tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9453604221887097462024-03-12T19:03:29.737-07:00Aunnie's LiteratureAunniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15498782048239279549noreply@blogger.comBlogger44125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-945360422188709746.post-48332209430821252922015-08-31T21:47:00.001-07:002015-08-31T21:47:19.085-07:00Experiences Of A New Mother: Try and Try AgainWith my bundle only being just over six weeks old, I have come to realized that a technique that worked yesterday most definitely does <i>not</i> have to work today. I mean, if there was a rule book for new time mothers, that would be like . . . rule number two. Right after "Do not shake your baby."<br />
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Case in point . . .<br />
<br />
A couple of nights ago, I was able to get my bundle to sleep in his bassinet. Not for the entire night, mind you, but at least for awhile. Per usual, I try to get him to bed by 8 p.m. at night. I have absolutely <i>no</i> idea if six weeks is too young to try and get a baby on a schedule--in all likelihood it is--however, hey, what could I really lose by trying to establish a schedule? Nothing.<br />
<br />
So anyway . . .<br />
<br />
Got him into bed, fed him an ounce of his bottle, picked him up, burped him and laid him back down in his bassinet. I did this until the bottle was completely gone and he just . . . fell asleep.<br />
<br />
I know! I was shocked too!<br />
<br />
Then I promptly went to bed myself. Remember what I said in a previous blog? <a href="http://aunnie-ssi.blogspot.com/2015/08/experiences-of-new-mother-sleep-when.html">Sleep When Baby Sleeps</a>. He woke up a few hours later, I repeated the process and it was a bit harder to get him to sleep in his bassinet so he ultimately ended up in the bed with us but still, progress is progress.<br />
<br />
Think that that same process worked tonight? Hecks no!<br />
<br />
I try to get him to drink his bottle while in the bassinet and get him to sleep afterwards and he<i> was not having it.</i> By no means did he show that he was in any way prepared to fall asleep in his bassinet. I picked him up, cuddled him and promptly put his near-comatose form into the bassinet.<br />
<br />
He woke up minutes later as I was just putting my "Yoga For Beginners" DVD into the player. Gah!<br />
<br />
I went back in, picked him up and managed to coax him back into sleep and attempted to put him in his bassinet and it was another no-go. <i>Okaaaaaay . . .</i><br />
<br />
By now, I had figuratively put on my boxing gloves. You wanna go, my little bundle, well Mama was more than ready to pick up <i>that</i> gauntlet.<br />
<br />
Because I have a voracious appetite for music, all I did while pregnant was listen to music and dance along with it. If you can imagine a 38 week pregnant woman dancing to, well, <i><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrNfJ7AwW_g">this</a> . . . </i><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUL5uF42VMlQOb11j3lJaev4fJUcy0H7Tt9tkyhCnjewUKw7nwPlFU0qCyi_-VXRbuAVff_yRHqQ7PM6aRwVnPFn_1Ce7hYECNjk3rlXBHiCn3hAB__4pDmbGKQh_0QD2jKxE2mo0DBew/s1600/BTS+Dope+1.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="165" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUL5uF42VMlQOb11j3lJaev4fJUcy0H7Tt9tkyhCnjewUKw7nwPlFU0qCyi_-VXRbuAVff_yRHqQ7PM6aRwVnPFn_1Ce7hYECNjk3rlXBHiCn3hAB__4pDmbGKQh_0QD2jKxE2mo0DBew/s320/BTS+Dope+1.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
. . . that was me. Well, granted, I never actually danced <i>those</i> particular dance moves but still . . . you get the general idea of the type of music I listen too.<br />
<br />
So, tonight I plopped in a small speaker, hooked up my Ipod and swaddled the little bundle and he fell almost immediately asleep.<br />
<br />
I have other examples of the same type of thing but I'll just skip to the point.<br />
<br />
No singular method will work 100% of the time. What I've learned is after trying and failing on one particular method then "shelve" that method for a different time and move on to a new method. It's like pulling a rabbit out of a hat--sometimes you get a mouse, a guinea pig or even of goldfish.<br />
<br />
Okay, that's a terrible analogy but still, sometimes it takes a bit to find the right method in any given moment but be patient, there is always an answer to every child's riddle. It's just a matter of finding it in that moment.<br />
<br />
This goes for calming down a baby, putting that baby to sleep, entertaining that baby but honestly, for me it's really just trying to keep my colicky baby calm and comfortable. Sometimes swaddling works. Sometimes not.<br />
<br />
No method is sure fire to work and if you are one of the very select, lucky individuals to inherit a baby where one thing works all the time then . . . don't have a second child. I am only half joking when I say this. I've been told by multiple people that if the first child is a dream, then the second child will be a nightmare. Of course, if your first child is a nightmare then you really have nothing to lose by having a second child because you're already well aware of what might come out of your va-jay-jay.<br />
<br />
But if your first child is a dream . . . don't tempt fate and just enjoy your god-given gift! Again . . . only half joking.<br />
<br />
Nah, even if my little bundle had been a dream, complete with harps and violins, I'd still opt to have another child because although I spend most of my nights with one eye open and two hands on a pre-readied bottle, I'd do it all over again knowing the results because there really is nothing like being a mother to a wonderful, even colicky, child.<br />
<br />
I can't say I enjoy every moment of this Try and Try Again way of life at the moment, but hey . . . the good outweigh the bad.Aunniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15498782048239279549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-945360422188709746.post-86629418095258776982015-08-30T13:35:00.000-07:002015-08-31T20:52:44.434-07:00A Short Story: Secret Love<div style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 1.7em; margin-bottom: 20px; margin-top: 1em; padding: 0px;">
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<span style="line-height: 1.7em;">Secret Love</span></div>
Two old friends get together for dinner after a long time apart. One of them is secretly in love with the other one.</blockquote>
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<br />
While riding the elevator up to the 27th floor my phone started ringing in my pocket. Despite carrying two briefcases, three files and a full cup of coffee, I managed to answer my phone before it went to voice mail. I considered that a win for the morning; it took so little to please me these days.<br />
<br />
"Hello?" I answered just as the elevators opened up to my floor.<br />
<br />
"Becky, hey," Lance's voice echoed through the phone and I couldn't help the smile that spread across my face or the sadness that etched it way into my heart.<br />
<br />
Lance had been a friend of mine for almost twenty years; we'd grown up together. His parents lived on the opposite corner from my parent's house and even as kids, we'd hit it off. Actually, he'd thrown a rock at me one day while we were both playing at the nearby park and in an act of revenge, I'd dumped a whole bucket of sand on him. We'd just clicked from that moment on and were inseparable almost every day through elementary school, middle school and high school. We'd even tried to go to the same college except, he'd been given an opportunity he couldn't pass up. His father was an alumni from UCLA and put in a good word for his son and they'd offered him a spot in their marine biology program. Meanwhile, I went off to the east coast to study history at the University of Maine.<br />
<br />
Our friendship had fallen to the wayside quickly and it had broken my heart. So much so that I had failed most of my classes in the first semester and had been put on Academic Probation for nearly three semesters until my GPA improved enough to be taken off of the list. Sometimes we'd email each other and every once in awhile we'd managed to be home on break at the same time and could catch a dinner but mostly it just seemed our friendship had run it's course and came to an end.<br />
<br />
We'd graduated by now and both had successful jobs although only he'd managed to find one in his field while I had to find employment anywhere I could, I guess people just weren't in need of historians right now.<br />
<br />
"Hey Lance, how are you," I asked happily. Every time we talked, I always felt the same way; overjoyed and sad.<br />
<br />
"I'm good, in fact, I'm really good," he answered, I could hear a lot of voices in the background.<br />
<br />
"Where are you," I asked curiously as I set everything in my hands on my desk and sat down in my office chair. The person in the opposite cubicle waved to me and I silently waved back.<br />
<br />
"You'll never guess," he said.<br />
<br />
"Probably not," I laughed lightly. "My mom told me a couple months ago that your mom told her you were in Hawaii digging up coral reefs or something," I started up my computer and glanced at the clock. As much as I wanted to talk to Lance, I also had a meeting at 9:30 that I needed to prepare for and the minutes were ticking by quickly.<br />
<br />
"I'm in Maine," he said.<br />
<br />
"What," I asked and completely forgot what I was suppose to be doing. I was taken aback, in fact, he'd never actually come to Maine before, at least not to my knowledge so this was very surprising.<br />
<br />
"I'm in Maine," he said into the phone thinking I hadn't heard him.<br />
<br />
"Are you here for work," I asked.<br />
<br />
"Yes and no, I've got something important but it's not work related," he said vaguely.<br />
<br />
"Oh...okay, um, did you want to meet up," I asked nervously. Years ago, it wouldn't have even been a question, of course we would have met up, but now, such was our friendship that I couldn't predict his intentions.<br />
<br />
"Of course," he said almost arrogantly into the phone. "Why else would I be calling," he actually scoffed into the phone.<br />
<br />
"Rebecca, it's almost time for the meeting, do you have the files ready?" My neighbor pointed at her watch and looked at me expectantly.<br />
<br />
I nodded at her, "Hey Lance, I gotta go. I have a meeting but let me give you a call after work, is-will that be okay?"<br />
<br />
"Definitely, I'll be waiting for your call," He said teasingly.<br />
<br />
"Okay," I smiled. "I'll call you."<br />
<br />
"Bye Becky," Lance said into the phone before hanging up.<br />
<br />
I looked at the phone after he hung up for another few seconds. He had something important going on but it wasn't work related? I wonder what it was. I shrugged and concentrated on my upcoming meeting.<br />
<br />
***<br />
<br />
<i>8 Years Ago...</i><br />
<br />
Our friendship had taken a sharp left turn since Lance received the acceptance letter from UCLA in the mail. The day before I'd received my acceptance letter from the University of Maine and had called him ecstatically. He hadn't gotten his yet but I hadn't lost hope that he'd get his soon so when he called me the next day, naturally I assumed he'd gotten in.<br />
<br />
"You got in, right? That's why you're calling? Oh my god, I can't believe we're moving to Maine! My parents want me to live in a dorm first, you know, get the dorm-life feel but I told them I needed to talk to you first. I'm totally cool with living in the dorms, but if you want to get a place of our own, I'm sure I could convince--"<br />
<br />
"Becks," Lance cut me off, which hadn't been unusual since I had a tendency to go on tangents but this time, his voice was all wrong.<br />
<br />
"Am I getting ahead of myself, I know we still have time before we have to start making decisions but I don't want to waste too much time going over our options 'cause if we're going to get into the same dormitories, we need to apply relatively soon otherwise we'll probably end up in different dormitories. See, the more I think about it, we should just get an apartment because when winter comes and if we're in separate dormitories I don't want to walk--"<br />
<br />
"I'm not going to the University of Maine," he said when I'd taken a second to breathe. I shouldn't have sucked in so much air because his last words sucked it all out of me again and left me reeling with a head rush.<br />
<br />
I didn't even have the breath to ask him to clarify his words, because surely I'd heard them wrong and the silence dragged on.<br />
<br />
"My father got me into UCLA," his words were quiet and each one was like a sucker punch. "UCLA is like the second best school for Marine Biology, I can't--"<br />
<br />
"Don't go," I whispered. "I know this is selfish of me. I know it is but....don't go," my chest hurt and I sat down abruptly on my bed just to keep myself from falling to the floor.<br />
<br />
"Becks, I have too. My father, he--"<br />
<br />
"Rebecca, I need your help with--oh, you're on the phone," my mother breezed into my bedroom but stopped when she saw my face. "Rebecca, what's wr--"<br />
<br />
I shook my head quickly to cut her off. "I gotta go Lance, my mom needs me."<br />
<br />
"Becks," he said quickly. "Becky wait," I heard him call me again as I pulled the phone away from my ear and hung up.<br />
<br />
"Rebecca, what's wrong? Your face is--" My mother came into the room and sat down on the bed beside me and I just crumbled. I laid my head on her shoulder and cried as I told her everything he'd said in our very short conversation. "Oh baby, I'm sorry."<br />
<br />
"Is it wrong for me to ask him not to go," I asked her, silently pleading for her to side with me on this one.<br />
<br />
My mother sighed and I already knew what she was going to say, "It is. I know you two had plans to go to college together but you have to ask yourself, what's best for him?"<br />
<br />
I struggled with that question for almost two days before I'd finally come up with an answer--he needed to go to UCLA. Lance had come by a few times during those two days but my mom had known I wasn't ready to face the reality of the situation and had steered him away for me. He'd called several times but I ignored each one.<br />
<br />
He finally broke down and sent me a text message: "If you don't come out of hiding tonight, then I'm storming your house and I don't care what your mother says."<br />
<br />
For the first time since he called me two days ago, I was able to smile. It was like a serene peace had fallen over my mood. In hindsight, I think it was because I had this unrealistic fantasy that our friendship would prevail despite being on opposite sides of the country.<br />
<br />
After that day we'd hung out almost everyday until it was time for us to take our separate paths. Because we'd always done everything together, we even planned our flights together. We left on the same day and almost the same time although my flight took off nearly an hour after his.<br />
<br />
"Okay, my gate is over this way," he said and pointed in the opposite direction of my gate.<br />
<br />
"I guess this is where we say goodbye," I said quietly and honestly tried to keep the tears out of my eyes although I could easily blame it on the fact that we'd just said our goodbyes to our families a mere ten minutes before.<br />
<br />
"You'll call me when you land," he asked sternly and even his voice had grown thick.<br />
<br />
I nodded because I didn't trust me voice anymore.<br />
<br />
"Okay, come here," he pulled me into his arms and we hugged. The hug lasted considerably longer than our usual hugs but it was like we both hadn't been able to let go.<br />
<br />
"You promise you'll keep in touch, right," I asked him even though my words were slightly muffled by his jacket.<br />
<br />
"Of course I will," he said and I could feel him nod.<br />
<br />
"And you'll study hard, right? And become a badass Marine Biologist?"<br />
<br />
"You know it," he said and hugged me tighter. "I know I won't be there but don't become a introverted bookworm, make some friends, okay? I'll expect introductions when I visit."<br />
<br />
I could no longer keep my tears from falling and hugged him back just as tight and simply nodded.<br />
<br />
It was another couple of minutes before Lance finally pulled away and helped me wipe my tears away. "Have a safe flight and call me when you land."<br />
<br />
I nodded and watched as he turned around and walked way from me.<br />
<br />
As promised, I had finally met some people and made friends after that first rough semester but Lance had never come to visit me and we'd grown apart almost every day since then.<br />
<br />
***<br />
<br />
<i>Present Day...</i><br />
<br />
I drove home after work and completely forgot to call Lance back; the day had been hectic due to deadlines and it didn't look to be any better the next day. I took off my heels as soon as I walked into my small apartment and nearly melted to the floor in relief. I loved wearing high heels but I loved coming home and taking them off almost as much. I set my purse on my kitchen table and lazily plodded my way to the couch before keeling over backwards and flopping onto it's cushions.<br />
<br />
"Man, I could stay like this for--"<br />
<br />
The sound of my phone ringing from the side pocket of my purse had me groaning. Ugh, let it go to voice mail, it was probably my co-worker wondering about some work-related crap I didn't want to deal with right now. I curled on my side facing the cushions and debated on taking a nap right then and there when I heard a knock on my door. What the--<br />
<br />
I got up slowly, not wanting to make too much noise and give away the fact that I was home and quietly made my way to the door. I looked through the peephole only to see nothing but darkness. Someone was covering the peephole. The person knocked again, more loudly this time and I jumped back.<br />
<br />
Who was at my door but more importantly, why didn't they want me to see them? I picked one of the high heels I'd just been wearing and held it like a weapon when I asked loudly, "Who's there?"<br />
<br />
There was silence and then another ominous three knocks. <br />
<br />
"Look, I don't have time for games, who's there?" I asked in my best no-nonsense voice I could muster.<br />
<br />
"Open the door," a gruff voice said that immediately made me uncomfortable.<br />
<br />
"Hell no. Who do you think you are? Get away from my door before I call the police," I said indignantly. Just who the hell was this?<br />
<br />
A burst of laughter came from the other side, a very familiar laugh, I might add.<br />
<br />
"L-Lance?" I quickly unlocked the door and swung it open only to see my friend nearly keeled over in laughter. "What is wrong with you? I almost called the police!"<br />
<br />
He looked up and saw the shoe in my hand and pointed it at that, "Is that suppose to be a weapon?"<br />
<br />
I quickly threw it back into my entryway and crossed my arms without answering him.<br />
<br />
"Channeling your best "Single White Female" impersonation, eh?" He was still chuckling but he'd finally straightened up and I finally got a good look at him after nearly four years.<br />
<br />
He's always looked the same, at least to me he did because we'd grown up together except, gone were the pimples and braces and instead, here stood a man. His light brown hair had always been kept short even though I was convinced he'd look good with longer hair--he'd never bothered to listen to me. He had bright brown eyes, the color of caramel but now he had glasses, they made him look slightly older but every bit as smart as I knew him to be. Although he'd been tall when we'd left for college, he'd grown at least another inch or so since then and the thin-as-rails boy had now filled out and became a man.<br />
<br />
The only thing that hadn't changed about him, well two things actually, was his sense of style which was still lazy-boy plain t-shirt and jeans and his contagious smile. All in all, he was very handsome.<br />
<br />
The silence dragged on awkwardly as we both just analyzed each other.<br />
<br />
"Can I come in or is it there a no-man policy?"<br />
<br />
I chuckled slightly, "No, yeah come in," I backed up and allowed him to pass the threshold. I shut the door behind him and locked it per usual and just let him peruse my place. Thankfully I kept it relatively clean, although the biggest clutter that could be accounted for was the various books I had around the entire place--it seemed like they were everywhere but where they should be which was the four, completely full, bookshelves in the living room.<br />
<br />
"You never seem to have enough room for all your books," he muttered as he picked up a stray book from my desk and read the title.<br />
<br />
"Yeah, I keep meaning to put up another bookshelf but," I waved my hand around my living room where most of my belongings already didn't fit. "As you can see, I don't have a lot of room for another one."<br />
<br />
"I see that," he said nodded and then the inevitable awkwardness set in. This had happened several times throughout the last eight years and I hated it. We'd never been awkward towards each other before but then again, times had changed a lot since then.<br />
<br />
"How did you know where I lived," I asked, suddenly realizing I'd never actually told him my address.<br />
<br />
"I called your mom while you were at work and asked, I thought I'd surprise you." He said and finally put the book down again. "So, where do you want to go to eat?"<br />
<br />
"I don't know," I shrugged. "What are you hungry for?"<br />
<br />
"Any good Mexican places around here," he asked.<br />
<br />
I scoffed, "You don't even like Mexican." I thought he was joking.<br />
<br />
"I, ah, well I do now," he said honestly and looked down at the floor and I assumed he was feeling the same way I was feeling. We didn't even know each other any more. I'd always loved Mexican food and getting him to eat it had been like pulling teeth and now he seemed to enjoy it just fine. I wonder when that had happened.<br />
<br />
"Hmm, good, it's good food," I said awkwardly. "Um, there's a good Mexican place not too far from here actually, let me just to change and we can head out."<br />
<br />
"Sure, sure," he said and watched me walked towards my bedroom.<br />
<br />
As happy as I was that he was in town, I couldn't shake the feeling that this was going to be the most awkward dinner of my life. It was sad enough to even have me wondering if we shouldn't just stop trying to keep this depressing friendship alive. I'd had the same thought four years ago when I saw him last during the Christmas right before my graduation from the university. We'd been awkward then too, as I recalled. I sighed and decided to take his lazy approach and changed into jeans and a t-shirt. It was still summer even though the weatherman kept saying that fall was on it's way but just to be safe, I threw on a loose over shirt just in case it got chilly later.<br />
<br />
I finger combed my hair and fixed my eye shadow before going back out to the living room. "I'm ready, you ready?"<br />
<br />
Lance had been fiddling with something on my coffee table and looked up rather guiltily when I walked back into the room. "I'm ready," he said too enthusiastically.<br />
<br />
"What were you--"<br />
<br />
"Nothing, let's go."<br />
<br />
I narrowed my eyes at him but shrugged anyway, "Okay," I grabbed my purse, slipped on my tennis shoes and we were off.<br />
<br />
***<br />
<br />
We decided to walk the few blocks because it was so nice out.<br />
<br />
"It must be nice to be close to everything like this," he said to start off the conversation.<br />
<br />
"It is," I agreed and stepped aside as a group of teenagers came bolting down the sidewalk. "Except on the weekends. It gets pretty loud. Between the teenagers," I cocked my head behind us to indicate the group that had just run past, "and the drunk-partiers, it can get pretty loud."<br />
<br />
"I bet. It was like that at UCLA too except it was every night," he laughed lightly. "Its a shock that UCLA even has the graduation rates it does and the dorms," he blew out a puff of air and shook his head in mock-dismay. "The horror stories I could tell you."<br />
<br />
"Well, if it's anything like "Van Wilder", then I can imagine," I laughed too.<br />
<br />
"Okay, maybe not that bad but it's close, it-it's close," he nodded. "How was it here?"<br />
<br />
It surprised me that we'd never actually talked about our school experiences. We'd always asked how the other one was but never really talked about our college life outside of academics.<br />
<br />
"It was good. Um, not a lot of partying but it's still college so there were a few times people got out of control. I guess it doesn't help that I wasn't really a part of the whole "college party" scene, I guess." This was a blatant lie. After my first semester of moping the loss of my best friend, I spent the second semester in a drunken haze. I'd make sure I finished all my homework during the week and on the weekends I partied with my new friends. It wasn't until my second year that I realized I couldn't drown my sorrows in alcohol and decided to leave the booze behind and focus solely on my academics. Most of the friends I'd made fell to the wayside after I gave up the partying and although I'd accumulated a handful of friends since, none of them could replace the one friend I'd lost.<br />
<br />
"You always were more of a homebody," he nudged me with his shoulder.<br />
<br />
"T'is true, I was," I nodded in agreement and looked embarrassingly towards the ground. There had been a time when the thought of withholding information from him had been inconceivable. "But I did have my moments." I don't know why I felt the need to say this but knowing Lance, he'd probably gone out and had a lot of fun while he was in California and I didn't want to make it seem like I hadn't moved on.<br />
<br />
"Oh really, please," he gave me the same "oogly" eyes as he had in the past when he thought I was hiding something interesting.<br />
<br />
"Ah, actually, it was nothing really," I tried to backtrack. In all honesty, the first time I drank my roommate at the time had dragged me to a sorority party where I'd gotten drunk way to fast and puked all over the front lawn. I had been so out of it that I'd almost fallen asleep on the grass before my roommate's boyfriend at the time took me back to our dorm room. He laid me out on the futon with a bottle of water, aspirin and the trash bin. It still gave me the creeps when I think about what <i>could </i>have happened had Bruce not been so Johnny-on-the-spot.<br />
<br />
"Doesn't sound like nothing," Lance pressed for more information. I broke down and told him a much watered down version of my one night of partying.<br />
<br />
"After that, I kind of stayed away from the whole drinking thing and just focused on my academics," I lied again and barely withheld a cringe. "I guess that makes me sound like an uber-nerd, huh?"<br />
<br />
"To be honest, it's kind of a relief," he said without a trace of humor in his voice now.<br />
<br />
"Why is that?"<br />
<br />
"I was afraid that college would change you and that without me there to protect you, that you'd get hurt," he said honestly and I was at a complete loss for words. "So I'm glad you didn't do a lot of partying, who knows what kind of trouble you could have gotten into."<br />
<br />
His words only made me feel guilty for lying. "Hey now, I can protect myself as my "heel-turned-weapon" illustrated earlier."<br />
<br />
"Yes, burglar's beware, this woman has killer shoes," he said in mock-horror as he pointed at me.<br />
<br />
"You're just lucky I didn't hit you with it, I almost did," I nodded in fake-consideration. "I could have killed you, you know."<br />
<br />
"I'm sure you could," he said.<br />
<br />
Our conversation ended as we reached the restaurant and were seated at a booth. The waitress took our drink order and then we were alone again. He didn't say anything right away so neither did I and the awkward silence dragged on once again. My mind kept circling the various things we could talk about but none of them came out of my mouth because I didn't know how to start the conversation. The silence finally became so loud that I couldn't take it and just blurted the first thing to come to mind, "So what happened that you all of a sudden like Mexican food now?"<br />
<br />
...Okay, that came out way more forcefully than I had planned. It sounded like I wanted to pick a fight. Luckily for me, Lance only smiled and seemed to understand my intentions, "Well, it's hard not too when there are so many Mexican restaurants out there, plus there was a girl."<br />
<br />
I ignored the small hitch in my chest and picked up my menu to try and hide my face from view. Of course he'd had a girlfriend, he was a great guy and very easy on the eyes, I couldn't resist rolling my eyes. Thankfully the menu blocked him from seeing. "Ah, there's always a girl." I said, cool and calmly. <br />
<br />
"Well, there really was only ever one but," he shook his head as if to say it didn't matter. "Anyway, this girl, her parents were from Mexico and she invited a bunch of us to a get together at her parents house one night and it was just, incredible."<br />
<br />
I couldn't ignore the pang of jealousy that hit after he said this, however. The impressed look on his face as he said these words only made the separation between us all the more bigger. We used to do everything together and I just couldn't pull myself out of the past so hearing all these things he'd done without me only made me hurt.<br />
<br />
"Most of her family was there, and she had a big family, and everyone brought food and there was music and beer and the party lasted until the early morning. It was just incredible how close her entire family was and they made the rest of us feel welcome, of course I didn't understand much of what was said that night because it was all in Spanish but the feel of the atmosphere was great."<br />
<br />
"That's...awesome," Okay, Rebecca, don't sound so damn depressed when you say that. "That's awesome, it sounds like a wonderful experience. Are you guys still dating?" Why would you ask that? I wanted to thump myself on the forehead with my menu, you don't even want to know.<br />
<br />
"What? No, no, we were never dating. She was just a friend, it was our Christmas vacation at the time and it was one of the years I couldn't go home so she invited us over to her place so we wouldn't have to spend Christmas in the dorms."<br />
<br />
I felt a little relieved that he'd never dated this girl but not much considering he'd all but confirmed he'd dated someone at some point during his college years. "That was nice of her, and her family, I guess, to let you all share in the holidays. That's great."<br />
<br />
"Yeah it was," he nodded one last time at the memory and then focused back on me. "Anyway, I don't know if it was just the circumstances I was in or the taste of the food itself but ever since then, I've grown rather fond of Mexican food."<br />
<br />
"Lucky for me then, huh," I smiled without sincerity.<br />
<br />
"What about you, was there ever a boy in your life," he asked nonchalantly but I was lucky enough to not have to answer because the server brought our drinks and asked for our orders. She took our menus and thus, took my only line of defense against having to really look at him.<br />
<br />
I thought I had gotten out of having to answer except Lance didn't let me forget, "So, any boyfriends I should know about?"<br />
<br />
I wanted to lie and say I'd had plenty but he'd see right through that, considering I only had one boyfriend in high school and it hadn't last long because he couldn't stand the fact that I'd had a male best friend. "Well, between my lack of partying and academic dedication, I must admit that I did not have any takers." I tried not to sound bitter but it was very difficult. "Surprise, surprise," I said and tried to laugh it off. Okay, now <i>that </i>sounded bitter.<br />
<br />
The conversation lulled after that and I prayed for the cooks to hurry up so we could get our food. The silence would seem infinitely less awkward if we were both eating.<br />
<br />
"Are you okay, Becks? You seem unhappy," he asked me in a serious tone and it was <i>not </i>where I wanted to take this conversation.<br />
<br />
"What? No, not at all, I'm just tired," I tried to sound earnest. "It was a long day with deadlines and tomorrow isn't going to be any better. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to drag down the conversation."<br />
<br />
"You didn't, I'm just worried," he said and gave me a concerned look that I didn't waste time deciphering.<br />
<br />
"It's been a long time since I've had you worry about me," I said casually and purposefully took a sip of my ice tea.<br />
<br />
"I've never stopped worry about you," he admitted.<br />
<br />
I wanted to roll my eyes. Yeah, it must have been crippling. Is that why I've only seen you a handful of times in the last eight years? Of course I didn't say any of this, and kept a smile pasted to my face even though my thoughts were dark. Our food arrived shortly after and besides asking each other how our food was, we didn't talk during the meal.<br />
<br />
While we sat in silence, I took the time to get my head back to where it needed to be; Lance and I had grown apart, it's just what happens when two childhood friends grew up and became adults. I had been holding on the past for far too long and it was time to wake up and smell the reality. Lance and I were never going to be best friends again and it was as simple as that. I decided then and there I would just enjoy the time I had with Lance before he left again and continue on with my life.<br />
<br />
"So, what are you doing in Maine anyway?" I asked as I forked more enchilada into my mouth.<br />
<br />
"I'm giving a lecture for the University of Maine, as fate would have it," he chuckled and I nodded in interest. "They're trying to establish a good marine biology department and get people interested in the subject and one of my old professions gave them my name."<br />
<br />
"Hey, look at you, Mr. Badass Marine Biologist," I nodded in approval.<br />
<br />
"I made you a promise, didn't I," he said casually but his eyes looked a little to intense so I gave a small smile and looked down at my food.<br />
<br />
"Ah yes, I guess you did," I shrugged to make it look like his words didn't bother me. "Are you nervous," I asked to get the subject back on track.<br />
<br />
"A little, it'll be my first lecture but I feel pretty confident in the material so I think it'll go alright," he pulled at his earlobe while he said the last part. I knew that meant he was more nervous than he was letting on. I guess some things never changed.<br />
<br />
"Well, whatever you do, don't do <i>that</i> during the lecture," I teased and pointed my fork at his hand which abruptly let go of his ear and disappeared under the table.<br />
<br />
"You know me so well," he laughed shyly.<br />
<br />
Well, I used too, I thought.<br />
<br />
***<br />
<br />
By the time we finished eating we had talked about his lecture, what he planned to say, his works overseas and I was happy the conversation never steered in my direction. It was easier if we just focused on him so every time the conversation lagged, I made sure to ask another question about him. He didn't seem to mind or even notice that I was averting all the attention in his direction and I was grateful. I think if I shared too much of myself, I'd feel empty when he left again.<br />
<br />
"Well I had a good time tonight," I told him with hardly any inflection in my voice at all. "I'm glad you hammered out sometime for me."<br />
<br />
The smile on his face seemed to fall just a little at my words, "I know I've been pretty terrible at that the last few years," he stuck his hands in his jeans and I just shrugged even though a thousand things wanted to come out of my mouth.<br />
<br />
"Our lives changed and took us in different directions," I shrugged again to try and keep this particular time bomb from blowing. "That's life."<br />
<br />
"It wasn't that easy for me," he said slowly and I wanted so bad to look at him but I was afraid he'd see all the pain in my heart in my eyes so I continued to stare at my keys in my hand. "I missed you."<br />
<br />
"Let's not go there," I tried to chuckle but it ended on a small hitch that belayed my fake casualness.<br />
<br />
"I missed you so much sometimes that I considered leaving UCLA and marine biology behind," his hand reached out and took the keys from my hand so I had nothing to look at besides the zig-zag pattern of carpet beneath my feet. "Will you look at me?"<br />
<br />
"Look, Lance, it's in the past and we're still friends so there's no point in rehashing it," I reached for my keys but his hand gripped mine.<br />
<br />
"You were my best friend, <i>are </i>my best friend," he corrected. "Seeing you now only makes me realize how lonely I've been without you for the last eight years. I thought about you all the time, and when I did see you on holidays or during the summer months, it only made me miss you more. Becks, will you please look at me?"<br />
<br />
"No," I ripped the keys out of his hand and expertly found the right key and unlocked my apartment quickly. The only problem was I had to turn my back to him to do it and the movement gave him the opportunity to wrap his arms around my waist and give me a tight back hug.<br />
<br />
"But when I would see you during those times, you were so distant," he muttered into the hair behind my right ear. "You seemed so far away that all I could do was give you the space I thought you wanted. Your mom would tell me you missed me but your actions told me otherwise. I thought she was just assuming you missed me."<br />
<br />
My strength began to fail me and I leaned my forehead against my door and just tried not to cry. "I did miss you. Not being able to talk to you every day and see you," I took a deep breath. "It was the hardest time in my life. But you never called, never came to visit me, we just drifted farther apart so I knew you had moved on."<br />
<br />
He gripped me tighter and pressed his face deeper into my neck like he couldn't get close enough to me. "I never moved on. I didn't call because I didn't want to hold you back. I was so afraid you would seclude yourself from everyone so I didn't want to be the reason you didn't make other friends."<br />
<br />
"Did you ever consider what I would do if you <i>didn't </i>call me?" I pushed away from the door abruptly and caused him to trip over his own feet and he had to let me go so he could catch himself on the opposite wall. "I <i>did</i> seclude myself. I failed almost every class that first semester until I realized that our friendship wouldn't withstand the length of a whole country," a stray tear slid from my eye and I dashed it away angrily.<br />
<br />
"Becks--"<br />
<br />
"I made friends my second semester and I no longer cared about anything. I drank all the time and mourned your loss until I woke up and smelled the destruction!" I barely stopped my voice from rising and told him in a furiously calm voice.<br />
<br />
"I thought you said you didn't drink much," he looked perplexed.<br />
<br />
"I lied! God," I ran a hand through my hair. "I didn't want to admit to anyone how pathetic I had become without you."<br />
<br />
"Becks--"<br />
<br />
"Stop calling me that," I dashed another stray tear away and all the fight when out of me. My little burst of anger washed away with the utter sadness of the situation and I took a deep breath. "Like I said, it's in the past and it's over. We'll never be what we were."<br />
<br />
Lance, lightening fast, gripped my arm and stopped me from turning around to go inside and pulled me into his arms. He gripped me tightly, "It's not over for me and I don't want to go back to being your friend."<br />
<br />
I had been trying to pull away but his words shot a lance through my heart and I stopped moving.<br />
<br />
"I love you Rebecca," he said my whole name which meant he was being serious. "I don't want to be without you anymore. I came here for a lecture, yes, but I'm also interviewing for a teaching position for the new marine biology department. I'm moving here," he said and huffed out a breath like he'd been holding that in all night.<br />
<br />
"What are you saying," I asked in a whisper.<br />
<br />
"I'm saying the last eight years have been the hardest of my life and I can't do it any more, I can't be without you any more. I don't know when it happened, when friendship turned into love but I love you," he pulled back and lifted my chin gently so I was looking at him. "I love you."<br />
<br />
