Nae Chingu (My Friends) Chapter Eleven

Nae Chingu (My Friends)

Chapter Eleven

    "Lily," Mae Ri tried to get my attention but all I could see was the closed door. I pulled my arm out of Jong Hwa's hand and began pounding on the door.

    "Dad," I called hoarsely at first. "Dad," I called more loudly.

My friends let me continue for a few minutes but it was obvious my dad wasn't going to open the door and my pleas were falling on deaf ears.

    "Lily, let's go," Jong Hwa pulled me back and this time I let him. I barely noticed my surroundings as my friends pulled me to the elevator. I felt cold, despite being bundled in my winter jacket.

    "Lily, gwanchana," Mae Ri asked me hesitantly but I couldn't focus enough to think of an answer.

    "Of course she's not ok," Ji Soo shoved Mae Ri from behind.

    "I was just asking," Mae Ri elbowed Ji Soo back.

    "It was a stupid question," Ji Soo responded.

    "Guys," Jong Hwa said sharply and they instantly stopped talking.

I still couldn't believe that my father had shut the door in my face. He looked at me like I was a traitor, like I'd betrayed him. Maybe I had, I thought. Maybe my decision to stay seemed like a betrayal to him but wouldn't going back be a betrayal to myself? He'd left me with nothing, I didn't have any clothes, my books, my toothbrush. I had nothing. Some how we'd made it to the lobby and I couldn't even remember getting on the elevator. I had...I had...

I pulled my wallet from my jacket pocket and opened it, "20,000 won." My own voice felt very far away.

   "What," Ji Soo called from behind me.

20,000 won...20,000 won, my mind kept circling around that amount, that was..."That's enough for a toothbrush and maybe a shirt," I muttered.

    "Lily, stop," Jong Hwa said quietly and tried to take my wallet away but I cradled it against my chest.

    "Don't take it away, it's all--it's all I have left," I quickly put the money away and stuffed my wallet back into my pocket so no one could take it from me. "It's mine," I warned them.

    "Lily?" Jong Hwa's voice seemed very far away and I didn't know what scared me more, the thought of someone taking the rest of my livelihood or Jong Hwa moving far way from me. I panicked and grabbed onto his arm.

    "You can't leave me too, I couldn't--don't leave me," I buried my face in his shoulder. "I need you," I started shuddering violently. I couldn't shake the cold. It was so cold, why?

    "Jong Hwa-ya," Ji Soo said from somewhere. "I think she's in shock. What did her father say?"

    "Jong Hwa, don't leave," I continued to plead.

    "I really do think she's in shock," Ji Soo said.

    "What do we do," Jong Hwa asked while he tried to dislodge his arm from my tight grip but I wouldn't let him go.

    "No," I clawed at his jacket. "No, don't leave."

    "Lily, I'm not going anywhere," he tried once again to pull his arm out of my grasp but since I wasn't letting go of his jacket he simply pulled his arm out of the sleeve and soon I was grasping at nothing.

    "No!" I screeched and made a pass for his waist. I gripped him tightly, fearful that he'd pull away again and instead he wrapped his arms around me and held me tight.

    "Ji Soo call your father," Jong Hwa commanded even as he gently started patting my hair. "Something isn't right," he mumbled as held me.

    "Lily," Mae Ri was crying but I didn't know why or care, I just knew that I had to make sure Jong Hwa didn't leave.

    "Abeoji," Ji Soo said into the phone before falling into a quick slew of Korean that I neither followed nor cared about.

I pressed my ear to Jong Hwa's chest and listened to his heart. Bah-bump. Bah-bump. Bah-bump. It was the best sound in the world, I wish I could just have his heart, he'd never leave me then. My eyes started to droop and my legs started to get weak.

    "...keep her warm..."

    "...she's falling..."

    "...Lily!"

***

    "They spoke in English, I don't know--" a voice broke through my consciousness weakly.

    "He kicked her out, he just--"

...Silence...

    "...will be ok, just needs time..."

    "Jong Hwa!" I cried out but my voice seemed small and weak.

