two days I'd been confined in the hospital, so much so that I didn't even need my jacket anymore even though Jong Hwa insisted I wear it so I didn't catch a cold.

When we reached the dormitory, Dr. Lee waylaid our entrance by asking me how I felt for the second time in under an hour.

    "I'm fine, Dr. Lee," I looked at him curiously. He seemed jittery to me and even Jong Hwa looked shifty eyed. "What's going on?"

    "Nothing," Dr. Lee said with more enthusiasm than necessary.

I put my hands on my hips and looked at Jong Hwa, "What's going on?"

Jong Hwa passed a glance over at Dr. Lee and I knew I was right, something was up. "Well..."

    "We couldn't stop her," Dr. Lee said.

    "Don't be angry," Jong Hwa said quickly.

    "Why would I be angry? Couldn't stop who?" I looked at them both and waited for answers.

    "She did it with good intentions, just remember that,"

    "Mae Ri, she wanted to give you a welcome home party," Dr. Lee said and snuck a quick glance at me to see if I'd be angry. "Actually, I think it was Ji Soo's idea but I don't know for sure."

    "She misses you as her friend," Jong Hwa said and pushed a lock of hair behind my ear. It embarrassed me that he did it in front of Dr. Lee but Dr. Lee didn't seem to mind. "Just remember that."

I had a moment to decided how I would react; I felt energized by the good weather and the fact that I'd been couped up for days and a surprise party...sounded pretty damn good right about now. I smiled brightly and hooked arms with Jong Hwa, "Let's not keep her waiting then, huh?"

The two of them looked so relieved it was comical and I walked into the building with a bounce in my step and a smile on my face. As soon as I opened the common area door, I was accosted with shouts of "Surprise!" by not only Ji Soo and Mae Ri but Derek, Brian, Annabeth, and nearly 10 others from the program but none of this was as surprising as the fact that Emily was there as well.

     "Gwaenchana," Mae Ri asked me but didn't give me a hug which was unusual.

    "Yeah, come here," I pulled her into my arms and hugged her sincerely for the first time in a long time. She didn't hug me back right away and I understood her hesitation. I'd been a crappy friend but not anymore. I let her go and linked arms with her. "When did you have time to pull all this together?"

    "Actually, Ji Soo--"

    "It's okay, Mae Ri-ya, take all the credit," Ji Soo cut her off and patted me on the shoulder per usual. It was a little hesitant and I think we both had echoes of our last argument in our minds but I was determined to start fresh with all my friends.

I took Ji Soo's hand and squeezed it without saying a word. He must have understood what I was trying to do because he winked and nodded at me and we both smiled.

    "Ya," Jong Hwa pulled my hand from Ji Soo's grip jokingly and pulled me away from him.

It struck me then; the four of us were standing around each other and there wasn't any awkwardness between us. We were all smiling at each other and the general atmosphere was peaceful and I cherished it more than anything else in that moment. "Thank you guys, for everything."

After that, I greeted everyone else and joked and laughed and talked about the things I'd missed. Granted, not much had happened in the three days I'd been gone but it was nice to feel like I was finally part of the group again. I knew that it had been me that had kept a distance from everyone else but now that I'd put aside my stupid notion of independence, I felt like I belonged. Sure I still missed my family and lord only knew when I was going to see or talk to any of them again but for now, I was okay.

***

    "Did you get the tickets," I asked into the phone as I drove to work.

    "Of course I did," Greg responded righteously.

    "When is the flight," I asked him as I turned into my works parking lot.

    "Next Friday," he told me.

    "Next Friday? But that's a week from now, you couldn't find a flight sooner," I asked loudly into the phone. It became harder and harder to stay calm every passing day I wasn't in Korea finding my daughter.

    "They don't have flights to Korea every day, Diane, be patient, Lily will be fine," he tried to reassure me but it fell on deaf ears.

    "You don't know that," I just couldn't shake the feeling that something terrible had happened to Lily.

    "Well panicking about it isn't going to help anything," Greg said defensively. "She's got friends and people she's close too. She's fine," Greg sounded like he was trying to reassure himself more than he was me.

    "She better be or so help me God, Greg," It wasn't the first time I had threatened him since the day I'd gone to Fort Ripley and I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be the last until I had Lily in my arms.

    "I gotta go," he said and we hung up.

One more week until we could fly out to Korea and find her. I knew it would be a week filled filled with worry and guilt until I had her back in my sight. I had no plans for once we got there besides finding Lily. I only hoped she'd come back with us without a fight.

To Be Continued...

***

*Dahaengida: There are a few translations but the general understanding is "I'm relieved" or "That's a relief" or "I'm glad".

Nae Chingu (My Friends) Chapter Twenty

Nae Chingu (My Friends)

Chapter Twenty

   “Oh my god,” I vaguely heard someone who sounded an awful lot like Ji Soo say. I felt like the voice was coming from far away but with every passing moment consciousness was becoming a real thing. “None of this is okay,” I heard the dim voice again. “She doesn’t get privacy any more.”

Why were people being so loud, couldn’t they tell I was sleeping? I had work in the morning. Why would Emily let people in the room when I was sleeping? Because she was a cold stone—wait, I had a vision of a mop and bucket flying into the air? Well that was weir—and just like that, everything that happened came back in a flash. I’d been walking down the stairs at work when I’d tripped…had I tripped? I don’t remember tripping, I thought as I fought hard to remember the events that had taken place before I’d completely blacked out.

I had gotten dizzy and lost my footing. I hadn’t let go of the mop and bucket of dirty water until it was too late to catch myself and I cracked the side of my face on the floor. As if on queue, I was able remember what had happened. I could feel all the aches and pains in my body, most of which was centered on the right side of my face.

It was at this point I could hear everything happening in the room with clarity, “Is that money?” Was that Dr. Lee? Ok, I definitely needed to open my eyes now, I told myself even though my body was slow in responding to my demands.

I had a terrifying moment of thinking maybe I had lost my eyesight but a sliver of light appeared through the small slit of my eyelid and I knew how ridiculous I was being. After struggling to just open my eyes, what I saw had not been what I was expecting.

The first thing I noticed was an upright body sitting next to me and even with his head turned away from me, I knew it was Jong Hwa. He was holding my hand although I could barely feel it, I tried to squeeze his hand to get his attention but just as with my eyelids, it was a struggle just to get my arm to twitch. Behind him stood Ji Soo and Dr. Lee who were looking very interested in something I couldn’t see.

“Let me see,” Jong Hwa said as if he’d heard my silent plea and I watched in horror as Ji Soo turned around holding the emergency funds I’d put into baggies. They must have been going through my backpack.

I tried to get their attention by lifting my arm but I could barely twitch a finger so I quickly abandoned that attempt and tried my voice next. It hurt to even suck in air through my mouth, no less trying to force air out to speak words but I finally managed on my third try. I think watching Ji Soo start to open one of the bags gave me the motivation to make speech patterns although it sounded pretty jumbled to my own ears.

“Please don’t touch my money,” I think I said. They must have heard me because everyone’s eyes turned towards me and if I could have, I would have cringed back into the bed with the stares everyone pinned on me.

“Lily,” Jong Hwa was the first to recover and he squeezed my hand tightly before gently patting my hair back from my face. “Oh thank you,” he said while he brought the hand he held to his forehead as if offering the thanks to me although I knew I hadn’t deserved his gratitude.

No one said anything else so I took the brief moment of silence to look at my surroundings. It was pretty clear from the tape and IV on the hand Jong Hwa was currently holding up within eyesight that I was in a hospital. If that wasn’t enough, the rather large beeping machine to my right was a dead give away.

“Lily, do you know where you are,” Dr. Lee stood up and came to stand next to the side of the bed.

I tried to nod but the very act had my body protesting in anger, at least I assumed, if the pain was anything to go by. So I cleared my throat as much as I could and hoarsely whispered the words, “A hospital?”

Dr. Lee nodded. “Do you know what happened,” he asked in the same calm voice he’d used with his last question.

“I fell,” I cleared my throat again. “I think I fell down the stairs,” I had to clear my throat again. It felt like I’d spent the last six months in the Sahara sucking in sand from the way my voice sounded and how dry my throat and mouth felt. “Water, please.”

“Ji Soo,” Dr. Lee said over his shoulder and without hesitation Ji Soo left the room to get me some water.

Jong Hwa was rubbing his thumb over my knuckles and it was distracting enough to have me looking at our conjoined hands.

“Does this hurt? Should I stop,” he asked, worry lacing his voice. This time I managed a shake of my head although it did make me wish my head would fall from my shoulders. He registered the head movement and kept trailing his thumb along in slow, gentle strokes.

“Lily are you in any pain,” Dr. Lee asked, bringing my attention back to the tall doctor.

“Yes,” I whispered and God was I ever. As more and more of my body came back online, the more pain I felt. I wanted to say that I was in a lot of pain but I stuck to the easier monosyllabic words I’d been using.

Ji Soo returned carrying a pitcher of water with the doctor close on his heels.

“’Ello, Ril-li,” the doctor said in incredibly broken English as he approached the bed. “My nae-ma iz—“

“She speaks Korean,” Jong Hwa cut the doctor off rudely and informed him.