He pulled me into a hug and suddenly I felt like I was back at the airport but instead of saying goodbye, we were saying hello to each other. I hugged him back with everything I had. I couldn't repeat the words back to him even though I'd felt those words for as long as I could remember but I still had so much pain in my heart that I felt if I gave him that last part of me, I'd break down into nothingness. So we just hugged each other with everything we couldn't give each other for the eight years we were apart.<br />
<br />
***<br />
<br />
Lance interviewed and got the job a few days later. He moved into a separate apartment in the same building as me and we officially dated for six months before he proposed. Of course, I said yes.<br />
<br />
That was three years ago and we've been happy ever since. In fact, I didn't think I'd ever be this happy again, not since Lance walked out of my life eleven years ago. It didn't take long for us to get over the hurt and the bitterness we felt over what had happened during those eight years and we soon found ourselves enjoying the same easiness from before our college years except now it was different, we were in love rather than just being friends.Aunniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15498782048239279549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-945360422188709746.post-40011700350768666322015-08-29T20:14:00.000-07:002015-08-29T20:16:06.699-07:00Experiences Of A New Mother: Sleep When Baby SleepsIf you are about to have a baby and you--ignorantly--ask for advice, everyone <i>and their mother</i> will say: "Sleep when baby sleeps."<br />
<br />
It sounds like common sense and I would automatically reply with "Well, of course!" Maybe you chuckled and maybe you didn't.<br />
<br />
Trust me, there is no "of course" about it.<br />
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Maybe you take this advice to heart and listen to it when your beautiful bundle of joy arrives or maybe you are like me . . . totally ignorant to what was about to happen to your sleeping habits.<br />
<br />
I think I secretly wanted to believe that my bundle would sleep mostly at night and that this piece of advice would somehow just not pertain to me.<br />
<br />
I was so very wrong.<br />
<br />
This piece of advice was irrelevant during our hospital stay; attempting to stay awake while the baby was sleeping was not only useless but usually met with burning eyes and a desire to crawl under a rock to regain some of the energy lost during childbirth. With well-wishers and family members streaming into our room at all hours of the day, getting quality sleep was difficult. Unless it was after visiting hours and even then, the baby needs to be fed every two or three hours.<br />
<br />
Once we were home, getting some sleep was a little bit easier especially since our little bundle could not be breastfed and we had to rely solely upon bottle feedings. This meant that Daddy could step up to the plate while Mama got some sleep. At least, the first week was pretty easy.<br />
<br />
Don't worry, I'm getting my point . . .<br />
<br />
Eventually Daddy had to go back to work and I was left alone with baby for eight or so hours at a time. Coupled with the fact that it was mutually agreed upon that I would be getting up mostly at night, by myself, because I was not working at the time, it is needless to say I was exhausted. So, when our bundle managed to get to sleep <i>and</i> allowed me to put him down (that is a topic for another blog post), I mean, <i>obviously</i> sleeping was the last thing on my mind. Well, that's a lie, it was usually the first thing on my mind but last thing I wanted to actually do!<br />
<br />
I would do all the things required of me, such as going to the bathroom, grabbing something to eat, and taking a few seconds to remember that I had an existence outside of being a permanent couch to the bundle. However, once all these things were handled, there were things such as reading, perusing the internet, and the occasional chore (laundry, dishes, etc.) to entertain my wakeful mind.<br />
<br />
It became pretty clear that this would a problem. Our bundle always seemed to instinctively known when he was no longer being held. Although getting him to sleep and resting in the swing, bouncer, etc., was pretty easily accomplished<i>, keeping </i>him asleep was another battle entirely. At first, I couldn't accomplish more than a bathroom break and maybe making a sandwich--note that I said 'make', not 'eat'. This all meant that when the bundle went to bed at night with Daddy, Mama would have "her" time. Usually it began with watching T.V. while pumping, however, eventually it became reading, writing, or playing a game until the wee hours of the morning (one or two in the morning).<br />
<br />
By the time I would go to bed, the little bundle would wake up and want to spent the next few hours awake--you know, the time I wanted to actually be sleeping. This was soon exacerbated when we were told our little bundle of grumpy-joy had colic and our nights and days seemed to be getting longer and longer. Sleep for all people involved was hard to come by. Still, I persisted in having me-time and stayed awake longer than I should have until, what we call, "Fateful Monday' happened.<br />
<br />
This particular Monday happened during the height of our bundle's colic, I got sick and heavily relied upon Daddy during the night and the subsequent day (Daddy took the day off of work) but we were most definitely tag-teaming our little one because our poor boy wouldn't sleep for more than twenty minutes at a time.<br />
<br />
Still with me? Good.<br />
<br />
That is the day it finally clicked for me. Suddenly, the me-time took a back burner for a later time when it would not be an impediment to myself and my bundle. Late nights ceased and I finally began sleeping when the baby slept. I realized that night times were not nearly as rough for me and therefore rough for my bundle. I was able to function a little more peacefully with a few hours of sleep.<br />
<br />
It was a hard transition for me because prior to pregnancy I would often stay up until three in the morning and do . . . well . . .whatever I was into at the time. However, times had changed I needed to change with them or be in a constant state of irritated exhaustion around my bundle.<br />
<br />
Sleep while your bundle is sleeping because 1) if you are a new mother, you'll need it more than you know and 2) it will help make you a more patient mother when you are rested. You'll never get as much sleep as you feel is necessary--especially if your bundle has colic--but you'll find a happy medium after enough time.<br />
<br />
Even now I have to remind myself that it won't be like this for long--Darius Rucker, anyone?--and that when this passes, I will regain my me-time and still get enough sleep to surround my bundle with happy and peaceful emotions during the waking hours. Until then, my books will have to collect a few layers of dust and my muse will have to understand that "right now is just not a good time."<br />
<br />
From one mother to another . . .<br />
<br />
Sleep while the baby sleeps.Aunniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15498782048239279549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-945360422188709746.post-22426914812503855952015-06-16T09:58:00.000-07:002015-06-16T10:05:00.744-07:00Child of Psychology: A Blessed Curse<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
Ever had a friend that could relate to any situation? Always had a story that could somehow reflect what was going on in your life? Had some life hack that would help you deal with any problem you encounter? And all you wanted them to do was listen to you and sympathize. Well, that's kind of what it's like when one of your parents is a psychologist and I'll be the first to admit that it gets old . . . real fast.<br />
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Being the child of a psychologist is a lot like having a walking textbook always at your disposal. For a while it is great; you can reference it whenever you need, the answers are always there--right at your fingertips but eventually, like all textbooks do after you carry it around for awhile, it becomes a burden. The textbook grows heavy and suddenly having it becomes more of a nuisance than it is a blessing. Rather than referencing the textbook whenever you need it, the textbook starts opening to random pages and showing you it's contents without warning and without request. The nicely laminated textbooks begins to look a little like this . . .<br />
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And yes . . . that is a Harry Potter reference.<br />
<br />
In my limited experience, a psycho-parent--as in a parent with a psychology degree--looses their ability to turn off their inner Freud and remember what it was like to be a parent. In theory, every parent wishes they had a psych degree to help raise their children; understanding why a child does what it does can be invaluable but the art of being subjective gets lost at some point. Some would argue that being subjective can be a bad thing but in actuality, a child doesn't want to be treated as if they lack unique personal traits--like they are just a number in a statistic.<br />
<br />
I'll give you an example situation: a child comes home from school with a complaint about something a friend might have said during lunch. The parent and child might sit down to discuss the situation and suddenly the living room might start to look a little something like this . . .<br />
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<br />
and then the questions start rolling in.<br />
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"Why do you think So'n'so said that?", "How did that make you feel?", and "Here's how I would handle the situation . . . " and before you know it, the situation has been so psychoanalyzed that the child walks away feeling frustrated and not feeling that much needed relief of just getting it off their chest. Now they're upset because "You don't understand."<br />
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<br />
A child doesn't always want the reasons <i>why</i> something happened, they just want someone to know what happened. In my own personal experience, I've grown used to having to say to my own psycho-parent "I just want you to listen. I don't need an explanation or a psychological evaluation of the situation." This is usually met with a quiet pause and careful acknowledgement of my request.<br />
<br />
Far be it of me to only discuss the problems of the child; one of the complaints my psycho-parent has is the lack of acknowledgement of their profession from their children--my two siblings and myself. For me personally, my psycho-parent is my father. His frustration stems from the idea that he is "more than just 'dad'" and he wishes we'd utilize him as more than just simply a parent. As much as I can objectively acknowledge his frustration and even understand it--a little--what he fails to understand is that most children just want their 'mom' and 'dad'. A child does not need 'Mom the Lawyer' or 'Dad the Psychologist', they simply want their parent.<br />
<br />
The exceptions to this rule, of course, being when a child is in need of their parent's professional services and if you're lucky, not necessarily at the same time--in my case.<br />
<br />
For the past several years, the running joke in my family is that I could simply test out for a psychology degree. My father often listens to me and says that I should be a psychologist simply because I know so much about the subject--he is not alone in this thought. Other people have suggested the same choice in profession. I believe there to be a time and a place for psychology and I would never dispute the need for it, however, I often tell my father to keep such things as far away from me as possible.<br />
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There are times I wish I could tell my father that I just want 'dad'. I don't need the psychologist. I've grown up and a lot of things in life are learned as you grow--as you experience--and not everything needs to be taught to a thirteen year old who is learning that hormones are a bitch. I want to tell him that his way of "teaching" as a parent can actually do more harm than good and last longer than if you allow your child to go through things naturally.<br />
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I don't want to imply that my father is a bad person. He's not. His heart is in the right place but he needs to learn to listen without running everything through a textbook. He needs to realize the world does not simply run on statistics. He needs to remember what his mentor taught him...shit happens and sometimes you just gotta go with it.Aunniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15498782048239279549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-945360422188709746.post-27208256299574310752014-08-17T22:15:00.000-07:002014-08-17T23:11:25.106-07:00A Stress-Induced Enlightened State<div style="text-align: center;">
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Reaching the point of stressed-induced enlightened state has been quite the experience. It's not only made me quite freer but it's almost made me understand more of myself. Or perhaps I've just started to spout so much bullshit to keep me going that it's begun to sound pretty darn good to my own ears.<br />
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I'm a bit...ranty...today. It's just been one of those days.<br />
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On Friday I got into an verbal altercation with my landlord wherein she attempted to intimidate me into thinking she had power over me that she did not, in fact, have. Unfortunately and rather embarrassingly for her, I happen to be knowledgeable of real estate law on account of the fact that I am a law clerk for a Real Estate Law Firm. I did not hesitate to initiate what someone might term my "bitchy" voice--I would rather describe it as my forceful and hyper-polite "teacher" voice--wherein I described, in detail, the <i>many</i> ways in which the situation was handled wrong, the number of ways in which it could have been corrected and <u style="font-style: italic;">exactly</u> how I was going to rectify her mistake on Monday. By the end of the conversation, she agreed on all parts, accepted my wish that she have a good weekend and agreed to see me on Monday. I considered the situation handled and promptly forgot about it after logging it away as a situation to blog about after going on a camping trip which is exactly what I have just done. *swipes invisible tally in the air* Job well done!</div>
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My comments on the entire situation is--don't mess with me. Of course, no one would think to mess with another person upon just meeting them. I would love to assume that in this world, no one purposefully messes with another person just to simply mess with another person but unfortunately that isn't how this world works. It's a sad reality. However, if you're going to mess with someone, make sure your threat is a valid one--not a flimsy excuse to intimidate someone--especially if you don't know if that person easily intimidatable! (I'm aware that is not a real world--but it should be! How is edible a word but not intimidatable? Or should it be intimidible? I'm sure there is an English linguist out there who understands the intricacies of the English language who can tell you which suffix properly fits the "a" vowel-root ending.) Anyway!!! I am not an easily intimidatable person. Back me into a corner and I often resort to fighting my way out--you'll find that people who got backed into corners a lot when they were younger either go one of two ways as adults (the "fight-or-flight" response, if you will): 1) continue to get backed into corners; or 2) learn to fight their way out. I learned to fight. Bringing my comments to a close, her attempt at intimidation failed and I have a meeting with her tomorrow and I'm hoping we'll come to an amicable agreement. If not, well I work for a great goddamn real estate attorney. *shrugs*</div>
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Next on the list; this has been a pet peeve of mine for a while and I know I can't be the only one so let's just get this subject of debate out there and in the open! Ladies and Gentlemen, BOYS AND GIRLS--Just because <u style="font-style: italic;">you</u> sent <u style="font-style: italic;">me</u> a text message....<u style="font-style: italic;">does not mean I am obligated to send you a message back.</u> If I am sleeping, gaming, talking to someone, using the bathroom or otherwise preoccupied--I may NOT be able to get back to you immediately. I may be cooking, driving, working, and/or watching my favorite TV show...I am not required to text you back right away. In fact, in all honestly, At any given moment of the week, I may be leaving work, driving home, making dinner, going to a friends, taking with said friends, going home, watching a KDrama and then going to bed. All of which require a great deal of attention. As an example, that right there is an average Monday night for me. Bowling is starting soon--Let me describe a typical Wednesday night starting in September: Working, coming home, making my husband dinner, bowling in a signal-deadened bowling alley for 3 hours, going home, hanging with friends until midnight, sleep and then work. *listens to the crickets* No, I may or may not get around to texting you back right away. Please understand. I beg you.</div>
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Added to that rant, Yes. I'll say it now for everyone to read. Sometimes, I do open my text messages, read messages, realize it's going to involve several ongoing messages back and forth and I tell myself: "I'll text them later when I can actually talk to them." and simply forget to. This happens to several people. Not just one specific person. It doesn't happen because I hate you. It doesn't happen because I'm a bitch. You <i>all </i>know me, if you know me, then you MUST know that I have a terrible memory and will most undoubtedly have a comically fond memory of me forgetting something that will, even now, make you chuckle and think, "Oh, haha, that girl..." as you smile. So before getting angry at me while staring at your phone while the minutes or hours pass by as your text goes unanswered, send me a text back and say "Hey there busy girl, knock knock?" This message is not for everyone, there are those who <u>do not</u> get angry with me and I hope you know who you are, to those of you who I speak to now, thank you. I appreciate your understanding of the fact that I am, in fact, a <i>very</i> busy woman and I love each and everyone one of you more for understanding me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. </div>
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Now, if you send me a message once a day and I haven't responded for three weeks--take the hint and stop messaging me. Has that ever, EVER, happened to any of you? Yeah....I didn't think so. </div>
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I had a wonderful weekend this past weekend and I came home to reality and it was just like "Really? Really? I couldn't be home more than five hours and this just..." *sigh* Life keeps chugging along and it's nice to get a vacation every once in a while, get out on the lake, catch a few fish, laugh with some family, but damn, does it make coming home so much harder sometimes. </div>
Aunniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15498782048239279549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-945360422188709746.post-26926878187922275682014-08-02T13:20:00.001-07:002014-08-02T13:20:39.149-07:00Even My Dad Does SometimesI've been listening to Ed Sheeran's "Even My Dad Does Sometimes" almost every day. The song is sad and the picture the lyrics paint is a rather dismal picture but this song has become very importantly to me lately. It's exactly how I feel almost every day. Especially the line "Live life like you're giving up. 'Cause you act like you are." And I feel like that's how I've been acting lately.<br />
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Haha, I say 'lately' as if it's just been a week or two. More like five or six months. Such is life.<br />
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"It's alright to die, 'cause death is the only thing you haven't tried" is another line that brings me comfort because it's true. Granted, I haven't tried everything I'd like to but death truly is the ultimate challenge and we only get to experience it once. That's why the phrase "Go out like a bang" was created, wasn't it? "Go ahead and just live it up" is another lyric that makes the earlier phrases even more legitimate. You only die once so live it up, do it with style. Death should mean something, any time a person dies, it should mean something. Whether it makes people mourn, cry or feel vindicated, a death should mean something. It's only cruel if they die for no reason. If no one cares about a death, that's truly sad. There are more and more deaths happening that people just don't care about. Is it because we've become to de-sensitized? Maybe...but is <i>everyone</i> de-sensitized? No. At least I'm not...I can say that with 100% percent accuracy.<br />
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Today I put my renaissance outfit on for the first time since last October. It was comforting. I imagine a day will come and I'll put my wedding dress on. It would be too sad to put a wedding dress on only once in a person's lifetime. It's been two years--nearly at least--since I've been married and I've warn it a total of..3 times since then...I think... I've mastered zipping it up from behind and everything! It truly was a beautiful dress. Most women think their wedding dresses are beautiful but most think back and go "Oh, I should have went with this type" or wish they'd had a special feature. I guess I'm not completely immune to this sentiment. I wish my dress had a corset tie in the back but alas, the rest of the dress was so perfect that I was perfectly okay with a zipper. And God, I looked beautiful in it. I know that makes me sound conceited but I don't care. I looked so goddamn good in my dress it was amazing. I've never felt so beautiful in my life. I hope and pray ever woman who gets married feels the exact same way I do about my wedding day. Supreme happiness. I was marrying the man I love, I looked beautiful and I felt like a planet for once--in the sense that everyone was there and their focus was all about me--and my husband of course but... What I'm trying to say is I've never felt that before in my entire life. I absolutely cherish that memory for so many reasons...it'd be too hard to count them.<br />
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I know I sound like a shallow piece of shit but I don't feel like one.<br />
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I listened to the Cavalia soundtrack--I almost said OST, tee hee--today for the first time in a long time and felt like editing my manuscript. Recently my manuscript, or the idea of losing my manuscript, had me in tears with a full blown panic attack. It's made me realize how much that manuscript meant to me. Each word on the 200+ pages is precious to me. Of course that reminded me of the story I've been telling on this very blog--Nae Chingu--and I've felt ashamed for abandoning my characters. Ji Soo most especially, every once in awhile he starts shouting in my head that he's got a confession to make and it's been boiling up inside of him but he needs me to get them out. I suspect the confession, when it does take place, will be rather...boisterous. *shakes head* Poor Ji Soo...but mostly especially poor Mae Ri...she won't even know how to handle it. Thankfully she's got a newly healed Lilliana to help her process it. And of course there are her parents, Lilliana's I mean. Her parents are coming and don't even get me <i>started </i>on how Jong Hwa is going to make Lilliana pay him back. Oh Lilliana...you don't even know.<br />
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How did this blog start out by me talking about death and end up with the friends in my head? Haha, life is strange sometimes.<br />
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Annyeong Yeoreobun! Saranghae. Totally informal, but what are you gonna do? *shakes head*Aunniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15498782048239279549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-945360422188709746.post-44795751514616983822014-07-19T09:46:00.003-07:002014-07-19T09:46:14.446-07:00A Letter to Firnlambe...Our friendship came as a bit of a surprise, didn't it? *chuckles* Considering you didn't even like me when we first met. Hell, you don't even <i>remember</i> our first meeting! Bitch...<div>
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You were the friend I wished for when I was younger. Don't get me wrong, I had friends that I hung out with and whatnot but I could probably count on my two hands how many "sleepovers" I had. My mom kept us a bit...secluded...and sleepovers only really happened for special events and even then, I had to be home pretty early the following day. </div>
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Now I have sleepovers <i>all</i> the time and they can last for days. Well, we used too any way. Things have been a little too complicated lately to have as many sleepovers as we used too but hey, that's life right? </div>
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You're probably wondering why I am writing this to you but...I have no reason other than to show my appreciate towards you for the whole interwebs to see. Last night--you know what I'm talking about--you kept your head and dealt with my craziness in stride rather than looking at me like "What the fuck..." which means more to me than you'll ever know. This isn't the first time it's happened in front of you, either. You get enough people to look at you like "What the fuck..." and it starts to leave a mark on people's psyche. </div>
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I'm not perfect and you know that. In fact, many things are <i>different</i> for me, *chuckles*. But you accept it even when I can see that it annoys you. </div>
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I'm not saying we won't ever fight in the future or have our days that we literally repel each other--case in point, B.A.P--but knowing that it's temporary and I can always come back to you and know it'll always be alright, means the absolute world to me. </div>
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Kamsahamnida jeongmal, Eonni.</div>
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Touch my Kyuhyun though, and I'll forget I ever wrote these words. ;) Saranghamnida. </div>
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Aunniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15498782048239279549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-945360422188709746.post-28244861012074411312014-07-18T21:23:00.001-07:002014-07-20T21:03:24.931-07:00Two pennies for the show...<p dir="ltr">You learn a lot a out yourself when you think about hurting yourself. I can laugh at it nowadays even though at the time, it felt terrible. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Here's an example: Whats the difference between someone purposefully burning themselves and those who purposefully cutting themselves? The end result is the same right? Pain.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Well any woman who has given birth will tell you there are different levels of pain. Hell, I suppose a man who has ever been kicked in the testicles, will tell you there are different levels of pain. To me, this is fact--unless you are one of the people with the rare disorder Congenital Insensitivity to Pain w/anhidrosis, or CIPA. Then...obviously you dont feel pain. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Its not very different with Burning or Cutting--it brings on pain as a way of--for some people like me--releasing built up emotion that is otherwise unable to find an outlet. </p>
<p dir="ltr">But burning lasts longer and hurts more than cutting. Cutting is a sharp pain--fire leaves more of a duller, slow pain. But not even just the pain that goes intobconsideration. There's the aftercare!</p>
<p dir="ltr">If we are discussing those who do not cut with the intention of killing themselves, cutting is the easier way to go. Its a sharp, quick pain that merely hurts for a few hours. Burns are not quite so easy. Burns automatically sends the "area of damage" into lockdown, crisis mode in the sense that it enlists the immune system into helping take care of the burned skin. The healing starts immediately but takes days to finish. Burns are also more susceptible to infection. At any moment, necrotizing fascitiis (or skin eating bacteria) could be on our skin and if you get that little guy in your burned area--well you might as well say goodbye to your appendage and if you dont catch it in time, you might just say goodbye to your life. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Because the body is having to regrow several milimeters of new skin, which has 5 layers in and of itself , the spot becomes tender for much longer than that of a razor cut. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Most people choose to have a quicker healing process. I, for example, needed to heal quickly so I could hide it better. Not to mention, I didnt want to deal with the medicinal care that burns require. Nope, slice and dice, get my emotional-release fix and Im on my way.  </p>
<p dir="ltr">Not very many people understand cutting besides those who have taken part in it but let me assure you, we do get something out of it. Its akin to taking a deep breath and saying "Whoo-saaa". However,  the feeling and reasons behind cutting differ for everyone. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I promised mh husband many years ago--never thought Id be in a relationship long enough to say "many years ago" but that is a pure sign of me getting older--anywho, I promised my husband that I wouldn't cut anymore. I have relapsed a couple timea over the past eight years but have (for the most part) kept my end of the bargain. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I have found an alternative! Tattoos! Same level of pain, same level of emotional release but eirh artwork instead of scars. Ive also heard of "scarification"--the act of slicing the skin with the intention of decorative scarring. </p>
<p dir="ltr">That would be a long way off because I very much doubt that when my husband said "We'll discuss it in the future" that he actually had any intention of letting me allow someone to purposefully cut my skin. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I suppose by now I sound positively insane. *shrugs* Im not but then again, I suppose every insane person denies their insanity. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Maybe thinking that we arent insane is insanity itself. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Fuck philosphy. I took it in college my first semester. Surprised the heck out of me when I passed. Math, on the other hand, I had to take twice. But not philosophy.  </p>
<p dir="ltr">My father told me I should be a psychologist because I have pretty good  insight but I think all psycologists are either 1) have spent their life trying to self-diagnose themselves; and/or 2) are trying to hide their own fucked up nature. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I put little to no stock in it, depending on the subject. If we are talking actual mental development issues, Im all for using psycology as a way for helping people. If we are talking about why "mommy/daddy didnt love me"-type situations, then please leave me out of it.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Which type of psycologist do you think are in my family?</p>
<p dir="ltr">Yup, that about sums it up. </p>
<p dir="ltr">-<u>Aunnie</u><br>
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Aunniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15498782048239279549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-945360422188709746.post-68794329514542919362014-07-17T10:32:00.003-07:002014-07-17T10:32:50.173-07:00A penny's worth....I have to go back and get another MRI. My head problems started almost a year ago--September will be the anniversary.<br />
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I wish I didn't hope it was cancer. This is the thought that floats around my head and it's terrifying. The cancer part isn't terrifying. It'd almost be a relief because then I'd know what was causing the fluid build up in my brain.<br />
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No, the terrifying part would be what would happen afterwards. Would my family worry about me? I'm not stupid enough to think that they wouldn't be worried or scared but would they show the same amount of worry--emotion, in general--that they show my sister?<br />
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You want to talk about sibling rivalry? I feel like I'm always at the bottom of the totem pole in my family and right at the top, the very highest position, is my sister in all her unsettling glory. It's been like that since the age of 13. Thirteen years later and I'm circling the same wrestling match against my sister and winner takes all. I'm usually the loser.<br />
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The first time I felt special in this family was last September when I was sick. I was in such pain that I could no longer hold it inside. My mom took care of me. She made me stay at her house just so she could take care of me. And when I finally discovered why I was sick, she looked so concerned for me that I felt like a horrible person for feeling good even while being sick. I made a lot of people worry and it felt good. I'm a despicable person for feeling that way, I know it.<br />
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My family expects me to be strong; I can't fall apart no matter what the occasion because well...I never have before. But I want to so bad that I can't seem to get my mind off of all the possible ways I could make my life a wreck. I want to smoke cigarettes in front of them just to appall them but I don't. Why? I don't want to disappoint them--and they will be disappointed. I just want to make them worry. I want to scare them into remembering that I'm a daughter too. I'm not a colleague, I'm not a friend, I'm <i>their </i>daughter.<br />
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The only thing holding me together is these medications and my husband. My husband has held me together for nearly 8 years but now I need support myself with medication. Now I just feel tired. I would never give up on life but I want to.<br />
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These just seem like a lot of crazy ramblings from a crazy person and I <i>am</i> a crazy person. I love who I am. I just wish I felt like I was worth what I know I am worth in my heart to my parents.<br />
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I was born to fix a marriage and to provide companionship for my older sister. Is that all I'm destined to be? I hope not.<br />
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-AunnieAunniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15498782048239279549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-945360422188709746.post-85433032070420903152014-07-16T22:38:00.002-07:002014-07-16T22:38:56.451-07:00Truth or DareOne of my husband's cousins is getting married next month; this past weekend was the date of her bridal shower and bachelorette party. My mother-in-law, who is usually the first to say the oddest things, called me after the bridal shower and told me she had a bet going with my sister-in-law, her daughter. Apparently my sister-in-law argued that most newlyweds <i>do not</i> use every item a woman receives at her bachloerette party. The following was our conversation:<br />
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Mother-in-law (MiL): "Aunnie? Did you use every gift you received at your bachelorette party?"<br />
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Me: ". . . *Silence* . . . *chuckle*. . . Why?"<br />
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MiL: "I'm just curious."<br />
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Me: ". . . *Silence* . . . This isn't like the circumcision question, is it?"<br />
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MiL: "*Laughs* No, no, no."<br />
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Me: "Yeah, we used all of them."<br />
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Sister-in-law: "Well, no <i>normal</i> people use all of the gifts!"<br />
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The implication that my husband and I were abnormal was something I took as a compliment. However, the conversation took me back to my own bachelorette party and I dug up one of the more...abnormal gifts we received: a "Cosmo's Truth or Dare; Our Naughtiest Sex Game Ever!" I do not see a copyright stamp but I give full rights to the creator because this game is cool.<br />
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There are one hundred and twenty cards in all and each card has a truth or dare question/challenge. I've gone through a few--not all because I do not wish to ruin the game for any who might be interested--and some of the questions/challenges are entertaining and sometimes...a little enticing. If you're into that sort of thing.<br />
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One such card read:<br />
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<li>Truth: "Neck? Ear? Collarbone? Which of those body parts do you prefer me to nibble on?"</li>
<li>Dare: Nibble on my earlobe for two minutes. </li>
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Another:</div>
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<li>Truth: "What physical trait of mine first caught your eye?</li>
<li>Dare: Choose one part of your body, and I'll massage it for thirty seconds--but only that one part, so choose wisely?</li>
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If a woman picked that card, she may take a minute to answer because nine out of ten, she'll pick a spot that actually needs to be massaged--shoulder, back, leg, are just a couple examples. A man? A man will, nine out of ten times, pick one area--if you catch my drift. Stereotypical? Maybe, but there are stereotypes for a reason. </div>
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Last card before I close out the blog: </div>
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<li>Truth: How long would your ideal quickie last? Describe every moment.</li>
<li>Dare: Write an explicit note to me, then hide it someplace where I'll find it.</li>
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Dare kind of sounds like a fun, scavenger type game--also known as the "safer" route to travel. Truth sounds like the preemptive strike that would start World War III. I know I can not be the only one to think this...</div>
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Well, I hope I entertained some people. See ya next time! </div>
Aunniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15498782048239279549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-945360422188709746.post-24558118570080282072014-07-12T21:00:00.001-07:002014-07-14T22:40:35.587-07:00A Name's Worth<p dir="ltr"><br></p>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHHuY2ZWeiL7TcgtkDsHHLtXZ9S_3Ed2NDTUKE8XYw06skKIDF9PzB2sVGFhCWMO2PEOyYHRJGQNj_vAvLU39gHpfdb6aW6KLw3BA22H6kZ8bR1HpRlcciMeulgCOq5-Umclq9D8ZTKNk/s1600/20140712_153035.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHHuY2ZWeiL7TcgtkDsHHLtXZ9S_3Ed2NDTUKE8XYw06skKIDF9PzB2sVGFhCWMO2PEOyYHRJGQNj_vAvLU39gHpfdb6aW6KLw3BA22H6kZ8bR1HpRlcciMeulgCOq5-Umclq9D8ZTKNk/s640/20140712_153035.jpg"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: sans-serif; text-align: start;">This is my son: Dobby Vincent Valentine. Quite the name for such a small, furry fella but using only one name seemed somewhat disingeniune to the living being I've decided to take care of. A pet is more than an object; it is something you dedicate time and emotion on so calling them something as simple as what we call every day appliances--microwave, vacuum, straightener--seems unfair.</span><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: sans-serif; text-align: start;"><br></span></div><div class="separator" style="text-align: start; clear: both;"><font face="sans-serif">Most people only get to name a handful of living beings and couldnt possibly use all their favorite names! P</font><span style="font-family: sans-serif;">icking a name for your children, well, thatcould quite possibly one of the hardest choices in your life! </span></div><div class="separator" style="text-align: start; clear: both;"><font face="sans-serif"><br></font></div><div class="separator" style="text-align: start; clear: both;"><font face="sans-serif">My husband and I have debated many times what to name our future children. Luckily for me, my husband is letting me get my way for our future daughter's name. It was a name I'd chosen in High School and never had any intention of compromising on: Lilliana Jasmine. </font></div><div class="separator" style="text-align: start; clear: both;"><font face="sans-serif"><br></font></div><div class="separator" style="text-align: start; clear: both;"><font face="sans-serif">My mother argues that it is too long of a name to give to a small human. In my eyes, my little human wont always be little. Sure, it may be a somewhat difficult at first but eventually my child will pick it up. </font></div><div class="separator" style="text-align: start; clear: both;"><font face="sans-serif"><br></font></div><div class="separator" style="text-align: start; clear: both;"><font face="sans-serif">Its the boy's name we are debating. I told him he could pick the boy's name with the understanding that I can veto names I absolutely cannot agree with. Names such as Lieot, Elric, Zander, and Kain have been discussed but what can I expect when his best two best friend's children are named Kaladin and Gideon. They are both wonderful names and they are a little different which is exactly what I want for my children's name. However, my child is the one who has to live with it! Therefore, am I morally responsible to take their future opinion into account? Had my parents asked me, 'Heather' is not where that conversation would have ended up. </font></div><div class="separator" style="text-align: start; clear: both;"><font face="sans-serif"><br></font></div><div class="separator" style="text-align: start; clear: both;"><font face="sans-serif">However, 'Heather' is not an altogether bad name. In fact, its a respectable name considering its normality! It is not common, nor is it "over used' like such names as 'Sarah', 'Amanda', or 'Jessica'. Once again, these are fine names but you are 5x more likely to run into a Sarah, Amanda or Jessica than you are to the a Heather. </font></div><div class="separator" style="text-align: start; clear: both;"><font face="sans-serif"><br></font></div><div class="separator" style="text-align: start; clear: both;"><font face="sans-serif">So I guess my question is...am I morally obligated to take my future child's opinion into consideration when choosint a name or am I allowed to indulge myself and pick a name of my preference?</font></div><div class="separator" style="text-align: start; clear: both;"><font face="sans-serif"><br></font></div><div class="separator" style="text-align: start; clear: both;"><font face="sans-serif">I guess I won't know until I have children of my own...</font></div><div class="separator" style="text-align: start; clear: both;"><font face="sans-serif"><br></font></div><div class="separator" style="text-align: start; clear: both;"><font face="sans-serif">-Aunnie</font></div>Aunniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15498782048239279549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-945360422188709746.post-38147668242691075052014-07-07T15:53:00.001-07:002014-07-10T20:09:21.041-07:00Moments in Life<p dir="ltr">Life would be boring without memorable moments. Whether its hanging out with friends, meeting your future spouses or the birth of your child, these are amazing moments. However, not all moments are good.</p>
<p dir="ltr">As an example, I had one if the scariest moments of my life recently. I came home to find my youngest son (of the feline variety) locked out on our 3rd story balcony. </p>
<p dir="ltr">And the worst part of it <b>. . . </b>I still have no idea how he got out. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Miraclously, he didnt fall off the balcony or jump over to the adjacent balcony a mere foot away. I dont know whether he was too scared to get close to the edge or not curious enough to make the dangerous leap to investigate the neighboring balcony, which is his usual nature. </p>
<p dir="ltr">The very idea that my pseudo-son could have died is, to borrow a quote from J.R. Ward, "not something I could do in the hypothetical". </p>
<p dir="ltr">I had a good freak out moment and cried, held my son and, of course, thanked the Lord above for not taking away one of the most precious people--for he is a person to me--in my life. </p>
<p dir="ltr">However, not all moments are horrifying. One of the happiest moments of my life was getting into the college I wanted. Til the day I die, I will never forget the phone call. I had been denied first and was devastated because I wouldnt be able to go to the only college I ever wanted to go too but my mother found a loophole. I didnt even know she'd been looking but she found it and when she called me, she only asked me one question: "Do you still want to go to St. Cloud State University?" I had given a very lackluster "Yes" because I didnt believe I'd be able to get in but then she said she found a way. I burst into tears and fell to the floor. </p>
<p dir="ltr">It wouldn't be until later that I realized people weren't lying when they said "Everything happens for a reason." Had I been accepted on the first try, I would never have met the person who would ultimately introduce me to my future husband. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I still dont want to believe everything happens for a reason because so many horrible and despicable things happen for no apparent reason at all but maybe, just maybe, there is a reason for some things...</p>
Aunniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15498782048239279549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-945360422188709746.post-4078709610386011052014-07-03T22:21:00.001-07:002014-07-06T03:00:18.645-07:00The Idea of a Picture<p dir="ltr">Update on the resident Black Lagoon making those hellish sounds from my endarkened corner of the parking lot. I discovered a curious lack of sound on July 4th and again this evening, July 5th. The factory behind my parking lot treeline is uncharacteristically dark. Meaning, the lights around the building are off.  This usually means one of two things; 1) either the area has lost electricity in which case I, too, would be affected; or 2) they are closed due to the holiday. I am inclined to believe the latter. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I am comforted in knowing the mystery of the sounds. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I saw fireworks last night from four different celebrations. It reminded me of my favorite advertisement logo: Disney.  I'm not talking the 1990's span across the silver, spiked globe or the blue screen with a crossing rainbow. Im talking the newest one. Top of the tower with a retreating camera span to a starry-lit city surrounding a castle with a cool, smooth stream near it. Yeah, that one. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Which of course led me to thinking about two of my favorite images in the world:</p>
<p dir="ltr">1) The Mummry Returns: Imotep is standing on a balcony with the reincarnated Princess Anuk-su-na-mun (?) and he uses his magic to show her a vision of their previous lives and it spans out to show Ancient Egypt. Its a beautiful night scape with the pyramids dimly lit by torchlight and ancient-style boats navigating, what I can only assume is, the Nile--although Geographically speaking, I'm not entirely sure that is accurate--and it makes me speechless.</p>
<p dir="ltr">2) The other picture belongs to Thomas Kinkade. He was known as the 'Painter of Light' while he was alive. He made stunning paintings that always make me think of a fairy land. The name of the painting is 'Make A Wish Cottage'. If I were going to live in any fantasy,  that is where I would go. It is the most peaceful image I could think up. If you have never seen Thomas Kinkade's artwork, I suggest taking five minutes of your time and googling this artist. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Well I am starting to feel buggy on my balcony which is never a good sign so I shall retire for the evening...or is it morning? My friend likes to believe it is not morning unless they have gone to bed and woken up. I'm inclined to agree. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Good night, Annyeonghi Gaseyo.  </p>
<p dir="ltr">-Aunnie</p>
Aunniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15498782048239279549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-945360422188709746.post-7728048234855315702014-07-03T08:23:00.001-07:002014-07-03T08:23:32.415-07:00Gray Dawn of Joy<p dir="ltr">Early last evening when the sun was still very much in the sky I sat on my balcony and listened. Yes, I am referring to my last blog post wherein I discussed the weird sound coming from my parking lot. I did hear it whilst sitting on my balcony so I know the cause of this sound does not belong to the "creature of the night" variety. That still leaves ghosts or creatures of the black lagoon...The only creature of the black lagoon I want any association with his my grumpy oldest cat so I have decided to not venture into the unknown. It shall remain, forever, a mystery. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I didn't go into work today. I woke up and decided "to hell with that bullshit" and opted to deal with the consequences at a later date. Most likely on Monday...I could blame it on the meds I'm taking as of late which keep me tired almost 90% of my day. I think I have slept more often recently than I did in High School which is saying something. So long are the days I'm up until two in the morning doing whatever pleases me at the time. I fear it will be like this until I get on my next set of meds. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Its been a long time since I was on these types of medications: antidepressants and mood stabilizers. That familiar feeling of "Ugh" is back but it should be temporary. *<i>crosses fingers</i>* I'll report back on that in a couple weeks when things have calmed down mentally. </p>
<p dir="ltr">In the meantime, I'll keep enjoying the outdoors my peaceful balcony has provided me and go through the motions of daily life. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Until next time 안녕히 가세요 ("Annyeonghi Gaseyo")</p>
<p dir="ltr">-Aunnie</p>
Aunniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15498782048239279549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-945360422188709746.post-39548744143313234662014-07-01T21:22:00.001-07:002014-07-01T21:48:45.820-07:00Sounds in the Night<p dir="ltr">Its 62° in my neck of the woods tonight. It wasn't that long ago that 62 degrees would have felt marvelous however, after experiencing 80+ degree weather lately, I've begun to realize I have already adapted to the summertime heat. This does not sit well with me. It wont be long before the fall frost begins to coat our grass in the early hours of morning and the hint of winter is in the air. *<i>sigh</i>* Such is the life of a north-midwestern. However, I was born in California--but that is another story.</p>
<p dir="ltr">What concerns me at this late hour is the weird sound that has been coming from my apartment parking lot. With the general lack of vision in my eyes to begin <i>with</i> and my acute eye problem since last September, seeing the perpetrator has been, well, unsuccessful.  I would say it sounds like one of the small dinosaurs that ate the cocky Russia mercenary from Jurassic Park 2--Peter Stormare's character--however that would sound ridiculous to anyone who wasn't raised in the 90's. However, I digress. The first night I heard it, it sounded like a rusty door hinge. I surmised it to be the swinging door by the garbage bins. However, Im not so sure that is true anymore. Yesterday I noted that the sound increased and was becoming more frequent.  Tonight, it almost sounds like a creature of some sort. If you are a horror fanatic like me then you'll understand when I say that the cause of this sound could be from any possibility of the spine-tingly variety. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I have spent the last ten minutes weighing the pros and cons of conducting my own personal investigation once the sun rises high in the sky however, Im not sure if my need to give in to my curiosity is important enough to snoop into the unknown. If only Chen were here...don't <u>sweat</u> if you don't know the reference. Chen belongs to a different world not many are prepared to face. That is also a story for another time...</p>
<p dir="ltr">It seems my body is not ready to face the familiar decrease in temperature that we will all be forced to adjust too in a few months so the idea of going back inside is appealing. </p>
<p dir="ltr">This is, most likely, the first of an actual blog thread that I feel the need to begin. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I hope everyone is tucked away, warm and cozy in their beds and until next time. 안녕히 가세요 ("Annyeonghi Gaseyo")!</p>
<p dir="ltr">-Aunnie</p>
Aunniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15498782048239279549noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-945360422188709746.post-8690169257268631562014-05-31T07:54:00.000-07:002014-05-31T07:54:57.208-07:00Nae Chingu (My Friends) Chapter Twenty-One<div style="text-align: center;">
<u><b><span style="font-size: large;">Nae Chingu (My Friends)</span></b></u></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<u><b><span style="font-size: large;">Chapter Twenty-One</span></b></u></div>
<br />
<i>Minnesota, United States...</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
The car ride back towards the Twin Cities was so silent, I felt like we were in a soundless void. I mean, of course there were car sounds and Greg tried once to put the radio on before I sent him my best death glare but Greg and I said not one word to each other for the four hours we were in the car.<br />
<br />
I tried to convince myself that it was because the conversation would reach a better conclusion once we got back to my house but I knew it was because if he said something stupid, I'd bash him over the head and no one wanted to get into a car accident today--and If I knew Greg, he was bound to say something stupid.<br />
<br />
So he drove my car in silence back towards the cities. While we were married, he always insisted on driving everywhere so it had felt only natural to let him drive today as well, despite being in my car. It worked out regardless because this way I could stare at him without having to worry about driving.<br />
<br />
When we reached my house, I promptly got out of the car and slammed my car door shut.<br />
<br />
"Diane, don't take it out on the--" Greg started to say before I pointed my finger at him. He swallowed the last few words and silently followed me up the stairs and into the house.<br />
<br />
Once we got to the inside, I felt like a time bomb that was ready to blow but I stayed silent as I moved around the house, hoping it would ease my pent up frustration and help me find the right words to start, what was going to be, a difficult conversation.<br />
<br />
"Diane--"<br />
<br />
"Sit down," I seethed. When he promptly plopped his butt in a chair, I put my hands on my hips and took a deep breath. "Okay, I want you to explain in detail, without leaving <i>anything </i>out, what exactly happened that lead to you leaving our eighteen year old daughter in a foreign country by--her--self."<br />
<br />
The more he told me the harder and harder it became to keep my mouth shut but I somehow managed to stay silent until he was done. I couldn't help but be impressed by the amount of effort Lily had put into staying in Korea. For her to disobey her father like she had, it had taken a special kind of courage that Lily had lacked the last time I saw her. None of these took away the absolute horror of Greg's actions, however.<br />
<br />
"You son of a bitch," I said softly even though I wanted to scream the words at him. However, I couldn't focus on being pissed at Greg, I had Lily to think about and god knows what was going on with her. "You said you disconnected her phone, why haven't you turned it back on?"<br />
<br />
"Once I ended the contract and left Korea, I could no longer activate the same number, at least not without providing the phone and my signature. I tried called the company and get them to activate it but they won't budge. I even tried to get one of my navy buddies over there to activate it but without prior authorization, they won't accept his signature. Even if they did, I still don't have the phone and no way to contact Lily for the phone. I did try, Diane."<br />
<br />
And that I believed him. Greg could be a bastard sometimes but he wasn't heartless. In fact, we'd still be married if handled the move from Germany to South Korea better. It wasn't the fact that we moved to South Korea that had ended our marriage, it was the fact that he'd been so blind to his wife and daughter's wants and needs that he hadn't even asked me how I felt about the move before putting his transfer in. We'd fought the entire month leading up to the move and even after, he'd been so careless with the situation that I refused to give in. I divorced him, not because I was unhappy with our marriage--or at least not entirely--no, it was to prove a point to him. A point he'd ignored, I sighed.<br />
<br />
"You always were impulsive," I rubbed my tired eyes. I was still furious with him but my anger wasn't going to help get our daughter back so I put it on the back burner for now. We'd revisit this later, I knew. "Have you tried calling any of her friends," I asked.<br />
<br />
Greg was silently looking at the floor and didn't answer my question.<br />
<br />
"Let me guess, you never even bothered to get the phone numbers of her friends, did you?" I loved this man but there were times, like now, I envisioned choking him to death with my bare hands--with love, of course. "What the hell have you been doing for three years Greg?"<br />
<br />
"If you hadn't left, none of this--"<br />
<br />
"Don't you dare put this on me," I said in my you're-in-danger-deep voice. "I left her with you so I could get stable back here. She didn't <i>want </i>to come home after that. I left her with you, she was <i>your</i> responsibility! How could you mess this up," I spun away from him.<br />
<br />
"Because you weren't there," Greg spat out angrily. "Because you left me! Without so much as second of hesitation, you just left. Lily and I had to make do. You want to know why I messed this up? Because I wanted to come home to you, that's all I could think about and I got angry and did something on impulse. And now..."<br />
<br />
And now Lily was all alone in Korea, I thought.<br />
<br />
"This isn't about us," I said and finally sat down next to him and felt more calm in this moment than I had in the last five hours.<br />
<br />
"It's always been about us and Lily paid the price," Greg said and scoffed. "Both times."<br />
<br />
He was right. I had left out of anger at him and I hadn't even thought about the repercussions of my actions until after he told me Lily had gotten sick. By then it was too late, the divorce was final and I had a house and job to worry about here. She'd gotten better, thankfully but now, it had been Greg's mistake and both times, it'd been selfish decisions we'd made for ourselves. God, we were terrible parents.<br />
<br />
"We gotta get her back Greg," for the first time tears started to fill my eyes and I put my head on the counter. "I gotta find her."<br />
<br />
"I know," Greg put his arm around me and patted my shoulder.<br />
<br />
***<br />
<br />
<i>Lily...</i><br />
<br />
I stayed in the hospital for two days while they pumped me full of fluids and food before they deemed me fit to leave. You'd think I'd been in the hospital for weeks judging by the copious amounts of visitors I had. Chan Min, Derek, Brian, Annabeth, a couple of girls from the program that I hadn't even realized knew who I was, and of course, my three best friends. Mae Ri had made a fuss when she made her visit. Judging by the look on the doctor's face when she arrived, he wanted to kick her out as soon as she started crying. Eventually she calmed down and was fine but there were more visitors than I knew how to handle.<br />
<br />
I told everyone what had happened, I knew they'd speculate anyway, and Annabeth told me afterwards that she was glad I'd fallen down the stairs.<br />
<br />
"I'm sorry, what," I said in mildly offended.<br />
<br />
"Lily, you were starting to look so sick and you'd grown distant. I mean, if you hadn't fallen down the stairs, we," she looked at Derek and Brian. "We were going to report you, it just wasn't--healthy."<br />
<br />
I hadn't realized how bad I gotten, I thought, or at least I hadn't realized how much of it had shown to others.<br />
<br />
"Thank you," I said quietly to them. "I got lost and well, I'm sorry for making you worry."<br />
<br />
"It's no problem as long as you are better 'cause," Brian scratched the back of his neck and looked sheepish. "The girlfriend's going to be here next week and I need to at least look like I've been trying to learn Korean and I need your help."<br />
<br />
The others had laughed with me and after an hour they took their leave. Jong Hwa, who'd been sitting outside in the hallway came back in after they left.<br />
<br />
"You didn't have to leave, you know," I said when he sat down next to me and automatically reached for my hand.<br />
<br />
Every moment after the first day, Jong Hwa and I had held hands continuously. I thought after awhile the feeling of holding hands would get old but it never did. I always felt better whenever our hands touched and I think he felt the same way.<br />
<br />
"I know but you've had so many visitors, I know that less is always better," he said.<br />
<br />
"I can't wait to get out of here tomorrow." I smiled happily.<br />
<br />
"Are you sure you are ready, Lily," Jong Hwa asked again and squeezed my hand lightly. He'd asked me this several times throughout the day after we got the news of my impending discharge.<br />
<br />
"For the hundredth time, yes, Jong Hwa. I'm more than ready to get out of this bed." I squeezed his hand to reassure him. "I'm getting better, I have more strength and moreover, I have the program to think about. Chan Min said the Director would let me stay--in light of what happened--although, on Monday I have to meet up with him and I doubt it'll be pleasant."<br />
<br />
"Well you did scare quite a few of us," Jong Hwa muttered. Even though we were okay, more than okay, he hadn't quite forgiven me even though he assured me he had. I could tell by the way he said things that eluded me to his true feelings. I wish I could pluck the worry out of his mind so we could go back to normal but much like he'd told me the first time, we just needed time.<br />
<br />
"I'm sorry, Jong Hwa," I said quietly.<br />
<br />
"Stop apologizing," He said lightly, too lightly, I thought. He'd tried several times throughout the day to give me smiles but none of them reached his eyes and it was starting to grate at my nerves.<br />
<br />
"I can't help feeling like something is wrong and you're just not telling me," I said.<br />
<br />
"Nothing is wrong, Lily," he said and put a smile on his face, one that didn't look convincing at all.<br />
<br />
"So this is what it feels like," I said as I came to a startling realization.<br />
<br />
"What does," he asked me curiously.<br />
<br />
"When someone tells you they are fine and you know they aren't," I said. I decided it didn't feel good and I told him as much. "I'm not entirely sure I'm okay with this. God, how did you do it?"<br />
<br />
"Years of practice with you," Jong Hwa teased lightly.<br />
<br />
"Ah-ha, so you admit something is wrong!" I pointed my finger at him and he looked guiltily away.<br />
<br />
He sighed and let go of my hand. I had a second where I felt like I should panic but I beat it down. Jong Hwa said he'd never leave and I believed him and I trusted him, it was just hard to change old habits over night.<br />
<br />
"I'm worried," he said. "And I'm scared."<br />
<br />
"Why," I asked and moved closer to him.<br />
<br />
"Because after you leave tomorrow, I won't be able to stay near you all the time to make sure you are okay," he admitted.<br />
<br />
"Jong Hwa, I'll be fine--"<br />
<br />
"You said you were fine before and look what happened," Jong Hwa bit out in a frustrated voice and it shocked me enough to keep me quiet. "I know I can't stay with you twenty-four-seven but right now, I want too. I need to make sure you are okay because I feel like I'll go crazy if something like this happens again."<br />
<br />
"Jong Hwa--"<br />
<br />
"No, let me finish," he sighed again. "Ever since the moment I saw you, I've been drawn to you. At first it was just because I wanted to help but as time went on, it stopped being about just wanted to help you and turned into me wanting to take care of you. It was easier to take care of you when we went to the same school but after you left," he stopped to gather his thoughts. "Every time I saw you afterwards, you were being pulled farther and farther away from me and there was nothing I could do to stop it. It was like you no longer needed me."<br />
<br />
He got up from the bed and paced a little bit away and came back to stand by the bed. "I'm worried and scared that once you leave tomorrow, you'll no longer need me again. I don't want you to become dependent on me or anything," he waved his hands at me like he was worried he'd offended me. "I would never want you to feel dependent on me, I just need to know that you need me. As much as I need you," he looked at me and allowed me to see all of his fears in his eyes, things he'd been hiding the last couple of days.<br />
<br />
I patted the spot next to me on the bed and waited for him to sit down. "I've always needed you," he opened his mouth to say something but I put up a finger. "No, now it's my turn." he gave me a small smile and nodded. "You know, I wouldn't have lasted one month in Korea if it hadn't been for you. I've needed you from the moment I met you and that will never change. After my dad left, all I could think about was keeping you near me. Holding onto you as much as I could but I also felt like needing you was a risk I couldn't take. Not when it seemed like everyone would leave eventually. I was terrified I'd be left alone that I had this--this--insane compulsion to prove to myself that I could do everything on my own."<br />
<br />
I pulled myself higher on the bed so I could sit up straight as I continued. "But every time I saw you, I felt my resolve shake and begin to crumble. It was like all my worries and fears went away when I saw you but then you'd leave again and each time they could all come back and I felt they were getting heavier and heavier. Then I would remember what I needed to do. That's why I pulled away these last few weeks, I felt like I needed you too much, I depended on you too much."<br />
<br />
We sat in silence for a few minutes and we both digested each other's words.<br />
<br />
He nodded like he'd reached some sort of conclusion. "I want you to call me every day," he said finally.<br />
<br />
"I will call you every day," I agreed.<br />
<br />
"And you'll eat," he asked sternly.<br />
<br />
"You know how much I like food," I told him.<br />
<br />
He lifted a hand to my cheek, "You're too thin now," he said.<br />
<br />
"I always meant to lose that extra twenty pounds, now I could probably fit into most of Mae Ri's clothes," I said. If there was one benefit to this whole messed up situation, it was that.<br />
<br />
"I liked you the way you were," Jong Hwa wouldn't even let me joke about the weight I'd lost. In fact, he'd been trying to stuff me full of food since the first day at the hospital. I would't be surprised if I hadn't already gained some of it back. "Besides, do you really want to wear Mae Ri's clothes?"<br />
<br />
I thought about it and barely held back a cringe. "Not really, it's just the idea that I <i>could,</i>" I answered honestly.<br />
<br />
"Come here," he cupped the back of my neck and pulled me closer. He kissed my forehead, both cheeks and then finally my lips. It was the first kiss we shared since the first and only time we kissed before a few weeks ago. It didn't last nearly as long as I wanted it too but I knew it wouldn't be the last kiss we shared so I was okay with it. "Don't change anything else about yourself. I love you just as you are," he looked into my eyes and nodded encouragingly. I hope the tingly feeling I felt every time he told me he loved me never went away.<br />
<br />
"You never used to be this bold," I said as I rested my forehead against his.<br />
<br />
"It's amazing what a near-death experience will do to a person," he said before pulling away so he could look at me fully.<br />
<br />
"I wasn't near death, Jong Hwa," I scoffed lightly.<br />
<br />
"Could have fooled me by the way you looked when they first brought you in here," Jong Hwa said but not in a joking manner.<br />
<br />
"I'm sorry," I said again.<br />
<br />
"And let that be the last time you apologize," he said sternly. "Besides, next weekend, you'll begin making it up to me."<br />
<br />
"Uh-oh," I grumbled. He still hadn't told me any of his "ideas". "How will I be doing that, again?"<br />
<br />
"You'll see," he smiled at me knowingly.<br />
<br />
"Should I be worried," I asked worriedly.<br />
<br />
"Not at all," he said too innocently which meant I wasn't going to like whatever idea he'd come up with but it wasn't like I could refuse him at this point, considering everything he'd done for me.<br />
<br />
"Ah-huh, we will see, I guess," I said.<br />
<br />
"Okay, it's late and you need to sleep so move over," he got up and turned on the side lamp before turning off the overhead light. Dr. Lee had pulled some strings and they allowed Jong Hwa to stay with me at night at the hospital even though it was against hospital policy to allow visitors to stay overnight in non-emergent cases. To be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if Dr. Lee claimed some mental distress disorder in order to convince the doctor to let Jong Hwa stay but I wasn't going to ask. I wanted him here anyway. So I moved over and Jong Hwa climbed onto the bed. He never slept under the covers with me; not only had the doctors been uncomfortable with us even sleeping in the same bed together but even I had my propriety to think about so instead he slept on top of the covers and me under them to keep somewhat of a barrier between us.<br />
<br />
"Are you sure your mom is okay with this," I asked. "I mean, you don't have to sleep here, it's not like I'm going to disappear overnight, I'll still be here in the morning when you--"<br />
<br />
He gave me his best "stop talking" stare and I shut my mouth, "Okay, okay, I was just asking."<br />
<br />
"Good night, Lily," he wiggled his arm under my head and I snuggled a little closer.<br />
<br />
"Good night, Jong Hwa," I said back and closed my eyes. I wished things could stay like this forever.<br />
<br />
***<br />
<br />
<i>Ji Soo...</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i><br /></i>
<br />
"Have you talked to her since yesterday," Mae Ri asked me over the phone.<br />
<br />
"No, but I've talked to Jong Hwa," I said back to her as I rolled over onto the side of my bed that wasn't full of textbooks. "Sounds like she's getting discharged tomorrow afternoon."<br />
<br />
"Jinjja," Mae Ri asked in a voice that sounded only half as excited as it would have normally. In fact, Mae Ri had sounded off yesterday as well. "Dahaengida*," she mumbled.<br />
<br />
"You don't sound that relieved," I commented.<br />
<br />
"I am," Mae Ri said unconvincingly.<br />
<br />
"What's going on, Mae Ri-ya?"<br />
<br />
She sighed. "I don't know what to do, Ji Soo. I don't think Lily wants me around any more," she sniffled into the phone and I could tell she as holding back tears. Mae Ri had always expressed her emotions through tears, whether it was sadness, anger or relief, it always came out the same way.<br />
<br />
"You are her best friend, why wouldn't she want you around," I asked even though I knew that Mae Ri had been feeling neglected lately, especially when it came to Lily. It had felt like Lily had been the glue and when Lily was gone, we'd all just kind of waylaid away from each other. Jong Hwa had grown distant for obvious reasons and Mae Ri and him had never been super close to begin with and that left me but there was only so much I could do.<br />
<br />
"Doesn't feel like we're best friends any more," Mae Ri said quietly into the phone. In truth, I missed the loud Mae Ri and I felt like she'd been quiet far too long.<br />
<br />
"She's been sick, Mae Ri-ya," I told her. "She's getting better now; just watch, you'll both be close again in no time. Why don't we throw her a welcome home party?"<br />
<br />
"How would we do that," she asked and I could tell she was interested.<br />
<br />
"I could have my dad drop us off in the morning before he picks her up from the hospital, we could decorate her lobby and when she got home, well, surprise," I suggested.<br />
<br />
"Sure," was all Mae Ri said.<br />
<br />
"Kim Mae Ri," I said in mock anger. "It's time to buck up and show Lily that you haven't given up on her. So by tomorrow your attitude better improve!"<br />
<br />
"Okay," she sounded slightly more enthused. "Okay, I will."<br />
<br />
"That's my girl," I said without thinking. I winced when I realized what I'd said. "I'll see you tomorrow."<br />
<br />
Silence. "I'll-I"ll see you tomorrow." And she hung up.<br />
<br />
I put my phone on my chest and rubbed my face. If I wasn't careful, Mae Ri would figure out my true feelings and I didn't think either of us were quite ready to take that step. I had to give Jong Hwa credit because he'd been able to gather his courage and confess to Lily about how he felt. One day, I hoped I'd find the courage to do the same.<br />
<br />
***<br />
<br />
<i>Lily...</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
We left the hospital a little after one in the afternoon and it was nice to see the outside and breath the fresh, spring air. It had warmed up in the two days I'd been confined in the hospital, so much so that I didn't even need my jacket anymore even though Jong Hwa insisted I wear it so I didn't catch a cold.<br />
<br />
When we reached the dormitory, Dr. Lee waylaid our entrance by asking me how I felt for the second time in under an hour.<br />
<br />
"I'm fine, Dr. Lee," I looked at him curiously. He seemed jittery to me and even Jong Hwa looked shifty eyed. "What's going on?"<br />
<br />
"Nothing," Dr. Lee said with more enthusiasm than necessary.<br />
<br />
I put my hands on my hips and looked at Jong Hwa, "What's going on?"<br />
<br />
Jong Hwa passed a glance over at Dr. Lee and I knew I was right, something was up. "Well..."<br />
<br />
"We couldn't stop her," Dr. Lee said.<br />
<br />
"Don't be angry," Jong Hwa said quickly.<br />
<br />
"Why would I be angry? Couldn't stop who?" I looked at them both and waited for answers.<br />
<br />
"She did it with good intentions, just remember that,"<br />
<br />
"Mae Ri, she wanted to give you a welcome home party," Dr. Lee said and snuck a quick glance at me to see if I'd be angry. "Actually, I think it was Ji Soo's idea but I don't know for sure."<br />
<br />
"She misses you as her friend," Jong Hwa said and pushed a lock of hair behind my ear. It embarrassed me that he did it in front of Dr. Lee but Dr. Lee didn't seem to mind. "Just remember that."<br />
<br />
I had a moment to decided how I would react; I felt energized by the good weather and the fact that I'd been couped up for days and a surprise party...sounded pretty damn good right about now. I smiled brightly and hooked arms with Jong Hwa, "Let's not keep her waiting then, huh?"<br />
<br />
The two of them looked so relieved it was comical and I walked into the building with a bounce in my step and a smile on my face. As soon as I opened the common area door, I was accosted with shouts of "Surprise!" by not only Ji Soo and Mae Ri but Derek, Brian, Annabeth, and nearly 10 others from the program but none of this was as surprising as the fact that Emily was there as well.<br />
<br />
"Gwaenchana," Mae Ri asked me but didn't give me a hug which was unusual.<br />
<br />
"Yeah, come here," I pulled her into my arms and hugged her sincerely for the first time in a long time. She didn't hug me back right away and I understood her hesitation. I'd been a crappy friend but not anymore. I let her go and linked arms with her. "When did you have time to pull all this together?"<br />
<br />
"Actually, Ji Soo--"<br />
<br />
"It's okay, Mae Ri-ya, take all the credit," Ji Soo cut her off and patted me on the shoulder per usual. It was a little hesitant and I think we both had echoes of our last argument in our minds but I was determined to start fresh with all my friends.<br />
<br />
I took Ji Soo's hand and squeezed it without saying a word. He must have understood what I was trying to do because he winked and nodded at me and we both smiled.<br />
<br />
"Ya," Jong Hwa pulled my hand from Ji Soo's grip jokingly and pulled me away from him.<br />
<br />
It struck me then; the four of us were standing around each other and there wasn't any awkwardness between us. We were all smiling at each other and the general atmosphere was peaceful and I cherished it more than anything else in that moment. "Thank you guys, for everything."<br />
<br />
After that, I greeted everyone else and joked and laughed and talked about the things I'd missed. Granted, not much had happened in the three days I'd been gone but it was nice to feel like I was finally part of the group again. I knew that it had been me that had kept a distance from everyone else but now that I'd put aside my stupid notion of independence, I felt like I belonged. Sure I still missed my family and lord only knew when I was going to see or talk to any of them again but for now, I was okay.<br />
<br />
***<br />
<br />
"Did you get the tickets," I asked into the phone as I drove to work.<br />
<br />
"Of course I did," Greg responded righteously.<br />
<br />
"When is the flight," I asked him as I turned into my works parking lot.<br />
<br />
"Next Friday," he told me.<br />
<br />
"Next Friday? But that's a week from now, you couldn't find a flight sooner," I asked loudly into the phone. It became harder and harder to stay calm every passing day I wasn't in Korea finding my daughter.<br />
<br />
"They don't have flights to Korea every day, Diane, be patient, Lily will be fine," he tried to reassure me but it fell on deaf ears.<br />
<br />
"You don't know that," I just couldn't shake the feeling that something terrible had happened to Lily.<br />
<br />
"Well panicking about it isn't going to help anything," Greg said defensively. "She's got friends and people she's close too. She's fine," Greg sounded like he was trying to reassure himself more than he was me.<br />
<br />
"She better be or so help me God, Greg," It wasn't the first time I had threatened him since the day I'd gone to Fort Ripley and I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be the last until I had Lily in my arms.<br />
<br />
"I gotta go," he said and we hung up.<br />
<br />
One more week until we could fly out to Korea and find her. I knew it would be a week filled filled with worry and guilt until I had her back in my sight. I had no plans for once we got there besides finding Lily. I only hoped she'd come back with us without a fight.<br />
<br />
<i>To Be Continued...</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
***<br />
<br />
*Dahaengida: There are a few translations but the general understanding is "I'm relieved" or "That's a relief" or "I'm glad".Aunniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15498782048239279549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-945360422188709746.post-41805173187068203552014-05-31T07:12:00.000-07:002014-05-31T07:12:36.917-07:00Nae Chingu (My Friends) Chapter Twenty<div style="text-align: center;">
<u><b><span style="font-size: large;">Nae Chingu (My Friends)</span></b></u></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<u><b><span style="font-size: large;">Chapter Twenty</span></b></u></div>
<br />
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Oh my god,” I
vaguely heard someone who sounded an awful lot like Ji Soo say. I
felt like the voice was coming from far away but with every passing
moment consciousness was becoming a real thing. “None of this is
okay,” I heard the dim voice again. “She doesn’t get privacy
any more.”