    "I'm right here," I felt a hand grab my own and give it a gentle squeeze. That's all I needed to know before I slid back into sleep.

***

I was warm and it felt good. I could feel the sun rays on my face even thought I hadn't opened my eyes, it was nice. It's Saturday, I thought. The weekends are always the best. Wait...the sun's up? How come Dad didn't--Dad...Dad...

It was like a movie played out before my eyes...Dad slapped me...my packed bedroom..."Then this is goodbye"...and it all ended with a door shut in my face.

    "No," I moaned and pulled my knees up. I just wanted to shrink into nothing. If my dad left like that I'd have no one, I had...Jong Hwa. Jong Hwa!

I must have yelled his name unconsciously because the next thing I heard was Jong Hwa's voice, "I"m here. Lily, I'm here."  The bed creaked to one side and I finally opened my eyes.

Jong Hwa's hair was disheveled and pushed away from his face. He looked pale and his eyes were red like he'd stayed up all night. "Jong Hwa," I threw my arm out looking for his hand and  pulled him close as soon as I clasped his fingers.

I held his arm at such an awkward angle that he finally shuffled until he was laying down across the bed from me which only made me want to pull him closer which I did. I felt a little light headed but I didn't find the feeling completely unpleasant.  It was better than the pain I felt a few seconds ago. I felt safe now that he was here which was saying something since I was coherent enough to realize I was in a bedroom I've never been in before.

    "You can't leave me," I whispered to him. "Ok?"

    "I won't. How do you feel," he asked me, there was such a concerned look on his face. I felt bad for making his eyebrows crinkle that way.

    "Don't frown," I used my index finger to poke the space between his eyes where his brows were furrowed. "You're most handsome when you look happy." I think I took him by surprise because his mouth opened into a small "O" but at least the frown was gone.

    "Lily, are you feeling ok," he looked at me worriedly.

    "I feel weird but it's ok, as long as you're here, I'm ok," and it was true. I snuggled a little closer until my head was just under his chin and breathed in the scent of Jong Hwa. He didn't particularly smell like anything really, which I found surprisingly nice. He smelled like clean clothes and there was a faint soapy smell I assumed was his body wash.

    "Maybe I should get Dr. Lee," he said hesitantly and began to pull away.

    "No, no," I tried to keep my voice low. "Where are we anyway?" I felt I should be curious about where I was but I wasn't. I just wanted to make sure Jong Hwa didn't go anywhere so this was my attempt to keep his attention.

    "Ji Soo's house. You, ah," Jong Hwa shuffled a little farther away from me and I shuffled with him. "You fainted after-after what happened with your Dad."

    "Ah," I could feel the pain of abandonment try to rise up but I dismissed it. I had Jong Hwa, I didn't need anyone else. As long as Jong Hwa didn't leave...

    "Lily, I'm going to get Dr. Lee," Jong Hwa sat up but I wouldn't let go of his hand. "I'll be right back," he gave final tug and I lost my grip.

    "You'll be right back," I asked desperately.

Jong Hwa, who was never one to be overly touchy-feely, completely took me by surprise by gently cradling my face between his two hands and looking me straight in the eye, "I'll be right back."

I nodded, completely mesmerized by his brown eyes, and felt reassured that he would be true to his word. He let go of my face and I suddenly felt cold again. I pulled the blanket closer as he left the room and I finally took in my surroundings.

The room looked typical of a "guest" bedroom meaning there was nothing more personal in it than a picture of the ocean on the wall across from the bed and a night stand. The walls were painted a gray-blue that took the word "neutral" to a whole new level and I wondered how I'd ever thought Jong Hwa's house filled with brown was anything other than homey. Even the bedspread, white with traces of the same gray-blue, looked cold or maybe that was just some residual after effect of Jong Hwa's absence. Where was Jong Hwa?

It was another minute or so before Jong Hwa and Dr. Lee came back into the room. Ji Soo's father wasn't a big man but he had such a large presence that I felt like he took up the room and I became instantly uncomfortable. The feeling confused me because I'd never been uncomfortable with him before. In fact, he was the first parent who I felt didn't judge me the minute I walked through their door. For me to be uncomfortable with him was like not being uncomfortable in my own skin. It was my first clue that something was seriously wrong with me but even as I was telling myself that it was just Dr. Lee, I pulled slightly away from his approaching form until I was on the opposite side of the bed-almost off of it. If I moved any more, I'd have to stand up.

