A Short Story: Secret Love

Secret Love

Two old friends get together for dinner after a long time apart. One of them is secretly in love with the other one.

A Stress-Induced Enlightened State

Reaching the point of stressed-induced enlightened state has been quite the experience. It's not only made me quite freer but it's almost made me understand more of myself. Or perhaps I've just started to spout so much bullshit to keep me going that it's begun to sound pretty darn good to my own ears.

Even My Dad Does Sometimes

I've been listening to Ed Sheeran's "Even My Dad Does Sometimes" almost every day. The song is sad and the picture the lyrics paint is a rather dismal picture but this song has become very importantly to me lately. It's exactly how I feel almost every day. Especially the line "Live life like you're giving up. 'Cause you act like you are." And I feel like that's how I've been acting lately.

Haha, I say 'lately' as if it's just been a week or two. More like five or six months. Such is life.

"It's alright to die, 'cause death is the only thing you haven't tried" is another line that brings me comfort because it's true. Granted, I haven't tried everything I'd like to but death truly is the ultimate challenge and we only get to experience it once. That's why the phrase "Go out like a bang" was created, wasn't it? "Go ahead and just live it up" is another lyric that makes the earlier phrases even more legitimate. You only die once so live it up, do it with style. Death should mean something, any time a person dies, it should mean something. Whether it makes people mourn, cry or feel vindicated, a death should mean something. It's only cruel if they die for no reason. If no one cares about a death, that's truly sad. There are more and more deaths happening that people just don't care about. Is it because we've become to de-sensitized? Maybe...but is everyone de-sensitized? No. At least I'm not...I can say that with 100% percent accuracy.

Today I put my renaissance outfit on for the first time since last October. It was comforting. I imagine a day will come and I'll put my wedding dress on. It would be too sad to put a wedding dress on only once in a person's lifetime. It's been two years--nearly at least--since I've been married and I've warn it a total of..3 times since then...I think... I've mastered zipping it up from behind and everything! It truly was a beautiful dress. Most women think their wedding dresses are beautiful but most think back and go "Oh, I should have went with this type" or wish they'd had a special feature. I guess I'm not completely immune to this sentiment. I wish my dress had a corset tie in the back but alas, the rest of the dress was so perfect that I was perfectly okay with a zipper. And God, I looked beautiful in it. I know that makes me sound conceited but I don't care. I looked so goddamn good in my dress it was amazing. I've never felt so beautiful in my life. I hope and pray ever woman who gets married feels the exact same way I do about my wedding day. Supreme happiness. I was marrying the man I love, I looked beautiful and I felt like a planet for once--in the sense that everyone was there and their focus was all about me--and my husband of course but... What I'm trying to say is I've never felt that before in my entire life. I absolutely cherish that memory for so many reasons...it'd be too hard to count them.

I know I sound like a shallow piece of shit but I don't feel like one.

I listened to the Cavalia soundtrack--I almost said OST, tee hee--today for the first time in a long time and felt like editing my manuscript. Recently my manuscript, or the idea of losing my manuscript, had me in tears with a full blown panic attack. It's made me realize how much that manuscript meant to me. Each word on the 200+ pages is precious to me. Of course that reminded me of the story I've been telling on this very blog--Nae Chingu--and I've felt ashamed for abandoning my characters. Ji Soo most especially, every once in awhile he starts shouting in my head that he's got a confession to make and it's been boiling up inside of him but he needs me to get them out. I suspect the confession, when it does take place, will be rather...boisterous. *shakes head* Poor Ji Soo...but mostly especially poor Mae Ri...she won't even know how to handle it. Thankfully she's got a newly healed Lilliana to help her process it. And of course there are her parents, Lilliana's I mean. Her parents are coming and don't even get me started on how Jong Hwa is going to make Lilliana pay him back. Oh Lilliana...you don't even know.

How did this blog start out by me talking about death and end up with the friends in my head? Haha, life is strange sometimes.

Annyeong Yeoreobun! Saranghae. Totally informal, but what are you gonna do? *shakes head*

Avoiding The Bullsh*t

I was recently accused of maintaining friendships that are way beyond their expiration date--I find this to be completely untrue. (There will be another blog on this concept later) However, I have managed to maintain a few friendships that, in-eloquently put, are pretty awesome. One of them happens to be with an old high school teacher of mine; every once in a blue moon we send each other emails with updates on the course of our lives since graduation (some years ago, *sigh* I'm getting old) and I thoroughly enjoy this process. However, one our most recent email exchanges had a very strange twist; as he told me about a situation his youngest child found herself in, he said "...you seemed to have avoided all that bullshit in high school, if memory serves." Well, his memory didn't serve because I did not, in fact, avoid "all that bullshit". I was roped into the drama of my teens as much as anyone else, if not more so. I often tell people that my high school years were probably, by far, the worse years of my life--maybe only because at the time I hadn't acquired the knowledge I have today to make my life better.

