Nae Chingu (My Friends) Chapter Eight

Nae Chingu (My Friends)

Chapter Eight

I left Chan Min's office in a daze. I was equal parts happy and equal parts sad; happy because being accepted into the program meant I would be able to stay in Korea but also sad because I was expected to leave SFLHS by week's end which was two days from now. Chan Min had drawn up the transfer papers and I just needed to turn them into the SFLHS administration office tomorrow. Monday would be my first official day at Gyoyug Gudeunghaggyo a/k.a. Education High School. I had to give mild props to the founder of the school--at least he was straight-to-the-point when he named the school. I sighed as I walked out the front door and to the bus stop. I half expected my friends to be sitting in the lobby when I walked out but I was glad they weren't. I still needed time to come to terms with the news myself and I kind of felt like my dad was owed the news first. I wasn't excited about that conversation and I wondered how I was going to go about even broaching the subject with him. The bus ride was short but it gave me enough time to come up with a plan. I would make a nice dinner for my dad first, it would probably be my last cordial dinner with him before I moved out and he moved back to America. As much as my dad liked to make my life hard and I had more than my fair share of resentments towards him, I couldn't help but get a little choked up at the thought of leaving his side for the first time in eighteen years. I was a little terrified actually. I had no doubt that I could live in Seoul by myself but this would be the first time I would actually be by myself.

I stopped at the market by my apartment so I could pick up the supplies for my dad's favorite dinner. He wasn't home by the time I got home, which wasn't unusual and it gave me time to store up my reserves for what was going to most likely be the most difficult discussion of my life.

Cooking always seemed to calm my nerves so by the time he got home, I was feeling like maybe tonight wouldn't end as badly as I thought. That was until my father came home and the first words out of his mouth were "I can't wait to be gone from this place," he groaned as he took off his shoes which were caked with snow.

    "It's snowing," I asked trying to divert his attitude into something more pleasant. I hadn't known it was suppose to snow.

    "Started about an hour ago," he grumbled. "They never know how to plow snow," he said as he walked past me to the table where he slung his jacket onto one of the chairs. "Hmm, smells good, what're you cooking?"

    "Your favorite," I attempted to sound excited, thinking maybe this would help improve his mood.

    "Yum," he said and chucked me lightly on the head. I had to swallow tears at the gesture, it would be a long while before I felt that again so I cherished it now.

    "Go wash up, it'll be done in about ten more minutes," I said. My phone beeped in my pocket and I pulled it out and looked at the screen.

I haven't heard from you. It's bad, isn't it? Are you ok?

In my attempt to keep the peace with my dad, I had neglected to tell my friends the results of my meeting. I was about to send a quick reply to Mae Ri before I remembered I'd promised Jong Hwa that he'd be the first to know. Instead of telling her about my acceptance I told her I'd text her later and that I was fine. My phone beeped again a few minutes later but I ignored  it because my father was back in the kitchen and it was time to eat.

    "Looks good, sweetie," he said and began digging in.

We mostly ate in silence while I waited for the perfect time to drop the news on him but he broke the silence first halfway through his second helping. "How you coming along with your packing? Saturday will be here before you know it."

    "About that, I had something I wanted to tell you," I put my fork down and took a deep breath.

    "Uh-oh, don't tell me you haven't started, young lady," he said sternly. Well, this was off to a great start, I thought sarcastically.

    "It's not that," I said and looked into my father's eyes. I would be direct and not waiver, I told myself. "I won't be going with you back to America." My statement was followed by utter silence so I continued on. "What I mean is, I found a program that will cover my expenses so I can finish high school here," I said. "In Korea," I clarified when he still hadn't said anything.

There was more silence and I could feel my heart pick up pace and my hands started to sweat. My father was utterly calm as he put down his fork and wiped his mouth with his napkin. I think I would have handled him being angry better than this silence, it was unnerving.