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Why were people being
so loud, couldn’t they tell I was sleeping? I had work in the morning. Why would Emily let people in the room when I was sleeping? Because she was a cold
stone—wait, I had a vision of a mop and bucket flying into the air?
Well that was weir—and just like that, everything that happened
came back in a flash. I’d been walking down the stairs at work when
I’d tripped…had I tripped? I don’t remember tripping, I thought
as I fought hard to remember the events that had taken place before
I’d completely blacked out.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I had gotten dizzy and
lost my footing. I hadn’t let go of the mop and bucket of dirty
water until it was too late to catch myself and I cracked the side of
my face on the floor. As if on queue, I was able remember what
had happened. I could feel all the aches and pains in my body, most of
which was centered on the right side of my face.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
It was at this point I
could hear everything happening in the room with clarity, “Is that
money?” Was that Dr. Lee? Ok, I definitely needed to open my eyes
now, I told myself even though my body was slow in responding to my
demands.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I had a terrifying
moment of thinking maybe I had lost my eyesight but a sliver of light
appeared through the small slit of my eyelid and I knew how ridiculous I
was being. After struggling to just open my eyes, what I saw had not
been what I was expecting.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
The first thing I
noticed was an upright body sitting next to me and even with his head turned
away from me, I knew it was Jong Hwa. He was holding my hand although
I could barely feel it, I tried to squeeze his hand to get his
attention but just as with my eyelids, it was a struggle just to get
my arm to twitch. Behind him stood Ji Soo and Dr. Lee who were
looking very interested in something I couldn’t see.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Let me see,” Jong
Hwa said as if he’d heard my silent plea and I watched in horror as
Ji Soo turned around holding the emergency funds I’d put into
baggies. They must have been going through my backpack.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I tried to get their
attention by lifting my arm but I could barely twitch a finger so I
quickly abandoned that attempt and tried my voice next. It hurt to
even suck in air through my mouth, no less trying to force air out to
speak words but I finally managed on my third try. I think watching
Ji Soo start to open one of the bags gave me the motivation to make
speech patterns although it sounded pretty jumbled to my own ears.</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Please don’t touch
my money,” I think I said. They must have heard me because
everyone’s eyes turned towards me and if I could have, I would have
cringed back into the bed with the stares everyone pinned on me.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Lily,” Jong Hwa
was the first to recover and he squeezed my hand tightly before
gently patting my hair back from my face. “Oh thank you,” he said
while he brought the hand he held to his forehead as if offering the
thanks to me although I knew I hadn’t deserved his gratitude.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
No one said anything
else so I took the brief moment of silence to look at my
surroundings. It was pretty clear from the tape and IV on the hand
Jong Hwa was currently holding up within eyesight that I was in a
hospital. If that wasn’t enough, the rather large beeping machine
to my right was a dead give away.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Lily, do you know
where you are,” Dr. Lee stood up and came to stand next to the side
of the bed.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I tried to nod but the
very act had my body protesting in anger, at least I assumed, if the
pain was anything to go by. So I cleared my throat as much as I could
and hoarsely whispered the words, “A hospital?”
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Dr. Lee nodded. “Do you know what
happened,” he asked in the same calm voice he’d used with his
last question.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“I fell,” I cleared
my throat again. “I think I fell down the stairs,” I had to clear
my throat again. It felt like I’d spent the last six months in the
Sahara sucking in sand from the way my voice sounded and how dry my
throat and mouth felt. “Water, please.”
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Ji Soo,” Dr. Lee
said over his shoulder and without hesitation Ji Soo left the room to
get me some water.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Jong Hwa was rubbing
his thumb over my knuckles and it was distracting enough to have me
looking at our conjoined hands.</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Does this hurt?
Should I stop,” he asked, worry lacing his voice. This time I
managed a shake of my head although it did make me wish my head would
fall from my shoulders. He registered the head movement and kept
trailing his thumb along in slow, gentle strokes.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Lily are you in any
pain,” Dr. Lee asked, bringing my attention back to the tall
doctor.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Yes,” I whispered and God was I ever. As more and more of my body came back online, the more pain I felt.
I wanted to say that I was in a lot of pain but I stuck to the easier
monosyllabic words I’d been using.</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Ji Soo returned
carrying a pitcher of water with the doctor close on his heels.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“’Ello, Ril-li,”
the doctor said in incredibly broken English as he approached the bed. “My nae-ma iz—“</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“She speaks Korean,”
Jong Hwa cut the doctor off rudely and informed him.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I blinked quickly to
make sure it had actually been Jong Hwa who’d spoken. Jong Hwa was
normally never that rude, especially to an elder but it had
definitely been him who’d just cut off the older doctor.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
There was an awkward
silence following Jong Hwa’s declaration. Dr. Lee raised his hand and rested it gentle on Jong Hwa's shoulder; whether it was a warning or an act of reassurance, I wasn't sure. The doctor cleared
his throat and began once again in Korean this time. “My name is
Dr. Choi. Do you know where you are?”</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
If I’d had the energy
to sigh, I swear I would have. Instead, I gathered my reserves and prepared myself to give the
same answers to the questions Dr. Lee had just asked me.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
After a few minutes of
questions, he finally pulled out his stethoscope and checked my
vitals. “Well, your vitals seem to be normal however your labs show
that you are depleted of all your core essentials,” he said.</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I looked to Dr. Lee for
translation but it was Jong Hwa who spoke up in English, I guess he
remembered that my Korean language skills didn’t really cover
medical jargon. “He’s saying the things your body needs to keep
running are gone, vitamins, things like that.”
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I nodded and winced at the movement.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“I will have a nurse
come in and administer some pain medication, once we’ve gotten some
more fluids into you, I’m going to have someone from the
psychological department come down to just see where you are at,”
the doctor said in a kind voice, like he was talking to a wounded
animal.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Did I-“ I cleared
my throat. “Did I hurt my brain,” I asked.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Your scans show no
indication of brain damage,” the doctor smiled nicely.</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Then why-“ I
cleared my throat but this time Dr. Lee lifted a cup with a straw to
my mouth so I could drink. I would have hugged him if I’d been able
to lift my arms more than an inch off the bed. God, it hurt to move.
“Why do I need a-a,” I struggled to think of the word but
obviously my brain wasn’t working so fast. It was Jong Hwa who
finally finished my question.</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Why does she need a
neurologist,” Jong Hwa asked and I nodded in confirmation.</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“No, not a
neurologist,” the doctor said, at first to Jong Hwa but then
changed directions and spoke to me directly. “A psychologist,”
he reiterated.</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Why,” Jong Hwa
asked for me.</div>
<br />
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“To evaluate her
mental status,” he said. I had been taking a drink from the cup Dr.
Lee offered me again when he said this and I choked on the water I’d
tried to swallow. If I hadn't been so worried about what the doctor had said, I would have cared about all the water I'd just sputtered down my chin and onto the top of my hospital gown.<br />
<br />
"My mental status," I asked and for the first time since waking up, I didn't feel any pain. It was like my mind completely shut down the rest of my body. "There's nothing wrong with my mental status."<br />
<br />
"It's standard procedure for someone with Anorexia Nervosa," the doctor told me as if I hadn't said anything. "Anyone presenting with this particular disorder needs to be evaluated by the psychology department."<br />
<br />
"What," I looked at Jong Hwa and then back at the doctor. "I'm not anorexic," the look on the doctor's face clearly told me he didn't believe me. "I swear I'm not--" and I stopped. I'm sure everyone with Anorexia Nervosa said they weren't. "Look, give me food right now, I'll eat it in front of you, whatever you give me I'll eat."<br />
<br />
"Doctor, could I see you outside," Dr. Lee asked. The Dr. Choi nodded and walked with Dr. Lee out of the room.<br />
<br />
"I'm not anorexic," I said to the room in general.<br />
<br />
"Lily, it's okay if--"<br />
<br />
I cut Jong Hwa off, "I'm not anorexic, Jong Hwa. You have to believe me," I tried to convince him with what little voice I had. What happened to the nurse bringing me pain meds. Although my body barely registered the pain in light of this new revelation, I could still feel the echo of pain that had been there when I woke up.<br />
<br />
"Lily, what's been going on," Jong Hwa asked me in the same kind of voice the doctor had used. Like I was some wounded animal that everyone was afraid of. I think I could handle it better coming from the doctor, because he didn't know me, but I couldn't handle that voice from Jong Hwa. It made me feel weak and I wasn't weak.<br />
<br />
"Don't speak to me like that," I said to Jong Hwa and tried to take my hand out of his but in an instant, his hand became a steal vise as it closed around my palm and refused to let loose it's grip.<br />
<br />
"Like what," he asked.<br />
<br />
"Like I'm some child that needs taking care of," I said, still attempting to tug my hand out of his. I didn't have much strength to actually use my arm to it's full capacity but I wasn't sure if I would have been able to remove my hands even if I'd had full use of my appendages. "I've been doing just fine on my own and having you sit there and treat me like a naive child--"<br />
<br />
Ji Soo's abrupt laugh cut off the rest of my sentence. He had taken a seat and was now rubbing his face with both his hands. His laughter was only somewhat muffled by his hands but clear enough that I knew he was laughing sarcastically. "Now I know you need to get your head checked."<br />
<br />
"Ji Soo," Jong Hwa attempted to admonish but I suddenly felt like fighting. I wasn't sure if that was because I felt so helpless sitting here and basically immobile in this bed or because Ji Soo was the only one to not treat me like a baby.<br />
<br />
"No, Jong Hwa, let him say what he needs to say," I said, my words were thrown out like a challenge. "What did you want to say, Ji Soo?"<br />
<br />
"Oh, Lily, there's so much, I don't know where to begin," he laughed again, but not like he was actually enjoying this. More like he was spoiling for a fight as well.<br />
<br />
"Well, you obviously have something to say so say it," I said.<br />
<br />
"Fine. You are a coward," he spat out. All semblance of humor was gone. He looked me directly in the eye and said it and if I could have, I would have cringed away from the words. "You pretend to be strong and yet here we are, in a hospital that you yourself basically signed into."<br />
<br />
"I don't know what you are talking about," I said defensively.<br />
<br />
"Of course you don't because you are absolutely blind to everything around you right now," Ji Soo said. "You somehow convinced yourself that you don't need anyone and you've shut the rest of us out."<br />
<br />
"I never--"<br />
<br />
"Oh you knew what you were doing when you were doing it," Ji Soo exclaimed loudly. "You basically avoided us as much as possible. Even Mae Ri; you both used to be damn near inseparable but now look at you two," he flung his arm out as if to make his point. "Has it even occurred to you that she's not here?"<br />
<br />
I didn't want to admit it out loud but no, it hadn't occurred to me. I'd been so focused on Jong Hwa and then the doctor that I had barely registered anything else.<br />
<br />
"Didn't think so," Ji Soo said after reading my face. "You are so scared. You are terrified and you're trying to cover it up with-with-with whatever you've been doing these last few weeks, trying to prove yourself to the world but now, look at you." He actually tsked at me. "Is this why you worked so hard to stay in Korea? If it is, then it was a waste of your time and of Jong Hwa's. If this is the best you can do, then you might as well go home."<br />
<br />
"Ji Soo," Jong Hwa said sharply and he stood up abruptly. He turned towards Ji Soo who'd also stood up. I didn't know what to expect except from the looks of it, it looked like they might have actually thrown punches at each other. "That's enough."<br />
<br />
"I'm not saying anything you haven't already thought about but fine, comfort her if that's what you think she needs. Me? I think she needs a reality check," Ji Soo tossed out before turning on his heel and walking out the door.<br />
<br />
***<br />
<br />
<i>Ji Soo...</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
I shut the door behind me, leaned against it and just breathed. I couldn't shake the feeling that what Lily needed wasn't comfort. I mean, we had all been comforting Lily since the moment her father left and it obviously wasn't working. With everything that had been found out this morning, I couldn't help but get more and more angry as each new revelation but the final straw had been watching Jong Hwa comfort her.<br />
<br />
It was in Jong Hwa's nature to care for others and I understood that but hadn't we let Lily wallow long enough? Of course, she wouldn't think she'd been wallowing but quite honestly, I wasn't sure what she'd been thinking to begin with. None of us had, apparently otherwise we wouldn't have been so shocked. The more and more I thought it though the more I felt like I was right, she needed a reality check.<br />
<br />
How she was going to get it, I didn't know but I couldn't go back into that room without either controlling my anger or coming up with a solution. Just what the hell did Lily need?<br />
<br />
"Giving them some privacy," Abeoji asked me as he came back down the hallway.<br />
<br />
"No, I just couldn't sit there and watch them," the more I thought about it the more infuriated I got about the whole situation. I gripped the back of my neck to help ease some of the tension but it didn't really help. "No good will come from me sitting in that room and watching him coddle her."<br />
<br />
"Jong Hwa is only doing what he knows how to do; take care of her," Abeoji said and sat down in one of the chairs that lined the hallway. He patted the seat next to him and since I had nothing else better to do, I sat down. "I know it's frustrating; not being able to help when you want to is one of the hardest part of being a doctor. If this is the field you want to go into, it's best now if you get used to it."<br />
<br />
"But she's my friend,' I said like that made all he difference in the world. Like I was suppose to be able to help her more because of our friendship. It seemed underneath it all, friends or no friends, you never truly understood another person.<br />
<br />
"That's what makes it harder, not easier," Abeoji sighed and leaned back. "You know, when your mom died, it was the most angriest I've ever been. I knew theoretically how to help her but none of the medicines were helping. I had to sit back and watch her get sicker and sicker despite all the knowledge I had." Abeoji sat in silence for a few minutes while he worked through his thoughts.<br />
<br />
We rarely ever spoke about mom, not because he didn't want to talk about her, I knew he did but because I was afraid that if he did start talking about her I'd feel, well, nothing. I had vague memories of her but nothing solid, nothing that felt like anything more than a dream I barely remembered. I wanted to pretend that my lack of emotion towards not having a mother was just because I didn't remember the love she had for me rather than a lack of compassion on my part. Because of that I'd always shied away from any stories Abeoji might have told me to avoid the guilt of being an unloving son towards a mom I could barely picture in my head. This, however, was the first time he spoke about her death.<br />
<br />
I wondered if Jong Hwa was feeling how my father had felt all those years ago, having to sit around while you watch your loved one getting sicker and sicker. Then I thought about what had just took place and instead of anger, and frustration, I just felt sadness and guilt. I had probably just made things worse with my little tantrum. "Aish," I grumbled and slid farther into the chair.<br />
<br />
"I understand," my father gripped my knee and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "I understand."<br />
<br />
***<br />
<br />
<i>Lily...</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Following Ji Soo's departure, Jong Hwa sat back down and reached for my hand. "Don't worry about him, he's just worried about you, we all are," he said.<br />
<br />
"You say that but you're probably thinking the same thing he is, that I'm crazy," I said. I was still angry; I was angry at everything, my life, God, those damn stairs! If I had just let go of the bucket or mop sooner I could have caught myself and I wouldn't have ended up here.<br />
<br />
"I don't think you are crazy," Jong Hwa said easily. He idly traced patterns on the back of my hand and I found it distracting and maddening at the same time. I wanted someone to yell, to scream or do <i>something</i> I could take my own personal frustrations out on and I almost regretted having Ji Soo leave. Jong Hwa no longer sounded like he pitied me, in fact, a strange sense of calm had come over him after Ji Soo made his rather uneventful departure.<br />
<br />
"Then what are you thinking," I asked defensively. Gah, if he was smart he'd just leave but I couldn't bring myself to tell him to go.<br />
<br />
"I'm thinking he's right," Jong Hwa said in the same, easy tones as before.<br />
<br />
"He's...right," I repeated in shock. I was hurt, it was ridiculously unfair of me but I could feel all the anger I had inside of me, all the frustration and sadness that had just been swirling around me for the past few weeks finally found an escape route and it just happened to be Jong Hwa. "You think I'm a coward? Is that really what you think of me? Well I guess I'm glad the truth finally came out."<br />
<br />
I tried to pull my hand away but just like before, he had my hand in a vise-like grip and showed no signs of letting go. "Let go of me," I said dangerously quiet at first.<br />
<br />
"No," he said simply.<br />
<br />
"Let go of me, Jong Hwa," I said again but a little louder this time. "Let go of me and get out," is what I said out loud except the irrational part of me wanted him to ignore me.<br />
<br />
"I'm not going anywhere," he said. His other hand which had been supporting his body on the bed now cupped the other side so my hand was held between both of his.<br />
<br />
The movement made my insides clench the familiar feeling of a panic attack was slowly rising into my chest. "Let go of me," I couldn't shake the panic and it gave me a surprising boost in strength. It was, quite literally, fight versus flight, the only problem was I wanted to go in both directions. I yanked my hand out of his and I think I caught him by surprise. "Get out," I said again.<br />
<br />
"No," he reached for my hand again and caught it even though I was trying to push his hands away. I used my other hand to pull myself up higher on the bed so I could get the momentum I needed to push him away. "Lily stop," he said in the same calm voice and it was starting to grate on my nerves.<br />
<br />
"Get away from me, get out," I was like a wild animal with no rationale. I just wanted him gone so I could go back to doing what I had been doing before, surviving. I just needed to keep surviving and I couldn't do that if Jong Hwa was around. "Please, just leave me alone," I pushed at him harder and all he did was come closer and closer until our bodies were no more than a foot apart.<br />
<br />
It had been hard to push him away when he was farther down the bed but now that he was so close, I couldn't get the leverage I needed to shove him back, not that I would have if I had the chance. I wanted Jong Hwa gone but I didn't want to hurt him, "Please just go." His proximity did nothing to help the panic that was very quickly threatening to take over, I could already feel the constriction of airflow to my lungs.<br />
<br />
Faster than I could have imagined he pulled me up and encircled my shoulders with both of his arms and just held tightly. Time stopped, even my panic attack hit pause as I registered the movement and felt his warmth surround me. "I don't think you're crazy and I don't think you are a coward," he said fiercely into my ear, his earlier calm all but evaporated in that moment. "I do think you need a reality check," he finished.<br />
<br />
He pulled back and cupped my face gently while looking directly into my eyes. My usually easy-going Jong Hwa looked anything but as he said the next few words, "So here's reality: I'm not leaving. I'm not ever going to leave, do you understand?" He didn't wait for me to say anything before he continued. "I'm here, Lily. I'm <i>here.</i>"<br />
<br />
It was like he hit an off switch in my head; I stopped fighting him and just sat there and looked into his eyes.<br />
<br />
"I'm here," he said once more just in case I hadn't heard the last two. "I'm here with you. If you struggle, I struggle. When you are in pain, I'm in pain. I'm not going anywhere so please," he voice cracked and I could see how shiny his eyes had become. "Please stop trying to push me away."<br />
<br />
Whatever shaky pillar that had been holding me up these last few weeks crumbled and I just fell into his arms and true to his words, like always, Jong Hwa was there to catch me. He held me tightly as I sobbed out all of my pain and anger and frustration until I had almost nothing left and I was more tired than even before. He supplied me with tissues until I felt like my face wasn't a watery, snotty mess and I could finally look him in the eyes again.<br />
<br />
"Do you want to lay down," he asked me kindly. "Are you still in pain?"<br />
<br />
I thought about it and realized that although I was still stiff and sore in places, I wasn't in the excruciating pain I'd been in earlier which surprised me since I'd just wracked my body with sobs and should be feeling even worse but I wasn't. Adrenaline, maybe? I shook my head but laid back down on the bed. "I'm sorry," I said quietly. I didn't even know how to apologize for the last few weeks, and I couldn't even imagine how to begin to make up for all the stupid things I'd said and did.<br />
<br />
"Don't," Jong Hwa said as he lifted himself up enough to pull the covers to my chin. "When you're better, you'll pay me back."<br />
<br />
"I don't even know where to start," I admitted and reached for his hand, he grasped it and brought it to his lips. The move was so cheesy that I couldn't contain my chuckle.<br />
<br />
"I have ideas," He smiled sheepishly and looked down like he was embarrassed. This was my Jong Hwa, I thought. I missed him, it felt like I hadn't seen this side of Jong Hwa in a long time. Before my dad kicked me out, back when things were simple, maybe? Or, I thought, as simple as my life ever got.<br />
<br />
"Should I be worried," I asked.<br />
<br />
"No, it's just--," he shook his head and laughed at himself. "There are things I want to do with you, like date-type things." His face looked a little pink and he looked away from me.<br />
<br />
"I love you," I said. I said it mostly because I wanted to see his reaction and I wasn't disappointed. He looked up at me with surprise in his face. His mouth formed a small 'o' like he was surprised I'd said it at all. I also said it because I should have said it two weeks ago and hadn't. Heck, I should have said it two months ago and just couldn't work up the courage. Jong Hwa had taken all the steps and now it was my turn.<br />
<br />
"I love you, Jong Hwa," I said it again. "But I'm afraid to."<br />
<br />
"I know," he said.<br />
<br />
"I don't know how to move past the fear," I admitted. "If this," I gestured the space between us. "If this doesn't work, it will break me and I," I cleared me throat. "I don't ever want to feel this pain again."<br />
<br />
"Come here," he said. I was just about to push myself into a sitting position when he laid down next to me on his side and opened his arms. I hesitated for only a moment before I turned into him and let him put his arms around me. "I'll show you I'm not leaving, you'll just have to trust me until then."<br />
<br />
And if there was anyone I trusted, it was Jong Hwa. I silently prayed that he never changed his mind before falling asleep in his arms.<br />
<br />
***<br />
<br />
<i>Minnesota, United States...</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
I couldn't get a hold of my daughter. The last communication I'd had from her was almost two months ago. I'd even heard more recently from her father, an email he'd sent tell me that he was moving them back to the States. I'd sent Lily an email almost immediately but I hadn't gotten a reply. Not entirely unusual but then I sent another one and then finally a third, all without reply. Unsure of what was going on, I sent her a couple of text messages and then finally called her except her phone at been disconnected. Instead of being panicked, I'd taken it as a good sign--assuming she'd gotten a new, local number and just hadn't called me yet.<br />
<br />
So I waited, and waited and now, nearly two weeks after they were suppose to have come home, I still hadn't heard a damn thing from either Greg or Lily. Enough was enough, I thought and that's how I found myself at Fort Ripley on a Friday afternoon asking for Greg.<br />
<br />
"May I ask who you are," the soldier behind the receptionist desk asked me in a polite voice.<br />
<br />
"His wife," I could barely keep my anger out of my voice. I couldn't believe it had come to this, I shouldn't have had to drive all the way here just to find out where my daughter was.<br />
<br />
"Ah," the man looked confused before picking up the phone and dialing Greg's number anyway. "Yeah, Sergeant Smith, your-ah-your wife is here to see you." The man smiled up at me before turning discreetly to the left and said in a slightly muffled voice. "She doesn't look happy." He jerked the phone away form his ear and just stared at it for a second before hanging up. "He-ah-said he'd be right up."<br />
<br />
I was willing to bet money that was not the words he'd chosen but the result was the same, I figured. It was nearly thirty minutes before Greg came out to the front desk. I hadn't seen him in almost four years and the rush of emotions that swirled up inside of me was mixed, at best. It did nothing to help my anger however.<br />
<br />
"What the hell is going on," I said as soon as he got close enough.<br />
<br />
"Now, Diane, calm down," Greg said in a pseudo-calm voice.<br />
<br />
"Absolutely not," I pointed my finger in his face. "I have not heard from either you or Lily in weeks, no calls, no texts, nothing. What is going on," I repeated my question in my best 'no-bullshit' voice.<br />
<br />
"There was a bit of a situation, I'm attempting to handle it," Greg said and I felt all the anger flow out of me. This couldn't be good. I almost collapsed but Greg helped me to a nearby chair and I sat down.<br />
<br />
"Oh God, what happened," I asked, my thoughts only on Lily. "Is she depressed again? What's happened with my baby?"<br />
<br />
"It's nothing like that," he waved off my concerns and I felt instantly better.<br />
<br />
"Oh thank God," I sighed in relief. "Is she just angry? Why hasn't she texted me or called even?"<br />
<br />
"Now, Diane, don't get mad," Greg said which told me all I needed to know--whatever he said next was going to piss me off. "Lily is still in Korea."<br />
<br />
"What," I said in complete disbelief.<br />
<br />
"She didn't want to leave," Greg went on like I hadn't said anything. "She's found a program, I don't know. I wasn't really paying attention when I locked her out of the apartment, I was just so angry. I assumed she'd give in and meet me at the airport once she realized the kind of mistake she was making but then she didn't show up, and I had already paid for the plane ticket, her's too actually but they refunded--"<br />
<br />
"WHAT DID YOU DO," I screamed at him. Rage boiled inside of me and I found myself steady on my feet and in Greg's face.<br />
<br />
Everyone that had been within a 50 foot radius stopped moving and just stared at us but I couldn't care less.<br />
<br />
"Diane," Greg foolishly admonished. "I told you not to get angry."<br />
<br />
The fight that ensued would be one for the ages.<br />
<br />
<i>To Be Continued...</i></div>
Aunniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15498782048239279549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-945360422188709746.post-88108640188424483482014-05-03T09:18:00.001-07:002014-05-03T09:18:51.224-07:00Nae Chingu (M Friends) Chapter Nineteen<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><u><span style="font-size: large;">Nae Chingu (My Friends)</span></u></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><u><span style="font-size: large;">Chapter Nineteen</span></u></b></div>
<br />
<i>Jong Hwa...</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
When Ji Soo hung up, I just stared at the phone in confusion. 'Something's come up'? What could possible have come up that made Ji Soo feel the need to call him at, I glanced at the clock on my phone, a little after four a.m.? A slither of worry inched it's way into my head as I got up to get dressed. I dressed in a pair of jeans and a simple shirt rather than my school uniform since I didn't know what to expect but to be on the safe side, I packed it in my backpack just in case.<br />
<br />
When I left my bedroom I shut it as softly as I could so I didn't wake my mother up, who had ears of a hawk--she'd raised three boys, she had a lot of experience in picking up the smallest of sounds. I did, however, leave her a note explaining that I needed to leave earlier than expected and that I'd call her later to explain.<br />
<br />
By the time I walked out my front door, Ji Soo's dad was just pulling in front of the house. Ji Soo didn't look at me as I climbed into the backseat. His father was busy speaking into the phone to even glance at me.<br />
<br />
"No," his father said. "She doesn't have a history of that, at least nothing's been noted," he listened to the response. "We are en route to the hospital," some more listening.<br />
<br />
Hospital? I wanted to ask what was going on but I waited until his father hung up the phone to ask any questions. My palms started to sweat as we drove farther and farther into Seoul.<br />
<br />
"Please do and call me back," Abeonim said and hung up. I guess I expected someone to say something once the phone call ended but after a couple of minutes of silence, it was clear neither of them was going to offer any information.<br />
<br />
"What's going on," I asked cautiously. The silence dragged on and each second that ticked by, I got more and more worried. "Ji Soo--"<br />
<br />
"At 3:45 this morning, Lily was taken to Wusoo Hospital from an apparent head injury," Abeonim stated matter of factly.<br />
<br />
My chest seized up and it hurt to breath. I wanted to ask what had happened but I couldn't get my lungs to release any air. I looked between Abeonim and Ji Soo but Abeonim never took his eyes off the road and Ji Soo kept his silent stare out the window.<br />
<br />
"She's being taken for an CT now and then she'll get an MRI," Abeonim continued after a few silent moments. "It seems she fell down some stairs but we won't know much more until her labs come back."<br />
<br />
"She fell down--did she slip?" My head swam with all sorts of possibilities of what could have happened but my head kept coming back to the time. What was she doing at 3:45 in the morning that she fell down some stairs? Had she been going to the bathroom?<br />
<br />
"I don't know," Abeonim said honestly. "We'll know more once we get to the hospital."<br />
<br />
Realizing that I wasn't going to get any more information, I stayed silent while we drove to the hospital. Scenarios kept bouncing around my head and with each passing moment, they got worse and worse. It seemed like forever by the time we pulled into a parking spot outside of Wusoo Hospital and I had to refrain from jumping out and racing to the front doors. Instead, I walked side by side with Ji Soo behind Abeonim as we entered the hospital.<br />
<br />
Abeonim spoke with the receptionist in clipped, professional tones and it was all I could do not to scream at the lady to hurry up and find out where Lily was. I crossed my arms and uncrossed them multiple times before opting to put my hands in my pockets in an attempt to keep my worry and panic contained.<br />
<br />
The woman directed us to the fourth floor and we quickly left. There was another receptionist desk on the fourth floor and by then, my patience was all but spent.<br />
<br />
"I'm Dr. Lee Kang Bo, I'm here to see Lily Smith," Abeonim said in the same clipped and professional tone from downstairs and it was beginning to grate on my nerves, was I the only one that was worried here? Maybe I was blowing this out of proportion, I told myself. I'd once fallen down the stairs after my younger brother pushed me and I'd gotten back up and was fine. Maybe it was the same for Lily, maybe she'd just fallen and she'd panicked and came to the hospital. Rationally, I knew that wasn't the case because Lily would never make a fuss like this over nothing but maybe she'd had no choice. Maybe the hospital hadn't been her idea, I thought. I tried to calm down as we walked towards Lily's hospital room but I just couldn't shake the thought that something else had gone wrong.<br />
<br />
Ji Soo had yet to say anything to me since I'd walked out of the car, in fact, he hadn't said anything since I got in the car either but I tried not to let his silence bother me.<br />
<br />
We walked into Lily's room and found it completely empty. There was no bed, no machines and especially no Lily.<br />
<br />
"Where's--"<br />
<br />
"She's getting her scans done now, she should be back relatively soon," Abeonim anticipated my question. Because there were only two chairs in the room, I let Ji Soo and Abeonim take them since I didn't think I'd be able to sit still while we waited for Lily to come back.<br />
<br />
'Relatively soon' turned out to be almost an hour and it was just enough time to frazzle my already frayed nerves but as soon as the door opened, we all looked at it anxiously.<br />
<br />
They wheeled Lily in on a mobile bed and once the bed was maneuvered into the room, in came the rest of the machines that she was hooked up too. There was a bag full of clear liquid and a machine that rhythmically beeped in time with her heart. However, all of these things barely registered when I saw Lily's face; my stomach bottomed out and fell to my feet.<br />
<br />