I blinked quickly to make sure it had actually been Jong Hwa who’d spoken. Jong Hwa was normally never that rude, especially to an elder but it had definitely been him who’d just cut off the older doctor.

There was an awkward silence following Jong Hwa’s declaration. Dr. Lee raised his hand and rested it gentle on Jong Hwa's shoulder; whether it was a warning or an act of reassurance, I wasn't sure. The doctor cleared his throat and began once again in Korean this time. “My name is Dr. Choi. Do you know where you are?”

If I’d had the energy to sigh, I swear I would have. Instead, I gathered my reserves and prepared myself to give the same answers to the questions Dr. Lee had just asked me.

After a few minutes of questions, he finally pulled out his stethoscope and checked my vitals. “Well, your vitals seem to be normal however your labs show that you are depleted of all your core essentials,” he said.

I looked to Dr. Lee for translation but it was Jong Hwa who spoke up in English, I guess he remembered that my Korean language skills didn’t really cover medical jargon. “He’s saying the things your body needs to keep running are gone, vitamins, things like that.”

I nodded and winced at the movement.

“I will have a nurse come in and administer some pain medication, once we’ve gotten some more fluids into you, I’m going to have someone from the psychological department come down to just see where you are at,” the doctor said in a kind voice, like he was talking to a wounded animal.

“Did I-“ I cleared my throat. “Did I hurt my brain,” I asked.

“Your scans show no indication of brain damage,” the doctor smiled nicely.

“Then why-“ I cleared my throat but this time Dr. Lee lifted a cup with a straw to my mouth so I could drink. I would have hugged him if I’d been able to lift my arms more than an inch off the bed. God, it hurt to move. “Why do I need a-a,” I struggled to think of the word but obviously my brain wasn’t working so fast. It was Jong Hwa who finally finished my question.

“Why does she need a neurologist,” Jong Hwa asked and I nodded in confirmation.

“No, not a neurologist,” the doctor said, at first to Jong Hwa but then changed directions and spoke to me directly. “A psychologist,” he reiterated.

“Why,” Jong Hwa asked for me.

“To evaluate her mental status,” he said. I had been taking a drink from the cup Dr. Lee offered me again when he said this and I choked on the water I’d tried to swallow.  If I hadn't been so worried about what the doctor had said, I would have cared about all the water I'd just sputtered down my chin and onto the top of my hospital gown.

    "My mental status," I asked and for the first time since waking up, I didn't feel any pain. It was like my mind completely shut down the rest of my body. "There's nothing wrong with my mental status."

    "It's standard procedure for someone with Anorexia Nervosa," the doctor told me as if I hadn't said anything. "Anyone presenting with this particular disorder needs to be evaluated by the psychology department."

    "What," I looked at Jong Hwa and then back at the doctor. "I'm not anorexic," the look on the doctor's face clearly told me he didn't believe me. "I swear I'm not--" and I stopped. I'm sure everyone with Anorexia Nervosa said they weren't. "Look, give me food right now, I'll eat it in front of you, whatever you give me I'll eat."

    "Doctor, could I see you outside," Dr. Lee asked. The Dr. Choi nodded and walked with Dr. Lee out of the room.

    "I'm not anorexic," I said to the room in general.

    "Lily, it's okay if--"

I cut Jong Hwa off, "I'm not anorexic, Jong Hwa. You have to believe me," I tried to convince him with what little voice I had. What happened to the nurse bringing  me pain meds. Although my body barely registered the pain in light of this new revelation, I could still feel the echo of pain that had been there when I woke up.

    "Lily, what's been going on," Jong Hwa asked me in the same kind of voice the doctor had used. Like I was some wounded animal that everyone was afraid of. I think I could handle it better coming from the doctor, because he didn't know me, but I couldn't handle that voice from Jong Hwa. It made me feel weak and I wasn't weak.

    "Don't speak to me like that," I said to Jong Hwa and tried to take my hand out of his but in an instant, his hand became a steal vise as it closed around my palm and refused to let loose it's grip.

    "Like what," he asked.

    "Like I'm some child that needs taking care of," I said, still attempting to tug my hand out of his. I didn't have much strength to actually use my arm to it's full capacity but I wasn't sure if I would have been able to remove my hands even if I'd had full use of my appendages. "I've been doing just fine on my own and having you sit there and treat me like a naive child--"

Ji Soo's abrupt laugh cut off the rest of my sentence. He had taken a seat and was now rubbing his face with both his hands. His laughter was only somewhat muffled by his hands but clear enough that I knew he was laughing sarcastically. "Now I know you need to get your head checked."

    "Ji Soo," Jong Hwa attempted to admonish but I suddenly felt like fighting. I wasn't sure if that was because I felt so helpless sitting here and basically immobile in this bed or because Ji Soo was the only one to not treat me like a baby.

    "No, Jong Hwa, let him say what he needs to say," I said, my words were thrown out like a challenge. "What did you want to say, Ji Soo?"

    "Oh, Lily, there's so much, I don't know where to begin," he laughed again, but not like he was actually enjoying this. More like he was spoiling for a fight as well.

    "Well, you obviously have something to say so say it," I said.

    "Fine. You are a coward," he spat out. All semblance of humor was gone. He looked me directly in the eye and said it and if I could have, I would have cringed away from the words. "You pretend to be strong and yet here we are, in a hospital that you yourself basically signed into."

    "I don't know what you are talking about," I said defensively.

    "Of course you don't because you are absolutely blind to everything around you right now," Ji Soo said. "You somehow convinced yourself that you don't need anyone and you've shut the rest of us out."

    "I never--"

    "Oh you knew what you were doing when you were doing it," Ji Soo exclaimed loudly. "You basically avoided us as much as possible. Even Mae Ri; you both used to be damn near inseparable but now look at you two," he flung his arm out as if to make his point. "Has it even occurred to you that she's not here?"

I didn't want to admit it out loud but no, it hadn't occurred to me. I'd been so focused on Jong Hwa and then the doctor that I had barely registered anything else.

    "Didn't think so," Ji Soo said after reading my face. "You are so scared. You are terrified and you're trying to cover it up with-with-with whatever you've been doing these last few weeks, trying to prove yourself to the world but now, look at you." He actually tsked at me. "Is this why you worked so hard to stay in Korea? If it is, then it was a waste of your time and of Jong Hwa's. If this is the best you can do, then you might as well go home."

    "Ji Soo," Jong Hwa said sharply and he stood up abruptly. He turned towards Ji Soo who'd also stood up. I didn't know what to expect except from the looks of it, it looked like they might have actually thrown punches at each other. "That's enough."

    "I'm not saying anything you haven't already thought about but fine, comfort her if that's what you think she needs. Me? I think she needs a reality check," Ji Soo tossed out before turning on his heel and walking out the door.

 ***

 Ji Soo...

I shut the door behind me, leaned against it and just breathed. I couldn't shake the feeling that what Lily needed wasn't comfort. I mean, we had all been comforting Lily since the moment her father left and it obviously wasn't working. With everything that had been found out this morning, I couldn't help but get more and more angry as each new revelation but the final straw had been watching Jong Hwa comfort her.

It was in Jong Hwa's nature to care for others and I understood that but hadn't we let Lily wallow long enough? Of course, she wouldn't think she'd been wallowing but quite honestly, I wasn't sure what she'd been thinking to begin with. None of us had, apparently otherwise we wouldn't have been so shocked. The more and more I thought it though the more I felt like I was right, she needed a reality check.

How she was going to get it, I didn't know but I couldn't go back into that room without either controlling my anger or coming up with a solution. Just what the hell did Lily need?

    "Giving them some privacy," Abeoji asked me as he came back down the hallway.

    "No, I just couldn't sit there and watch them," the more I thought about it the more infuriated I got about the whole situation. I gripped the back of my neck to help ease some of the tension but it didn't really help. "No good will come from me sitting in that room and watching him coddle her."

    "Jong Hwa is only doing what he knows how to do; take care of her," Abeoji said and sat down in one of the chairs that lined the hallway. He patted the seat next to him and since I had nothing else better to do, I sat down. "I know it's frustrating; not being able to help when you want to is one of the hardest part of being a doctor. If this is the field you want to go into, it's best now if you get used to it."

    "But she's my friend,' I said like that made all he difference in the world. Like I was suppose to be able to help her more because of our friendship. It seemed underneath it all, friends or no friends, you never truly understood another person.

    "That's what makes it harder, not easier," Abeoji sighed and leaned back. "You know, when your mom died, it was the most angriest I've ever been. I knew theoretically how to help her but none of the medicines were helping. I had to sit back and watch her get sicker and sicker despite all the knowledge I had." Abeoji sat in silence for a few minutes while he worked through his thoughts.

We rarely ever spoke about mom, not because he didn't want to talk about her, I knew he did but because I was afraid that if he did start talking about her I'd feel, well, nothing. I had vague memories of her but nothing solid, nothing that felt like anything more than a dream I barely remembered. I wanted to pretend that my lack of emotion towards not having a mother was just because I didn't remember the love she had for me rather than a lack of compassion on my part. Because of that I'd always shied away from any stories Abeoji might have told me to avoid the guilt of being an unloving son towards a mom I could barely picture in my head. This, however, was the first time he spoke about her death.