    "The program set me up with a room in a dorm and when I graduate, if my grades are good enough, I'll get a scholarship to attend a coll--"

     "Stop talking right now," my father's voice was low but I knew that tone. He was furious, my stomach shrank two sizes and my dinner suddenly made me feel sick.

    "Yes, Sir," I said quietly and looked into my lap. I listened as he took a few calming breaths but the silence lasted a couple of minutes.

    "You are coming back to America with me where you will finish high school and attend college. I don't know what you've been doing behind my back with your little friends but you will be returning with me which is where you belong," he said all this calmly and stood up as if to dismiss himself from the table and if I didn't say anything now, I'd have lost the argument.

    "No, I won't." I said quietly.

    "Excuse me," he whipped around and said at a dangerously low level. At any moment he was going to explode and all I could do was hold on tight for the ride.

    "I've taken care of everything so you won't need to worry about me after you're gone," Ok, so that was a bit of a lie but I didn't want to give him the impression that this was simply an act of rebellion, which I knew was how he'd take it. I stood up and faced him with as much confidence as I could muster considering the circumstances. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you before but I thought if--"

    "You are coming with me and that is absolutely final," he shouted at me and took a step towards me and I had to fight the urge to shudder away in fear.

    "I am eighteen years old and I've decided--"

    "You haven't decided anything! You are not allowed to decide anything while you are still living under my roof," he shouted and pushed the chair he had vacated into the table making all the dishes clatter and his water glass to tip over. I grabbed the towel on the counter quickly to clean up the mess but he grabbed it out of my hands and threw it on the table in anger. "Leave it!"

I backed away thinking more space between my father and I would be best but I stayed steady in my decision. "My move-in date is this weekend but I can't take everything--"

    "You aren't moving anywhere but back to America," he shouted even more loudly than before.

    "--so some stuff you'll have to take back with you or store away--"

    "Lily, you aren't listening," my father jabbed his finger into my face. "You aren't staying in Korea!"

    "No, Dad!" I finally lost my calm and shouted right back at him. "You aren't listening!"

He slapped me. The resounding smack and subsequent stinging sensation that resonated on the left side of my face had my eyes instantly becoming watery. My father was looking at his hand in disbelief like he couldn't quite believe himself that he'd hit me. I slowly raised my left hand to my face but quickly jerked it away because my touch only made it sting more. Without waiting for his next words, I whirled around to head towards my bedroom but as I passed by the entry way, I thought better of it and quickly grabbed my shoes and was out the door as my father started to call my name.

By the time I reached the bottom of the staircase, my phone had started to ring. I knew it was my father and I didn't even bother pulling it out of my pocket. I was on auto-pilot as I pulled my shoes on in the lobby of my apartment building and walked out the door. The bitterly cold February night air felt good against my face even as the rest of my body registered the frigid air. I wandered for only a few blocks before deciding I needed shelter. I would have taken my jacket if that hadn't required I open the closet door and take it off the hanger all of which would have given my father time to stop me. I wanted to wallow in self-pity but I decided I'd had enough of that a couple of weeks ago and didn't need to repeat that behavior any time soon. I made my way to the convenient store and sat down at the usual table. I wondered if my father would find me here but after thinking about it, my father would never have guessed I went here. He barely asked me about my life in Korea so he'd have no idea that this was a common hangout spot for my friends and I.

Speaking of my friends, I remembered that I'd never gotten back to Mae Ri and because I didn't think I'd be going back to my apartment tonight, I'd need a place to stay. It was getting late and if I didn't talk to her now, I would probably spend the night at a spa and those were always uncomfortable for me because it went against everything my western upbringing taught me. I pulled out my phone, which had become silent a few minutes ago and bypassed the six missed calls from my father and went straight to my text messages.

I'd only been gone five minutes but my father had somehow managed to text me eight times telling me to come home right this instant. Yeah, right, I thought. I read the text from Mae Ri wherein she said I should call her as soon as possible. Well, I guessed I would be calling her sooner than we both expected.