Nonetheless, his words have swirled around my head for the past two months and I finally decided I would get my thoughts down and maybe they will help someone else.  I could probably write a book on how much my high school experience was absolutely the worst four years but I won't. Instead, I will simply say I have scars, both physical and mental, that will follow me the rest of my life and leave it at that. Let your imagination draw what it will...

I would look at people around me, people that were smarter, prettier, and infinitely better equipped than either myself or my friends were and be jealous. Friendships were being made and broken daily in my circle of rejects and going to school every morning was always a challenge because I didn't know what I would be walking into. It wasn't all bad; I don't want to leave the impression that I have no happy memories from those four years, I have plenty, but it was a challenge--one that I caved too more times than I'd ever willingly admit to. 

However, seven years later, I am able to objectively look back and realize the mistakes I'd made and, of course, would change if that were possible. I have a few pieces of advice that I'd like to pass on to anyone who is maybe experiencing the same things as I had.

I've learned that although it may not look like it, all high school students experience the same things in high school. They experience loss, they experience pain, they experience anger, jealousy, hatred but they also experience happiness, love, and friendship. These experiences are almost, if not more so, important as what the teachers are trying to drill into your head such as math, English, economics, etc. Everyone, at one point or another, will experience these emotions so the phrase "You are not alone" is not simply something people tell suicidal teenagers; it is a statement of fact. You. Are. Not. Alone in your pain. It's how we cope with it that makes us different. Some wear it on their shoulder like a badge of honor--others bury it deep until it morphs our view on the world and makes it harder to bear. 

How can you avoid the bullshit? It's way easier said than done, that's for sure. Even now, I find myself occasionally getting roped into the BS and it's hard to extract yourself from the tangled webbing once it starts closing in on you. However, if you remember the following phrase, you'll be halfway there. Ready? Here it is...Never underestimate the power of "No". Seems too simple, right? It's really not... It's not easy, it's the hardest thing you'll learn in your life. "No, I am not doing this" is a scary thing to say to your friend. It's a scary thing to say to your parent! I know this because I've had to say it in both instances. 

Choosing not to get roped into the BS is as simple as saying "No, I'm not going to get roped in" and walking away. We fear losing our friends because life would be harder to bear without people by our side to help us stay upright. It was this very fear that kept me from realizing how dangerous my willingness to keep these friendships had become. I would say "Yes" even though my mind would scream "No"--and I'm not talking about anything sexual, I'm simply saying that my friends wanted to and did things that I felt were unacceptable. I followed their footsteps because I felt I had no other choice. It was either follow them or lose them.

In high school, I felt like my friends were the only sane thing in my life; losing friends nearly crushed me which is why I went out of my way to maintain my tenuous friendships. We hear adults say "If they were truly your friend, they would understand" and much like the bratty, little snots we are(...or were, in my case 0.o) we ignored their advice and said "They don't understand" but there is one thing to remember: friends are only as important if they feel the same way you do. Our parents, much to my dismay, were 100% right.  

As an example, I have a friend (I shall use her nickname), Firnlambe. We met only a few years ago but even now it seems that if I lost her as a friend, I would be broken. Luckily for me, she feels the same way. We've agreed, however, that we have no idea how or why we are friends. Her views on love, life and religion, are completely different than mine! But we make it work because we are choosing to be friends. We're not friends simply because we fear losing each other. We don't always get along. Sometimes she's annoyed with me and vice versa however, there is strength behind our friendship because I choose to be her friend and she chooses to be mine. Friendship is not something that just happens--or at least, not very often--a friendship, much like a relationship, must be maintained with conscious care and love just like any other relationship you'll ever have in your life. 

As far as avoiding the bullshit, it all comes down to the same concept. Nothing ever just happens to someone--we always have a choice. We are our own beings, our own consciousness and we don't owe a damn thing to anyone else but ourselves. Cheating yourself out of something you want does nothing but a disservice to you. Man, had I known that, I would have, hands down, been one of the most awesome people in my high school! I would look at other people and think "I wish I was like them..." and now, that very phrase makes my skin crawl. 

I used to hate myself, I didn't like anything about myself but I assumed that was just how I was built, how God had made me and I couldn't change it except..."who you are" is a concept that is molded by our own hands. I would blame my parents or my situation for the terrible things happening to me except I needed to look no further than the mirror to realize who was really to blame. This all comes back to what I said before--everyone experiences the same happiness and sadness in high school, how we deal with it is what separates us. Instead of wishing you could be someone else, make yourself into someone you like--or, if it sounds better--make yourself into someone to be jealous of. Make yourself into someone even you would look at and say "Man, I wish I was like that!" 