I wondered if Jong Hwa was feeling how my father had felt all those years ago, having to sit around while you watch your loved one getting sicker and sicker. Then I thought about what had just took place and instead of anger, and frustration, I just felt sadness and guilt. I had probably just made things worse with my little tantrum. "Aish," I grumbled and slid farther into the chair.

    "I understand," my father gripped my knee and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "I understand."

***

Lily...

Following Ji Soo's departure, Jong Hwa sat back down and reached for my hand. "Don't worry about him, he's just worried about you, we all are," he said.

    "You say that but you're probably thinking the same thing he is, that I'm crazy," I said. I was still angry; I was angry at everything, my life, God, those damn stairs! If I had just let go of the bucket or mop sooner I could have caught myself and I wouldn't have ended up here.

    "I don't think you are crazy," Jong Hwa said easily. He idly traced patterns on the back of my hand and I found it distracting and maddening at the same time. I wanted someone to yell, to scream or do something I could take my own personal frustrations out on and I almost regretted having Ji Soo leave. Jong Hwa no longer sounded like he pitied me, in fact, a strange sense of calm had come over him after Ji Soo made his rather uneventful departure.

    "Then what are you thinking," I asked defensively. Gah, if he was smart he'd just leave but I couldn't bring myself to tell him to go.

    "I'm thinking he's right," Jong Hwa said in the same, easy tones as before.

    "He's...right," I repeated in shock. I was hurt, it was ridiculously unfair of me but I could feel all the anger I had inside of me, all the frustration and sadness that had just been swirling around me for the past few weeks finally found an escape route and it just happened to be Jong Hwa. "You think I'm a coward? Is that really what you think of me? Well I guess I'm glad the truth finally came out."

I tried to pull my hand away but just like before, he had my hand in a vise-like grip and showed no signs of letting go. "Let go of me," I said dangerously quiet at first.

    "No," he said simply.

    "Let go of me, Jong Hwa," I said again but a little louder this time. "Let go of me and get out," is what I said out loud except the irrational part of me wanted him to ignore me.

    "I'm not going anywhere," he said. His other hand which had been supporting his body on the bed now cupped the other side so my hand was held between both of his.

The movement made my insides clench the familiar feeling of a panic attack was slowly rising into my chest. "Let go of me," I couldn't shake the panic and it gave me a surprising boost in strength. It was, quite literally, fight versus flight, the only problem was I wanted to go in both directions. I yanked my hand out of his and I think I caught him by surprise. "Get out," I said again.

    "No," he reached for my hand again and caught it even though I was trying to push his hands away. I used my other hand to pull myself up higher on the bed so I could get the momentum I needed to push him away. "Lily stop," he said in the same calm voice and it was starting to grate on my nerves.

    "Get away from me, get out," I was like a wild animal with no rationale. I just wanted him gone so I could go back to doing what I had been doing before, surviving. I just needed to keep surviving and I couldn't do that if Jong Hwa was around. "Please, just leave me alone," I pushed at him harder and all he did was come closer and closer until our bodies were no more than a foot apart.

It had been hard to push him away when he was farther down the bed but now that he was so close, I couldn't get the leverage I needed to shove him back, not that I would have if I had the chance. I wanted Jong Hwa gone but I didn't want to hurt him, "Please just go." His proximity did nothing to help the panic that was very quickly threatening to take over, I could already feel the constriction of airflow to my lungs.

Faster than I could have imagined he pulled me up and encircled my shoulders with both of his arms and just held tightly. Time stopped, even my panic attack hit pause as I registered the movement and felt his warmth surround me. "I don't think you're crazy and I don't think you are a coward," he said fiercely into my ear, his earlier calm all but evaporated in that moment. "I do think you need a reality check," he finished.

He pulled back and cupped my face gently while looking directly into my eyes. My usually easy-going Jong Hwa looked anything but as he said the next few words, "So here's reality: I'm not leaving. I'm not ever going to leave, do you understand?" He didn't wait for me to say anything before he continued. "I'm here, Lily. I'm here."

It was like he hit an off switch in my head; I stopped fighting him and just sat there and looked into his eyes.

    "I'm here," he said once more just in case I hadn't heard the last two. "I'm here with you. If you struggle, I struggle. When you are in pain, I'm in pain. I'm not going anywhere so please," he voice cracked and I could see how shiny his eyes had become. "Please stop trying to push me away."

Whatever shaky pillar that had been holding me up these last few weeks crumbled and I just fell into his arms and true to his words, like always, Jong Hwa was there to catch me. He held me tightly as I sobbed out all of my pain and anger and frustration until I had almost nothing left and I was more tired than even before. He supplied me with tissues until I felt like my face wasn't a watery, snotty mess and I could finally look him in the eyes again.

    "Do you want to lay down," he asked me kindly. "Are you still in pain?"

I thought about it and realized that although I was still stiff and sore in places, I wasn't in the excruciating pain I'd been in earlier which surprised me since I'd just wracked my body with sobs and should be feeling even worse but I wasn't. Adrenaline, maybe? I shook my head but laid back down on the bed. "I'm sorry," I said quietly. I didn't even know how to apologize for the last few weeks, and I couldn't even imagine how to begin to make up for all the stupid things I'd said and did.

    "Don't," Jong Hwa said as he lifted himself up enough to pull the covers to my chin. "When you're better, you'll pay me back."

    "I don't even know where to start," I admitted and reached for his hand, he grasped it and brought it to his lips. The move was so cheesy that I couldn't contain my chuckle.

    "I have ideas," He smiled sheepishly and looked down like he was embarrassed. This was my Jong Hwa, I thought. I missed him, it felt like I hadn't seen this side of Jong Hwa in a long time. Before my dad kicked me out, back when things were simple, maybe? Or, I thought, as simple as my life ever got.

    "Should I be worried," I asked.

    "No, it's just--," he shook his head and laughed at himself. "There are things I want to do with you, like date-type things." His face looked a little pink and he looked away from me.

    "I love you," I said. I said it mostly because I wanted to see his reaction and I wasn't disappointed. He looked up at me with surprise in his face. His mouth formed a small 'o' like he was surprised I'd said it at all. I also said it because I should have said it two weeks ago and hadn't. Heck, I should have said it two months ago and just couldn't work up the courage. Jong Hwa had taken all the steps and now it was my turn.

    "I love you, Jong Hwa," I said it again. "But I'm afraid to."

    "I know," he said.

    "I don't know how to move past the fear," I admitted. "If this," I gestured the space between us. "If this doesn't work, it will break me and I," I cleared me throat. "I don't ever want to feel this pain again."

    "Come here," he said. I was just about to push myself into a sitting position when he laid down next to me on his side and opened his arms. I hesitated for only a moment before I turned into him and let him put his arms around me. "I'll show you I'm not leaving, you'll just have to trust me until then."

And if there was anyone I trusted, it was Jong Hwa. I silently prayed that he never changed his mind before falling asleep in his arms.

***

Minnesota, United States...

I couldn't get a hold of my daughter. The last communication I'd had from her was almost two months ago. I'd even heard more recently from her father, an email he'd sent tell me that he was moving them back to the States. I'd sent Lily an email almost immediately but I hadn't gotten a reply. Not entirely unusual but then I sent another one and then finally a third, all without reply. Unsure of what was going on, I sent her a couple of text messages and then finally called her except her phone at been disconnected. Instead of being panicked, I'd taken it as a good sign--assuming she'd gotten a new, local number and just hadn't called me yet.

So I waited, and waited and now, nearly two weeks after they were suppose to have come home, I still hadn't heard a damn thing from either Greg or Lily. Enough was enough, I thought and that's how I found myself at Fort Ripley on a Friday afternoon asking for Greg.

    "May I ask who you are," the soldier behind the receptionist desk asked me in a polite voice.

    "His wife," I could barely keep my anger out of my voice. I couldn't believe it had come to this, I shouldn't have had to drive all the way here just to find out where my daughter was.

    "Ah," the man looked confused before picking up the phone and dialing Greg's number anyway. "Yeah, Sergeant Smith, your-ah-your wife is here to see you." The man smiled up at me before turning discreetly to the left and said in a slightly muffled voice. "She doesn't look happy." He jerked the phone away form his ear and just stared at it for a second before hanging up. "He-ah-said he'd be right up."

I was willing to bet money that was not the words he'd chosen but the result was the same, I figured. It was nearly thirty minutes before Greg came out to the front desk. I hadn't seen him in almost four years and the rush of emotions that swirled up inside of me was mixed, at best. It did nothing to help my anger however.

    "What the hell is going on," I said as soon as he got close enough.

    "Now, Diane, calm down," Greg said in a pseudo-calm voice.

    "Absolutely not," I pointed my finger in his face. "I have not heard from either you or Lily in weeks, no calls, no texts, nothing. What is going on," I repeated my question in my best 'no-bullshit' voice.

    "There was a bit of a situation, I'm attempting to handle it," Greg said and I felt all the anger flow out of me. This couldn't be good. I almost collapsed but Greg helped me to a nearby chair and I sat down.