Lily was pale, about as pale as someone with naturally tan skin can get, which only made the dark circles under her eyes stand out that much more. Then there were the bruises; along the right side of Lily's face were a series of bruises that all merged into a larger and darker purple bruise along her right jawline. Her head was wrapped in white gauze and I think that's when I forgot how to breath.<br />
<br />
Abeonim stayed utterly silent as he took in Lily's appearance but I heard Ji Soo take in a sharp breath, it seemed even he hadn't been prepared for the way Lily would look. This, I thought silently, this was more than just falling down the stairs. I didn't wait to be given permission, I just walked to Lily's side and as soon as they positioned the bed and put the breaks on it, I was sitting by her side with her hand in mine.<br />
<br />
"Lily," I whispered, thinking maybe she had just fallen asleep on her way back to the room.<br />
<br />
"She hasn't woken up yet," the nurse told me before turning to Abeonim. "Are you her guardian," she asked him.<br />
<br />
"Yes, I am," he nodded.<br />
<br />
"The doctor is on his way up to brief you," she said before leaving the room and shutting the door behind her.<br />
<br />
It was like it had been choreographed, as soon as the door was closed we all collectively looked back at Lily.<br />
<br />
"What does it mean that she hasn't woken up yet," I asked Abeonim quietly.<br />
<br />
"I don't know," he said.<br />
<br />
"But you are a doctor," my voice sounded harsh even to myself.<br />
<br />
"Ya," Ji Soo finally spoke to me, even if it was to scold me for my impoliteness.<br />
<br />
"It's alright, Ji Soo," Abeonim patted him on the shoulder. "He's worried just like we all are," he turned to me next. "I may be a doctor but without test results, I can't give you any answers. The doctor will be here soon, let's wait to hear from him before we panic," he said.<br />
<br />
Too late, I thought. I had gone beyond panic now and was firmly in the 'scared' column. I turned back to Lily and if I hadn't known it was her, I'd say she didn't look anything like the Lily I knew. Or, I thought, like the Lily from two weeks ago when I'd last seen her. Had she been avoiding me because of this? She looked ill. She'd known I would notice and she'd purposefully been avoiding not only me but Mae Ri as well. Even Mae Ri had caught on to the sudden distance Lily had put between us. At the time, I'd assumed it was because of what had happened between us that night but now--now I wasn't so sure.<br />
<br />
The doctor arrived a little while later and the grim look on his face said he didn't bring good news.<br />
<br />
"Are you the guardian," he asked Abeonim.<br />
<br />
"I'm Dr. Lee Kang Bo, yes," Abeonim said.<br />
<br />
The doctor looked pointedly at Ji Soo and I before addressing Abeonim again, "Would you like to discuss this in private?"<br />
<br />
"No," Abeonim said and I released the air in my lungs I hadn't known I'd been holding. "What did the tests say," he asked.<br />
<br />
"Well, her MRI is clear and the CT doesn't show any structural damage although she does have a hairline fracture on her jaw that will heal on it's own as long as she doesn't do any more damage to her face," the doctor said as he pulled a tablet out of his pocket. I assumed he was bringing up her chart or something because Abeonim bent down to look at the screen closely.<br />
<br />
"Must have been from a stair," Abeonim muttered thoughtfully.<br />
<br />
"That is my thinking as well," the doctor concurred. "However, none of this is the problem," he adjusted his hold on the tablet and brought up a new chart with the s-pen. "I believe this to be the problem."<br />
<br />
I felt like screaming because he wasn't saying out loud what the problem was and only Abeonim could see the tablet so Ji Soo and I were left sitting in the dark trying to discern a problem from Abeonim's face.<br />
<br />
Abeonim's eyes narrowed as he took a closer look at the screen, "This can't be right," he said.<br />
<br />
What couldn't be right?<br />
<br />
"I thought so too so I had her blood retested and the results were the same," he said. "As of right now, we've started her on fluids and once we feel like she's been hydrated enough we will start her on the basic nutrients starting with her potassium. This is all assuming, of course, that she hasn't woken up before then." The doctor finished and I had to dig my nails into my palm just to keep my mouth shut and not ask one of the million questions that were floating around in my head right now.<br />
<br />
"Thank you, Doctor," Abeonim said and bowed slightly. "However, if her numbers have gotten this low, shouldn't there have been signs before this?"<br />
<br />
"Yes, there should have been any number of them although it's different for everyone. I would suggest having her living quarters investigated to see if she hasn't been," he paused looking for the right words. "Hiding anything," he finished.<br />
<br />
"I will definitely look into that," Abeonim nodded. "How is she overall," he asked.<br />
<br />
"I suspect she'll make a full recovery once we've gotten her some of the vitamins and minerals she'd been starving herself of," the doctor nodded.<br />
<br />
I jerked my head around so I was looking at Lily. Starving herself? Now that he mentioned it, Lily had lost considerable weight in her face. I couldn't tell about the rest of her body because she was covered up by thick blankets but without the shadow of a doubt, I knew that she must have lost weight everywhere else too.<br />
<br />
By the time I turned back into the conversation, the doctor was just saying his goodbyes and taking his leave. This time, however, I didn't have to ask any of the questions myself, Ji Soo jumped in for me.<br />
<br />
"What did you see, Abeoji," Ji Soo asked as soon as the we were alone again.<br />
<br />
"All of Lily's essential nutrient levels are low," Abeonim said and he rubbed his face again. "Things like her potassium, iron, vitamin C, D, A, all of them are low. Low enough that," he sighed and shook his head. "Low enough to indicate that Lily was severely malnourished. The kind that looks like Anorexia Nervosa."<br />
<br />
"You think Lily was starving herself," Ji Soo asked and a sudden memory was triggered in my brain.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>...she eats her food so fast that she looks like she's starving every day...</i></blockquote>
I had forgotten all about Derek's words that night two weeks ago, especially after what had transpired between Lily and I after I'd spoken to him but they all came back with startling clarity now. Derek had warned me that Lily wasn't eating normally. She'd been eating at lunch but he hadn't seen her eat anywhere else, at the time he'd said it had been happening since she started at the new school. That was, I did a quick calculation in my head, almost a month ago.<br />
<br />
"I'm telling you Dad, Lily would never do such a thing," Ji Soo was saying to Abeonim when I finally started to speak up.<br />
<br />
"This is my fault," I cut in. And, without the shadow of a doubt, I knew those words to be true. This was my fault, if I hadn't been jealous of Derek, of the fact that he'd been watching her, or worried about what had happened afterwards, I would have paid more attention to Lily. I wouldn't have waited two weeks for Lily to come to me, I would have gone to her.<br />
<br />
"What do you mean," Ji Soo asked.<br />
<br />
"This isn't your fault, Jong Hwa, we all--" Abeonim tried to reassure me but I cut him off.<br />
<br />
"No, it is my fault. Derek tried to warn me but I didn't," I turned back to face them, "I didn't even think this was a possibility, I didn't even--"<br />
<br />
"Wait, Derek, as in that guy from her dorm?" Ji Soo asked for clarification.<br />
<br />
"Yeah," I nodded.<br />
<br />
"So Derek told you that Lily wasn't eating and you did what," Ji Soo's face become contorted in anger and for the first time in our ten years of friendship, Ji Soo was actually livid with me. I could see it in his eyes. "You decided to not tell anyone about it?"<br />
<br />
"He didn't say she wasn't eating, he just said that he'd only saw her eat at lunch," I said lamely. Ji Soo had every right to be angry with me, I'd completely messed up and Lily was paying the price.<br />
<br />
"How could you not say something," Ji Soo's voice, which rarely ever raised in anger, raised now.<br />
<br />
"I didn't think--"<br />
<br />
"You're damn right you didn--"<br />
<br />
"Stop," Abeonim's voice bellowed inside the small room and we both instantly stopped talking. Much like his son, Lee Kang Bo didn't get angry very often and when he did, well, you did what he asked you to do. "Do you two think bickering like children will help Lily? Do you think that she is so incompetent that she is helpless without you guys standing next to her?" He cleared his throat and then continued, "Lily is a big girl and can make her own decisions--even bad ones. Yes, Jong Hwa you should have said something when you heard that she wasn't eating but do not think so little of Lily that she can't be held accountable for her actions." He sighed audibly before muttering, "And I thought Mae Ri would be difficult."<br />
<br />
Ji Soo and I exchanged a look and I could see the anger slide out of his shoulders, "Abeoji's right."<br />
<br />
I couldn't deny that Abeonim had a point but I still couldn't shake the feeling that if I had been paying better attention, we wouldn't be sitting here right now. A knock sounded at the door and a nurse walked in carrying what looked to be Lily's backpack. "This was left in the Emergency Room," she said and Ji Soo walked over to grab it.<br />
<br />
I hadn't moved from my spot next to Lily and I had no intention of moving until she woke up. She'd cried out for me when she fainted before and I wanted to make sure I was there in case she cried out for me again. Although I hated it, I was hoping she would so that I wouldn't feel so useless.<br />
<br />
"Lily," I whispered to her, thinking maybe I could coax her into waking up. "Chagiya*, ireona*," the words left my mouth and surprised even me. I glanced quickly at Ji Soo. I had whispered the words but apparently not quietly enough because he gave me a calculating stare. He may not be as angry as he was a few minutes ago but it was clear he was still upset. We would handle it later when we were alone so until then, I decided to focus on Lily. I brushed my thumb down her uninjured cheek and her face didn't move at all, she must have been very deeply asleep. "The doctor said there was no brain damage, right?"<br />
<br />
"None that show up on the MRI," Abeonim said. He must have known where I was going with this because he answered my next question without me having to ask it. "She'll wake up after she's rested some," he said.<br />
<br />
Abeonim's phone went off after that and he stood up and walked to the other side of the room to answer it, not that he should have bothered because we could still hear him. "Yeobeoseyo?"<br />
<br />
There was silence as whoever on the other line spoke to him. "Her core levels are way too low," Abeonim answered a question we didn't hear. It must have been someone who knew Lily, but who? "No internal damage," he said to whoever was listening. It was silent on Abeonim's side for a long time while he listened, "she what?"<br />
<br />
I jerked my head around to look at Abeonim and I could tell by the shocked look on his face that it wasn't good.<br />
<br />
"No, she never--," he told the person to hold on and turned to Ji Soo and I. "Did you guys know Lily had a job?"<br />
<br />
I looked and Ji Soo and we both shook our heads. Lily had a job? Since when? I looked back at her and not for the first time, wished she'd wake up so I could ask her questions.<br />
<br />
"That's it?" Abeonim asked and then more silence. "No, I never saw a list, I didn't even know she needed--no, I didn't know," Abeonim's shoulders sagged as he said the last part. "In the trash?" A lot of them?" More silence, I didn't think I had enough energy to be more worried or scared than I already was but I was wrong. Everything Abeonim was saying didn't sound good, in fact, I was willing to bet my soul that there was more that Lily had been keeping from us, aside from having a job, apparently. A quick glance at Ji Soo told me he was assuming the same as he held two fingers to his left temple, like he had a headache.<br />
<br />
A new emotion was beginning to slither into my consciousness and it shocked even me; I realized aside from the worry and fear, I was also angry. It felt like betrayal and no matter how much I tried to temper down the anger, I couldn't. Certainly, I was worried about her and I most definitely was afraid for Lily but I was also furious with her, how could she have let this happen to herself?<br />
<br />
I was so busy trying to gain control over my emotions that I hadn't heard Abeonim hang up the phone.<br />
<br />
"What now," Ji Soo asked in a voice that sounded as tired as he looked.<br />
<br />
"I think we are going to need to wait until Lily wakes up to get more answers," Abeonim said and he returned to his seat. "There were bloody tissues in her trash, enough of them that it's, well, it's no surprise she ended up in the hospital."<br />
<br />
"Who was that," I asked numbly. With each bit of news, my chest had begun to hurt more and more and I didn't know how much more I could take.<br />
<br />
"Soo Chan Min, her program adviser," Abeonim told me.<br />
<br />
"What else did he say," Ji Soo asked.<br />
<br />
"Just that Lily didn't have much in her room," Abeonim said and looked as confused as the rest of us.<br />
<br />
"What does that have to do with anything," Ji Soo asked before I could.<br />
<br />
"Well, it sounded like it shocked Chan Min, he said he'd given Lily a list of items she could bring," Abeonim said. "He assumed that when she started working she'd start buying stuff for her room but all he found were bathing supplies and some detergent."<br />
<br />
"That's it," I asked.<br />
<br />
"I guess so, she didn't even have bedsheets, he said," Abeonim leaned back in his chair and rested his head against the wall behind him.<br />
<br />
"No bedsheets? What has she been been sleeping with," Ji Soo asked, sounding astonished.<br />
<br />
"Chan Min said he was going to get a hold of her roommate and see what she knew," Abeonim shrugged, he sounded tired.<br />
<br />
Abruptly, Ji Soo stood up and reached down for Lily's backpack and placed it on his now empty seat. Before anyone could ask what he was doing, he unzipped the big pocket and started pulling out items.<br />
<br />
"What are you doing," I asked him.<br />
<br />
"Seeing what else Lily's been hiding," Ji Soo said matter-of-factly.<br />
<br />
"Wait, stop, that's her priva--"<br />
<br />
"Oh my god," Ji Soo's words burst out of his mouth and he shoved the backpack into the chair, like he couldn't hold back any more. "Look around you, Jong Hwa! We are in a hospital."<br />
<br />
"I know--"<br />
<br />
"No, I don't think you understand," Ji Soo said angrily and he just stared at me disbelievingly. "Take a look at her face," and unwittingly I did. "This is not okay, Jong Hwa. None of this is okay. She is not okay," he said and took a deep breath and his voice lowered for his next words. "She doesn't get privacy anymore," he went back to pulling things out of her backpack and I couldn't find it within me to try and stop him. I just stared at her face and knew he was right, this wasn't okay.<br />
<br />
"What is that," I heard Abeonim say and I was able to pull my eyes off Lily's face, but only barely.<br />
<br />
"What--"<br />
<br />
"Is that money," Abeonim asked. I couldn't see what he was talking about since Ji Soo's back was blocking my view and I tried to crane my neck around to see what they were looking at.<br />
<br />
"It is," Ji Soo said and he sounded distant. "And a lot of it."<br />
<br />
"Let me see," I said and Ji Soo turned around.<br />
<br />
In his hands he held two medium sized baggies with wads of cash in each. He set one down and started to open the one he held but a voice stopped him before he could.<br />
<br />
"Please don't touch my money," Lily's hushed voice said from behind me.<br />
<br />
At once, all three of us stared at her. Lily had finally woken up.<br />
<br />
<i>To Be Continued...</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
***<br />
<br />
*<i>Chagiya: </i> "Baby" it's a term of endearment for couples and used most commonly only within a couple dynamic<br />
<br />
*<i>Ireona: </i>"Wake up"Aunniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15498782048239279549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-945360422188709746.post-48767814960501922992014-04-12T08:22:00.002-07:002014-04-12T08:22:53.227-07:00Nae Chingu (My Friends) Chapter Eighteen<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><u><span style="font-size: large;">Nae Chingu (My Friends)</span></u></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><u><span style="font-size: large;">Chapter Eighteen</span></u></b></div>
<br />
The days following the night Mae Ri, Ji Soo and Jong Hwa visited me seemed to blur by. I continued the same routine; I'd get up, clean, go to school, come back to the dorms, do homework and sleep only to get up and clean again. After another week passed by, I came to the startling conclusion that I'd managed to put myself on autopilot. I hardly registered the actions my hands were taking or the words that were coming out of my mouth whenever I spoke to someone. I did what I needed to do and moved on to the next step, whatever that was at that moment.<br />
<br />
I had started to buy cheap packs of tissues to keep with me at all times because of the frequent nosebleeds I was getting. I used to laugh at the Korean dramas that often showed a student having nosebleeds while studying and hadn't realized that it was a real thing. I kept my waste basket under my desk and tucked behind my chair. Not because I didn't want people, most especially my roommate, to see that all my efforts were beginning to take a toll on my body but because it was gross and no one needed to see it. At least that was what I had convinced myself was the reason, deep down I think I knew I was overworking myself.<br />
<br />
My eating habits had changed as well. I was rarely ever free enough to grab dinner and on the days when I worked in the morning, I never stopped to get breakfast so lunch was now my main--if not my only--meal of the day. It was kind of a good thing, I discovered, when I'd realized I'd lost some weight. Enough that I now had to use a zip tie I'd found at work to cinch two belt loops together so my pants didn't hang halfway down my hips. Just you wait, Mae Ri, I'll be your size yet, I thought when I realized how much weight I'd truly worked off.<br />
<br />
In the interim since my conversation with Brian on the bus I had done some serious reflection on what I wanted and I had decided what I wanted was to no longer be afraid of failing. I had begun stock piling my weekly earnings into little baggies that I carried around with me and didn't spend any of it unless it was absolutely necessary. Of course, I spared the few bucks it took to replenish my shampoo and conditioner but I'd convinced myself I didn't need the measly things like bed sheets or socks. I continued to sleep with my jacket, despite the warmer weather that said Spring was on it's way and I washed my only pair of socks every night before bed.<br />
<br />
If anyone had seen a change in my demeanor, no one said anything and that was exactly how I preferred it. I kept up the minimal contact to keep up appearances but never did more than was required. This seemed to appease Mae Ri but only proved to upset Jong Hwa whenever I sent him reply messages that were only a few words long. It seemed he'd reached his limit two weeks after the last time I'd seen him.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>I'm coming to see you tomorrow. We need to talk.</i></blockquote>
I read the text and felt a small amount of panic flit through me. I didn't want to see him, I'd finally gotten used to not having him around and I knew that if I saw him tomorrow, it'd rip down all the defenses I'd spent the last two weeks building.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>Can't. I have a study group until late. Another time? </i></blockquote>
It was a lie because tomorrow was Thursday and we'd had our study group today but he didn't know that.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>Lily, I know you're avoiding me. I need to see you.</i></blockquote>
I glanced at the clock and noted that it was nearly ten at night and I had only manged to complete about two-thirds of the homework that was due tomorrow.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>I'm not avoiding you. I'm just busy. I'm tired so I'm going to bed. We'll talk later.</i></blockquote>
I thought he'd push the issue but instead his reply was only one word:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>Fine.</i></blockquote>
I put my phone down and ignored the pain that always seemed to prick at my heart whenever I thought of Jong Hwa.<br />
<br />
I worked on my homework until I just couldn't any more, my eyes had started to burn and it was late enough that I knew getting up at two-thirty in the morning was going to be difficult so I took out the small piece of tissue I'd shoved up my left nostril to block my latest nosebleed and went to bed.<br />
<br />
Per usual, I zipped up my jacket and ascended the first step of my bunk bed ladder when a wave of dizziness had me reaching backwards to catch myself on the closet door. I managed to stop myself from falling to the floor but my closet door, which hadn't been all the way shut, slammed closed and left a resounding crash that instantly woke up Emily.<br />
<br />
"Wha-" she looked around until she saw me awkwardly standing on one leg with my other leg still on the first rung and shaking my head to try and stop the dizziness. "What are you doing," she shrieked which only made me wince in pain at the volume.<br />
<br />
"Sorry, I slipped," I muttered and tried the first step again.<br />
<br />
"Oh my god," she huffed angrily and laid back down.<br />
<br />
You little brat, I thought to myself. Couldn't even ask if I was okay? This time I was able to get to my bed without another dizzy spell and felt all my tension drain away as soon as I put my head on my makeshift pillow.<br />
<br />
All too soon my alarm was going off again and I dismissed it quickly in fear of waking Emily up again. Lord only knew what'd she do to me the next time I jolted her out of sleep and I didn't have enough energy to waste on dealing with her.<br />
<br />
I was careful as I descending the steps and realized I'd forgotten to pack my bag the previous night. So I gathered my books, my uniform and checked to make sure my money was in my bag before I left.<br />
<br />
The walk to work wasn't nearly as bad now that the weather had started to get better, in fact, the spring air was refreshing and made me a little lightheaded. When I got to the club, my mood had taken a drastic upturn and I felt a little floaty. I checked in with the night time security guy and as per usual, started on the upstairs. It seemed like business had been slow the previous night because only four of the eight karaoke rooms had been used. It was always nice when I had less work, maybe, if I finished with work in time, I could even run by the cafeteria at the dorms and pick up something for breakfast.<br />
<br />
I had just finished the last karaoke room when I picked up the small bucket of water and the mop I'd used to wash the floors and went to take them downstairs. I only got down three steps when another wave of dizziness overtook me but this time, with my hands full, I didn't have anything to stop me from falling. Everything had gone black by the time I reached the bottom of the stairs.<br />
<br />
***<br />
<br />
<i>One Week Ago...</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
I had set up an appointment with the Director since he'd wanted me to come see him. I just got off of school and the only thing really on my mind was to get home and get some homework tonight and sleep but I gathered up the courage to come see him despite all that. I felt like I was tired all the time and since today was a Monday, I didn't have to work in the morning so it was my day to catch up on sleep.<br />
<br />
The receptionist waved me towards the seating area and said it would be a few minutes before the Director came to get me. So I sat and waited. True to her word, the Director hadn't made me sit long before he came out of the side door and greeted me with a wide smile. He hadn't changed much in the month since I'd last seen him.<br />
<br />
"Ah, thank you Lily for coming to see me," I stood up and bowed to him respectfully.<br />
<br />
"Hello, Director," I said but left it at that because I didn't really now what else to say.<br />
<br />
"Are you hungry? I'm hungry, let's get something to eat," he didn't even wait for a reply before he started walking towards the front door and out onto the street. "Spring," he said while he took a deep breath in through his nose. "It's close, I can smell it."<br />
<br />
"Yes, Director," I followed a little behind him, unsure of what this was all leading too. If he was going to scold me for having a job, this seemed an odd way of doing it.<br />
<br />
"Do you like fish cakes," He asked me when he stopped at the corner of street and looked left and right.<br />
<br />
"Yes," I told him.<br />
<br />
"Me too, I know a place that sells really good fish cakes," he took an immediate left and steered us towards a street vendor that sold food.<br />
<br />
"I'm sorry, Sir, but what is this about," I asked as I followed behind him.<br />
<br />
"We'll get to it, don't worry," he said which only caused me to worry more. It had to be serious if he wasn't willing to even give me a hint.<br />
<br />
He ordered the food and even I had to admit that it smelled delicious and when it arrived, I dug into the fish ball soup with fervor.<br />
<br />
"I was going to say it looked like you'd lost weight since I last saw you but it seems that you have a healthy appetite," the Director said jovially and he continued to eat his soup at a leisurely pace. "Do you like tteokbokki?"<br />
<br />
"You don't have--"<br />
<br />
"Ajumma*," the Director called to the woman behind the small kitchenette. "Tteokbokki juseyo*," he ordered a round of spicy rice cakes before I could decline his offer.<br />
<br />
"Ah, Ye," she called back and brought us the food and gave us each a toothpick to eat it with.<br />
<br />
The Director speared a rice noodle and swirled it around the sauce before putting it in his mouth. I did the same because it would be rude to decline the food after he'd ordered it.<br />
<br />
"So I hear you are all by yourself now," the Director said without preamble and had me nearly choking on my own noodle.<br />
<br />
"Yes, sir," I confirmed as I wiped a little sauce from my lip.<br />
<br />
"Is that why you got a job," he asked before he spooned more soup into his mouth.<br />
<br />
"To make money, yes," I answered and put down my toothpick.<br />
<br />
"Ani, meogeo*," he gestured for me to take another bite of noodle.<br />
<br />
I picked up another piece of noodle and put it in my mouth and waited to see what he said next.<br />
<br />
"How is the job going," he asked me after another moment.<br />
<br />
"Good, sir," I said simply. There was no way I was going to tell him how tired working actually made me.<br />
<br />
"What do you do," I could tell he was getting to his point because he'd stopped eating his soup and seemed to keep looking off into the distance, anywhere but at me and it made me feel like at any moment the other shoe was going to drop.<br />
<br />
"I clean, sir," I said and put down my toothpick again.<br />
<br />
"Where," he asked.<br />
<br />
"Do I have to tell you," I was getting tired of this interrogation and I wish he'd just tell me what he wanted to tell me already. However I knew better than to be rude, so I made sure my tone stayed even.<br />
<br />
"Did you know I'm well within my rights to remove you from the program," he said nonchalantly like he hadn't just potentially upended my world.<br />
<br />
"What," I asked loudly and the Ajumma turned to look at us.<br />
<br />
"Don't worry, I'm not threatening you," he said quietly and looked back at me. "But I will if I find out this job is causing issues with school." He let his words sink in and I felt he'd just slapped me on the hands with a ruler. "In this world, education is the only constant. Things are always changing and evolving and people are constantly learning just to keep up with it."<br />
<br />
"You're special, Lily," he said and once again looked away as he spoke. "I've seen older people than you cave to lesser struggles. Chan Min saw it in you the first time you came to his office and I saw it in you the day I interviewed you. You're special and you've got something about you that makes people want to protect you," he said.<br />
<br />
"I don't need--"<br />
<br />
"You're tough, I'll give you that but even the strongest can fall," he said easily as his gaze came back to mine. "History is proof of that," he finished. "I want to see you excel and I'm willing to jump through all kinds of hoops to make sure my students have all that they need to succeed in this program but it all starts with you."<br />
<br />
For the second time in week, I felt like I had just been scolded. First by Brian, and now the Director. What, were the words 'troubled kid' tattooed on my forehead or something? With nothing else I <i>could</i> say I simply nodded and waited in silence until he finished the rest of his soup.<br />
<br />
"Hmm, masissda*," he put a few won on the table and stood up and I followed suit. He waved to the Ajumma who smiled and waved back as she continued to work on another group's order and we headed back in the direction of the ESE building.<br />
<br />
"Thank you for the food," I told him once we reached the building. I hadn't planned on going back inside but he waved me towards the door anyway.<br />
<br />
"Chan Min wanted to see you before you headed back to the dorms," he said.<br />
<br />
"Why," I asked carefully.<br />
<br />
"You'll need to ask him," he said with a smile and waved to me as he continued to talk past the building and down the opposite way we'd come.<br />
<br />
I reluctantly reentered the building and told the receptionist to let Chan Min know I was here to see him now. Rather than waiting, she ushered me straight back to him and I walked to his desk without an escort.<br />
<br />
He was clicking away at his computer when I knocked lightly on the plastic lining of his cubicle to get his attention. "Ah, Lily, you're here." He hit save on whatever document he was working on and spun around on his chair to give me a smile. <br />
<br />
"You wanted to see me," I said and sat down in the visitor's chair.<br />
<br />
"Yeah, I was going through your file to make sure I had everything for your graduation in a few months and noticed that the form you previously filled out for your emergency contact information listed your father as your emergency contact. Did you," he looked a little sheepish and he carefully chose his next few words. "Did you want to update that information?"<br />
<br />
He handed me the paper I'd filled out a month ago. Had it really already been almost a month since I'd been on my own in Korea? I'd say time really flew by when you were having fun except the last four weeks had been anything but fun.<br />
<br />
"I suppose I should," I said and reached for a pen on his desk. I hesitated when it came to crossing out my father's name out but knew I had no other choice. I hadn't heard a peep from him since he'd left and I hadn't even gotten a hold of my mother. I wonder what he'd told her when she realized I hadn't come home with him. Had she even tried to get a hold of me? I wouldn't know since my phone was turned off but I suspected she'd at least tried once. I stared at the blank line and wondered who I'd put, I had no one else in the country that could put on that line.<br />
<br />
"If you don't have anyone else to put, you could just put me," Chan Min said after a minute of struggling to think of someone. "I mean, it doesn't have to be your parent. It could be anyone you would trust to make decisions for you if you ever unable to make them for yourself."<br />
<br />
Who did I trust enough to make decisions for me? The first person to pop up in my head had been Jong Hwa. He was still a high school student though so he wasn't eligible to be my working guardian. His mother maybe? No, I couldn't put that kind of pressure on her.<br />
<br />
"Do you maybe have a doctor you trust on the base that you would feel comfortable being your emergency contact," Chan Min suggested and it clicked. No, I didn't have a doctor on base, but I <i>did</i> have a doctor.<br />
<br />
I put Ji Soo's father's name on the line. The only problem was I didn't have his cell number. "I'm going to put down a number but it's not his. It's his son's, you'll just have to ask to speak to Lee Kang Bo. But I honestly don't think you'll ever have to use this," I laughed lightly. Or at least, I hoped not.<br />
<br />
Chan Min nodded and took the sheet when handed it back to him and put it in my file. "Glad that's taken care of," he said and turned around and just looked at me. "How are you, Lily," he asked.<br />
<br />
"I'm-I'm good," I said and managed to keep most of the tension out of my voice.<br />
<br />
"Dahaengida*," he said and leaned back in his chair. "I don't want to keep you, I know you must have homework but you'll call if you need anything, right?" He made the universal sign for a phone and held it up to his ear.<br />
<br />
"Yes," I affirmed and stood up.<br />
<br />
It wouldn't be until later that the importance that meeting with Chan Min would be until I found myself in the hospital.<br />
<br />
***<br />
<br />
<i>Present Day...</i><br />
<i>Ji Soo...</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
My phone rang shrilly by my bedside and woke me out of a deep sleep instantly. I picked it up and noted the time as well as the fact that it was a number I'd never seen before. I debated on whether or not to answer it. I decided that it must be important for someone to call at four in the morning and put the phone to my ear.<br />
<br />
"Yeobeoseyo," I said sleepily into the phone.<br />
<br />
"Is this Lee Kang Bo," a man's voice said on the other end.<br />
<br />
I pulled the phone away from my face to make sure it truly was mine and hadn't gotten mixed up with my father's. "Aniyo, jjamkkanmanyo," I got up from bed and slowly made my way to my father's room and opened the door. My father's snores almost instantly stopped the second I called his name. He may not work in the hospital any more but he still maintained the hospital mindset and could wake up instantly and be alert no matter what. I dropped onto the side of the bed he didn't use and passed the phone over even as I swung an arm over my eyes.<br />
<br />
"What is it," he said as he rubbed his eyes.<br />
<br />
"I don't know, someone called for you," I said. "Here," I said, shaking the phone so he'd grab it.<br />
<br />
"Yeobeoseyo," I heard my father say into the phone.<br />
<br />
There was silence and then my father shot up in bed and nearly dislodged me from my side when he pulled the covers. "Mworigo*," he said loudly into the phone. I sat up next to him and could tell by the look on his face and the sound of his voice that whatever it was, it was serious. But why would they be calling on my phone, whoever it was.<br />
<br />
"I'm on my way," he said briskly and hung up. He wasted no time in getting out of bed and threw clothes on haphazardly.<br />
<br />
"Abeoji, mwoya," I asked him as he finished putting on clothes. "Who was it," I asked.<br />
<br />
"Ji Soo, follow me," he said and left the bedroom. I got up from the bed and followed my father to his office where he pulled out his medical bag and started filling it with items from his desk.<br />
<br />
"What's going on," I asked again, now I was started to get worried. I glanced at the number again on my phone and struggled to see if anything about it rang any bells.<br />
<br />
"Ji Soo, listen to me," my father said in a commanding tone. "Ji Soo," he said again to get my attention and I looked at him. "It was about Lily. There was an accident, they don't know much but she's at the hospital."<br />
<br />
It took a moment for his words to sink in and then I turned around to go back to my room to get dressed but my father stopped me, "No, there's no point in you going to the hospital until we know more."<br />
<br />
"But Abeoji," I said faintly.<br />
<br />
"I will call you if anything happens," my father said as if that was the end of the discussion but it wasn't. I had never raised my voice to my father but I raised it now.<br />
<br />
"Abeoji," I said loudly and brought my father to a halting stop. "She's my friend, I'm going."<br />
