Well, it's the start of a new year and (in Minnesota) we're off to a frigid start! Governor Dayton declared that all schools in Minnesota will be shut down due to the extremely cold weather (-20+ degrees)!
I am determined to believe this year will be better than last year because...well, last year was a tough year. I hear that most often from people, it sounds like 2013 wasn't a good year for a lot of people including my husband and I. I could have definitely asked for a better first year of marriage but considering everything that happened this year, I guess it put our marriage to the test and I am happy to say that we must have done something right when we said "I Do" because we're still holding strong.
My husband and I suffered some severe financial losses at the beginning of the year that left us...well, at a severe loss for the rest of 2013. They say that nothing ruins a relationship faster than finances and with our previous history, my husband and I can both attest to that! Quite often we squabbled and downright battled over the littlest of things and it got pretty interesting in our household some days. You know the saying that "When it rains, it pours"? It seemed like every time we had a chance to get ahead, we just never could.
I also lost one of my godparents this year which came not only as a complete shock to both our families but also brought a lot of sadness. I try not to have any regrets in my life because it stops a person from enjoying all that life has to offer but I sincerely wish I would have been able to see him again before he departed this world. Although technically I'd met him as a baby, I'd really only seen him once when I was 15 and spent a few days at his house in California. Although we managed to talk about once every three months--he was either busy or I was--but when we did talk, we spoke worlds to each other and managed to send lots of love to each other in those small conversations. Personally, I know I never left the conversation wondering if he loved me because it was in the words he spoke and in the way he spoke them that told me that he was just as honored to be in my life as I was to be in his. I can only hope and believe that he knew how much I loved him in return. Although he wasn't able to be at my wedding, my father managed to get him a set of photos from my wedding which he received mere weeks before his passing which only goes to prove that...don't wait. If there is anything that can be done right in this moment, do it because there might not be a next time. People say that stuff all the time and no one really listens or understands until it's too late and they have to live with that regret. I spoke with him a few days before he died and I remember him telling me that he didn't know where I'd gotten my dress but damn I looked. I smiled at the time and even now, I have a smile on my face because I can hear the intonation in his voice as he said it and that's a memory I'll cherish forever.
The month of September was by far the worst part of 2013. You would think the month of my one-year wedding anniversary would be a cause for celebration but alas, 2013 threw us a curveball and I got really sick. Like "go-to-the-hospital-something-isn't-right-in-your-head" sick. Which came as a blessing and a curse at the same time. A blessing because despite everything we'd suffered through this year prior to September, things had become pretty desolate between my husband and I but as soon as I got sick he was by my side without hesitation and stuck by me the whole time. It solidified our marriage in a way I'm not sure anything else could have. We both had the sudden realization that I could die and it terrified us both. It began as nothing more than neck pain, a stiff neck--I assumed. But it never went away, it just continued to get worse and worse until I literally went through a brand new bottle of Advil in three days. What started off as calling into work for one day turned into a week and then nearly two weeks. During this time I was misdiagnosed twice before my eyesight started to fade. In a matter of two or three days I had gone from 20-20 vision (w/glasses) to being nearly blind. After seeing an optometrist who sent me to an ophthalmologist, I was ordered--not even advised, I was told "don't go to sleep, go to the hospital"--which is terrifying no matter how you look at it. I got an MRI which confirmed a few things--I did not have a tumor but I had IIH (Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension) which basically means my cerebral spinal fluid was not being processed correctly and began to build to such an amount in my head that the pressure was not only pushing my brainstem into my spinal column (causing the neck pain) but had began to leak into the back of my eyes which caused my detached retinas and subsequent blindness. To make a long story short, I received two lumbar punctures to remove 48 mL of cerebral spinal fluid from my head and was laid up for nearly a week before I could comfortably move around on my own and without help. It took another two months before the verdict would come out on if I'd get my eyesight back and three months later...well...they're not perfect (75% recovered in my left eye, 90% in my right eye) I can see again. Driving at night is a little difficult as well as driving on a bright, sunny day but I can still read--which is the equivalent to my life as I know it--and I'm counting my blessings everyday I wake up and can see the world.
However, as crappy as 2013 was, it did bring a few good things. Although I am still child-barren much to my utter dismay, I do have a child. Well--two technically--my son feels more like mine since we acquired him at eight weeks old rather than 10 years old like we did my daughter. His name is Dobby Vincent Valentine--yes, it's extremely long but...well..lemme back up. I begged my husband to let me have him, first of all. You see, we've been trying to have children for the last three years with (obviously) no luck and the more and more I was childless the harder and harder it became to be around our families/friends who are spitting out children like they're candy! We're talking hospital visits, birthdays, pictures on Facebook, and no matter how much I tried to be happy for everyone and their wonderful little blessings, it brought nothing but despair and pain to me. So, when my friend brought home her little furry bundle of joy, I got an idea! I begged my husband and he finally conceded to my wish and that's how I got Dobby.
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| He loves to fall asleep with people, if I'm not available, he'll suffice with Daddy |
It was agreed upon that he'd be mine to name and take care of as he'd be my pseudo-son to help me cope with not having a baby. I wanted to name him Vincent Valentine after the infamous Final Fantasy VII character but my mother hated the idea! My husband would have gone along with it if I'd really pushed but he said "Why don't we name him Dobby?" and I took one look at him and thought..."Yup...that's his name." But, stubborn mule that I am, I said his name was Dobby Vincent Valentine. So when he's in trouble, I am not above shouting "Dobby Vincent Valentine!" Which, I do quite often because he's a little shite that likes to test Mommy's patience. However, when he's tired and wants to sleep, he's not above cuddling up next to me--no matter what I might be doing at that very moment--and tells me it's sleepy time. It's growing up much faster than I'd prefer--even at only seven months, he's ridiculously tall and I can't imagine how he'll look when he's 1 year!
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| In the midst of working on my Korean, Dobby decided it was bedtime for us both |
Although, it didn't take very long for Dobby to declare himself master of the household...
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| Fell asleep waiting for Mommy to be done with work |
Although, I won't say this year was a life changing year--in some ways, yes, in some ways no--but I've learned a lot about myself this year and for that, I guess I can say goodbye to 2013 with some dignity and grace, if not the "good riddance" I'd prefer to send it off with. I'm looking forward to 2014 and I have faith that this year...will be better than the last. I hope it is for everyone else as well....
I hope this song bring as much inspiration to you as it does to me when I'm feeling like I just can't take it anymore...
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