    "Oh God, what happened," I asked, my thoughts only on Lily. "Is she depressed again? What's happened with my baby?"

    "It's nothing like that," he waved off my concerns and I felt instantly better.

    "Oh thank God," I sighed in relief. "Is she just angry? Why hasn't she texted me or called even?"

    "Now, Diane, don't get mad," Greg said which told me all I needed to know--whatever he said next was going to piss me off. "Lily is still in Korea."

    "What," I said in complete disbelief.

    "She didn't want to leave," Greg went on like I hadn't said anything. "She's found a program, I don't know. I wasn't really paying attention when I locked her out of the apartment, I was just so angry. I assumed she'd give in and meet me at the airport once she realized the kind of mistake she was making but then she didn't show up, and I had already paid for the plane ticket, her's too actually but they refunded--"

    "WHAT DID YOU DO," I screamed at him. Rage boiled inside of me and I found myself steady on my feet and in Greg's face.

Everyone that had been within a 50 foot radius stopped moving and just stared at us but I couldn't care less.

    "Diane," Greg foolishly admonished. "I told you not to get angry."

The fight that ensued would be one for the ages.

To Be Continued...

Nae Chingu (My Friends) Chapter Eighteen

Nae Chingu (My Friends)

Chapter Eighteen

The days following the night Mae Ri, Ji Soo and Jong Hwa visited me seemed to blur by. I continued the same routine; I'd get up, clean, go to school, come back to the dorms, do homework and sleep only to get up and clean again. After another week passed by, I came to the startling conclusion that I'd managed to put myself on autopilot. I hardly registered the actions my hands were taking or the words that were coming out of my mouth whenever I spoke to someone. I did what I needed to do and moved on to the next step, whatever that was at that moment.

I had started to buy cheap packs of tissues to keep with me at all times because of the frequent nosebleeds I was getting. I used to laugh at the Korean dramas that often showed a student having nosebleeds while studying and hadn't realized that it was a real thing. I kept my waste basket under my desk and tucked behind my chair. Not because I didn't want people, most especially my roommate, to see that all my efforts were beginning to take a toll on my body but because it was gross and no one needed to see it. At least that was what I had convinced myself was the reason, deep down I think I knew I was overworking myself.

My eating habits had changed as well. I was rarely ever free enough to grab dinner and on the days when I worked in the morning, I never stopped to get breakfast so lunch was now my main--if not my only--meal of the day. It was kind of a good thing, I discovered, when I'd realized I'd lost some weight. Enough that I now had to use a zip tie I'd found at work to cinch two belt loops together so my pants didn't hang halfway down my hips. Just you wait, Mae Ri, I'll be your size yet, I thought when I realized how much weight I'd truly worked off.

In the interim since my conversation with Brian on the bus I had done some serious reflection on what I wanted and I had decided what I wanted was to no longer be afraid of failing. I had begun stock piling my weekly earnings into little baggies that I carried around with me and didn't spend any of it unless it was absolutely necessary. Of course, I spared the few bucks it took to replenish my shampoo and conditioner but I'd convinced myself I didn't need the measly things like bed sheets or socks. I continued to sleep with my jacket, despite the warmer weather that said Spring was on it's way and I washed my only pair of socks every night before bed.

If anyone had seen a change in my demeanor, no one said anything and that was exactly how I preferred it. I kept up the minimal contact to keep up appearances but never did more than was required. This seemed to appease Mae Ri but only proved to upset Jong Hwa whenever I sent him reply messages that were only a few words long. It seemed he'd reached his limit two weeks after the last time I'd seen him.

I'm coming to see you tomorrow. We need to talk.

I read the text and felt a small amount of panic flit through me. I didn't want to see him, I'd finally gotten used to not having him around and I knew that if I saw him tomorrow, it'd rip down all the defenses I'd spent the last two weeks building.

Can't. I have a study group until late. Another time? 

It was a lie because tomorrow was Thursday and we'd had our study group today but he didn't know that.

Lily, I know you're avoiding me. I need to see you.

I glanced at the clock and noted that it was nearly ten at night and I had only manged to complete about two-thirds of the homework that was due tomorrow.

I'm not avoiding you. I'm just busy. I'm tired so I'm going to bed. We'll talk later.

I thought he'd push the issue but instead his reply was only one word:

Fine.

I put my phone down and ignored the pain that always seemed to prick at my heart whenever I thought of Jong Hwa.

I worked on my homework until I just couldn't any more, my eyes had started to burn and it was late enough that I knew getting up at two-thirty in the morning was going to be difficult so I took out the small piece of tissue I'd shoved up my left nostril to block my latest nosebleed and went to bed.

Per usual, I zipped up my jacket and ascended the first step of my bunk bed ladder when a wave of dizziness had me reaching backwards to catch myself on the closet door. I managed to stop myself from falling to the floor but my closet door, which hadn't been all the way shut, slammed closed and left a resounding crash that instantly woke up Emily.

    "Wha-" she looked around until she saw me awkwardly standing on one leg with my other leg still on the first rung and shaking my head to try and stop the dizziness. "What are you doing," she shrieked which only made me wince in pain at the volume.

    "Sorry, I slipped," I muttered and tried the first step again.

    "Oh my god," she huffed angrily and laid back down.

You little brat, I thought to myself. Couldn't even ask if I was okay? This time I was able to get to my bed without another dizzy spell and felt all my tension drain away as soon as I put my head on my makeshift pillow.

All too soon my alarm was going off again and I dismissed it quickly in fear of waking Emily up again. Lord only knew what'd she do to me the next time I jolted her out of sleep and I didn't have enough energy to waste on dealing with her.

I was careful as I descending the steps and realized I'd forgotten to pack my bag the previous night. So I gathered my books, my uniform and checked to make sure my money was in my bag before I left.

The walk to work wasn't nearly as bad now that the weather had started to get better, in fact, the spring air was refreshing and made me a little lightheaded. When I got to the club, my mood had taken a drastic upturn and I felt a little floaty. I checked in with the night time security guy and as per usual, started on the upstairs. It seemed like business had been slow the previous night because only four of the eight karaoke rooms had been used. It was always nice when I had less work, maybe, if I finished with work in time, I could even run by the cafeteria at the dorms and pick up something for breakfast.

I had just finished the last karaoke room when I picked up the small bucket of water and the mop I'd used to wash the floors and went to take them downstairs. I only got down three steps when another wave of dizziness overtook me but this time, with my hands full, I didn't have anything to stop me from falling. Everything had gone black by the time I reached the bottom of the stairs.

***

One Week Ago...

I had set up an appointment with the Director since he'd wanted me to come see him. I just got off of school and the only thing really on my mind was to get home and get some homework tonight and sleep but I gathered up the courage to come see him despite all that. I felt like I was tired all the time and since today was a Monday, I didn't have to work in the morning so it was my day to catch up on sleep.

The receptionist waved me towards the seating area and said it would be a few minutes before the Director came to get me. So I sat and waited. True to her word, the Director hadn't made me sit long before he came out of the side door and greeted me with a wide smile. He hadn't changed much in the month since I'd last seen him.

    "Ah, thank you Lily for coming to see me," I stood up and bowed to him respectfully.

    "Hello, Director," I said but left it at that because I didn't really now what else to say.

    "Are you hungry? I'm hungry, let's get something to eat," he didn't even wait for a reply before he started walking towards the front door and out onto the street. "Spring," he said while he took a deep breath in through his nose. "It's close, I can smell it."

    "Yes, Director," I followed a little behind him, unsure of what this was all leading too. If he was going to scold me for having a job, this seemed an odd way of doing it.

    "Do you like fish cakes," He asked me when he stopped at the corner of street and looked left and right.

    "Yes," I told him.

    "Me too, I know a place that sells really good fish cakes," he took an immediate left and steered us towards a street vendor that sold food.

    "I'm sorry, Sir, but what is this about," I asked as I followed behind him.

    "We'll get to it, don't worry," he said which only caused me to worry more. It had to be serious if he wasn't willing to even give me a hint.

He ordered the food and even I had to admit that it smelled delicious and when it arrived, I dug into the fish ball soup with fervor.

    "I was going to say it looked like you'd lost weight since I last saw you but it seems that you have a healthy appetite," the Director said jovially and he continued to eat his soup at a leisurely pace. "Do you like tteokbokki?"

    "You don't have--"

    "Ajumma*," the Director called to the woman behind the small kitchenette. "Tteokbokki juseyo*," he ordered a round of spicy rice cakes before I could decline his offer.

    "Ah, Ye," she called back and brought us the food and gave us each a toothpick to eat it with.

The Director speared a rice noodle and swirled it around the sauce before putting it in his mouth. I did the same because it would be rude to decline the food after he'd ordered it.

    "So I hear you are all by yourself now," the Director said without preamble and had me nearly choking on my own noodle.

    "Yes, sir," I confirmed as I wiped a little sauce from my lip.

    "Is that why you got a job," he asked before he spooned more soup into his mouth.

    "To make money, yes," I answered and put down my toothpick.

    "Ani, meogeo*," he gestured for me to take another bite of noodle.