Dr. Lee must have seen my apprehension because he stopped coming closer to the bed but the smile on his face never ceased. "How are you feeling, Lily," He asked me gently in a voice you would normally use to calm down pets.

    "I feel strange, I don't know why," I clutched the neckline of my shirt just above my heart. I was trying to tell my fast beating heart to calm down. Mae Ri and Ji Soo had came into the room but they stayed near the door. Mae Ri looked like she'd been crying and Ji Soo just looked tired. I felt terrible, I knew it was because of me. I looked to Jong Hwa who was standing a little bit away from them but now that I really looked at him, he looked terrible.

I glanced at the window and estimated that it had to have been sometime after eight in the morning which meant I had been out for several hours, twelve or more hours. "What time is it," I asked.

    "A little after nine in the morning," Dr. Lee answered me. I nodded, not knowing what else to do. I did the math in my head, I had been out for nearly fourteen hours. That wasn't normal, I thought.

    "Could you kids give Lily and I some privacy,' Dr. Lee lifted his arm as if to usher the other three from the room but my response immediately cut off their departure.

    "No, wait--" I immediately looked at Jong Hwa. The words "stay with me" were on the tip my tongue but I bit them back. He truly looked terrible, his eyes were more red than I had originally thought, his face was pale and he just simply looked tired especially with his shoulders hunched down like he was barely standing upright. I couldn't, in good conscious, ask him to stay with me. However...

    "Can-can Mae Ri stay," I asked hesitantly. Jong Hwa's body shut up straight but I didn't think any thing of it as I stared at Dr. Lee with pleading eyes.

Mae Ri burst into tears and came running at me. I shuffled so fast off the bed that I nearly tripped and would have if the wall hadn't been as close as it was. Mae Ri didn't notice my panic though because within seconds her arms were around my neck and I was in a hug tight enough to threaten my oxygen intake.

Normally I would have hugged her back almost immediately but I found myself hesitating this time. I was confused by my reaction but after a few moments I did hug her back.

    "I was so worried," Mae Ri said loudly and she continued to hug me.

I barely listened to her words as I watched Dr. Lee usher Ji Soo and Jong Hwa from the room. Jong Hwa looked at me and our eyes met for a moment before he looked to the floor and quietly shut the door behind him. I felt hollow and probably pushed Mae Ri away harder than I had intended because soon she was standing a foot away from me looking at me curiously.

    "I couldn't-" I pretended to cough. "Breath," I touched my throat to make it look believable.

    "I'm sorry," Mae Ri said nervously, like she wasn't sure if she should believe me.

I tried to put a smile on my face but it felt weak so I just sat back on the bed and look towards Dr. Lee waiting for him to tell me what happened. "Lily," and that was pretty much the last thing I understood from that moment on. I nodded along as if I understood but I felt like he was speaking a foreign language which, awkwardly, made me giggle because that's exactly what he was doing. He was using so many Korean words that I didn't know that I couldn't even keep up with the details of my condition. For some reason, this knowledge sent me into such a fit of giggles that I feared I would faint again due to light headedness.

    "What's so funny," Dr. Lee's smile dimmed slightly as he continued to watch me try and fail to contain my laughter.  Which only made me laugh more, one glance at Mae Ri's face and I could no longer contain myself. I laughed in such loud guffaws that it echoed throughout the room.

There was a knock on the door, "Dad, is everything ok," Ji Soo's voice sounded from behind the door.

Dr. Lee walked over to the door and pulled Jong Hwa inside and spoke quickly to him but I just kept wiping the tears of laughter out of my eyes.

    "Lily, did you understand what Abeonim* was trying to tell you," Jong Hwa asked me in English.