<br />
My father looked at me and must have seen something on my face because he nodded and went back to packing. "Fine, go get dressed. Call Jong Hwa as well," he said. "Don't," he added loudly. "Don't tell him what it's about. Just tell him to get dressed. We'll swing by and pick him up on our way."<br />
<br />
"What about Mae Ri," I asked. My father thought about it and ultimately shook his head.<br />
<br />
"No, she'll panic," he said and I had to admit that he was right. She would panic and no good would come out of telling her anything before we had more answers. "Okay, go," my father said and shooed me out the door.<br />
<br />
I was calling Jong Hwa before I even changed out of my pajamas, "Ji Soo-ya, why are you calling so early?"<br />
<br />
"Something's come up, Jong Hwa. Get dressed, I'm on my way to come get you," I told him.<br />
<br />
"What," he asked in a less sleepy voice.<br />
<br />
"I don't have time to explain but you need to get up and get dressed. We'll be there in ten minutes, okay?"<br />
<br />
"Okay but--"<br />
<br />
"See you soon," I cut off his next question and hung up. He'd get dressed and we'd tell him once he got in the car.<br />
<br />
For the first time in a long time, I prayed. I prayed that Lily was alright. It had to have been something major for her to be taken to the hospital but what she could have been doing that would cause her to go to the hospital at four in the morning was beyond me.<br />
<br />
<i>To Be Continued...</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>***</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>*Juseyo; </i>"Please"<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>*Meogeo: </i>"Eat"<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>*Ahjumma: </i>Ahjumma refers to a sometimes older woman, but it could also be used for a woman who is married, doesn't necessarily have to be older. It's just a respectful term for older/married woman. (On the flip side, you have Ajusshi--older/married man). Word of caution, this word is NEVER used for someone who is younger or unmarried, it's an insult otherwise. You're basically calling them "Old man" or "Old woman" before their time.<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>*Massida: </i>"Delicious"<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>*Dahaengida: </i>"I'm relieved", "I'm glad" or "That's good"-as in "That's good that you are doing well".<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>*Mworigo: </i>"What did you say?"<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
</blockquote>
Aunniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15498782048239279549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-945360422188709746.post-59431528916924666182014-04-07T20:54:00.002-07:002014-04-10T09:42:27.255-07:00Nae Chingu (My Friends) Chapter Seventeen<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><u>Nae Chingu (My Friends)</u></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><u>Chapter Seventeen</u></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
It seemed easier to get up the next morning than it had the first day even though my body felt exhausted. My arms felt listless as I got dressed but I pushed through. I met no resistance as I walked through the front doors so I knew the Director had faxed over the waiver form as promised. Although it was cold outside, I barely felt it as I walked the eight blocks to the club.<br />
<br />
Much like the first day, I finished work within enough time to the school bus and groggily praised myself for a good job as I hiked back the eight blocks to catch it. I had missed dinner and breakfast again but my stomach seemed oddly quiet, so all-in-all I wasn't doing too bad.<br />
<br />
I managed to stay awake for the first part of school and when lunch came, Annabeth was right by my side ready to walk arm in arm. I couldn't find the strength to refuse her. We walked to the lunch room followed by a very quiet Derek and Brian. I had almost forgot about Brian and I's argument until I boarded the bus that morning. Brian refrained from saying anything to me and no one else had given me a weird look, not even Derek as he'd waved to me, so I assumed Brian hadn't shared our conversation with everyone else.<br />
<br />
We got in line, loaded our trays and sat down at what I had termed the "Foreign Exchange Table" since no one ever sat in our table--almost like it was always reserved for us only. Much like the previous day I ate my food quickly but this time when I finished, I was uncomfortable. I felt nauseous and although it didn't help very much, I held my stomach hoping that it would stop aching so much.<br />
<br />
Brian didn't say more than a few words throughout the entire lunch period and Derek just seemed to be eyeing me closely. This was one of the moments I was thankful to Annabeth because she didn't allow the silence to get awkward. She talked about all sorts of things to fill in the time and it wasn't long before we were being dismissed from lunch to go back to our classrooms. My stomachache didn't ease until school was almost ever and by then, I was ready to go home and sleep.<br />
<br />
Just a couple of months, I told myself. It had started to become a mantra in my head earlier when I was cleaning the club but now as I repeated the words, it seemed that the next couple of months could quite possibly be the longest of my life. I waited til the bus was all but empty before getting off.<br />
<br />
I hadn't watched to see if everyone got off but Brian called my name as soon as I stood up to get off myself. "Lily, I want to talk to you for a second."<br />
<br />
"Brian, I'm tired," I said and even to my own ears I sounded exhausted.<br />
<br />
"Look, hear me out," he said as he walked up the bus aisle to me and pointed to the seat I had just vacated. "You look dead on your feet, just sit for a sec and listen, okay?"<br />
<br />
I couldn't even put up a good argument so I just sat down. I promised myself I wouldn't make the same mistake as yesterday and I would keep my mouth shut and just let him do all the talking. It was the same thing I'd done with my father for years, how hard could it be with Brian?<br />
<br />
"I made a mistake yesterday," he started. "I made an assumption when I shouldn't have so I want to apologize for that but you also made an assumption"<br />
<br />
"Excuse me," I asked him, offended. This was a pretty crappy apology if he was placing blame on me.<br />
<br />
"You know," he leaned back in the seat he was in and looked thoughtful. "This program was my girlfriend's idea. She wanted to come to Korea and I wanted whatever she wanted so we both applied and took the exams. I got in," he shrugged. "She didn't," he finished. "It seems like we've been together since we were in diapers," he continued without prompting. "Our parents are old high school friends and everyone considered us cousins so when we started dating in middle school well, 'shocked' was a bit of an understatement."<br />
<br />
I didn't understand why he was telling me all this but I was seeing a whole new side of Brian. I was reluctantly getting sucked into the story and my anger started to ebb.<br />
<br />
"They got used to the idea once they realized how much we loved each other but I gotta say," I looked up at him when he paused and I could literally see the pain etched on his face. "The day we got our letters in the mail was both the hardest and saddest day we've ever had to face. I was going to withdraw my application except she wouldn't let me. We fought," he took a breath and seemed to swallow a lump in his throat. "We almost ended our relationship except neither of us could bring ourselves to do it so I came to Korea and she stayed home."<br />
<br />
"Why," I asked suddenly. It was clear that Brian loved his girlfriend, his eyes shined and I knew he was holding back tears.<br />
<br />
"Because she hasn't given up on her dream," he laughed humorlessly. "She turned a negative into a positive by building an elaborate future for us. Her idea is that I'll get a handle on all things Korean and whens she comes over it'll be an easier transition. She has this expectation that I'll be fluent in the Korean language by the time she gets here," he shook his head in doubt and chuckled quietly. "I wont, of course but for her, I'm willing to try."<br />
<br />
"How are you guys doing now," I asked him.<br />
<br />
"We miss each other," he told me. "We miss each other a lot and it's hard," he added. "Our parents are really supportive so in a couple weeks her and our parents are coming to visit but I haven't decided if I'll miss her more or less after she leaves again."<br />
<br />
"Why are you telling me all this," I had gotten wrapped up in the story and forgot that I wanted to keep a distance from him.<br />
<br />
"Because I wanted to show you that although your story may be different, don't forget that we all have our stories and they're all going to be different. So don't assume that your story is any worse or better than someone else's," he looked pointedly at me.<br />
<br />
I just got scolded, I thought. By Brian, of all people. I didn't know what to say so I just stayed silent but Brian must have picked up on my uneasiness. "You don't have to say anything, you don't even have to say sorry. I just," he paused. "Wanted to tell you that you aren't alone even though you feel like you are. From the sounds of it, you've had a tough time of it. Tougher than most but you have the power to change your future," he slapped his hands on his knees and stood up. I craned my neck to look up at him. "That's all I have to say so, I'll just leave you to figure out what it is that you want."<br />
<br />
He left me on the bus to think about what he'd said. I wasn't angry or arrogant enough to believe that I was the only one who'd had a hard life. In fact, Brian's story was very eye-opening and it was cause for some serious reflection. What was it I wanted? I thought about it and realized my previous mistake. My goal had been to stay in Korea and although it had been a very good goal, it had also been a very singular goal. I hadn't thought past that goal, in fact I had been winging it since day one and all I'd received in return was obstacle after obstacle. I needed to come up with a plan and figure what I wanted in the long term sense but I wasn't going to do it sitting on the bus, I sighed.<br />
<br />
I exited the bus and made my way inside and just like Monday, I'd only made it a few steps before someone shouted my name from across the room. I turned and saw Mae Ri waving from the couch with Jong Hwa and Ji Soo by her side. I had forgotten that they was coming after school today, I glanced at my phone to check the time. I had spent more time than I thought thinking about my life on the bus.<br />
<br />
"Mae Ri-ya," I smiled and walked over.<br />
<br />
"Jong Hwa has something to tell you," she pointed eagerly at Jong Hwa who was looking extremely uncomfortable.<br />
<br />
"Mwo," I looked at him. I think if I hadn't been looking at him, he'd have given Mae Ri a dirty look. Ji Soo patted her hand as if he knew her faux pas. Mae Ri, as usual, was oblivious.<br />
<br />
"I, ah," he scratched his eyebrow. "I'll tell you later," he said sheepishly.<br />
<br />
"But--" Mae Ri started.<br />
<br />
"Mae Ri-ya," Ji Soo chided lightly and squeezed her hand. I would have missed it had I not been looking at them at that moment. Mae Ri looked down at their joined hands and looked back up at Ji Soo. Their eyes connected for a minute before Mae Ri looked away and pulled her hand out of Ji Soo's. Ji Soo looked down, then at me and for the first time I realized he liked her. I purposefully cocked an eyebrow at Ji Soo who gave me one of his cocky little smiles before turning back to Jong Hwa who hadn't, by the look on his face, missed the interaction either.<br />
<br />
"You guys must be Lily's friends, I think I saw you here the other day too," Annabeth came waltzing up and linked arms with me. It had become so normal in the last five days that I barely blinked an eye until Mae Ri stood up and pointed at our joined arms.<br />
<br />
"Ya," she had a look of outrage on her face and before any of us could stop her she pushed herself in between us until Annabeth let go of my arm and then she linked arms with me herself.<br />
<br />
"Mae Ri-ya," I hissed at her rudeness.<br />
<br />
"We haven't even been apart for five days and already you have a new best friend," Mae Ri said fiercely.<br />
<br />
"What are you talking about," I was surprised that she'd even think that. I'd been here for over three years and the only friends I'd really ever made had been these three. How could she possibly think that in five days I'd made best friends with Annabeth? And then it hit me. Because Annabeth wasn't Korean. Technically, we were kindred spirits due to our nationalities and that made me wonder how I'd feel if I saw Mae Ri arm in arm with some other girl? I decided it'd make me feel horrible, like I'd been replaced.<br />
<br />
"Did I do something wrong," Annabeth asked.<br />
<br />
"Not at all, hold on," I told her and turned back to Mae Ri. "You are my best friend, that will <i>never </i>change," I stressed the word never. It was true, I thought. I couldn't imagine my life without Mae Ri, she'd been such a strong presence and a huge support since I met her that I couldn't imagine her not ever being around. "I promise," I told her and stuck my pinky out.<br />
<br />
She gave me a doubting eye before linking her pinky with mine and we pressed our thumbs together. "You promised," she said and I nodded.<br />
<br />
"You'll have to excuse Mae Ri, she's very protective," I told Annabeth who only smiled and nodded.<br />
<br />
"Choegoui chingu*," Annabeth asked as she pointed between the two of us and just as I went to correct her pronunciation, Mae Ri shook her head.<br />
<br />
"Aniyo, gajang chinhan chingu*," Mae Ri corrected her.<br />
<br />
"Ga-jang chin, I'm sorry, could you repeat that," Annabeth said slowly.<br />
<br />
"Ga-jang chin-han chin-gu," Mae Ri reiterated.<br />
<br />
"Mae Ri-ya, jjamkkanman," Mae Ri nodded and let me talk to Annabeth. "Remember what I said the other day about there being multiple ways to say something. This is exactly what I am talking about. 'Choegoui' does mean 'best' but it means like 'best at'. It's synonymous with 'top' or 'ultimate'. Oh, like 'best in show'."<br />
<br />
"So what does 'gajang chin-chin'," she paused to try and think of the correct phrase.<br />
<br />
"Gajang chinhan chingu," I told her. "Well, 'gajang' means 'most' and 'chinhan' means friendly so when all the words are put together it basically means 'most friendly friend' or, as we would say, 'best friends'."<br />
<br />
Annabeth digested this and breathed out a long breath, "Man, this just gets more and more complicated."<br />
<br />
I couldn't help but chuckle, "I know. But like I said, it's easier when you see fluent speakers speaking the language rather than reading it."<br />
<br />
"Well, do you guys mind if I watch you talk," Annabeth asked while she looked at all four of us. "I suppose that would be kind of weird, huh?"<br />
<br />
"Not at all, that's about how I learned too. Jong Hwa," I pointed to him. He'd been looking somewhere else when I'd said his name but now I had his attention. "He speaks English so he was able to do a lot of translating to make it easier."<br />
<br />
"What are you saying to her," Mae Ri asked and looked at Annabeth suspiciously.<br />
<br />
"She wants to learn the language and wants to listen to us talk," I told her and she only pouted for a minute.<br />
<br />
"But we can still hang out, right?" Mae Ri asked.<br />
<br />
"Of course," I told her and motioned for her to sit back down on the couch. Annabeth and I snagged a couple of chairs and pulled them up until we were gathered together in a semi-circle. Because I hadn't changed out of my school uniform, I put my backpack over my lap to hide my legs.<br />
<br />
"Omo, that reminds me," Mae Ri said while she groped around for her own backpack. "I saw these and I though they'd be perfect for your school uniform!" She rustled things around in her bag before she pulled out a small package and handed it to me. My jaw dropped as soon as I saw the front picture. There was <i>no way</i> I'd ever get caught wearing these! They were navy blue nylons with big white star patterns in varying sizes up and down the legs.<br />
<br />
"Mae Ri-ya, no," I shook my head and looked at her. She had the biggest smile pasted on her face but it started to dim the moment I said I wouldn't wear them.<br />
<br />
"But come on, they match perfectly," she stood pointed to the picture. "The blue and the white, the white matches your lapel," to illustrate her point, she pointed to my lapel.<br />
<br />
"I am not going to wear these," I told her and tried to hand them back. Ji Soo took them from me and gave them a considering eye.<br />
<br />
"Actually, these aren't all that bad," he said and looked from the picture to my legs and back again.<br />
<br />
I had the sudden urge to cover my legs up but I couldn't get my backpack to cover both my lap and my calves at the same time.<br />
<br />
"They might make your knees look less awkward," Ji Soo said and gave my knees a calculating look.<br />
<br />
I jerked my backpack over my knees to hide them from Ji Soo's gaze. Jong Hwa, with a smile on his face, lightly elbowed Ji Soo and said, "There's nothing wrong with her knees."<br />
<br />
"Thank you, Jong Hwa," I said quickly as I dropped my backpack in an effort to catch the nylons that Ji Soo tossed back to me.<br />
<br />
"Let me see them," Annabeth said shyly. I handed them to her and she smiled quickly. "Oh these are cute! Are you going to wear them," she asked, not having been able to make sense of our conversation.<br />
<br />
"Absolutely not," I denied quickly. "Have you seen the stuff she wears," I asked irrationally because obviously Annabeth had only seen her twice which was not nearly enough tmes to see the magnitude of some of Mae Ri's outfits. I pointed to Mae Ri as if to prove my point. Much like every other day of the week, Mae Ri was wearing one of her typical outfits. Under the tan skirt she wore maroon and white polka dotted nylons with white socks that had a frilly fringe barely sticking out of her two-inched, beige, Mary Jane's.<br />
<br />
"You wish you had as much style as her," Ji Soo said underneath his breath.<br />
<br />
"Mwo?" I huffed in indignation.<br />
<br />
Jong Hwa was too busy laughing to stand up for me this time and it went on like this another few minutes before Mae Ri finally put an end to the conversation, "Ya, ya, ya, settle down." She reached back into her backpack and pulled out another package of nylons and tossed them to me.<br />
<br />
I cringed as I looked at the picture on the front. I was relieved when I saw that they were plain, navy blue nylons with no special designs, "Thank you, Mae Ri." I nodded graciously to her.<br />
<br />
"I told you she wouldn't go for the stars," Mae Ri said to Ji Soo who nodded.<br />
<br />
"Indeed you did," he shook his head in mock disappointment.<br />
<br />
"Ya, jugeulae?" I raised my fist slightly as if I was going to hit him and gave him my best angry face but he simply stared at me before looking to Mae Ri. They shared a moment before laughing at my expense.<br />
<br />
"Kyuteu*," Mae Ri pointed at me while she laughed.<br />
<br />
"Ya!" I yelled loud enough to turn heads.<br />
<br />
***<br />
<br />
It was reaching time for them to leave and I knew I had to get to bed since I'd have to be up in a few hours to get to my job. I debated on telling the others about it but decided against it, all it would do is give them cause to worry and that was the last thing I wanted.<br />
<br />
"Where's the bathroom," Jong Hwa asked when he stood up. I pointed to the hallway that lead to the kitchen where the bathrooms were located. "Second door on the right," I told him. He nodded and left.<br />
<br />
While he was away I took the time to try and give the star-studded nylons back to Mae Ri. She graciously accepted them back but turned to Annabeth unexpectedly and said in English, "You like?"<br />
<br />
"Oh, ne," Annabeth responded in Korean.<br />
<br />
"Keep," Mae Ri said and handed the nylons over to Annabeth who accepted them excitedly. I couldn't help but smile. It felt kind of nice to mix my old life with my new one and it made me feel lighter than I had in weeks.<br />
<br />
A minute later, Ji Soo pulled out his phone and read a message. "Is that your father," I asked him. He nodded slightly before closing his phone.<br />
<br />
"Well, shall we?" Ji Soo asked as he gestured towards the direction of the main entrance.<br />
<br />
"We have to wait for--" I started to say before Jong Hwa came up behind me, I hadn't seen him come from the hallway. "Oh, hey," I said with a smile. He looked concerned about something which couldn't have been a good sign if he'd just returned from the bathroom. "Are-are you ok," I asked him.<br />
<br />
He looked up at me distracted and just stared. I was just about to wave my hand in front of his face to see if he was even paying attention when he finally nodded and gave me a halfhearted smile, "Yeah."<br />
<br />
"You sure," I asked again to make sure.<br />
<br />
"Yeah," he nodded once again and picked up his jacket from the couch.<br />
<br />
He said he was sure, I told myself. No need to worry.<br />
<br />
I walked them to the front foyer and gave Mae Ri a hug. Ji Soo did his usual shoulder grab and a quick nod. I turned to Jong Hwa thinking we'd also share a quick goodbye but he waved the other two off who left without so much as a glance back.<br />
<br />
Once again we were alone and the butterflies in my stomach made me feel bubbly. "What's up," I asked him once the others were out of sight.<br />
<br />
"I had something I wanted to tell you but--" he stopped and looked behind me at the door. I remembered what had happened the last time when Derek had interrupted our private moment and I knew Jong Hwa was remembering the same thing. "Can you come outside for a second," he asked me.<br />
<br />
"Sure," I said and zipped up my coat to help block the chilly air. It had started to warm up a little but not nearly enough to consider it actually 'warm'.<br />
<br />
We went outside and walked about a block before Jong Hwa stopped and turned to me. "I got accepted into the college I wanted," he told me abruptly.<br />
<br />
It took me a moment to let his words sink in before I realized the importance of them. "Jinjja? JINJJA?"<br />
<br />
He smiled broadly and nodded. Unable to contain myself I pulled him into my arms and jumped up and down. "Oh my god, Jong Hwa that's great! Oh, I'm so proud of--"<br />
<br />
Without warning Jong Hwa pulled me close and pressed his lips to mine and time stopped. My first kiss wasn't anything like what the Korean dramas I had seen depicted which made surprise kisses seem awkward. I was surprised to find it was one of the most natural things in the world. His lips were soft and gentle as they pressed against mine. It only took a couple of seconds before my eyes closed and I eased into the moment. He pulled away after a few more seconds and just looked at my face like he was evaluating my reaction. When I made no moves to push him away, he closed the distance again and this time I responded with less surprise and more feeling.<br />
<br />
I clung to his jacket and pulled him as close as our jackets would allow. I turned my face slightly so the kiss could go a little deeper and we stayed like that for what felt like forever. There was no pressure to go further and certainly no burning need like I had read in some of my books but it was simple and natural and...a relief. A feeling of contentment had fallen over me and I didn't want to let it go. <br />
<br />
When the moment did finally break, we both pulled away and just stared at each other. I think he had been just as surprised as I had been from the kiss. The look on his face clearly showed that he hadn't meant to take that step but it was also clear we were both happy he had. However, the kiss wasn't nearly as shocking as what he said next.<br />
<br />
"I love you," Jong Hwa said in a huff of breath. After he said it, he looked a little embarrassed, and he looked down and away from my eyes. The way his eyes kept darting back and forth on the ground I knew he was thinking about what he'd just said.<br />
<br />
I felt a pain in my chest, I had hoped when someone had finally told me they loved me that it would be a for sure thing but Jong Hwa looked like he was debating whether or not he'd made a fatal mistake. I took a slow step back from him and tried not to show my inner pain. The heat that had just warmed my lips turned to ice and chilled me to the bone. If I could have disappeared in that moment, I would have.<br />
<br />
"Look, Jong Hwa," I swallowed to keep my voice from cracking. "I won't hold you to that. You were in the heat of the--"<br />
<br />
"No," Jong Hwa reached out and gripped my wrist. "I love you. I said it thoughtlessly but I do love you." He closed the distance between us and touched my cheek. I couldn't help turning my face into the palm of his hand. "I love you, Lily Smith."<br />
<br />
I felt a hot tear splash down my face and I hastily wiped it away. I had thought I would feel over joyed in this moment but all I felt was fear and sadness. It was like a war was waging inside of me, I wanted Jong Hwa to love me because I loved him and had for so long but I was afraid that he'd leave me just like everyone else had. I knew that if--when, I corrected--when Jong Hwa left, it would kill me inside but it had all changed tonight, I thought. Now that he'd said it out loud, I knew when he left, it would kill me for real.<br />
<br />
"No, Jong Hwa," it took all my strength to pull away from the warm hand that was gently cupping my cheek. "I can't-we can't." I shook my head and stepped away from him.<br />
<br />
"Lily," Jong Hwa said my name hastily as his grip tightened on my wrist. "Why can't we--"<br />
<br />
"We just can't," I said fiercely and pulled my arm free. "I'm sorry," I said before turning away and jogging back to my dorm.<br />
<br />
I tried not to be disappointed when he didn't follow me right away but I also didn't wait around in the front foyer to see if he would. I flew through the common room to get to my room as fast as I could.<br />
<br />
I had just been told everything I'd ever wanted to hear from a guy and I couldn't even trust that what he was saying was true. I was so screwed up. Even if he had been telling me the truth about loving me, after my frantic retreat outside, it would be sure to scare him off or at the very least make him question whether he wanted to love a messed up girl like me.<br />
<br />
Tears welled up in my eyes and I knew there was no hope of helping them tonight. Emily sat at her desk typing on her laptop with earbuds in her ears. She's spared me a glance when I'd come into the room but now she was fully engrossed in whatever she was doing at her desk to pay attention to me. I changed into my make-shift pajamas, compete with jacket, and crawled up to bed.<br />
<br />
The kiss and the confession of love kept replaying over and over in my head and I feared that I might go crazy before the sun even rose in the sky the next morning. Concentrate on falling asleep, Lily, I told myself. I had a job to do in a couple of hours and I needed to worry about making a living and providing for my future. Brian's earlier words had struck a cord with me and I decided I would forget about tonight and work on building the future I wanted.<br />
<br />
I was counting sheep in my head for the third time in an attempt to fall asleep when my phone beeped next to my head. I picked it up and saw I had received a message on Line. I bit my lip when I saw that it was from Jong Hwa and debated on whether to open it or not.<br />
<br />
Now I'd really never get to sleep if I didn't read it, I hesitantly opened it up and read his words carefully:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>I don't know exactly what happened tonight but I do know some things. I don't regret kissing you. It's probably one of the best moments of my life and I hope it was for you too. I don't know if I'm any good because I've never kissed a girl before.</i></blockquote>
It was, I thought as I put my phone back on the bed. It was for me too Jong Hwa. Thinking that was all he'd wanted to say, I was surprised when my phone went off again. The next message was longer:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>I also know that I love you. I have been in love with you for a long time and I know I will continue to love you for a long time to come. I think I know why you're scared of that and I'm sorry that you felt the need to run away from me tonight. Watching you go, it was hard. Really hard.</i></blockquote>
I knew that couldn't be all he'd had to tell me so I waited as he sent his next text. Another minute later and my phone beeped once again:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>Please don't run away next time. Please talk to me. Think about what I said, hmm? Sleep well. Love you.</i></blockquote>
I knew that would be the last message from him so I put my phone away and curled into my pillow and cried. My fingers itched to pick my phone back up and tell him I loved him too. That I had loved him probably from the moment he convinced his mom to put me in his classroom but I didn't pick up my phone. Instead I convinced myself that his feelings had only sprouted from his concern for me after what had happened with my father. As time when on, he'd realize this and he'd be horrified by the things he said tonight.<br />
<br />
I tossed and turned for the next four hours until my alarm went off again. Nevertheless I groggily got up and told myself that I didn't have school today which meant that once I was off from work, I could come back and sleep more. It was the only reason I was able to get myself out of bed that morning. The events of the previous night were a bit hazy as pure exhaustion clouded my mind and muddled my thoughts.<br />
<br />
It's only for a few months, I told myself. It's only temporary...<br />
<br />
***<br />
<br />
<i>Jong Hwa...</i><br />
<br />
The last two hours with Lily was refreshing, to say the least. She seemed to be back to her old self and even made a new friend. Annabeth was nice and sweet and I was glad that her and Lily had connected with each other. Mae Ri even seemed to warm up to Annabeth once she got over her jealousy of not being able to stay by Lily's side all the time. I glanced around a few times to see the two boys that had been by Lily's side the last time we visited but they seemed to be keeping their distance tonight. However, I did catch them watching us a couple of times and it made me clench my fists whenever I saw that Derek guy watching Lily closely. It took all my strength to not reach over and take a hold of her hand.<br />
<br />
When it was time to go, I asked Lily where the bathroom was in order to stall for a little more time. When I reached the bathroom, I pulled out my phone and sent Ji Soo a text message saying I wanted to tell Lily my news alone. I hoped they said their goodbyes before I left the bathroom, I thought. I was idly leaning against the counter of the six-stalled bathroom waiting when the door swung open again and Derek came through.<br />
<br />
Of all the people to come to the bathroom in that exact moment, I hadn't wanted it to be this guy. I pushed off the counter and cleared my throat as I stuck my hands in my pockets. I nodded my head and said, "It's all yours," before attempting to make my way towards the door he'd come through.<br />
<br />
"Wait," Derek said and held up a hand. "I just--I wanted to say something."<br />
<br />
"What," I said and tried to keep my annoyance out of my voice. Under normal circumstances I considered myself a rational person and I wasn't quick to emotion but this guy seemed to get under my skin. "I'm sorry, what do you need?" I asked in a somewhat more normal voice, I hoped.<br />
<br />
"I know you've got something going on with Lily and I respect that," he said first. "I just--this is weird." He sighed and chuckled as he ran a hand through his hair. "I'm sorry, I just wanted you to know that you don't have to worry about Lily while she's here. I won't, ah, I won't infringe," he stuck his hands in his pockets.<br />
<br />
With nothing else to say really, I just nodded and said, "Thank you." I still couldn't bring myself to like the guy, or even be friendly with him only because I knew that he still liked her. Despite understanding that Lily was extremely likable, I still didn't like the idea that anyone else liked Lily besides me. I turned around to leave the bathroom, hoping that this little discussion had given the others enough time to say goodbye but he stopped me again.<br />
<br />
"Hey, just one more thing," he said and cleared his throat. "Does-does Lily not eat a lot?"<br />
<br />
That was a weird question, I thought. Was this guy a pervert? Something on my face must have given away my inner thoughts because he jumped in quickly to explain his question.<br />
<br />
"It's just that, well, I don't actually see her eat a lot. She's only been to dinner twice since she got here, that was her first day and tonight and breakfast," he looked at the wall behind me as if thinking about something. "I've only actually seen her eat breakfast once."<br />
<br />
I stopped to think about his question. We had eaten all the time when we were together, I remembered. We'd eat ramyeon or stuffed buns at the convenient store after school. Sometimes we'd splurge when we felt like it and got something a little more fancy at a pojangmacha* like tteokbokki* or fish cakes but from what I could recall, Lily liked to eat.<br />
<br />
"The only time I really see her eat is at lunch when we're at school and she eats her food so fast that she looks like she's starving every day when she comes to lunch," Derek tacked idly on after a moment.<br />
<br />
Now that got my attention, "Lily eats fast at lunch?"<br />
<br />
"Yeah, like, really fast. Her food is gone within minutes," Derek nodded as if to confirm his own words.<br />
<br />
That wasn't like Lily at all, she never ate quickly. She'd once told me that she felt self-conscious about her weight so she would eat slowly as if to appear like she wasn't 'stuffing her face', I think, had been her term. Even now, years later, Lily was always one of the last to finish her food regardless of what kind of food it was.<br />
<br />
"Thank you for telling me," I said slowly to Derek and brushed past him to exit the bathroom. Lily and the others were still where I'd left them and Ji Soo and Mae Ri hadn't said their goodbyes. I caught Ji Soo's gaze first and pointed to the pocket that had my phone sticking out. He got the hint and pulled out his own and read my message. By the time I reached them, he nodded at no one in particular and put away his phone.<br />
<br />
"Well, shall we?" Ji Soo raised his hands as if to usher everyone towards the doors.<br />
<br />
"We have to wait for--Oh hey," Lily said to me when I came back. She must have seen the concern on my phone because she asked me if I was okay. I told her I was and we eventually made our way to the front foyer. The other two said their goodbyes and left immediately, Ji Soo must have told Mae Ri at some point that I wanted to be alone with Lily because she left without hesitation.<br />
<br />
I hadn't known at the time how different the night would become just by asking Lily to come outside with me. I certainly hadn't expected to kiss her or tell her I loved her. But by far the biggest surprise of the night had been when she'd walked away from me without a second glance.<br />
<br />
<i>To Be Continued...</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>***</i><br />
<br />
So, we've all heard of Konglish--it's English but with a Korean accent, well the following is Korea's version of Konglish, it's an English word that's made to sound and be spelled as if it is Korean.<br />
<br />
*Kyuteu: "cute"<br />
<br />
*Pojangmacha: Korean's have, what I refer to as New York-esque, street vendors that sell snack type foods.<br />
<br />
*Tteokbokki: Snack that commonly served at Pojangmacha's. It's a rice noodle in sweet/spicy red-pepper paste. (It's very good!)Aunniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15498782048239279549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-945360422188709746.post-46162939718039897272014-04-06T07:59:00.000-07:002014-04-06T08:05:02.938-07:00Nae Chingu (My Friends) Chapter Sixteen<div style="text-align: center;">
<u><b><span style="font-size: large;">Nae Chingu (My Friends)</span></b></u></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<u><b><span style="font-size: large;">Chapter Sixteen</span></b></u></div>
<br />