I picked up another piece of noodle and put it in my mouth and waited to see what he said next.

    "How is the job going," he asked me after another moment.

    "Good, sir," I said simply. There was no way I was going to tell him how tired working actually made me.

    "What do you do," I could tell he was getting to his point because he'd stopped eating his soup and seemed to keep looking off into the distance, anywhere but at me and it made me feel like at any moment the other shoe was going to drop.

    "I clean, sir," I said and put down my toothpick again.

    "Where," he asked.

    "Do I have to tell you," I was getting tired of this interrogation and I wish he'd just tell me what he wanted to tell me already. However I knew better than to be rude, so I made sure my tone stayed even.

    "Did you know I'm well within my rights to remove you from the program," he said nonchalantly like he hadn't just potentially upended my world.

    "What," I asked loudly and the Ajumma turned to look at us.

    "Don't worry, I'm not threatening you," he said quietly and looked back at me. "But I will if I find out this job is causing issues with school." He let his words sink in and I felt he'd just slapped me on the hands with a ruler. "In this world, education is the only constant. Things are always changing and evolving and people are constantly learning just to keep up with it."

    "You're special, Lily," he said and once again looked away as he spoke. "I've seen older people than you cave to lesser struggles. Chan Min saw it in you the first time you came to his office and I saw it in you the day I interviewed you. You're special and you've got something about you that makes people want to protect you," he said.

    "I don't need--"

    "You're tough, I'll give you that but even the strongest can fall," he said easily as his gaze came back to mine. "History is proof of that," he finished. "I want to see you excel and I'm willing to jump through all kinds of hoops to make sure my students have all that they need to succeed in this program but it all starts with you."

For the second time in week, I felt like I had just been scolded. First by Brian, and now the Director. What, were the words 'troubled kid' tattooed on my forehead or something? With nothing else I could say I simply nodded and waited in silence until he finished the rest of his soup.

    "Hmm, masissda*," he put a few won on the table and stood up and I followed suit. He waved to the Ajumma who smiled and waved back as she continued to work on another group's order and we headed back in the direction of the ESE building.

    "Thank you for the food," I told him once we reached the building. I hadn't planned on going back inside but he waved me towards the door anyway.

    "Chan Min wanted to see you before you headed back to the dorms," he said.

    "Why," I asked carefully.

    "You'll need to ask him," he said with a smile and waved to me as he continued to talk past the building and down the opposite way we'd come.

I reluctantly reentered the building and told the receptionist to let Chan Min know I was here to see him now. Rather than waiting, she ushered me straight back to him and I walked to his desk without an escort.

He was clicking away at his computer when I knocked lightly on the plastic lining of his cubicle to get his attention. "Ah, Lily, you're here." He hit save on whatever document he was working on and spun around on his chair to give me a smile.

    "You wanted to see me," I said and sat down in the visitor's chair.

    "Yeah, I was going through your file to make sure I had everything for your graduation in a few months and noticed that the form you previously filled out for your emergency contact information listed your father as your emergency contact. Did you," he looked a little sheepish and he carefully chose his next few words. "Did you want to update that information?"

He handed me the paper I'd filled out a month ago. Had it really already been almost a month since I'd been on my own in Korea? I'd say time really flew by when you were having fun except the last four weeks had been anything but fun.

    "I suppose I should," I said and reached for a pen on his desk. I hesitated when it came to crossing out my father's name out but knew I had no other choice. I hadn't heard a peep from him since he'd left and I hadn't even gotten a hold of my mother. I wonder what he'd told her when she realized I hadn't come home with him. Had she even tried to get a hold of me? I wouldn't know since my phone was turned off but I suspected she'd at least tried once. I stared at the blank line and wondered who I'd put, I had no one else in the country that could put on that line.

    "If you don't have anyone else to put, you could just put me," Chan Min said after a minute of struggling to think of someone. "I mean, it doesn't have to be your parent. It could be anyone you would trust to make decisions for you if you ever unable to make them for yourself."

Who did I trust enough to make decisions for me? The first person to pop up in my head had been Jong Hwa. He was still a high school student though so he wasn't eligible to be my working guardian. His mother maybe? No, I couldn't put that kind of pressure on her.

    "Do you maybe have a doctor you trust on the base that you would feel comfortable being your emergency contact," Chan Min suggested and it clicked. No, I didn't have a doctor on base, but I did have a doctor.

I put Ji Soo's father's name on the line. The only problem was I didn't have his cell number. "I'm going to put down a number but it's not his. It's his son's, you'll just have to ask to speak to Lee Kang Bo. But I honestly don't think you'll ever have to use this," I laughed lightly. Or at least, I hoped not.

Chan Min nodded and took the sheet when handed it back to him and put it in my file. "Glad that's taken care of," he said and turned around and just looked at me. "How are you, Lily," he asked.

    "I'm-I'm good," I said and managed to keep most of the tension out of my voice.

    "Dahaengida*," he said and leaned back in his chair. "I don't want to keep you, I know you must have homework but you'll call if you need anything, right?" He made the universal sign for a phone and held it up to his ear.

    "Yes," I affirmed and stood up.

It wouldn't be until later that the importance that meeting with Chan Min would be until I found myself in the hospital.

***

Present Day...
Ji Soo...

My phone rang shrilly by my bedside and woke me out of a deep sleep instantly. I picked it up and noted the time as well as the fact that it was a number I'd never seen before. I debated on whether or not to answer it. I decided that it must be important for someone to call at four in the morning and put the phone to my ear.

    "Yeobeoseyo," I said sleepily into the phone.

    "Is this Lee Kang Bo," a man's voice said on the other end.

I pulled the phone away from my face to make sure it truly was mine and hadn't gotten mixed up with my father's. "Aniyo, jjamkkanmanyo," I got up from bed and slowly made my way to my father's room and opened the door. My father's snores almost instantly stopped the second I called his name. He may not work in the hospital any more but he still maintained the hospital mindset and could wake up instantly and be alert no matter what. I dropped onto the side of the bed he didn't use and passed the phone over even as I swung an arm over my eyes.

    "What is it," he said as he rubbed his eyes.

    "I don't know, someone called for you," I said. "Here," I said, shaking the phone so he'd grab it.

    "Yeobeoseyo," I heard my father say into the phone.

There was silence and then my father shot up in bed and nearly dislodged me from my side when he pulled the covers. "Mworigo*," he said loudly into the phone. I sat up next to him and could tell by the look on his face and the sound of his voice that whatever it was, it was serious. But why would they be calling on my phone, whoever it was.

    "I'm on my way," he said briskly and hung up. He wasted no time in getting out of bed and threw clothes on haphazardly.

    "Abeoji, mwoya," I asked him as he finished putting on clothes. "Who was it," I asked.

    "Ji Soo, follow me," he said and left the bedroom. I got up from the bed and followed my father to his office where he pulled out his medical bag and started filling it with items from his desk.

    "What's going on," I asked again, now I was started to get worried. I glanced at the number again on my phone and struggled to see if anything about it rang any bells.

    "Ji Soo, listen to me," my father said in a commanding tone. "Ji Soo," he said again to get my attention and I looked at him. "It was about Lily. There was an accident, they don't know much but she's at the hospital."

It took a moment for his words to sink in and then I turned around to go back to my room to get dressed but my father stopped me, "No, there's no point in you going to the hospital until we know more."

    "But Abeoji," I said faintly.

    "I will call you if anything happens," my father said as if that was the end of the discussion but it wasn't. I had never raised my voice to my father but I raised it now.

    "Abeoji," I said loudly and brought my father to a halting stop. "She's my friend, I'm going."

My father looked at me and must have seen something on my face because he nodded and went back to packing. "Fine, go get dressed. Call Jong Hwa as well," he said. "Don't," he added loudly. "Don't tell him what it's about. Just tell him to get dressed. We'll swing by and pick him up on our way."

    "What about Mae Ri," I asked. My father thought about it and ultimately shook his head.

    "No, she'll panic," he said and I had to admit that he was right. She would panic and no good would come out of telling her anything before we had more answers. "Okay, go," my father said and shooed me out the door.

I was calling Jong Hwa before I even changed out of my pajamas, "Ji Soo-ya, why are you calling so early?"

    "Something's come up, Jong Hwa. Get dressed, I'm on my way to come get you," I told him.

    "What," he asked in a less sleepy voice.

    "I don't have time to explain but you need to get up and get dressed. We'll be there in ten minutes, okay?"

    "Okay but--"

    "See you soon," I cut off his next question and hung up. He'd get dressed and we'd tell him once he got in the car.

For the first time in a long time, I prayed. I prayed that Lily was alright. It had to have been something major for her to be taken to the hospital but what she could have been doing that would cause her to go to the hospital at four in the morning was beyond me.

To Be Continued...

***

*Juseyo; "Please"

*Meogeo: "Eat"

*Ahjumma: Ahjumma refers to a sometimes older woman, but it could also be used for a woman who is married, doesn't necessarily have to be older. It's just a respectful term for older/married woman.  (On the flip side, you have Ajusshi--older/married man). Word of caution, this word is NEVER used for someone who is younger or unmarried, it's an insult otherwise. You're basically calling them "Old man" or "Old woman" before their time.