I knew almost instantaneously that I was in trouble when her phone went right to voicemail. "No, no, no, not tonight!" I hung up and tried again. When it went to voicemail the second and third time I knew her father had confiscated her phone again. "Aish, jinjja!" I grumbled loudly and got a look from a nearby customer. This time tears did start to well up but not from sadness, more from frustration.

    "Eotteoke*," I looked at my phone as if it'd give me an answer. "Eotteoke," I squeezed my eyes shut so the tears wouldn't fall. Mae Ri wasn't my only friend, I could just as easily call Jong Hwa or Ji Soo. In fact, it was probably more practical to call them because they would't feel compelled to go after my father. Despite being in the store, I was getting more and more chilled by the minute due to the door constantly opening. My fingers were beginning to go numb which made dialing Jong Hwa's number a little difficult.

His phone was on, thankfully, and he picked up on the second ring. "Good new or bad news," he asked and it immediately confused me.

    "What?" I asked and double checked to make sure I had, in fact, called Jong Hwa.

    "Your conversation with the Director, was it good or bad?" He asked but sounded hesitant to hear the answer.

    "Oh, ah, well I have good news and bad news about that but first I have a problem," I said between chattering teeth and sniffles as my nose started to run from the cold.

    "What's wrong," he was instantly alert.

    "The talk didn't go so well with my father and I'm--" I had the grace to be a little embarrassed, why did Mae Ri have such an overbearing father? As if I had the right to complain at the moment, I thought to myself, and instantly regretted complaining about Mr. Kim. "I had to leave the house and I don't--I need a place to stay tonight and Mae Ri isn't picking up her phone."

    "Where are you?" He asked and I could hear things moving in the background.

    "At the convenient store but listen, I'll come to you so don't--"

    "I'm coming to you, just stay put," I heard a door shut on his end. "I"ll be there soon," He said and hung up. Actually, it was probably a good thing he was coming to me because if I went to him, I'd have to walk because I didn't have my bus pass or money for a taxi although I'm sure his mother would have had no problem covering me for the fare considering the circumstances but I would never impose on his family in such a way.

He got there faster than I would have expected. He came bursting through the door as if a horde of zombies were following him. I stood up and attempted to smile to ease the awkwardness of the situation but it didn't work. He walked over and seemed to take in my appearance. "Where's your jacket?"

    "Everything kind of happened so fast that I forgot to grab it before I left," I said sheepishly and tried my best to not appear frigidly cold despite the fact that I was.

    "What happened," he asked as he unzipped his jacket and swung it around my shoulders, holding it closed with his hands. The warmth of the jacket instantly had my skin breaking out in goosebumps but if I was being honest with myself, it wasn't simply the jacket that made me get goosebumps.

I looked up at him to say thank you but the words got stuck in my throat when I realize how close he was to me but all the words died in my throat when his eyes widened.

    "Jong Hwa--"

    "What happened to your face?" He asked forcibly. He unexpectedly grabbed my chin and turned my head and I realized he was looking at the cheek my dad slapped. It must have left a mark, that's--that's awesome, I thought and sighed inwardly.

    "It's nothing, really," I shrugged and tried to pull away but he was still holding onto the jacket too tightly.

    "Lily, tell me," he asked a little more persistently.

    "My dad got a little angry and--"

    "Did he hit you," he asked severely and with anger in his voice this time.

After being backed into a corner with my dad and now being encased in a jacket that I couldn't get out of, I felt the familiar beginning of a panic attack starting. Everything had gotten so out of control and dad hadn't listened to me and now Jong Hwa was demanding answers for questions I didn't know how to answer and--

    "Jo-Jong Hwa," I stuttered. I didn't know what I was going to say but I could already feel my breath shortening uncomfortably which only made me panic more.

    "Lily, did he hit you," he asked again just as sternly and I couldn't take it any more.