The next couple of days flew by quickly; I felt like I blinked and already it was the end of the school day on Wednesday. Where had the time gone? I packed my backpack and headed straight out the door without looking back. I had a lot of homework I needed to finish before I could go to bed and I needed to get to bed early because tonight was my first day on the job. I had just gotten down the stairs to the main floor when someone yelled my name. It was Annabeth and she was calling for me from the top of the stairs with a wide smile on her face.<br />
<br />
I liked Annabeth, I really did. To a certain extent she reminded me a bit of Mae Ri--the life a the party kind of personality--but sometimes, she was just too happy to be around. It seemed she was always in a good mood, she was always peppy, happy-go-lucky, life was good for her and I hated it.<br />
<br />
Nevertheless, I headed back up the stairs in her direction anyway..<br />
<br />
"Derek said you were coming to our study session today, I figure we could walk together," Annabeth told me.<br />
<br />
Crap, that's right. I had said I would come today, I winced inwardly. Too late to back out now, I guess and resigned myself to my fate. At least I'd get homework done, I thought. "Awesome, I'll follow you." I kept my arms tight to my sides whenever I was near Annabeth, she had a bad habit of wanting to link arms whenever she was walking with someone. That was one thing I could say about Mae Ri; Mae Ri might be overly zealous when it came to her friends but she was never ridiculously touchy-feely and it made me miss her all the more.<br />
<br />
Annabeth led the way to a classroom that, if the boxes and dust were anything to go by, looked abandoned. Light streamed through the windows and made the otherwise depressing room look somewhat less dreary but of all the classrooms to be studying in, this is the one they'd chose?<br />
<br />
"Hey guys, I brought Lily," Annabeth announced as soon as we stepped into the room<br />
<br />
I was shocked to see how many people actually took part in this study group. There had to have been more than fifteen people here, I thought as I started counting heads. 18 to be exact. I had envisioned a group of maybe seven or eight but eighteen? And they were all students that were part of the program, did these guys never hang out with regular students?<br />
<br />
"Hey, Lily," a few people I recognized from the dorm said but otherwise I mostly just got curious glances.<br />
<br />
Derek and Brian were already there sitting huddled over a book they were sharing, Derek waved earnestly while Brian just nodded his head in greeting before giving his attention back to the book.<br />
<br />
"Hey," I waved awkwardly, wishing all the more I'd been able to back out.<br />
<br />
"Come sit over here," Annabeth patted the floor next to where she was sitting. Only a few people actually used the rickety looking desks that the room had, otherwise most of everyone were either sitting on the floor with books in their laps or laying on the floor with the books in front of them.<br />
<br />
I sat down next to her but didn't move to take out my books; I was too busy watching what everyone else was doing. I just observed the atmosphere for a few minutes and found it relatively pleasant. Once in a while someone would ask out a question and someone else would give an answer but mostly the room was quiet and everyone was busy doing their own homework.<br />
<br />
Almost a full ten minutes after I arrived, I finally pulled out my books and laid down comfortably on the floor to start my own homework but I didn't get very far before Annabeth grumbled in frustration next to me. "What's up?"<br />
<br />
"It's nothing," she looked at me with a smile that was a little strained at the corners.<br />
<br />
"Maybe I can help, what is it?" I asked again wondering what could have possibly cracked her ever-so-happy mood.<br />
<br />
"I just--ugh, I don't know how you did it," she exclaimed with a loud sigh and pushed her book over to me. She must have been working on the Korean homework Mr. Do had assigned us today--an assignment I was going to put off until last because I knew it'd be the easiest homework for me. "I can learn the individual words but putting them together to form a sentence is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do!"<br />
<br />
"Believe it or not, it was for me too, don't worry," I told her and looked at some of the sample sentences the book offered. "Well first off, just remember that the sentences they use in these books are a bit over the top--no Korean ever speaks this--" I searched for the right word. "--precisely."<br />
<br />
"What do you mean," she asked me with genuine confusion.<br />
<br />
"Well, no sentence structure ever looks the same in Korean. With the amount of suffixes and prefixes in the Korean language, it is never a sure bet as to what will come out of the mouth. Actually, Koreans tend to omit of lot of information when speaking to each other because the information isn't required. So very rarely will you hear sentences structured like this."<br />
<br />
"Okay," she nodded like she understood but her tone said otherwise.<br />
<br />
"Okay, so as an example, in English, 'Sa-gwahn-neun ppal-gan-saeg' would be translated to "The apple is red" or "Apples are red" but in Korean is just means "Apple red". It's a statement of fact. Actually, the word "saeg" literally means color. So "ppal-gan" means..." I let it dangle.<br />
<br />
"Red," she said hesitantly.<br />
<br />
"Yup," I nodded. "And 'neun' is just a topic indicator. Ah," I thought of a better way of phrasing it. "It indicates that the apple is the subject of the sentence, it's what you're talking about. So 'sa-gwahn' means apple, well actually," I backtracked. I knew I was making a complicated concept more complicated but I had the sudden urge to explain. "It could mean 'apology' too, which happens a lot in Korean. A lot of words sound exactly the same which is why you have to listen to the whole sentence. Anyway," I waved the air in front of my face in order to get back on topic. "so 'sa-gwahn neun', apple plus the topic particle 'neun' combined with 'ppal-gan' literally means 'apple red', the 'saeg', which indicates the <i>color</i> red as opposed to, lets say, a red 'dress'. This is what turns the English translation into 'apples are red'."<br />
<br />
There was a moment of pause while Annabeth digested the information before she nodded once again and said, "Okay, I'm starting to get it."<br />
<br />
"They don't have words for 'the' or 'is', so when translations from Korean to English happen, those words have to be placed there in order for it to make sense to us. Do you get what I'm saying now?" She nodded. "So don't beat yourself up for having a hard time putting words together. It's different when you're actually speaking to a Korean and can <i>hear</i> how they put words together."<br />
<br />
"So how did you do it," she asked me curiously.<br />
<br />
I thought about it for a moment. "Well, when I came to Korea I didn't have a program like this to fall back on. It was sink or swim," I told her honestly. "It's nice that you've got people," I gestured around and realized that almost everyone was looking at me. "--What?"<br />
<br />
"Nothing, we're just listening," Derek said while some of the students pretended like they hadn't been eavesdropping on our conversation.<br />
<br />
"It's weird because it's like you're from here except you aren't," Annabeth said although I felt like she was stating an obvious fact. "I mean, it's just nice to have insider information without feeling like you look down on us."<br />
<br />
"Look...down...on you, what do you mean?" I asked.<br />
<br />
"Well, it's hard to talk to the students here, you know," another girl I didn't know said.<br />
<br />
"Have you tried," I asked.<br />
<br />
"It's hard when you don't know the language," someone else said.<br />
<br />
I understood what they were trying to tell me; they were scared to ask anyone for helping because they feared getting laughed at or rejected. I knew the feeling, probably better than most but I couldn't help feeling a little bit better about my own personal circumstances. I hadn't been so lucky as these students who had others who spoke their language to help support them. I'd been virtually alone; my mother hadn't been here long enough to help me learn anything about Korea and my dad had strictly wanted to keep it American inside the apartment so everything I'd learned had come from Jong Hwa or Mae Ri. Heck, even Ji Soo had helped a little. In some ways these students had been luckier than I but in others, I'd definitely gotten the better part of the deal.<br />
<br />
"Well, do any of you have questions," I asked tentatively, not expecting anyone to actually ask me anything. I was wrong, almost immediately I was accosted with questions about the Korean culture and language, I could hardly keep up with my answers.<br />
<br />
"What's with the whole "hyung"-"oppa" thing," a girl asked me a little while later, I think her name was Chelsea.<br />
<br />
"It's all part of the hierarchy, in Korea there is an order to everything and there are levels, these titles are all a part of that," I told them.<br />
<br />
"What do they mean," Chelsea asked.<br />
<br />
"Well, younger males call older males "Hyung" as a sign of respect--it's an indicator of their age. In Korean society, there are roles; elders help guide their juniors--sunbae's and hubae's--while the juniors show respect to their elders so 'hyung' really just shows a hubae acknowledging his place in the relationship," I told them. "It's the same for "oppa" just for girls addressing older males," I tried to keep it simple but that was the difficult in the Korean culture, one thing was always connected to someone else, there was a reason for everything, I'd learned.<br />
<br />
It continued on like this until someone noted the time and we all had to rush to pack our bags to make it to the last pick-up bus that would take us to the dorms. There was a lot of chatter about the Korean culture when we all climbed the steps to board the bus and I couldn't help but feel a little excited that I'd been able to help someone else. Instead of being the one that didn't know anything, I had now become the knowledgeable and the idea made me feel good.<br />
<br />
My happiness was short lived when we got back to the dorms and I realized tonight was my first night of work. I had to give Annabeth a quick goodbye so I could head up to my room to get my homework done as fast as possible. Although I got through most of it within a couple hours, Math always seemed to elude me, at least without the assistance of someone else. ...And that someone else was no longer by my side. I pulled out my phone and debated if I was really going to send a message to Jong Hwa in order to get help with my math homework.<br />
<br />
We hadn't had any communication since the last time we were together. I'd pulled out my phone several times to text him but I'd resisted because I needed to get used to not having him around. That would make his eventual departure easier. Mae Ri, on the other than, had texted me several times throughout the day for the past two days. I'd texted her back when I could but Jong Hwa, so far, had been utterly silent.<br />
<br />
It was because of that silence that I decided to not ask him for help and I put my phone away. I glanced at Emily's alarm clock and noted that is was already well past dinner time and I hadn't eaten anything since lunch. My stomach gurgled loudly but I ignored it. I needed to get to sleep and set my alarm for 2:30 so I could get a few hours of sleep before having to be at work.<br />
<br />
I turned the light off at my desk and made my way to the closet where I'd hung my jacket. I still hadn't been able to convince myself that I needed bed sheets so I continued to sleep in my jacket, sweats and slippers. I knew eventually I'd have to break down to get them but I wanted to save my money where I could and right now, bed sheets were not an expense I could afford. I wrapped my jeans up in a shirt again and climbed the step ladder.<br />
<br />
Because I was so used to falling asleep later a night, it was hard for me to sleep so early which is probably what accounted for me feeling miserably tired the next morning when my alarm went off at 2:30. Emily grumbled loudly but turned over and fell back asleep as soon as I shut off the alarm. Even though every fiber of my being wanted to stay in bed, I needed the job so I dragged myself out of bed anyway. I changed into my jeans and a plain white t-shirt and packed my school uniform into my backpack before quietly leaving the room. The bright, fluorescent lights in the hallway nearly blinded me as I made my way to the stairs and down to the common area.<br />
<br />
As soon as I stepped outside the first door I was stopped by the security guy and I was surprised to find out he was Korean.<br />
<br />
"Omo, where are you going," He asked me in severely broken English so I decided to just respond in Korean.<br />
<br />
"I work in the mornings," I told him.<br />
<br />
"You need to have a special waiver form in order to leave the dormitories this early in the morning," he told me.<br />
<br />
"Oh," I hadn't known that, well now what the heck was I gonna do? "Can you let me go for today and I will call Chan Min about the waiver," I asked him with pleading eyes. "It's just, I really need the job."<br />
<br />
He hesitated for a moment, not sure what would get him into trouble but eventually he nodded, "Just for today."<br />
<br />
I bowed and thanked him before I headed out into the cold, March morning. I didn't know when Spring was finally going to come to Korea but it couldn't come soon enough, I thought as I bit down on my lip to avoid shivering. I fast-walked the eight blocks and was almost out of breath when I finally reached the club. I entered the passcode and introduced myself to the over-night security guy. He seemed nice and showed me where I could find the cleaning supplies before leaving me to my work.<br />
<br />
***<br />
<br />
The club had two floors; upstairs held the karaoke rooms and downstairs was where the bar was located. I couldn't tell which floor was the worse to clean up. Downstairs, probably, I decided since there were no walls to keep the mess enclosed.<br />
<br />
After nearly three hours of sweaty, grueling work, I finished my work day by cleaning the bathrooms. I checked back in with the security officer and he ran through the checklist before giving me the thumbs up which left me with about thirty minutes before the buses would arrive. I used that time to wash up in the bathroom at the club before heading out.<br />
<br />
I arrived ten minutes before the bus got there and I silently patted myself on the back. That wasn't so bad, I thought. I even felt somewhat refreshed after working so much before school, I didn't feel tired at all.<br />
<br />
Of course, that was before I reached third period and nearly slammed my forehead onto my desk after almost falling asleep. The student next to me must have saw me struggling because she asked me if I was ok when the teacher's back was turned.<br />
<br />
"Gwanchana," I whispered back and hoped I was telling the truth. I had to keep shifting in my desk to keep myself awake but no one was more happy than I was when the lunch bell rang. My stomach had been gurgling since the first hour as if to remind me that I hadn't had dinner or breakfast. Not that I needed the reminder, I thought. <br />
<br />
Which is how I found myself arm-in-arm with Annabeth walking at a clipped pace to the lunchroom. Once I'd gotten through the lunch line and sat down, I didn't even wait for the others before I started shoveling rice into my mouth.<br />
<br />
"You're a hungry little lass today, aren't'cha?" Brian asked a few moments later while he openly stared at me. His fork dangling in his hand.<br />
<br />
"Hmm," was all I said as I continued to eat quickly.<br />
<br />
"You do realize we have a total of thirty minutes to eat, there's no rush," Brian said teasingly as he finally started on his own food.<br />
<br />
"So, whats up," Derek asked as he carefully chewed his food.<br />
<br />
"Nothing, I was just hungry," I began to feel a little self conscious. I had just piled a whole bunch of food into my face like Ms. Piggy, I thought silently.<br />
<br />
"I didn't see you at dinner last night," Derek hinted once again. "Or at breakfast this morning," he finished.<br />
<br />
I decided that actively ignoring him was my only way out of this situation, "Hmm, hey Annabeth, did you ever figure out your Korean homework," I asked her and only felt a little guilty about using her. I knew she'd perk up and ramble on about her homework which would effectively shut Derek up and I was right, it was a useful strategy.<br />
<br />
She kept talking until it was time to get back to class and for once, I didn't mind her cheerful happiness.<br />
<br />
***<br />
<br />
Because there was no study hall after school I snagged a spot on the first pick-up bus and headed back to the dorms after school. During the ride I checked my phone for new messages and found five new messages from Mae Ri alone.<br />
<br />
"Aish, Mae Ri-ya," I chided and read each one thoroughly. She wanted to come by the dorms to see me after school today but I quickly sent a reply saying I had too much homework but that she could come by tomorrow. That would work because I'd have the whole weekend to do my homework. Tonight I needed to do the minimal amount of homework and get some sleep.<br />
<br />
She sent back a cheery response--I could tell by the smiling cat emoticon she used--and I put my phone away. I just wanted to go home and sleep, I was so tired. I leaned my head up against the window of the bus and closed my eyes.<br />
<br />
The next thing I knew Derek was sitting in the spot in front of me, staring. "Kkamjjakiya," I jumped back as far as the seat would allow.<br />
<br />
"Sorry, sorry," Derek raised his hands. "I tried to wake you up by calling your name, then I was going to shake you but," he made an "X" with his fingers and reminded me that I'd told him to never touch me. I had to give him kudos for following orders, even to such extremes as this.<br />
<br />
"No, it's fine. Look, forget what I said the other day, I don't like being manhandled, that's all," I told him and he looked confused. "Just don't, you know, jerk me around abruptly."<br />
<br />
He nodded his head fervently, "You got it."<br />
<br />
I looked around and realized the bus had stopped moving, "Are-are we at the dorms," I asked.<br />
<br />
"Yup, got here about ten minutes ago, I was trying to wake you up to tell you we were here," Derek told me.<br />
<br />
"Oh, thank you," I picked up my backpack and slid out of the seat. Derek followed me off the bus and walked side by side with me towards the dorms.<br />
<br />
"So, ah, you know, I meant to apologize for walking in on you and your, ah, friend the other night," Derek said with a lot of hesitation.<br />
<br />
"It's ok," was what I settled on. He chuckled nervously, waiting for more of a response but I had none to give him. <br />
<br />
"So, is he-is he your boyfriend," Derek asked.<br />
<br />
We had reached the front entrance to the dorms when I stopped to consider his question and how much information I was willing to share. I guess I had nothing to lose by being honest and saying we were best friends. However, something didn't feel right about making it look like Jong Hwa was only a good friend when he was so much more than that. "He's--someone I'm interested in."<br />
<br />
"So you two aren't dating," he questioned.<br />
<br />
"It's complicated," I told him.<br />
<br />
"Complicated how," He kept pushing for an answer.<br />
<br />
"Why do you want to know," I asked, letting my annoyance leak through my voice. Couldn't he take a hint?<br />
<br />
"Because I don't want to be attracted to another man's girl," he said exasperatedly.<br />
<br />
I had been taken by complete surprise and I was unsure of what to say to that. "Are-are you always this honest" is what I settled on.<br />
<br />
"I try to be," he sighed and ran a hand through his hair. I had to look away because it reminded me so much of Jong Hwa. "I didn't mean to make things uncomfortable, but I've been thinking about that moment...and," he took deep breath. "Nevermind, I'm sorry I brought it up," he pulled open the door as if to leave but I stopped him.<br />
<br />
"He isn't my boyfriend," I told him quickly. "He--I love him," saying the words to someone who wasn't Jong Hwa hurt more than I thought it would. "I love him, a lot actually, but it's complicated right now."<br />
<br />
"Because you switched schools," Derek asked as he let the door slide shut.<br />
<br />
"No, because--look, he's a good guy, he's kind and gentle, he's honest and hardworking," I hadn't meant to spill everything to Derek and yet here it was all coming out of my mouth. "He's the kind of guy every girl wants as her boyfriend but," how could I explain so he'd understand. "I'm not--he doesn't love me, I mean, not like that anyway."<br />
<br />
"Didn't look that way the other night," Derek said quietly. He was right and deep down, I knew he was right but I had spent the last three days telling myself that what had happened in the front foyer didn't mean anything and I had done all I could to make that memory seem less important. It wasn't working very well, but I was trying.<br />
<br />
"Maybe not but all the same, we're just friends," I said.<br />
<br />
"So I'm confused, are you telling me it's okay for me to like you or are you telling me you're unavailable," he asked me, point blank.<br />
<br />
I didn't want to hurt this man's feelings but I also didn't want to lead him on. "I'm unavailable." I didn't apologize because I wasn't sorry and I didn't belittle either of us by saying 'we can still be friends'. Yeah, there was no way around this ensuing awkwardness that was bound to sprout up between us. Why couldn't he have just not said anything at all?<br />
<br />
"I"m glad we got that all cleared up," he said and nodded briskly and opened the door. "Let's go in, it's cold out here."<br />
<br />
I nodded and followed him in, I just needed to escape to my bedroom as soon as possible.<br />
<br />
"By the way, when <i>does</i> spring usually hit Korea, 'cause man, I really want to throw around a baseball," Derek said and effectively broke the awkwardness all on his own.<br />
<br />
We spent another ten minutes chatting about the normal weather patterns in Korea before I finally disengaged to go to my room. He seemed absolutely normal, despite our previous conversation and I thought, maybe things wouldn't be so uncomfortable after all. I could pretend like that conversation never happened.<br />
<br />
When I reached my room, I felt lighter somehow and the feeling wasn't entirely unpleasant. I pulled out my backpack and attacked my homework with more motivation than I'd had previously. It wasn't until almost an hour later when I remembered that I needed to get a waiver from Chan Min.<br />
<br />
"Aish," I muttered as I searched for my phone and started to put in the passcode that when remembered that I didn't have service. "Aish," I said more loudly as I headed for the door. I was heading for the front desk when I passed by Brian in the stairway. "Hey, Brian could I--" I'd been going down the stairs at such a fast pace that I missed the fact that Brian had actually been using his phone. "Oh, sorry, never--"<br />
<br />
"Baby, hold on," Brian said into the phone and put his hand over the receiver. "What'd you need," he asked me.<br />
<br />
"I was going to ask to use your phone but you're on it," I told him and waved off my request.<br />
<br />
"One sec," he said before moving his hand away from the phone. "Baby, go take your shower and call me back afterwards." He was silent as he listened to whoever 'Baby' was. "Nah, it's okay. Okay, love you too." He hung up the phone and passed it to me.<br />
<br />
"You didn't have to do that," I said humbly.<br />
<br />
"Nah, she had to get ready for school anyway, she just had a late start this morning," he explained.<br />
<br />
"I'll just be a minute, I promise," I held up one finger for emphasis before taking the phone and dialing Chan Min's number. I prayed he was still in his office. He wasn't, the phone kicked me to the front desk where the receptionist answer the call.<br />
<br />
"Is-is Soo Chan Min-ssi still in the office," I asked her.<br />
<br />
"Aniyo," she said in clipped tones and I envisioned the snarky-looking receptionist that sometimes manned the front desk. "He's left for the day, would you like to leave a message?"<br />
<br />
"Um, do-do you have his cellphone number by chance, it's kind of an emergency," I said.<br />
<br />
There was a pause on the other line before she responded, "Unfortunately I can't give out personal numbers, what kind of an emergency is it, I could connect you to the Director."<br />
<br />
I had an intense internal debate on whether I wanted to ask this kind of a favor from the Director himself but I had no other choice otherwise I'd miss work tomorrow and I would lose the job. I was already starting to feel the panic rising in my chest. I squeezed my eyes shut to try and control the urge to hyperventilate. "Yes, please."<br />
<br />
"One moment," she said and a moment later a piano started playing in the background.<br />
<br />
Oh please, oh please, I begged to whatever higher power was listening.<br />
<br />
"This is the Director speaking," the Director said after the piano cut out.<br />
<br />
"Oh, Annyeonghaseyo," I squeaked into the phone, I was so nervous. "Jeosonghaeyo, It's Lily Smith," I was even more scared of asking for a favor from him than I was of Chan Min, what had I been <i>thinking </i>when I asked to be transferred to him?<br />
<br />
"Oh. The receptionist said it was an emergency, what's going on," he asked but not like he was mad. He actually sounded worried.<br />
<br />
"It's not an, I mean, it kind of is, but--" my words came out jumbled.<br />
<br />
"Slow down, Lily," he said in a soothing voice and I took a deep breath.<br />
<br />
"I have a job but it requires that I leave earlier than allowed in the morning, so I need--"<br />
<br />
"A waiver," he finished for me when I stopped to take another deep breath.<br />
<br />
"Yes, sir," I confirmed.<br />
<br />
"When do you need it by," he asked gently into the phone.<br />
<br />
"Tomorrow morning, I know it's such short notice but I was caught doing homework and I--"<br />
<br />
"It's okay, it's okay, I'll have one faxed over," he said.<br />
<br />
"Kamsahamnida, jeongmal kamsahamnida," I was so relieved I actually bowed before I remembered that he couldn't see it.<br />
<br />
"Cheonmaneyo*," he said. "Hey, Lily, let's get together sometime next week."<br />
<br />
And all my happiness evaporated in that moment. Why would he want to meet up with me? This whole call had been a mistake, it didn't matter if I didn't have a job if I was kicked out of the program. There went school, college, everything, I thought to myself and felt all the panic drain out of me as depression set in. The only reason he'd be calling me in to meet with him is if I'd made a fatal mistake in this phone call.<br />
<br />
"You still there," he asked and there was a muffled sound on the other side.<br />
<br />
"Yes," I reassured him.<br />
<br />
"So you'll come see me next week," he asked again.<br />
<br />
"Yes, sir," and we said our goodbyes and hung up. I handed the phone back to Brian and thanked him for letting me use it.<br />
<br />
"What was all that about," he asked as he pocketed the phone.<br />
<br />
"It's nothing," I told him as I started back up the stairs.<br />
<br />
"Well, it's obviously something," he said. "Hey, wait" Brian grabbed a hold of my wrist and effectively cut off my ascent. "What happened/"<br />
<br />
"It's none of your business," I shouted and yanked my wrist out of his hand. "It's-it's none of your concern," I repeated in a much milder tone.<br />
<br />
"You know, Lily, we're all going through the same stuff here," Brian gestured towards the common room door.<br />
<br />
"I doubt that Brian," I rolled my eyes and started back up the stairs.<br />
<br />
"We're all in a different country," he said through clenched teeth. "We all feel alone, it's an adjustment for all of us but we don't have to go through it alone, and neither do you. I know you want to be 'mysterious' but cut yourself a little slack. It might make the adjustments easier," he finished with a long sigh.<br />
<br />
I had the sudden urge to scream but I refrained, just barely. "You don't know <i>anything</i> about my situation, I'm not like you guys. I was never like you guys, so don't force us all into the same category. It's an adjustment?" I laughed condescendingly and took one step back down. "My father left me here! With nothing! No money, no clothes, I didn't even have a toothbrush! I had a pair of sweats in my backpack and what amounts to twenty dollars in my hand. We are <i>not</i> the same."<br />
<br />
"Lily--"<br />
<br />
"No, you want to know what we have in common? The <i>only</i> thing we have in common is that we are both in this program. That's it and this conversation is done." I waited to see if he'd say anything else and he looked like he was going to but his phone went off in his pocket. "It's probably your girlfriend, you should pick up."<br />
<br />
I didn't wait around to see if he'd actually pick up his phone or not because I quickly ascending the stairs and was out of sight within moments. I locked myself in the dark room where I could breath a little. I hadn't meant to explode on Brian, and I also hadn't meant to give away so much information about myself. Knowing his big mouth, he'd probably tell the whole common room about the conversation he'd just had with the 'mysterious' newbie and I'd have to face all of them tomorrow.<br />
<br />
I slapped myself on the forehead, how could I have been so thoughtless? I went back to my desk and packed up all my books and put my uniform in the backpack as well. It was only a little after five but I got ready for bed anyway. I didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone for the rest of the night, I just wanted to escape into sleep.<br />
<br />
A little while later the sound of knocking broke me out of my dreamless sleep but I ignored it. It was either for Emily and she wasn't here or it was someone wanting to talk to me and I didn't want to talk to anyone.<br />
<br />
"Lily, are you in there?" I heard Derek ask through the door. Yeah, I definitely didn't want to talk to him. I stayed perfectly still until he left a few minutes later.<br />
<br />
***<br />
<br />
<i>Derek...</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Lily hadn't been at dinner tonight either, I thought to myself. Maybe she'd gotten so distracted by her homework that she'd forgotten when it was served. I snagged a dinner bun, a small milk carton and an apple to bring to her. It wasn't the best meal but it was all I could carry in my hands.<br />
<br />
"Yo, where you going with that," Brian called from the table he was sitting at with a few of the other students.<br />
<br />
"Ah, Lily didn't come for dinner and I thought she might be hungry," I said. I expected Brian to make some sort of innuendo but he didn't.<br />
<br />
"Ah, I see," Brian said. "Make sure she eats, eh?"<br />
<br />
"I'll try, I guess we'll see," I said. Brian seemed out of character tonight, I wondered if something happen with his girlfriend back home. I know he'd left on tense circumstances, maybe they'd broken up, I wondered.<br />
<br />
I left the cafeteria and made my way up to Lily's room, I didn't see any light coming from under the door but I knocked anyway. After almost five minutes, I gave up. She was either already asleep or not even in her room. I debated on whether or not to leave the food lying outside her door but decided against it, no one wanted to eat an apple or a bun after it'd been sitting on the floor. There was also no guarantee that she'd come out tonight at all and see it.<br />
<br />
But...what the hell was I gonna do with a bun, an apple and a carton of milk?<br />
<br />
<i>To Be Continued...</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>***</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>*Cheonmaneyo</i>: "No problem" of "You're Welcome"<br />
<br />Aunniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15498782048239279549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-945360422188709746.post-26510631364322127082014-03-31T06:54:00.001-07:002014-03-31T06:54:55.736-07:00Nae Chingu (My Friends) Chapter Fifteen<div style="text-align: center;">
<u><b><span style="font-size: large;">Nae Chingu (My Friends)</span></b></u></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<u><b><span style="font-size: large;">Chapter Fifteen</span></b></u></div>
<br />
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Chan Min insisted on
buying my uniform himself rather than letting me use what little
allowance I was afforded on the uniform. I had to admit, I was
grateful because the price of the uniform would have eaten all but a
few won from my allowance and I would have been stuck with nothing
until next month. That’s if I couldn’t find a job first, I told myself. I
still held hope that someone would hire me but I needed to keep
looking. Chan Min wanted to take me around to buy more stuff but I
insisted that I needed to get back to the dorms and he reluctantly
drove me back.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“If you need
anything, you will call me,” Chan Min said sternly which,
admittedly, wasn’t very frightening, what with his glasses being slightly askew, but I gave him kudos for
trying. The glasses reminded me of Jong Hwa and I idly wondered what he was doing. Had he left Ji Soo's house yet and gone home? Not for the first time I wished my father hadn't turned my phone off. Had it been on, I don't know if I would have called Jong Hwa but I knew that I wanted too.<br />
<br />
I had been mean this morning by not leaving him a note or saying goodbye in person. At the time it had seemed like a good idea, a clean split if you will, after the last two terrible days but now I was only filled with regret. So much regret, I thought, as it settled like a lump in my throat.<br />
<br />
"Lily," Chan Min said my name questioningly and I was pulled back to reality. "Are you okay?"</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Of course,” I
said even though I knew it was a blatant lie. I had asked for help today because it was a matter of survival and I would most likely ask for help again under the same condition but as far as letting anyone get close to me any more, well...let's just say my father had killed that dream for me. </div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
He said goodbye and I
waited until he’d driven out of sight before I headed down the
street in the opposite direction than I’d taken earlier. I’d seen
my options on the east side of the dorms but now I needed to scope
the west side. As long as it was within walking distance, I would
pretty much accept any job at this point, that’s how desperate I
was. I was also hoping I could find a cellular store down this way as
well.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
It was only after two hours of searching that I realized how dismal my options truly were. I found a delivery place that was hiring but
nothing else. I hadn't taken note of the neighborhood when I first arrived but now I had time to observe my surrounding streets and it was pretty. I assumed that when my mother talked about growing up in the 'ghetto' of Minnesota that it looked a lot like this. Of course, my idea of a ghetto was far different considering I'd had most of my education in Germany and there, well, history had a different description of the word.<br />
<br />
The neighborhood looked like it was borderline impoverish with buildings that looked bleak and dirty. It bustled with the movement of people but there was a lot of idle people-watching from some very sketchy looking characters. Of course it was Sunday so most people didn't have to be at work so that might account for the lack of purpose in most people's movement but it still had made me uncomfortable. At least on the east side of town it hadn't been so bad or so...creepy. I was really questioning whether I wanted that delivery job or not.<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I walked back towards
the dorms and by now it was already well past sundown and I was
almost sure I had missed dinner so I stopped at a nearby gas station
to pick up a couple snacks. I hadn’t noticed how hungry I was until
I bit into the red bean bun I bought. Normally I wasn’t a huge fan
of red beans but it tasted delicious today and it was gone within
seconds. I took out my list of priorities and crossed off the few I’d
been able to get today and decided I would run past the two places
that were hiring tomorrow to see if one of them would give me a job.