*Massida: "Delicious"

*Dahaengida: "I'm relieved", "I'm glad" or "That's good"-as in "That's good that you are doing well".

*Mworigo: "What did you say?"

Nae Chingu (My Friends) Chapter Seventeen

Nae Chingu (My Friends)

Chapter Seventeen

It seemed easier to get up the next morning than it had the first day even though my body felt exhausted. My arms felt listless as I got dressed but I pushed through. I met no resistance as I walked through the front doors so I knew the Director had faxed over the waiver form as promised. Although it was cold outside, I barely felt it as I walked the eight blocks to the club.

Much like the first day, I finished work within enough time to the school bus and groggily praised myself for a good job as I hiked back the eight blocks to catch it. I had missed dinner and breakfast again but my stomach seemed oddly quiet, so all-in-all I wasn't doing too bad.

I managed to stay awake for the first part of school and when lunch came, Annabeth was right by my side ready to walk arm in arm. I couldn't find the strength to refuse her. We walked to the lunch room followed by a very quiet Derek and Brian. I had almost forgot about Brian and I's argument until I boarded the bus that morning. Brian refrained from saying anything to me and no one else had given me a weird look, not even Derek as he'd waved to me, so I assumed Brian hadn't shared our conversation with everyone else.

We got in line, loaded our trays and sat down at what I had termed the "Foreign Exchange Table" since no one ever sat in our table--almost like it was always reserved for us only. Much like the previous day I ate my food quickly but this time when I finished, I was uncomfortable. I felt nauseous and although it didn't help very much, I held my stomach hoping that it would stop aching so much.

Brian didn't say more than a few words throughout the entire lunch period and Derek just seemed to be eyeing me closely. This was one of the moments I was thankful to Annabeth because she didn't allow the silence to get awkward. She talked about all sorts of things to fill in the time and it wasn't long before we were being dismissed from lunch to go back to our classrooms. My stomachache didn't ease until school was almost ever and by then, I was ready to go home and sleep.

Just a couple of months, I told myself. It had started to become a mantra in my head earlier when I was cleaning the club but now as I repeated the words, it seemed that the next couple of months could quite possibly be the longest of my life. I waited til the bus was all but empty before getting off.

I hadn't watched to see if everyone got off but Brian called my name as soon as I stood up to get off myself. "Lily, I want to talk to you for a second."

    "Brian, I'm tired," I said and even to my own ears I sounded exhausted.

    "Look, hear me out," he said as he walked up the bus aisle to me and pointed to the seat I had just vacated. "You look dead on your feet, just sit for a sec and listen, okay?"

I couldn't even put up a good argument so I just sat down. I promised myself I wouldn't make the same mistake as yesterday and I would keep my mouth shut and just let him do all the talking. It was the same thing I'd done with my father for years, how hard could it be with Brian?

    "I made a mistake yesterday," he started. "I made an assumption when I shouldn't have so I want to apologize for that but you also made an assumption"

    "Excuse me," I asked him, offended. This was a pretty crappy apology if he was placing blame on me.

    "You know," he leaned back in the seat he was in and looked thoughtful. "This program was my girlfriend's idea. She wanted to come to Korea and I wanted whatever she wanted so we both applied and took the exams. I got in," he shrugged. "She didn't," he finished. "It seems like we've been together since we were in diapers," he continued without prompting. "Our parents are old high school friends and everyone considered us cousins so when we started dating in middle school well, 'shocked' was a bit of an understatement."

I didn't understand why he was telling me all this but I was seeing a whole new side of Brian. I was reluctantly getting sucked into the story and my anger started to ebb.

    "They got used to the idea once they realized how much we loved each other but I gotta say," I looked up at him when he paused and I could literally see the pain etched on his face. "The day we got our letters in the mail was both the hardest and saddest day we've ever had to face. I was going to withdraw my application except she wouldn't let me. We fought," he took a breath and seemed to swallow a lump in his throat. "We almost ended our relationship except neither of us could bring ourselves to do it so I came to Korea and she stayed home."

    "Why," I asked suddenly. It was clear that Brian loved his girlfriend, his eyes shined and I knew he was holding back tears.

    "Because she hasn't given up on her dream," he laughed humorlessly. "She turned a negative into a positive by building an elaborate future for us. Her idea is that I'll get a handle on all things Korean and whens she comes over it'll be an easier transition. She has this expectation that I'll be fluent in the Korean language by the time she gets here," he shook his head in doubt and chuckled quietly. "I wont, of course but for her, I'm willing to try."

    "How are you guys doing now," I asked him.

    "We miss each other," he told me. "We miss each other a lot and it's hard," he added. "Our parents are really supportive so in a couple weeks her and our parents are coming to visit but I haven't decided if I'll miss her more or less after she leaves again."

    "Why are you telling me all this," I had gotten wrapped up in the story and forgot that I wanted to keep a distance from him.

    "Because I wanted to show you that although your story may be different, don't forget that we all have our stories and they're all going to be different. So don't assume that your story is any worse or better than someone else's," he looked pointedly at me.

I just got scolded, I thought. By Brian, of all people. I didn't know what to say so I just stayed silent but Brian must have picked up on my uneasiness. "You don't have to say anything, you don't even have to say sorry. I just," he paused. "Wanted to tell you that you aren't alone even though you feel like you are. From the sounds of it, you've had a tough time of it. Tougher than most but you have the power to change your future," he slapped his hands on his knees and stood up. I craned my neck to look up at him. "That's all I have to say so, I'll just leave you to figure out what it is that you want."

He left me on the bus to think about what he'd said. I wasn't angry or arrogant enough to believe that I was the only one who'd had a hard life. In fact, Brian's story was very eye-opening and it was cause for some serious reflection. What was it I wanted? I thought about it and realized my previous mistake. My goal had been to stay in Korea and although it had been a very good goal, it had also been a very singular goal. I hadn't thought past that goal, in fact I had been winging it since day one and all I'd received in return was obstacle after obstacle. I needed to come up with a plan and figure what I wanted in the long term sense but I wasn't going to do it sitting on the bus, I sighed.

I exited the bus and made my way inside and just like Monday, I'd only made it a few steps before someone shouted my name from across the room. I turned and saw Mae Ri waving from the couch with Jong Hwa and Ji Soo by her side. I had forgotten that they was coming after school today, I glanced at my phone to check the time. I had spent more time than I thought thinking about my life on the bus.

    "Mae Ri-ya," I smiled and walked over.

    "Jong Hwa has something to tell you," she pointed eagerly at Jong Hwa who was looking extremely uncomfortable.

    "Mwo," I looked at him. I think if I hadn't been looking at him, he'd have given Mae Ri a dirty look. Ji Soo patted her hand as if he knew her faux pas. Mae Ri, as usual, was oblivious.

    "I, ah," he scratched his eyebrow. "I'll tell you later," he said sheepishly.

    "But--" Mae Ri started.

    "Mae Ri-ya," Ji Soo chided lightly and squeezed her hand. I would have missed it had I not been looking at them at that moment. Mae Ri looked down at their joined hands and looked back up at Ji Soo. Their eyes connected for a minute before Mae Ri looked away and pulled her hand out of Ji Soo's. Ji Soo looked down, then at me and for the first time I realized he liked her. I purposefully cocked an eyebrow at Ji Soo who gave me one of his cocky little smiles before turning back to Jong Hwa who hadn't, by the look on his face, missed the interaction either.

    "You guys must be Lily's friends, I think I saw you here the other day too," Annabeth came waltzing up and linked arms with me. It had become so normal in the last five days that I barely blinked an eye until Mae Ri stood up and pointed at our joined arms.

    "Ya," she had a look of outrage on her face and before any of us could stop her she pushed herself in between us until Annabeth let go of my arm and then she linked arms with me herself.

    "Mae Ri-ya," I hissed at her rudeness.

    "We haven't even been apart for five days and already you have a new best friend," Mae Ri said fiercely.

    "What are you talking about," I was surprised that she'd even think that. I'd been here for over three years and the only friends I'd really ever made had been these three. How could she possibly think that in five days I'd made best friends with Annabeth? And then it hit me. Because Annabeth wasn't Korean. Technically, we were kindred spirits due to our nationalities and that made me wonder how I'd feel if I saw Mae Ri arm in arm with some other girl? I decided it'd make me feel horrible, like I'd been replaced.

    "Did I do something wrong," Annabeth asked.

    "Not at all, hold on," I told her and turned back to Mae Ri. "You are my best friend, that will never change," I stressed the word never. It was true, I thought. I couldn't imagine my life without Mae Ri, she'd been such a strong presence and a huge support since I met her that I couldn't imagine her not ever being around. "I promise," I told her and stuck my pinky out.

She gave me a doubting eye before linking her pinky with mine and we pressed our thumbs together. "You promised," she said and I nodded.

    "You'll have to excuse Mae Ri, she's very protective," I told Annabeth who only smiled and nodded.

    "Choegoui chingu*," Annabeth asked as she pointed between the two of us and just as I went to correct her pronunciation, Mae Ri shook her head.