    "Jong Hwa-ya," I threw out my hand and he instantly took it and I felt better. He came and sat next to be on the bed but said a few words to Dr. Lee. I could only concentrated on the feel of Jong Hwa's hand in mine. His slim fingers encased my palm gently and I began to draw circles with my thumb on the back of his left hand.

    "Lily, can you look at me," Jong Hwa asked me and I instantly looked up. "I'm going to tell you something and I need you to pay attention to what I'm saying." It was like a weird role reversal of my conversation with Mae Ri the previous day.

I smiled at him, "I always pay attention to you. You're all I ever see," I slapped a hand over my mouth. "Oppsy," I giggled again.

    "Lily, the strange feeling you are experiencing is due to the emotional trauma that was inflicted last night," Jong Hwa told me slowly in English.  "It's called emotional shock, you experienced something so emotionally traumatizing that your body was unable to provide enough oxygen to the rest of your body that you fainted."

    "That doesn't sound good," I said and sobered up a little bit. Dr. Lee said more big words to Jong Hwa that I wasn't able to understand and I waited for Jong Hwa to translate it for me.

    "He said the symptoms you are experiencing, the manic hysteria, um," he asked Dr. Lee something and Dr. Lee nodded. "The laughing, is part of that manic hysteria. He said you might feel like you are floating, that will all disappear as the shock wears off." Jong Hwa squeezed my hand reassuringly and I nodded even though I had a hard time comprehending. I guess I did kind of feel like I was floating, now that I thought about it.

Dr. Lee said something to Mae Ri and Ji Soo  and they left the room and shut the door leaving me with Jong Hwa. Dr. Lee then began saying something more to Jong Hwa who nodded along but  then looked at me abruptly as if he was confused.

    Go ahead," I said and blinked hard. Now that I realized that even though I felt good, it didn't necessarily mean it was a good thing and I was trying to move past it. "I'm-I'm paying attention," I nodded for him to keep going.

    "He said that he was able to contact your doctor at the military base hospital and he forwarded your medical records to Abeonim," Jong Hwa looked back at Dr. Lee for the next installment of information. "He's most concerned about what will happen once the manic hysteria wears off. Your history with," Jong Hwa squeezed my hand again. "With depression."

Nothing could have sobered me up faster than Jong Hwa finding out I had been clinically depressed. It was like all the laughter in the world disappeared in that moment and my heart shrank two sizes. That had been a secret I never intended to tell any of my friends, it was a bad period in my life but I had considered it done and over with and planned on never bringing up. The sudden shame that filled me only made me feel worse.

Dr. Lee started saying something more but I instantly threw up my hand, "Hajima*, Jebal*." I looked between Jong Hwa and Dr. Lee and tried to figure out what to do next. I obviously needed help with the translation and no one else spoke Korean and English other than Jong Hwa so I had no choice but to continue to let Jong Hwa translate but was I ready for Jong Hwa to find out about all my dirty little secrets? I slipped my hand out of Jong Hwa's and moved to the other side of the bed before standing up and moving as far away from him as the room would allow.

    "Lily," Jong Hwa looked like he was going to follow me but I put out my hand to tell him to stay.

    "Ok, continue," I said in Korean to Dr. Lee who simply nodded. It wasn't a surprise when I only caught a few words since most of it was medical jargon I'd never learned before so I had no choice but to wait for Jong Hwa translate but I couldn't bring myself to look at him.

    "He said he'd like to start you back on your antidepressants to avoid a relapse until you feel you are well enough to go without them," Jong Hwa translated.

    "Why am I not at the hospital," I asked. For some reason, I was just realizing this conversation should be happening at a hospital. Why was I not waking up in a hospital bed?

    "Well, we thought it might be better to bring you here since, I mean you hadn't actually gotten hurt and," Jong Hwa looked down at his feet like he didn't want to be here any more than I wanted him here, at least not for this particular conversation. "The hospital bill would have been expensive and we--"

    "I understand," I wished I could just fall into a hole and disappear. They'd known I wouldn't have been able to pay for the bill. It was a good thing Ji Soo's father was a doctor otherwise I would have been royally screwed but then again, I felt like I was royally screw now so it really wouldn't have mattered. "I'm fairly sure my 'manic hysteria' is gone now," I admitted. There was no way I could feel worse so I might has well get all the information, even if I had to get it through Jong Hwa.