You will, inevitably, lose friends somewhere along the way. It is not something to be feared but something everyone learns to embrace. Some are more difficult than others, I'll admit. The idea of losing a friend, most especially in high school, is terrifying. Someone once told me that I will get more and better friends after high school and I believe I responded with "I don't want those friends, I want these friends" and let me tell you...I most definitely did not want these friends. I feared that future friends wouldn't be as great as the friends I had then but now, I can freely admit, I have great friends now. New friends will come along, the really great friends will take time but they will come. Nothing is free and if it is, it should be questioned (which is actually a really great rule of thumb, FYI) and this includes friendship. Great friendships must be earned and, more often than not, the price is time. So sit tight, kiddies, because great friends are on their way to you even as you read this.

If who you become is not someone your friends want to be friends with, then that is their sincere loss because you are awesome. If that means you dye your hair blue and wear funky knee-high socks that in no way match your outfit, then so be it. You'll be exactly like...well...me! My sister dresses like she head dives into a pile of clothing each morning and grabs the first things her hands touch--I'm talking different colored socks, tie-dyed leggings, a tutu and more often than not, she has hair ties that are--quite literally--bought directly from the kid's section at Target. Even me, with blue hair, had a moment of pause whenever I walked around with her in public but you know what...if she's comfortable in whatever she's wearing on any particular day, then why do I care? Not gonna lie, however, some of our outfits are a bit much for even our parents to swallow and yet they proudly walk beside us no matter who happens to be staring.

Of course, if you prefer button down shirts with jeans, then that's just as perfectly fine--if what sets you apart is your unwillingness to conform to what is expected of you, then you are just as "far out there" as I am with the blue hair. My point is, enjoy who you are, don't think of yourself as someone you have to be because if you do...you will be miserable for the rest of your life and that is unfair. Unfair to your parents who made you, unfair to your friends but more important unfair to the person you could be. 

My sincerest hope is that someone who is unhappy in their life will read this and realize their potential and come full circle into themselves. I hope that my words can touch at least one person because then I will feel like my hardships in high school will have been worth it, if for no other reason then to share my experience and knowledge and use it to make someone else's life better. 

Happy New Year!

Well, it's the start of a new year and (in Minnesota) we're off to a frigid start! Governor Dayton declared that all schools in Minnesota will be shut down due to the extremely cold weather (-20+ degrees)!

I am determined to believe this year will be better than last year because...well, last year was a tough year. I hear that most often from people, it sounds like 2013 wasn't a good year for a lot of people including my husband and I. I could have definitely asked for a better first year of marriage but considering everything that happened this year, I guess it put our marriage to the test and I am happy to say that we must have done something right when we said "I Do" because we're still holding strong.

My husband and I suffered some severe financial losses at the beginning of the year that left us...well, at a severe loss for the rest of 2013. They say that nothing ruins a relationship faster than finances and with our previous history, my husband and I can both attest to that! Quite often we squabbled and downright battled over the littlest of things and it got pretty interesting in our household some days. You know the saying that "When it rains, it pours"? It seemed like every time we had a chance to get ahead, we just never could.

I also lost one of my godparents this year which came not only as a complete shock to both our families but also brought a lot of sadness. I try not to have any regrets in my life because it stops a person from enjoying all that life has to offer but I sincerely wish I would have been able to see him again before he departed this world. Although technically I'd met him as a baby, I'd really only seen him once when I was 15 and spent a few days at his house in California. Although we managed to talk about once every three months--he was either busy or I was--but when we did talk, we spoke worlds to each other and managed to send lots of love to each other in those small conversations. Personally, I know I never left the conversation wondering if he loved me because it was in the words he spoke and in the way he spoke them that told me that he was just as honored to be in my life as I was to be in his. I can only hope and believe that he knew how much I loved him in return. Although he wasn't able to be at my wedding, my father managed to get him a set of photos from my wedding which he received mere weeks before his passing which only goes to prove that...don't wait. If there is anything that can be done right in this moment, do it because there might not be a next time. People say that stuff all the time and no one really listens or understands until it's too late and they have to live with that regret. I spoke with him a few days before he died and I remember him telling me that he didn't know where I'd gotten my dress but damn I looked. I smiled at the time and even now, I have a smile on my face because I can hear the intonation in his voice as he said it and that's a memory I'll cherish forever.