    "Aniyo, gajang chinhan chingu*," Mae Ri corrected her.

    "Ga-jang chin, I'm sorry, could you repeat that," Annabeth said slowly.

    "Ga-jang chin-han chin-gu," Mae Ri reiterated.

    "Mae Ri-ya, jjamkkanman," Mae Ri nodded and let me talk to Annabeth. "Remember what I said the other day about there being multiple ways to say something. This is exactly what I am talking about. 'Choegoui' does mean 'best' but it means like 'best at'. It's synonymous with 'top' or 'ultimate'. Oh, like 'best in show'."

    "So what does 'gajang chin-chin'," she paused to try and think of the correct phrase.

    "Gajang chinhan chingu," I told her. "Well, 'gajang' means 'most' and 'chinhan' means friendly so when all the words are put together it basically means 'most friendly friend' or, as we would say, 'best friends'."

Annabeth digested this and breathed out a long breath, "Man, this just gets more and more complicated."

I couldn't help but chuckle, "I know. But like I said, it's easier when you see fluent speakers speaking the language rather than reading it."

    "Well, do you guys mind if I watch you talk," Annabeth asked while she looked at all four of us. "I suppose that would be kind of weird, huh?"

    "Not at all, that's about how I learned too. Jong Hwa," I pointed to him. He'd been looking somewhere else when I'd said his name but now I had his attention. "He speaks English so he was able to do a lot of translating to make it easier."

    "What are you saying to her," Mae Ri asked and looked at Annabeth suspiciously.

    "She wants to learn the language and wants to listen to us talk," I told her and she only pouted for a minute.

    "But we can still hang out, right?" Mae Ri asked.

    "Of course," I told her and motioned for her to sit back down on the couch. Annabeth and I snagged a couple of chairs and pulled them up until we were gathered together in a semi-circle. Because I hadn't changed out of my school uniform, I put my backpack over my lap to hide my legs.

    "Omo, that reminds me," Mae Ri said while she groped around for her own backpack. "I saw these and I though they'd be perfect for your school uniform!" She rustled things around in her bag before she pulled out a small package and handed it to me. My jaw dropped as soon as I saw the front picture. There was no way I'd ever get caught wearing these! They were navy blue nylons with big white star patterns in varying sizes up and down the legs.

    "Mae Ri-ya, no," I shook my head and looked at her. She had the biggest smile pasted on her face but it started to dim the moment I said I wouldn't wear them.

    "But come on, they match perfectly," she stood pointed to the picture. "The blue and the white, the white matches your lapel," to illustrate her point, she pointed to my lapel.

    "I am not going to wear these," I told her and tried to hand them back. Ji Soo took them from me and gave them a considering eye.

    "Actually, these aren't all that bad," he said and looked from the picture to my legs and back again.

I had the sudden urge to cover my legs up but I couldn't get my backpack to cover both my lap and my calves at the same time.

    "They might make your knees look less awkward," Ji Soo said and gave my knees a calculating look.

I jerked my backpack over my knees to hide them from Ji Soo's gaze. Jong Hwa, with a smile on his face, lightly elbowed Ji Soo and said, "There's nothing wrong with her knees."

    "Thank you, Jong Hwa," I said quickly as I dropped my backpack in an effort to catch the nylons that Ji Soo tossed back to me.

    "Let me see them," Annabeth said shyly. I handed them to her and she smiled quickly. "Oh these are cute! Are you going to wear them," she asked, not having been able to make sense of our conversation.

    "Absolutely not," I denied quickly. "Have you seen the stuff she wears," I asked irrationally because obviously Annabeth had only seen her twice which was not nearly enough tmes to see the magnitude of some of Mae Ri's outfits. I pointed to Mae Ri as if to prove my point. Much like every other day of the week, Mae Ri was wearing one of her typical outfits. Under the tan skirt she wore maroon and white polka dotted nylons with white socks that had a frilly fringe barely sticking out of her two-inched, beige, Mary Jane's.

    "You wish you had as much style as her," Ji Soo said underneath his breath.

    "Mwo?" I huffed in indignation.

Jong Hwa was too busy laughing to stand up for me this time and it went on like this another few minutes before Mae Ri finally put an end to the conversation, "Ya, ya, ya, settle down." She reached back into her backpack and pulled out another package of nylons and tossed them to me.

I cringed as I looked at the picture on the front. I was relieved when I saw that they were plain, navy blue nylons with no special designs, "Thank you, Mae Ri." I nodded graciously to her.

    "I told you she wouldn't go for the stars," Mae Ri said to Ji Soo who nodded.

    "Indeed you did," he shook his head in mock disappointment.

    "Ya, jugeulae?" I raised my fist slightly as if I was going to hit him and gave him my best angry face but he simply stared at me before looking to Mae Ri. They shared a moment before laughing at my expense.

    "Kyuteu*," Mae Ri pointed at me while she laughed.

    "Ya!" I yelled loud enough to turn heads.

***

It was reaching time for them to leave and I knew I had to get to bed since I'd have to be up in a few hours to get to my job. I debated on telling the others about it but decided against it, all it would do is give them cause to worry and that was the last thing I wanted.

    "Where's the bathroom," Jong Hwa asked when he stood up. I pointed to the hallway that lead to the kitchen where the bathrooms were located. "Second door on the right," I told him. He nodded and left.

While he was away I took the time to try and give the star-studded nylons back to Mae Ri. She graciously accepted them back but turned to Annabeth unexpectedly and said in English, "You like?"

    "Oh, ne," Annabeth responded in Korean.

    "Keep," Mae Ri said and handed the nylons over to Annabeth who accepted them excitedly. I couldn't help but smile. It felt kind of nice to mix my old life with my new one and it made me feel lighter than I had in weeks.

A minute later, Ji Soo pulled out his phone and read a message. "Is that your father," I asked him. He nodded slightly before closing his phone.

    "Well, shall we?" Ji Soo asked as he gestured towards the direction of the main entrance.

    "We have to wait for--" I started to say before Jong Hwa came up behind me, I hadn't seen him come from the hallway. "Oh, hey," I said with a smile.  He looked concerned about something which couldn't have been a good sign if he'd just returned from the bathroom. "Are-are you ok," I asked him.

He looked up at me distracted and just stared. I was just about to wave my hand in front of his face to see if he was even paying attention when he finally nodded and gave me a halfhearted smile, "Yeah."

    "You sure," I asked again to make sure.

    "Yeah," he nodded once again and picked up his jacket from the couch.

He said he was sure, I told myself. No need to worry.

I walked them to the front foyer and gave Mae Ri a hug. Ji Soo did his usual shoulder grab and a quick nod. I turned to Jong Hwa thinking we'd also share a quick goodbye but he waved the other two off who left without so much as a glance back.

Once again we were alone and the butterflies in my stomach made me feel bubbly. "What's up," I asked him once the others were out of sight.

    "I had something I wanted to tell you but--" he stopped and looked behind me at the door. I remembered what had happened the last time when Derek had interrupted our private moment and I knew Jong Hwa was remembering the same thing. "Can you come outside for a second," he asked me.

    "Sure," I said and zipped up  my coat to help block the chilly air. It had started to warm up a little but not nearly enough to consider it actually 'warm'.

We went outside and walked about a block before Jong Hwa stopped and turned to me. "I got accepted into the college I wanted," he told me abruptly.

It took me a moment to let his words sink in before I realized the importance of them. "Jinjja? JINJJA?"

He smiled broadly and nodded. Unable to contain myself I pulled him into my arms and jumped up and down. "Oh my god, Jong Hwa that's great! Oh, I'm so proud of--"

Without warning Jong Hwa pulled me close and pressed his lips to mine and time stopped. My first kiss wasn't anything like what the Korean dramas I had seen depicted which made surprise kisses seem awkward. I was surprised to find it was one of the most natural things in the world. His lips were soft and gentle as they pressed against mine. It only took a couple of seconds before my eyes closed and I eased into the moment. He pulled away after a few more seconds and just looked at my face like he was evaluating my reaction. When I made no moves to push him away, he closed the distance again and this time I responded with less surprise and more feeling.

I clung to his jacket and pulled him as close as our jackets would allow. I turned my face slightly so the kiss could go a little deeper and we stayed like that for what felt like forever. There was no pressure to go further and certainly no burning need like I had read in some of my books but it was simple and natural and...a relief. A feeling of contentment had fallen over me and I didn't want to let it go.

When the moment did finally break, we both pulled away and just stared at each other. I think he had been just as surprised as I had been from the kiss. The look on his face clearly showed that he hadn't meant to take that step but it was also clear we were both happy he had. However, the kiss wasn't nearly as shocking as what he said next.

    "I love you," Jong Hwa said in a huff of breath. After he said it, he looked a little embarrassed, and he looked down and away from my eyes. The way his eyes kept darting back and forth on the ground I knew he was thinking about what he'd just said.

I felt a pain in my chest, I had hoped when someone had finally told me they loved me that it would be a for sure thing but Jong Hwa looked like he was debating whether or not he'd made a fatal mistake. I took a slow step back from him and tried not to show my inner pain. The heat that had just warmed my lips turned to ice and chilled me to the bone. If I could have disappeared in that moment, I would have.

