Avoiding The Bullsh*t

I was recently accused of maintaining friendships that are way beyond their expiration date--I find this to be completely untrue. (There will be another blog on this concept later) However, I have managed to maintain a few friendships that, in-eloquently put, are pretty awesome. One of them happens to be with an old high school teacher of mine; every once in a blue moon we send each other emails with updates on the course of our lives since graduation (some years ago, *sigh* I'm getting old) and I thoroughly enjoy this process. However, one our most recent email exchanges had a very strange twist; as he told me about a situation his youngest child found herself in, he said "...you seemed to have avoided all that bullshit in high school, if memory serves." Well, his memory didn't serve because I did not, in fact, avoid "all that bullshit". I was roped into the drama of my teens as much as anyone else, if not more so. I often tell people that my high school years were probably, by far, the worse years of my life--maybe only because at the time I hadn't acquired the knowledge I have today to make my life better.

Nonetheless, his words have swirled around my head for the past two months and I finally decided I would get my thoughts down and maybe they will help someone else.  I could probably write a book on how much my high school experience was absolutely the worst four years but I won't. Instead, I will simply say I have scars, both physical and mental, that will follow me the rest of my life and leave it at that. Let your imagination draw what it will...

I would look at people around me, people that were smarter, prettier, and infinitely better equipped than either myself or my friends were and be jealous. Friendships were being made and broken daily in my circle of rejects and going to school every morning was always a challenge because I didn't know what I would be walking into. It wasn't all bad; I don't want to leave the impression that I have no happy memories from those four years, I have plenty, but it was a challenge--one that I caved too more times than I'd ever willingly admit to. 

However, seven years later, I am able to objectively look back and realize the mistakes I'd made and, of course, would change if that were possible. I have a few pieces of advice that I'd like to pass on to anyone who is maybe experiencing the same things as I had.

I've learned that although it may not look like it, all high school students experience the same things in high school. They experience loss, they experience pain, they experience anger, jealousy, hatred but they also experience happiness, love, and friendship. These experiences are almost, if not more so, important as what the teachers are trying to drill into your head such as math, English, economics, etc. Everyone, at one point or another, will experience these emotions so the phrase "You are not alone" is not simply something people tell suicidal teenagers; it is a statement of fact. You. Are. Not. Alone in your pain. It's how we cope with it that makes us different. Some wear it on their shoulder like a badge of honor--others bury it deep until it morphs our view on the world and makes it harder to bear. 

How can you avoid the bullshit? It's way easier said than done, that's for sure. Even now, I find myself occasionally getting roped into the BS and it's hard to extract yourself from the tangled webbing once it starts closing in on you. However, if you remember the following phrase, you'll be halfway there. Ready? Here it is...Never underestimate the power of "No". Seems too simple, right? It's really not... It's not easy, it's the hardest thing you'll learn in your life. "No, I am not doing this" is a scary thing to say to your friend. It's a scary thing to say to your parent! I know this because I've had to say it in both instances. 

Choosing not to get roped into the BS is as simple as saying "No, I'm not going to get roped in" and walking away. We fear losing our friends because life would be harder to bear without people by our side to help us stay upright. It was this very fear that kept me from realizing how dangerous my willingness to keep these friendships had become. I would say "Yes" even though my mind would scream "No"--and I'm not talking about anything sexual, I'm simply saying that my friends wanted to and did things that I felt were unacceptable. I followed their footsteps because I felt I had no other choice. It was either follow them or lose them.

In high school, I felt like my friends were the only sane thing in my life; losing friends nearly crushed me which is why I went out of my way to maintain my tenuous friendships. We hear adults say "If they were truly your friend, they would understand" and much like the bratty, little snots we are(...or were, in my case 0.o) we ignored their advice and said "They don't understand" but there is one thing to remember: friends are only as important if they feel the same way you do. Our parents, much to my dismay, were 100% right.  

As an example, I have a friend (I shall use her nickname), Firnlambe. We met only a few years ago but even now it seems that if I lost her as a friend, I would be broken. Luckily for me, she feels the same way. We've agreed, however, that we have no idea how or why we are friends. Her views on love, life and religion, are completely different than mine! But we make it work because we are choosing to be friends. We're not friends simply because we fear losing each other. We don't always get along. Sometimes she's annoyed with me and vice versa however, there is strength behind our friendship because I choose to be her friend and she chooses to be mine. Friendship is not something that just happens--or at least, not very often--a friendship, much like a relationship, must be maintained with conscious care and love just like any other relationship you'll ever have in your life. 

As far as avoiding the bullshit, it all comes down to the same concept. Nothing ever just happens to someone--we always have a choice. We are our own beings, our own consciousness and we don't owe a damn thing to anyone else but ourselves. Cheating yourself out of something you want does nothing but a disservice to you. Man, had I known that, I would have, hands down, been one of the most awesome people in my high school! I would look at other people and think "I wish I was like them..." and now, that very phrase makes my skin crawl. 

I used to hate myself, I didn't like anything about myself but I assumed that was just how I was built, how God had made me and I couldn't change it except..."who you are" is a concept that is molded by our own hands. I would blame my parents or my situation for the terrible things happening to me except I needed to look no further than the mirror to realize who was really to blame. This all comes back to what I said before--everyone experiences the same happiness and sadness in high school, how we deal with it is what separates us. Instead of wishing you could be someone else, make yourself into someone you like--or, if it sounds better--make yourself into someone to be jealous of. Make yourself into someone even you would look at and say "Man, I wish I was like that!" 

You will, inevitably, lose friends somewhere along the way. It is not something to be feared but something everyone learns to embrace. Some are more difficult than others, I'll admit. The idea of losing a friend, most especially in high school, is terrifying. Someone once told me that I will get more and better friends after high school and I believe I responded with "I don't want those friends, I want these friends" and let me tell you...I most definitely did not want these friends. I feared that future friends wouldn't be as great as the friends I had then but now, I can freely admit, I have great friends now. New friends will come along, the really great friends will take time but they will come. Nothing is free and if it is, it should be questioned (which is actually a really great rule of thumb, FYI) and this includes friendship. Great friendships must be earned and, more often than not, the price is time. So sit tight, kiddies, because great friends are on their way to you even as you read this.

If who you become is not someone your friends want to be friends with, then that is their sincere loss because you are awesome. If that means you dye your hair blue and wear funky knee-high socks that in no way match your outfit, then so be it. You'll be exactly like...well...me! My sister dresses like she head dives into a pile of clothing each morning and grabs the first things her hands touch--I'm talking different colored socks, tie-dyed leggings, a tutu and more often than not, she has hair ties that are--quite literally--bought directly from the kid's section at Target. Even me, with blue hair, had a moment of pause whenever I walked around with her in public but you know what...if she's comfortable in whatever she's wearing on any particular day, then why do I care? Not gonna lie, however, some of our outfits are a bit much for even our parents to swallow and yet they proudly walk beside us no matter who happens to be staring.

Of course, if you prefer button down shirts with jeans, then that's just as perfectly fine--if what sets you apart is your unwillingness to conform to what is expected of you, then you are just as "far out there" as I am with the blue hair. My point is, enjoy who you are, don't think of yourself as someone you have to be because if you do...you will be miserable for the rest of your life and that is unfair. Unfair to your parents who made you, unfair to your friends but more important unfair to the person you could be. 

My sincerest hope is that someone who is unhappy in their life will read this and realize their potential and come full circle into themselves. I hope that my words can touch at least one person because then I will feel like my hardships in high school will have been worth it, if for no other reason then to share my experience and knowledge and use it to make someone else's life better.