The month of September was by far the worst part of 2013. You would think the month of my one-year wedding anniversary would be a cause for celebration but alas, 2013 threw us a curveball and I got really sick. Like "go-to-the-hospital-something-isn't-right-in-your-head" sick. Which came as a blessing and a curse at the same time. A blessing because despite everything we'd suffered through this year prior to September, things had become pretty desolate between my husband and I but as soon as I got sick he was by my side without hesitation and stuck by me the whole time. It solidified our marriage in a way I'm not sure anything else could have. We both had the sudden realization that I could die and it terrified us both. It began as nothing more than neck pain, a stiff neck--I assumed. But it never went away, it just continued to get worse and worse until I literally went through a brand new bottle of Advil in three days. What started off as calling into work for one day turned into a week and then nearly two weeks. During this time I was misdiagnosed twice before my eyesight started to fade. In a matter of two or three days I had gone from 20-20 vision (w/glasses) to being nearly blind. After seeing an optometrist who sent me to an ophthalmologist, I was ordered--not even advised, I was told "don't go to sleep, go to the hospital"--which is terrifying no matter how you look at it. I got an MRI which confirmed a few things--I did not have a tumor but I had IIH (Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension) which basically means my cerebral spinal fluid was not being processed correctly and began to build to such an amount in my head that the pressure was not only pushing my brainstem into my spinal column (causing the neck pain) but had began to leak into the back of my eyes which caused my detached retinas and subsequent blindness. To make a long story short, I received two lumbar punctures to remove 48 mL of cerebral spinal fluid from my head and was laid up for nearly a week before I could comfortably move around on my own and without help. It took another two months before the verdict would come out on if I'd get my eyesight back and three months later...well...they're not perfect (75% recovered in my left eye, 90% in my right eye) I can see again. Driving at night is a little difficult as well as driving on a bright, sunny day but I can still read--which is the equivalent to my life as I know it--and I'm counting my blessings everyday I wake up and can see the world.

However, as crappy as 2013 was, it did bring a few good things. Although I am still child-barren much to my utter dismay, I do have a child. Well--two technically--my son feels more like mine since we acquired him at eight weeks old rather than 10 years old like we did my daughter. His name is Dobby Vincent Valentine--yes, it's extremely long but...well..lemme back up. I begged my husband to let me have him, first of all. You see, we've been trying to have children for the last three years with (obviously) no luck and the more and more I was childless the harder and harder it became to be around our families/friends who are spitting out children like they're candy! We're talking hospital visits, birthdays, pictures on Facebook, and no matter how much I tried to be happy for everyone and their wonderful little blessings, it brought nothing but despair and pain to me. So, when my friend brought home her little furry bundle of joy, I got an idea! I begged my husband and he finally conceded to my wish and that's how I got Dobby.

He loves to fall asleep with people, if I'm not available, he'll suffice with Daddy

 It was agreed upon that he'd be mine to name and take care of as he'd be my pseudo-son to help me cope with not having a baby. I wanted to name him Vincent Valentine after the infamous Final Fantasy VII character but my mother hated the idea! My husband would have gone along with it if I'd really pushed but he said "Why don't we name him Dobby?" and I took one look at him and thought..."Yup...that's his name." But, stubborn mule that I am, I said his name was Dobby Vincent Valentine. So when he's in trouble, I am not above shouting "Dobby Vincent Valentine!" Which, I do quite often because he's a little shite that likes to test Mommy's patience. However, when he's tired and wants to sleep, he's not above cuddling up next to me--no matter what I might be doing at that very moment--and tells me it's sleepy time. It's growing up much faster than I'd prefer--even at only seven months, he's ridiculously tall and I can't imagine how he'll look when  he's 1 year!

In the midst of working on my Korean, Dobby decided it was bedtime for us both

Although, it didn't take very long for Dobby to declare himself master of the household...

Fell asleep waiting for Mommy
to be done with work

Along with Dobby came a lot of new experiences--some of which were good. I've finally learned how to Knit! I know it doesn't sound all that exciting but remember how I said "Don't put things off that can be accomplished now?" Well, I finally learned with the help of a very dear friend. I'm also learning Korean, sounds weird that out of all the languages I could chose to learn, it'd be Korean but I've always liked to be different so Korean it is! Of course, it's all entirely the fault of the same friend who taught me to knit, but that's neither here nor there because if it wasn't for her, I would never discovered the awesomeness and beauty that is the Korean culture. She's changed my whole world around and I can't find a reason to not thank her for it.

Although, I won't say this year was a life changing year--in some ways, yes, in some ways no--but I've learned a lot about myself this year and for that, I guess I can say goodbye to 2013 with some dignity and grace, if not the "good riddance" I'd prefer to send it off with. I'm looking forward to 2014 and I have faith that this year...will be better than the last. I hope it is for everyone else as well....

I hope this song bring as much inspiration to you as it does to me when I'm feeling like I just can't take it anymore...