I pushed his arms away and let the jacket fall from my shoulders and I felt a little better but nothing was stopping this panic attack, not even remembering that it was Jong Hwa in front of me would stop it.

    "Jong Hwa, I-I-"

    "Answer my--"

    "Would people stop cutting me off!" I shouted in English. My outburst earned us dark looks from the clerk and curious glances from the few customers. "I mean seriously, I can't get one word out before someone cuts me off or hits me me, I feel trapped!" Even to my own ears I sounded hysterical. "I'm trapped. I can't--I can't--" For the first time in two years I was having a panic attack and I couldn't stop it. I kept meaning to say I couldn't breath but I ran out of breath before I could finish the sentence.

    "Ok, Ok," Jong Hwa, ever calm as was his nature, he pushed me into a chair and pulled out his phone.

My gasps were becoming more infrequent as my oxygen intake became less and less. I felt like there was something lodged in my chest and despite knowing  what was happening, I couldn't make it go away. I kept telling myself to breath but it was like my body wouldn't listen. I was very aware of the people staring at me now which only made me feel more panicky. I was vaguely aware of Jong Hwa speaking to someone on the phone but I didn't know who or why so I just focused on breathing.

Before I knew what happened, Jong Hwa pushed the back of my head down and I was suddenly sitting at a 90-degree angle with my head resting on my knees. it was highly uncomfortable and compressed my chest even more. I stopped gasping for air and struggled against the hand that was holding me down.

    "Stop fighting, Lily," Jong Hwa's voice was soothing and echoed inside my head as his other hand rubbed smalls circles between my shoulders. The calming affect of his voice and the rubbing along with the compression made quick work of calming me down and soon I was able to think and breathe clearly.

I waited until I was completely back to myself before talking. "I think I'd like to get up now," I said quietly to my knees.

    "You sure," he asked and stopped rubbing my back.

    "Well, that depends," I looked quickly to my left and right but my view was obscured by my long hair. "Are there people staring," I asked.

Jong Hwa let out an unexpected bark of laughter, "No, just the clerk. She cleared the store a minute ago."

    "Then could I get a napkin," I sat up a little but kept my face hidden and looking downward. "Unlike Mae Ri, I'm an ugly crier."

Again, Jong Hwa laughed. "Mae Ri is an ugly crier too." But he got up and grabbed me some napkins so I could mop up my face.

After I'd had a chance to wipe down my face and make sure I didn't have any embarrassing snot coming from my nose, I finally looked up into Jong Hwa's face. He was looking at me with such concern that it made my chest tighten but for a different reason this time. Jong Hwa had always been nerdishly attractive to me but there were moments like these where he was just breathtaking. It wasn't so much his good looks but him as a whole; he was kind and good and caring. he was understanding even when he had no reason to be, like now. I'd basically dragged him out of his home on a cold night,  yelled at him in front of strangers, and then sobbed all over him and probably embarrassed him in front of a bunch of people and yet, he was still here. Still handing me tissues and looking at me as if he didn't care about what had just transpired in the last ten minutes.

I felt so low, like I had no right to be his friend after tonight. "I'm sorry," I said and looked away from his face.

    "Do you feel better," he asked innocently, obviously having no idea what was going on in my head.

    "Sure," I stood up and threw away the tissues and apologized o the clerk for my abhorrent scene before walking outside. This time the cold air felt refreshing even as it was making my skin prickle.

Jong Hwa followed me out and stood in front of me with his jacket open and waiting for me to shrug into it. "No, it's yours. You wear it," I pushed it back towards him but it looked like his patience with me had worn thin because he sighed and forcibly shoved my arms into the sleeves and had me zipped in the jacket before I could really stop him. As soon as it was zipped up, I tried to reach for the zipper to pull it back down but his hand closed over mine and gave me a stern look.

    "Leave it," I nodded once and he smiled at me. "Good girl," he laughed at my expression and let go of my hand. My handle tingled where he'd touched me but blamed it on the cold in my denial.