Jong Hwa translated my words and I waited for Dr. Lee to say something.

    "Abeonim said, with your permission, he'd like to order a prescription," Jong Hwa continued to listen to Dr. Lee's words. "He said he could get you started on them today."

    "Sure," I agreed. He was after all the doctor. My embarrassment kept rising and I just wanted to be alone. "Are there any other side affects," I asked but not like I really cared but I waited for an answer anyway.

    "He said you might feel overly tired for awhile but that things like this usually work themselves through," Jong Hwa informed me. "He said you might grow overly-attached to someone, someone you're close too. He said it's a coping mechanism for losing someone so abruptly," Jong Hwa finished.

Well that explained my irrational need to keep Jong Hwa by my side. He was the first person I latched onto yesterday and the first person I asked for when I woke up. His touch calmed me and made me feel safe, in fact, he'd always felt safe which is probably the reason I latched onto him in the first place.

    "Abeonim also said he could set you up with someone," Jong Hwa said.

    "Like a therapist," I asked and finally looked at Jong Hwa. He looked unhappy, yeah, well me too buddy.

    "I think so," he admitted.

    "No thank you," I'd had enough of therapists. The therapist from three years ago just kept asking me how I felt and wanted me to keep talking and talking but I hated one sided monologues. Eventually I had just told him exactly what he wanted to hear which wasn't too hard to make believable because who really wanted to listen to a sad sixteen year old talk about how sucky her life was? Even I'd grown tired of it and it was my life!

    "Lily, if it would help--"

    "No, I'm fine. I'm-I'm back to normal," you're a liar, I thought to myself. You are so not fine, but if it would get me out of this conversation, then I would lie like a rug.

    "Lily--"

    "Really, Jong Hwa-ya," I put a bright smile on my face and decided I should have gone into acting because I was putting on the performance of my life right now. "I'll take the pills if it would make Dr. Lee feel better but now-" I crossed my arms to help keep myself from falling apart. "Now that it's all been explained, I feel much better."

I couldn't tell if he believed me or not but he related my words to Dr. Lee just the same. Dr. Lee nodded and smiled in my direction. I switched back to Korean and thanked him for all his help and made sure I gave him all the respects he deserved as both a doctor and my friend's father. I bowed deeply which caused me to keel forward a little but I caught myself on the edge of the bed. Jong Hwa jolted up but I cringed away before he could touch me.

    "I'm fine, just a little dizzy," once again, I smiled at him and made sure I was out of touching distance despite wanting to touch him so bad.

They both left shortly thereafter to let me "rest" but I knew I wasn't going to be able to sleep for awhile. Sleeping for fourteen hours straight probably didn't help either, I thought to myself after I'd laid back down on the bed. I was staring out the window and tried to figure out what to do next.

I had no choice but to stay here for the day, I couldn't even go home since I no longer had a home to go too. In fact, my father was probably at the airport this second getting ready to board a plane back to the States. He'd taken all my belongings out of spite, I knew that now, but it still didn't change the fact that I had nothing to my name other than the 20,000 won in my wallet. The only thing I had going for me was the fact that I moved into the dorms tomorrow which was only reassuring because I could get away from the sad and pitiful looks my friends were giving me. It also got me away from Jong Hwa even though every fiber of my being wanted to be with him. Even now, I could feel his absence. Who was I kidding, even knowing what was happening hadn't alleviated the desire to be near him one bit.

I was eventually able to close my eyes and sleep some more and I happily sank into the darkness that would take me away from the confusing mess my life had just become.

***

Ji Soo...

In the ten years Jong Hwa and I had been friends, I'd never seen him look so bad and I didn't know how to help him.  I couldn't stop picturing the look of panic on his face after Lily collapsed yesterday or even the panic I had felt during the situation. My father always told me that being a doctor required the ability to keep a calm head in a crazy situation and that's what I'd done. Mae Ri had become hysterical trying to wake Lily up while Jong Hwa just cradled her in his arms and kept asking me what to do.