    "Look, Jong Hwa," I swallowed to keep my voice from cracking. "I won't hold you to that. You were in the heat of the--"

    "No," Jong Hwa reached out and gripped my wrist. "I love you. I said it thoughtlessly but I do love you." He closed the distance between us and touched my cheek. I couldn't help turning my face into the palm of his hand. "I love you, Lily Smith."

I felt a hot tear splash down my face and I hastily wiped it away. I had thought I would feel over joyed in this moment but all I felt was fear and sadness. It was like a war was waging inside of me, I wanted Jong Hwa to love me because I loved him and had for so long but I was afraid that he'd leave me just like everyone else had. I knew that if--when, I corrected--when Jong Hwa left, it would kill me inside but it had all changed tonight, I thought. Now that he'd said it out loud, I knew when he left, it would kill me for real.

    "No, Jong Hwa," it took all my strength to pull away from the warm hand that was gently cupping my cheek. "I can't-we can't." I shook my head and stepped away from him.

    "Lily," Jong Hwa said my name hastily as his grip tightened on my wrist. "Why can't we--"

    "We just can't," I said fiercely and pulled my arm free. "I'm sorry," I said before turning away and jogging back to my dorm.

I tried not to be disappointed when he didn't follow me right away but I also didn't wait around in the front foyer to see if he would. I flew through the common room to get to my room as fast as I could.

I had just been told everything I'd ever wanted to hear from a guy and I couldn't even trust that what he was saying was true. I was so screwed up. Even if he had been telling me the truth about loving me, after my frantic retreat outside, it would be sure to scare him off or at the very least make him question whether he wanted to love a messed up girl like me.

Tears welled up in my eyes and I knew there was no hope of helping them tonight. Emily sat at her desk typing on her laptop with earbuds in her ears. She's spared me a glance when I'd come into the room but now she was fully engrossed in whatever she was doing at her desk to pay attention to me. I changed into my make-shift pajamas, compete with jacket, and crawled up to bed.

The kiss and the confession of love kept replaying over and over in my head and I feared that I might go crazy before the sun even rose in the sky the next morning. Concentrate on falling asleep, Lily, I told myself. I had a job to do in a couple of hours and I needed to worry about making a living and providing for my future. Brian's earlier words had struck a cord with me and I decided I would forget about tonight and work on building the future I wanted.

I was counting sheep in my head for the third time in an attempt to fall asleep when my phone beeped next to my head. I picked it up and saw I had received a message on Line. I bit my lip when I saw that it was from Jong Hwa and debated on whether to open it or not.

Now I'd really never get to sleep if I didn't read it, I hesitantly opened it up and read his words carefully:

I don't know exactly what happened tonight but I do know some things. I don't regret kissing you. It's probably one of the best moments of my life and I hope it was for you too. I don't know if I'm any good because I've never kissed a girl before.

It was, I thought as I put my phone back on the bed. It was for me too Jong Hwa. Thinking that was all he'd wanted to say, I was surprised when my phone went off again. The next message was longer:

I also know that I love you. I have been in love with you for a long time and I know I will continue to love you for a long time to come. I think I know why you're scared of that and I'm sorry that you felt the need to run away from me tonight. Watching you go, it was hard. Really hard.

I knew that couldn't be all he'd had to tell me so I waited as he sent his next text. Another minute later and my phone beeped once again:

 Please don't run away next time. Please talk to me. Think about what I said, hmm? Sleep well. Love you.

I knew that would be the last message from him so I put my phone away and curled into my pillow and cried. My fingers itched to pick my phone back up and tell him I loved him too. That I had loved him probably from the moment he convinced his mom to put me in his classroom but I didn't pick up my phone. Instead I convinced myself that his feelings had only sprouted from his concern for me after what had happened with my father. As time when on, he'd realize this and he'd be horrified by the things he said tonight.

I tossed and turned for the next four hours until my alarm went off again. Nevertheless I groggily got up and told myself that I didn't have school today which meant that once I was off from work, I could come back and sleep more. It was the only reason I was able to get myself out of bed that morning. The events of the previous night were a bit hazy as pure exhaustion clouded my mind and muddled my thoughts.

It's only for a few months, I told myself. It's only temporary...

***

Jong Hwa...

The last two hours with Lily was refreshing, to say the least. She seemed to be back to her old self and even made a new friend. Annabeth was nice and sweet and I was glad that her and Lily had connected with each other. Mae Ri even seemed to warm up to Annabeth once she got over her jealousy of not being able to stay by Lily's side all the time. I glanced around a few times to see the two boys that had been by Lily's side the last time we visited but they seemed to be keeping their distance tonight. However, I did catch them watching us a couple of times and it made me clench my fists whenever I saw that Derek guy watching Lily closely. It took all my strength to not reach over and take a hold of her hand.

When it was time to go, I asked Lily where the bathroom was in order to stall for a little more time. When I reached the bathroom, I pulled out my phone and sent Ji Soo a text message saying I wanted to tell Lily my news alone. I hoped they said their goodbyes before I left the bathroom, I thought. I was idly leaning against the counter of the six-stalled bathroom waiting when the door swung open again and Derek came through.

Of all the people to come to the bathroom in that exact moment, I hadn't wanted it to be this guy. I pushed off the counter and cleared my throat as I stuck my hands in my pockets.  I nodded my head and said, "It's all yours," before attempting to make my way towards the door he'd come through.

    "Wait," Derek said and held up a hand. "I just--I wanted to say something."

    "What," I said and tried to keep my annoyance out of my voice. Under normal circumstances I considered myself a rational person and I wasn't quick to emotion but this guy seemed to get under my skin. "I'm sorry, what do you need?" I asked in a somewhat more normal voice, I hoped.

    "I know you've got something going on with Lily and I respect that," he said first. "I just--this is weird." He sighed and chuckled as he ran a hand through his hair. "I'm sorry, I just wanted you to know that you don't have to worry about Lily while she's here. I won't, ah, I won't infringe," he stuck his hands in his pockets.

With nothing else to say really, I just nodded and said, "Thank you." I still couldn't bring myself to like the guy, or even be friendly with him only because I knew that he still liked her. Despite understanding that Lily was extremely likable, I still didn't like the idea that anyone else liked Lily besides me. I turned around to leave the bathroom, hoping that this little discussion had given the others enough time to say goodbye but he stopped me again.

    "Hey, just one more thing," he said and cleared his throat. "Does-does Lily not eat a lot?"

That was a weird question, I thought. Was this guy a pervert? Something on my face must have given away my inner thoughts because he jumped in quickly to explain his question.

    "It's just that, well, I don't actually see her eat a lot. She's only been to dinner twice since she got here, that was her first day and tonight and breakfast," he looked at the wall behind me as if thinking about something. "I've only actually seen her eat breakfast once."

I stopped to think about his question. We had eaten all the time when we were together, I remembered. We'd eat ramyeon or stuffed buns at the convenient store after school. Sometimes we'd splurge when we felt like it and got something a little more fancy at a pojangmacha* like tteokbokki* or fish cakes but from what I could recall, Lily liked to eat.

    "The only time I really see her eat is at lunch when we're at school and she eats her food so fast that she looks like she's starving every day when she comes to lunch," Derek tacked idly on after a moment.

Now that got my attention, "Lily eats fast at lunch?"

    "Yeah, like, really fast. Her food is gone within minutes," Derek nodded as if to confirm his own words.

That wasn't like Lily at all, she never ate quickly. She'd once told me that she felt self-conscious about her weight so she would eat slowly as if to appear like she wasn't 'stuffing her face', I think, had been her term. Even now, years later, Lily was always one of the last to finish her food regardless of what kind of food it was.

    "Thank you for telling me," I said slowly to Derek and brushed past him to exit the bathroom. Lily and the others were still where I'd left them and Ji Soo and Mae Ri hadn't said their goodbyes. I caught Ji Soo's gaze first and pointed to the pocket that had my phone sticking out. He got the hint and pulled out his own  and read my message. By the time I reached them, he nodded at no one in particular and put away his phone.

    "Well, shall we?" Ji Soo raised his hands as if to usher everyone towards the doors.

    "We have to wait for--Oh hey," Lily said to me when I came back. She must have seen the concern on my phone because she asked me if I was okay. I told her I was and we eventually made our way to the front foyer. The other two said their goodbyes and left immediately, Ji Soo must have told Mae Ri at some point that I wanted to be alone with Lily because she left without hesitation.

I hadn't known at the time how different the night would become just by asking Lily to come outside with me. I certainly hadn't expected to kiss her or tell her I loved her. But by far the biggest surprise of the night had been when she'd walked away from me without a second glance.

To Be Continued...

***

So, we've all heard of Konglish--it's English but with a Korean accent, well the following is Korea's version of Konglish, it's an English word that's made to sound and be spelled as if it is Korean.

*Kyuteu: "cute"

*Pojangmacha: Korean's have, what I refer to as New York-esque, street vendors that sell snack type foods.

*Tteokbokki: Snack that commonly served at Pojangmacha's. It's a rice noodle in sweet/spicy red-pepper paste. (It's very good!)