    "That is so condescending," I muttered but I was still very grateful for the warmth even though I knew he must be cold now.

    "Mian*," He smiled that sweet smile of his and my heart stuttered in my chest. "Shall we get going?"

    "Going?" I asked and tried to forget about my fluttering heart and tingling hand.

    "Yes," I tugged the hood of the jacket up. "We're going to my house, remember?"

    "Oh," I'd forgotten post-panic attack the purpose of calling him out this late at night. I glanced in the direction of my apartment and wondered if I shouldn't head home instead. I could simply give Jong Hwa the jacket back and go home thought I doubted Jong Hwa would let me leave that easily. But more importantly, did I even want to go home? I'd have to face my father... It was a thought that brought me no joy.

    "You're not going back home," Jong Hwa said a little forcibly as he looked in the direction I was looking.

    "Eung?" It always surprised me how quickly Jong Hwa could read me, or rather, any of us really. He was always so intuitive.

    "Do you really--have you seen your face?" Jong Hwa asked me incredulously and looked at me. He shook his head in exasperation which caused his glasses to fall down his nose until they'd almost dropped off his face altogether. He angrily pushed them back up and I couldn't contain a giggle. Panic attacks always left me feeling a little exhausted which caused me to laugh or giggle frequently, as was the case now. It didn't take long before he started laughing too.

    "Jalsaenggin*," I said absentmindedly between laughs before coming to a stuttering halt. Oh my god, I thought. Did I just call him handsome? To his face? I wanted to curl into the fetal position and die.

    "Mworago*?" Jong Hwa stopped laughing and just stared at me.

No, no, no, this couldn't be happening! My brain quickly thought of a retort, "Ani, Ani, seong gasin*!" Oh geez, if there was ever a moment to face-palm, this was it. I went from calling him handsome to calling him annoying and I couldn't tell which was worse.

He looked at me for another second before breaking out into a smile. I was about to say something else when my phone went off. I pulled it out thinking maybe it'd be Mae Ri but it wasn't. It was my father. I'd ignored his previous texts and calls but I didn't feel like I could ignore this one. Who knew what my father would do at this point and it would be best to see if his anger had abated any so I picked it up.

    "Hello," I said cautiously into the receiver.

    "Come home right now, young lady," my father barked into the phone and I jerked it away from my ear. I guess he was still angry, lucky me, I thought.

    "Dad," I thought of a quick lie. "I'm already at Jong Hwa's house for the night, I'll be back--"

    "I don't want to hear it, I want you home now," he shouted into the phone again.

To my complete astonishment, Jong Hwa jerked the phone out of my hand and spoke quickly in English. "Mr. Smith, Lily isn't coming home tonight," without so much as a goodbye, Jong Hwa hung up the phone and removed the battery before my father could call back. I was speechless, I'd never seen Jong Hwa be so openly rude to an elder, or rude to anyone for that matter. He always made a point to be respectful. It really was the quiet ones you had to be careful of, I thought.

 "Kaja*," he said nonchalantly.

    "Jong Hwa-ya," I made a pass for the phone but he grabbed my hand with his left and tucked the phone into his pants pocket with his right. He didn't let go of my hand but simple gripped is tightly and smiled down at me like the phone call had never happened. "Kajagu*."

And that was the end of the discussion.

To Be Continued...

***

*Eotteoke: Literal translation is "How" but can be used for the purposes of asking "What do I do?" "How do I do something?"

*Mian: informal "Sorry", think of Mianhae(yo) as "I'm Sorry" and Mian as just "Sorry"

*Jalsaenggin: "Handsome"

*Mworago: "What?" Or "What did you say?"

*Seong gasin: "Annoying"

*Kaja: "Lets Go"

*Kajagu: "Let's Go!" or "I said let's go" by adding the "gu" it puts more of an emphasis on the word.