Even now I was trying to keep calm while my friend sat there on the bed looking confused and well, just not normal. When my father told Jong Hwa and I to leave, I felt relieved that at least Mae Ri would be with her even knowing that Mae Ri would most likely make the situation worse--she wasn't the calm type. It'd only been a few minutes later when we heard the laughing that abruptly erupted from behind the door.

Something wasn't right, she wasn't ok, was all I could think but for Jong Hwa's sake I didn't voice my opinion out loud. He looked like he was ready to collapse at any moment. Mae Ri had at least slept a little bit in the last fourteen hours and I had finally crashed around five in the morning only to be woken up about twenty minutes ago. As far as I could see, Jong Hwa hadn't slept at all.

It was another fifteen minutes of silence while Mae Ri and I stood out in the hallway waiting for the bedroom door to open. When it did, I don't know how Jong Hwa could look any worse. I watched as my dad shut the door behind himself.

    "Is she going to be ok," I asked even before Mae Ri could.

My dad nodded and sighed, "She'll be ok, she just needs time. She seems to be adjusting rather quickly," my dad said.

    "She's lying," Jong Hwa said quietly and he leaned against the wall of the hallway.

    "You don't know that," I said, wanting to reassure him but he simply looked at me with desperate eyes.

    "I know her, she's lying," he said and I believed him. If anyone knew her, it was Jong Hwa.

    "You kids stay here while I go and get her prescription," my dad instructed as he continued to walk towards his home office.

    "I can bring it to the pharmacy, Abeonim," Jong Hwa said and stood up straight.

    "I don't think so," I said and shook my head. "You're going to fall asleep halfway to the store, Mae Ri and I will go get it," I said and waved off his protests even before he could make them.

    "Ji Soo-ya, I--"

    "She's our friend too," I said to him quietly, warning him. Everyone was on edge and I wasn't about to watch my best friend run himself into the ground and collapse out of exhaustion. "You want to help her, you need to take care of yourself too."

    "He's right, Oppa*," Mae Ri said and I tried to bite back a smile. The only time she used the term "Oppa" was when she wanted something and I couldn't fault her for using it now. "Get some rest otherwise you will be of no help to her."

Jong Hwa didn't look like he appreciated our opinions but he kept his mouth shut which was just as well. "Come on," I said as I clapped his shoulder and pushed him into my room. "Try to get some sleep," I said as I went to grab my winter coat from my closet.

    "Did you know she'd been depressed," Jong Hwa asked me quietly as he sat down on my bed.

    "No," I answered. Lily had always seemed fine so I never once thought she seemed depressed but considering the life she'd had prior to moving to Korea, I guess I wasn't surprised. "No, I didn't."

    "Me either," Jong Hwa said. "She grabbed onto me like I was her lifeline and then she just," Jong Hwa shrugged halfheartedly. "Let me go," he finished.

I could understand the pain in his voice. The way Lily had clung to him yesterday, like she desperately needed him had probably made Jong Hwa feel like he was helping in some small way. Then to have her reject him just as quick, and taking the fact that he was in love with her into consideration probably compounded the rejection. "Don't hold it against her, she's just confused right now, I mean," I shrugged into my jacket. "Wouldn't you be?"

Jong Hwa shrugged again while he rubbed the back of his left hand. When he caught me staring, he stopped immediately. "I'm going to lay down," he said and did just that.

    "Good idea," I said. "We'll be back soon."

As I shut my bedroom door I just hoped he slept. There was a lot of questions I wanted to ask my father but it would have to wait until after we got back. It was enough to know that both Lily and Jong Hwa were resting and I did my best to comfort Mae Ri while we walked to the local pharmacy.  The last twenty-four hours felt like they had been a dream, or rather a nightmare that I was all too willing to wake up from.

To Be Continued...

***

*Abeonim: Abeoji means father but the "nim" adds a level of respect to the title and when conjugated it comes out as "Abeonim". Korean's call their friend's parents by their title of "Mother" and "Father.

*Hajima: "Stop" quite simply

*Jebal: "Please" in pleading form. It's normally used when emphasis is needed.