Of course, that would be after school, I sighed. I may not have
switched countries this time but once again I was starting at a new
school and dreaded it just the same.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I walked back to the
dorms and bypassed everyone in lieu of getting to my room as soon as
possible. I opened the door to my room and noticed it was empty,
which I silently thanked the Gods for. I took the alone time to
change back into my gym clothes and wrapped my jeans into my t-shirt
and threw it on top of my bunk as a makeshift pillow since I denied
the bed sheets Chan Min had suggested buying earlier. I put my jacket
back on and carefully climbed the shaky stepladder in my slippers and
curled up for the night.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I hadn’t realized I
was asleep until I was woken up by the whispered mutterings of my
roommate.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“No, it’s
weird. She doesn’t even have a blanket. She has her backpack and as
far as I can see, that’s it,” Emily loudly whispered into her cellphone. She waited to hear the reply from whoever she was talking to
on the other side of the line. “No, I didn’t ask her, why would
I?” More silence, “Who cares?”
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“I can hear you,
you know,” I muttered.</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Look Jaina, I
gotta go,” she said and hung up. “I thought you were sleeping.”</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Kind of hard
with you yapping away,” I said and was totally okay with how rude I
sounded.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Excuse me,”
she sounded affronted.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“I don’t care
if you talk about me, but at least have the decency to leave the room
first,” I told her.</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Whatever,” she
responded and all I could do was roll my eyes. Yeah, because that was
a staggeringly good response, I thought. It was hard to fall asleep
after that but eventually, after Emily went to bed herself, I was
finally able to sleep.
<br />
<br />
***</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I felt like I’d only
been asleep for a few minutes when Emily’s alarm went off in the
morning and she grumbled as she descended to the ground level. She
opened her small closet door and took out what looked to be a basket
and left the room. Figuring she was going to shower, I took the time
to descend and change into the uniform. I had to admit, these uniforms were much better than my old ones because at least they weren't tan. They were dark blue with a white border on the lapels. SFLHS hadn't required a tie or bow for the girls but this school did and because I hated the idea of something around my neck, I opted for a loose fitting tie style rather than a bow. The skirt hung a little longer on the legs and was pleated. The only bad part was I no longer had any nylons to go with the uniform so instead I had to bare-leg it. I mentally added nylons to my list of priorities. I checked my watch and
realize I still had a little over an hour before the bus would be
downstairs to pick us all up.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I used that
time to get breakfast and found it mostly empty of people. There were
a few people sitting at one of the tables but I paid them no
attention as I picked up a tray. The buffet offered things like eggs,
bacon, and limpy looking pancakes, all of which I ignored in lieu of
oatmeal and an apple. I snagged a small carton of orange juice and
situated myself at the back of the cafeteria and away from everyone
else.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I was about halfway
through my oatmeal when a tray clattered to the table in front of me
and I was broken out of my peaceful reverie. I glanced up only to
find Brian sitting down in front of me.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Morning,
Newbie,” he smiled and I barely refrained from cringing. I could see it
now, by the end of the day everyone would be calling me Newbie. “Why
are you sitting over here,” he asked me.</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Because I’d like to
be alone, I thought but said “No reason.”
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“You aren’t one
of<i> those</i> girls are you,” he asked me with a cocked eyebrow as he
stuffed a whole piece of bacon into his mouth.</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“’Those’
girls?” I regretted the question as soon as it was out of my mouth.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“You know, loner
types, the mysterious girl that everyone wonders about,” he wiggled
his fingers when he said ‘mysterious’ and I couldn’t hold back
my annoyance.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“You mean the
type that like to be left alone,” I asked.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Is he bothering
you,” a newcomer asked and I looked over Brian’s shoulder to see
Derek coming up from the buffet line.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
This morning just got
better and better, I thought bleakly to myself.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Nah, just
getting to know the Newbie,” Brian said between bites of pancake
and bacon.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Don’t call her
that,” Derek scolded lightly.</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Thank you,” I
said in his direction and went back to eating. Aside from getting up
and walking away from these two and leaving the cafeteria entirely, I wasn’t going to be able to avoid
the stares that were already being directed my way from the other
table of students so I might as well ride it out until I was done
eating. Just because they were sitting here didn’t mean I had to
talk, I told myself.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“You ready for
your first day,” Derek asked me while he started eating his own
plate of food.</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Of course, if I was
asked a direct question, it would only be rude of me not to answer
and even though I didn’t want to interact with these people, I
didn’t want to be overtly rude either so I answered his question,
“Sure.”
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“You don’t
sound all that excited,” Brian commented.</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“It’s not my
first time at a new school, or my second, or third for that matter.
The excitement tends to lessen as times goes on,” I responded
blandly and spooned the last bit of oatmeal into my mouth.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Yeah but you’re
in a different country, doesn’t that make you nervous,” Derek
asked.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Like I said
yesterday,” I stood up, prepared to take my leave. “I’ve been
living in Korea for three years. I think my first day will be
infinitely less nerve-wracking than yours was,” out of habit I
nodded my head in their direction and left the table. I’ll finish
my apple in the commons area, I decided.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
No one bothered me
after that and I was able to board the bus in peace, except for the
background noise. I would have given anything to have my iPod at the
moment just to—wait a minute, I thought. I desperately grabbed at
my backpack and opened the small pocket on the side. I wanted to cry
as soon as I saw the white cord of the headphones, it was the best
thing that had happened to me in as many days. I pulled out the iPod
and slipped the ear buds in my ears. The sound of VIXX in my ears
almost brought another wave of tears, I could drown everyone out now,
or at least until my battery died, I remembered. My iPod cord had
been plugged into my laptop back at the apartment which had
assumingly been packed up and sent back to the States with my father.
Well, that was great, I thought. I’d just have to pick up another
one.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
The bus ride was short,
thankfully, and I was halfway to the front entrance when someone grabbed
my elbow and swung me around hard enough to dislodge the earbuds from
my ears and I took a quick step back from whoever had done it.</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Don’t,” I
said loudly enough for the people near me to look in my direction.
Derek was standing opposite of me looking confused. “Don’t ever
touch me again.”
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“I’m-I’m
sorry, I just—“ he lowered his hand and did truly look sorry. I
closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “I needed to tell you that
you need to go to the Administration’s Office before you come to
class. I forgot to tell you that yesterday,” he finished
lamely.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Thank you,” I
said tensely and walked away from him and towards the entrance.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Unlike the first time I
transferred to a Korean school, I no longer had problems reading the
placards and found the Admin’s office fairly quickly. The woman
registered my file, took a photo for my student I.D., walked me to
the library to pick up my required text books and escorted me to
class. When she knocked on the door, I prepared to give another
introductory speech, one that would be better than my last attempt.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Students, this
is our new student, Ms. Lily Smith,” The teacher said in perfect
English despite her relatively thick accent. “Lily, won’t don’t
you tell us a little about yourself.”
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Here goes nothing, I
thought. “Annyeonghaseyo Yeoreobun, Jeoneun Ril-Li-imnida,” I
spoke the rest of my introduction in Korean and watched as the faces
changed from idly curiosity to amazement as I spoke in clear and
concise Korean. "I moved to Korea almost four years ago. I transferred here from Seoul Foreign Language High School and my only goal is to finish high school in Korea without incident. Thank you." <br />
<br />
The teacher let out a nervous chuckle, "Well, that is impressive, Lily but," she awkwardly patted my shoulder. "You might you want repeat that all in English. This classroom is English oriented so Korean is rarely used and only during the Korean teaching lesson."<br />
<br />
Oh. I refrained from sighing and repeated everything I'd said in English. Here I'd been thinking I could avoid any awkwardness and not only had I just walked into an already awkward situation but then I'd compiled it by trying to avoid it. After I'd finished, the teacher ushered me to a desk that was near the back and effectively moved on with her lesson plan. </div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
For the first time
since I’d left Ji Soo’s yesterday, I missed my friends. I could
picture Mae Ri, clear as day, sitting in front of me twisting the end
of her hair around her finger as she listened to the teacher talk. I
could only imagine what her outfit looked like today. Ji Soo would be sitting
in his classroom by now doing only God knew what. And Jong Hwa…if I
closed my eyes, I could see him sitting at his desk looking intently
at the teacher and taking in every word that the teacher spoke. Every
once in a awhile he’d look down to hash out a few notes but then
he’d be back to focusing on the teacher.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I didn’t notice I
wasn’t paying attention until everyone began pulling out books from
their backpacks and I had no idea what the teacher had said. I paid
attention from that moment on and didn’t think about my friends
after that. They were off doing their own thing at their own school
and I was here and I couldn’t afford to waste time not paying
attention, not when my entire livelihood was riding on my academic
success.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
***</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
The morning classes
breezed by and I was happy to find out that my expensive education at
SFLHS had paid off. We had been much farther ahead and although I
felt like my final semester of high school would be a breeze, I
didn’t want to get too cocky and let down my guard.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
When the class was
dismissed for lunch, I opted to head somewhere quiet rather than face
my peer’s scrutiny. It seemed I wasn’t so lucky when Brian
stopped me in the hallway, standing next to him was Derek and another
girl I hadn’t met yet. She looked at me curiously. She had short
brown hair that some how managed to be messy and cute at the same
time. She looked rather small standing next to Brian and only reached
about shoulder height. I hadn’t seen her around the dorm but then
again, I hadn’t seen much of anyone really.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Newbie, the
lunch room is over here,” he called after me when I’d gone in the
opposite direction.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“I wasn’t
planning on going to the lunch room,” I said as I turned around.</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Why not,”
Derek asked, looking concerned.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“I was attempting
to be ‘mysterious’,” I put emphasis on the word and looked
pointedly at Brian. There was a moments silence before Brian’s loud
guffaw echoed down the hall.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Touché,
touché,” he nodded as he said it. “Well you’re welcome to join
us if you feel like <i>not </i>being mysterious.”
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Duly noted,” I
said.</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“You’re not
even going to introduce us,” the girl said from in between the two
boys. “Fine, I’ll do it myself.” She took a few steps forward
and very boldly stuck her hand out for a handshake, “I’m Annabeth
and you must be the new kid on the block.”
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I debated weather to
take her hand and opted for not being completely rude so I took it
and introduced myself, “What tipped you off?”</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
She laughed openly,“That was quite
an impressive speech you gave earlier, not that I understood a word
of of the first part, mind you.” She smiled sweetly at me and let go of my hand.
“You must have picked up Korean really quickly."</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Well, like I said, I’ve
been living in Korea for three years, kind of had to learn it to
survive.” I informed her. She didn’t seem so bad, I thought.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Really,” She
sounded impressed and looked back at the two boys. “Looks like I
found my new language tutor,” she looked back at me and sidled up
next to me. “I struggle over the littlest pronunciations but you
obviously have them down pat,” she hooked her arm with mine and
started walking towards the lunch room and I had no choice but to go
with her. I glanced at the boys after we walked past them, hoping
they’d offer me some assistance but Brian simply waved at me and
Derek looked like it was better me than him.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Careful, she’s
sneaky,” Brian whispered at me as Annabeth kept prattling on about
the Korean language.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Needless to stay I
spent the entire lunch period sitting next to Annabeth as she talked
at me about everything she experienced since coming to Korea. Rather
than finding her annoying, I found her to be a pleasant distraction
from missing my friends. In between her ramblings, I tried to imagine
what my friends would be doing right now. I’m sure Mae Ri was doing
her own bit of rambling to Ji Soo and Jong Hwa about what Kdrama
she’d seen the night before and Ji Soo and Jong Hwa would make
noncommittal comments just to appease her. I smiled at the thought.</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“What,”
Annabeth asked innocently.</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“It’s nothing,
keep going,” I told her and she happily complied.</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
When lunch was over, Annabeth and I walked back to the classroom arm-in-arm which I assumed she did because she knew I'd just as soon as walk away from her than stay glued to her side as I currently was. However, her luck ran out as soon as we hit the classroom because my desk was clear across the room from hers. I disengaged from her arm as soon as I was able and took refuge at my desk until the teacher announced the start of class.<br />
<br />
***<br />
<br />
I had learned from my previous experiences at every school I had ever attended that there were several universal truths and one of them was this: when the school bell rang, the students all vacated their desk as soon as it was possible. It didn't matter if it was Spain, Germany or Korea, every student wanted out of the confines of school as soon as they could. I was no different, except that when the school bell rang, my first order of business wasn't to get up and leave the classroom, it was to immediately put headphones in my ears to avoid the awkward after-school-chatter. Back at SFLHS, it wasn't never an issue because I'd been with Jong Hwa, Mae Ri and Ji Soo but here was a totally different circumstance.<br />
<br />
With the sound of Infinite's "Before the Dawn" playing in my ears, I packed up my backpack and left for the bus that would take me back to the dorms. I needed to run by the delivery place that was hiring as well as the gentleman's after hours club; I hoped one of them hired me otherwise I'd have to go farther than a mile out to find a job and that would be a lot of walking since I didn't want to use whatever money I had left stored on my bus card on anything that wasn't borderline emergent.<br />
<br />
I didn't notice that Derek had been trying to catch my attention until he jumped in front of me. Annoyed, I pulled out my earbuds, "What?"<br />
<br />
"Sorry, it's just that you, um, told me not to touch you this morning and I didn't want to make you angry so," he stopped midsentence.<br />
<br />
"Okay," I dragged out the word indicating I was waiting for him to continue.<br />
<br />
"Well, we have an after school study hall, um, I was--we were wondering if you wanted to join," he asked and ran a hand through his hair. The gesture reminded me of Jong Hwa because it was his usual habit and I unconsciously softened my tone for what I said next.<br />
<br />
"Thank you for the offer, really, I can't," I said. "It's just that I've got these errands that absolutely need to be taken care of today. Rain check?"<br />
<br />
"Sure, yeah, sure," he smiled widely and nodded. "We meet Mondays and Wednesdays, just, you know, so you know," he finished.<br />
<br />
"Great, um, count me in," I cringed inwardly. The words had left my mouth before I could think to change them and now it was too late. Crap!<br />
<br />
"Awesome," he said and walked away.<br />
<br />
Double crap! Ugh, did I really just join a study hall group, I asked myself. Yep, I nodded, sure did. I decided to blame Jong Hwa and his endearing mannerism. I sighed and logged it as a problem for another day.<br />
<br />
***<br />
Nearly two hours later, I walked out of the gentleman's club feeling like I'd finally won the lottery but only to find out that it was only for $20. The delivery place required a mode of transportation so I couldn't even apply but the gentleman's club had no such requirements. In fact, I left the building with the job but the only problem was--I had very little time to work with. The manager hired me with the understanding that I could work whenever I wanted during the day as long as I got the job done by the start of the business night. In order to do that, I'd have to work at the wee-hours of predawn since I'd be in school all day. My only saving grace was that the club was closed on Mondays and Tuesdays. That meant Wednesday through Friday I'd have to wake up around three in the morning just to clean the whole building by the time I needed to be back at the dorms to catch the bus to school.<br />
<br />
My inner child wanted to sit on the floor and complain except I couldn't and it wouldn't help me even if I did. So instead, I walked back to my dorm and all the while making a schedule in my head. I hadn't been paying attention to anything around me until I hit the common room and heard my name shouted clear across the room.<br />
<br />
I looked up to see the source of the voice and was nearly floored when I saw Mae Ri jump off one of the couches and come towards me. Actually, I was pretty sure my mouth had been hanging open because when Mae Ri swung her arms over my shoulders in a tight hug, her shoulder gentle nudged my mouth close. As if seeing Mae Ri wasn't astonishing enough, watching as my other two friends stroll over at a much slower pace had me looking around the room in confusion just to make sure I was, in fact, actually at my dorms.<br />
<br />
"Mae Ri-ya," I gentle hugged her back.<br />
<br />
"Bogoshipeo*," she whined into my ear and pulled back. "Jeongmal*!"<br />
<br />
"Na du*," Ji Soo said once he'd gotten closer and he reached out and squeezed my shoulder in true Ji Soo fashion.<br />
<br />
I looked at Jong Hwa who nodded and quietly whispered a "Na du" as well. I couldn't take my eyes off of him, I couldn't believe he was actually standing in front of me, especially in a place as foreign as this. It had only been a day since I'd last seen him but it had felt much longer. My fingers itched to touch him but I refrained, mostly because I knew everyone else in the room was watching the four of us. I could almost feel their beady little eyes staring and it was enough for me to be very conscious of my actions.<br />
<br />
"Yeo-yeogiseo*?" Even though I had been speaking Korean much longer than I'd been speaking English, I still had to consciously switch back to Korean after speaking in English for 99% of my day. "Wae*?"<br />
<br />
This obviously had not been what Mae Ri was waiting to hear because she looked at the boys questioningly before looking back at me and said in a much less excited voice, "We missed you and wanted to see how your first day went."<br />
<br />
"Oh, it was-it was fine," I said and nodded somewhat encouragingly but it was clear that I'd made a mistake just by the look on their faces. "What?"<br />
<br />
"'It was fine'," Ji Soo repeated. "That's all you can say about it?" I think he tried to make it funny except it wasn't funny to me. In fact, this whole situation was incredibly uncomfortable which was something new for me--for us, even. I'd never been uncomfortable with them but I was completely caught off guard.<br />
<br />
"Well, what do you want me to say Ji Soo? It was exactly like every other first day of school I've ever experienced," I said, maybe a little too coldly because his half-smile was completely wiped off his face after I was finished talking.<br />
<br />
"Hey, Lily," Brian walked up to my group and nudged me on the shoulder. "Who are these guys?"<br />
<br />
Your timing couldn't be worse, I silently shouted at him. Ugh, I so didn't need this right now. "They are my friends from Seoul Foreign Language High School, my old school," I said after a moment. "Jong Hwa, Ji Soo, and Mae Ri." I pointed to each person individually and if Brian was smart he would see the tension that was etched on all of our faces and walk away.<br />
<br />
He wasn't smart. He smiled and said "Nice to meet you" instead. If enunciating each word loudly as if my friends were deaf wasn't bad enough, he stuck his hand out for a handshake to top it off. First off, every Korean was taught basics of English and second, shaking hands was a very western custom and although Jong Hwa shook Brian's hand out of sheer politeness, Ji Soo wasn't feeling as generous. Actually, Ji Soo just stared at it as if the very act of touching it would give him AIDs and an already awkward situation just got more awkward. Wonderful.<br />
<br />
"I'm sorry, Ji Soo is moody, don't take it personally," I said to Brian which earned me a surprised looked from Ji Soo at the sound of me using his name.<br />
<br />
"What did you tell him," Ji Soo asked quickly. When I didn't answer, he looked at Jong Hwa, "What did she say?"<br />
<br />
Jong Hwa and I just looked at each other and just like that the tension eased. We laughed freely at Ji Soo's expense. I didn't bother to explain the situation to either Brian of Mae Ri or even fill Ji Soo in on what I'd said.<br />
<br />
"Sorry," I said and wiped a humor-induced tear out of my eye. "They're my friends," I reiterated to Brian just as Derek came walking up to the group. We were creating quite a stir in the common area since no one had even bothered to hide the fact that they were all staring.<br />
<br />
"What's goin' on over here," Derek asked with a smile as he mosied up closely next to me but with Brian on my other side, I couldn't move and had to remain wedged between the two.<br />
<br />
"Lily here was just introducing me to her friends," Brian informed him.<br />
<br />
"Oh, it's nice to meet you," Derek also held his hand for a handshake although I had to give him kudos for not raising his voice like Brian had. Jong Hwa once again shook hands but did so out of politeness, I assumed. When Derek moved to shake hands with Ji Soo, Brian slapped his hand away.<br />
<br />
"Don't bother with that one," he said.<br />
<br />
I looked at Jong Hwa and we both looked at Ji Soo at the same time before breaking out into fits of laughter again.<br />
<br />
"Ya! What did he say," Ji Soo asked indignantly while gripped Jong Hwa's shoulder to try and shake an answer out of him.<br />
<br />
***<br />
<br />
It was nearing the time for the last bus when I finally said good bye to my friends. I had showed them around my dormitory but I managed to steer them clear of my room. Mae Ri had asked repeatedly to see my room but I'd always been able to distract her with something else. The last thing I needed was for them to look at the room and realize I didn't even have bed sheets, not to mention that having my friends meet the venomous Emily would only end in disaster.<br />
<br />
I was walking them to the front of the building when Mae Ri exclaimed loudly, "Oh, I almost forgot!"<br />
<br />
"What," I asked as we walked through the door that separated the dormitories from the main entrance.<br />
<br />
"Let me see your phone," she held out her hand as if me giving her my phone was a sure thing.<br />
<br />
Which it was, I thought to myself as I reached for my phone automatically. I didn't even know why I still had the thing considering it didn't actually work outside of a zone with wifi but I handed it to her nonetheless.<br />
<br />
"You have wifi here right," she asked me while clicking on the touch screen.<br />
<br />
"Yeah," I said as I peeked to see what she was doing.<br />
<br />
"I know your phone is turned off, but," she left the rest of her sentence dangle and she waited for something to download.<br />
<br />
"Mae Ri what are you putting on my phone," I reached to pull it out of her hands but she stepped back quickly out of reach. "Ya, Mae Ri-ya," I warned.<br />
<br />
"There," she said and handed me back the phone. I looked at it and all I could see was a green screen with a speech bubble with the word "Line" in it. I'd heard of it but I'd never understood the use, as far as I knew it was a messaging system and that was all.<br />
<br />
"Mae Ri, I can't use my phone, it's disconnected," I told her but she kept smiling.<br />
<br />
"I know, but Line lets you use the text messaging feature as long as you have wifi," she said excitedly. "As long as the other person has it as well and today we all downloaded it onto our phones."<br />
<br />
She pulled it up on her phone and showed me. I looked from her to each of the boys and they both nodded to confirm her words.<br />
<br />
"This way you can get a hold of us at any time," as if to prove her point she shot me a quick text with the word 'daebak*' in it. "As long as you have wifi, I mean."<br />
<br />
My heart lurched in my chest uncomfortably and I had to rub the spot of my heart just to ease the tension, my voice sounded thick even to my own ears as I said, "Thank you."<br />
<br />
"No problem," she came in for a quick hug and I hugged her back graciously. "We better get going before my dad calls out the police," she joked.<br />
<br />
"You're right," I let her go and turned to the boys. "Make sure she gets home safe," I pointed at each of them in turn.<br />
<br />
"Of course," Ji Soo said and did something completely unexpected. He hugged me. In the past three years, all I'd ever gotten from Ji Soo was a shoulder nudge so to say I was completely taken aback was an understatement although I understood his reasoning as soon as he started whispering in my ear.<br />
<br />
"You are taking your pills, right," he whispered so only I could hear.<br />
<br />
"Yes," I whispered back and felt grateful that he had known I wouldn't have wanted him to ask me that in front of the other two, especially Jong Hwa.<br />
<br />
"Good girl," he teased and pulled back. He had such a look of concern on his face that I had to swallow hard to keep back the tears I knew wanted to spring into my eyes. He nodded at me as if he understood and patted my shoulder.<br />
<br />
The moment was broken the second I looked at Jong Hwa though. He'd been exceptionally quiet all night but then again, it might have just been because Mae Ri had been doing most of the talking, as usual. Ji Soo must have sensed the difference in the air because he clapped Jong Hwa on the shoulder and said, "We'll head out first. See you at the bus stop." He took Mae Ri by the arm which was a good thing because she looked like she was about to protest. "Come on beautiful, let's get going."<br />
<br />
"But--" and they were gone.<br />
<br />
Jong Hwa simply nodded and never took his eyes off mine. As soon as Ji Soo and Mae Ri walked through the doors we were in each other's arms. I'd wrapped my arms around Jong Hwa's waist and he wrapped an arm around my shoulders and gently held the back of my head with the other. It felt like the most natural thing in the world even though we'd never hugged like this before.<br />
<br />
Maybe Jong Hwa and I had always been headed towards this change in our friendship but I had never even considered it a possibility. How had he become my world? And so quickly. I breathed in his clean scent and realized I didn't care how we'd gotten here as long as we'd gotten here. I buried my head further into his neck and was unwilling to let him go until I absolutely needed too. Had it really only been two weeks ago when all we'd been was friends and now it seemed like we were so much more.<br />
<br />
"I miss you," I said into his neck and felt him hold me tighter. "Everything seems to hard now, I can't even control my emotions, I'm mad all the time. Sometimes I just feel like falling asleep and never waking up again, it's so hard."<br />
<br />
"I know," he said and pulled back just enough to see my face. "I know but you'll be okay."<br />
<br />
The tears I'd held back with Ji Soo flowed freely now, "You can't leave me, okay?" I gripped the back of his jacket, not willing to let go until he'd promised me he'd never leave my side.<br />
<br />
"That will never happen," he said and kissed my forehead.<br />
<br />
Which is the exact moment that Derek walked through the door behind us. "Hey Lily, it's last--oh," he stopped talking abruptly and just stared at us.<br />
<br />
We didn't exactly jerk back from each other but we did drop our arms and stepped back from each other. My shoes looked really interesting all of a sudden, I thought, as I picked at something on the tiled floor with my toe.<br />
<br />
Derek cleared his throat and said in a much more subdued tone, "It's, ah, it's last call. The security guy is going to lock the door so you better come back inside."<br />
<br />
"Alright," I said and nodded. Derek looked at Jong Hwa once more and nodded before walking back inside.<br />
<br />
It seemed strange that we hadn't felt awkward moments ago but now, with Derek breaking us out of our reverie, we could barely manage eye contact. "I'll text you when we get Mae Ri home," Jong Hwa said and I bit the inside of my cheek and finally looked at him.<br />
<br />
"Thank you," I said. He reached up and gently stroked my cheek with his thumb before turning around and walking out the door. When the cold blast of night air hit my face I had a sinking feeling. He'd just promised to not leave me but experience had taught me that everyone left so it was only a matter of time before I would be forced to say goodbye to Jong Hwa. The thought hollowed out my chest and my heart ached.<br />
<br />
I shook my head to shake the thought loose. It hadn't come to pass yet and I would deal with it when it did, I told myself. I walked back inside the dormitories and immediately headed for the stairs that would take me to my room. I hadn't changed out of my school uniform even though it had been several hours and I was dying to not only get into something comfy but take my mind off everything that had just transpired even though I knew when I closed my eyes for the night, all I would be able to see was Jong Hwa's face.<br />
<br />
I saw Derek watching me out of the corner of his eyes but since I didn't want to answer the questions I knew he wanted to ask me, I pretended like I hadn't seen him and left without even uttering a goodbye. Emily was asleep by the time I got to my room and I quietly thanked the Gods above.<br />
<br />
***<br />
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<i>Jong Hwa...</i><br />
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At first I cursed at Derek for breaking in on the moment that Lily and I had shared but as I walked to meet up with Ji Soo and Mae Ri at the bus stop I chalked it up to being a blessing in disguise. I hadn't liked the fact that in only a day she'd somehow attracted the attention of two boys. I knew she hadn't done it on purpose, the look on her face when they had come over to us had all but confirmed that she'd felt anything but affection for them but the relief hadn't lasted very long when I realized that Derek obviously didn't feel the same. When she hadn't been looking, Derek would watch her and I felt the pangs of jealous deep in my stomach.<br />
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I decided he walked in at the right moment, at least he'd have no question about who I was in Lily's life. Hopefully he would take the hint. I'd never been a possessive person but I wanted to stake my claim on Lily even though she wasn't technically mine to claim. Yet, I hoped. Things had changed tonight whether Lily and I had expected it to or not and I couldn't help but feel a kind of exhilaration at the realization.<br />
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I felt like I had secretly like Lily for so long that I didn't know how to actually like her in the open, in front of our friends, much less strangers. Walking away from her had been the hardest thing, especially when I knew that Derek guy would be waiting for her beyond the door. I wished I could just take her hand and bring her home with me but that wasn't possible so I had done the only thing I could, I left. Mae Ri waved to me as I got closer and it broke me out of my train of thought.<br />
<br />
<i>To Be Continued...</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>***</i><br />
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*<i>Bogoshipeo</i>: Literal translation "I want to see you" but more accurately means "I miss you"<br />
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*<i>Jeongmal</i>: "Really" or "Seriously" it is interchangeable with <i>Jinjja</i>.<br />
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<i>*Na Du</i>: "Me too"<br />
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*<i>Yeogiseo</i>: "You're here?"<br />
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*<i>Wae</i>: "Why"<br />
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*<i>Daebak</i>: Korean slang for "Awesome"<br />
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Aunniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15498782048239279549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-945360422188709746.post-44378919810037937962014-03-26T08:51:00.001-07:002014-03-26T08:55:07.935-07:00Avoiding The Bullsh*t<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I was recently accused of maintaining friendships that are way beyond their expiration date--I find this to be completely untrue. (There will be another blog on this concept later) However, I have managed to maintain a few friendships that, in-eloquently put, are pretty awesome. One of them happens to be with an old high school teacher of mine; every once in a blue moon we send each other emails with updates on the course of our lives since graduation (some years ago, *sigh* I'm getting old) and I thoroughly enjoy this process. However, one our most recent email exchanges had a very strange twist; as he told me about a situation his youngest child found herself in, he said "...you seemed to have avoided all that bullshit in high school, if memory serves." Well, his memory didn't serve because I did not, in fact, avoid "all that bullshit". I was roped into the drama of my teens as much as anyone else, if not more so. I often tell people that my high school years were probably, by far, the worse years of my life--maybe only because at the time I hadn't acquired the knowledge I have today to make my life better.<br />
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Nonetheless, his words have swirled around my head for the past two months and I finally decided I would get my thoughts down and maybe they will help someone else. I could probably write a book on how much my high school experience was absolutely the worst four years but I won't. Instead, I will simply say I have scars, both physical and mental, that will follow me the rest of my life and leave it at that. Let your imagination draw what it will...</div>
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I would look at people around me, people that were smarter, prettier, and infinitely better equipped than either myself or my friends were and be jealous. Friendships were being made and broken daily in my circle of rejects and going to school every morning was always a challenge because I didn't know what I would be walking into. It wasn't all bad; I don't want to leave the impression that I have <i>no</i> happy memories from those four years, I have plenty, but it was a challenge--one that I caved too more times than I'd ever willingly admit to. </div>
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However, seven years later, I am able to objectively look back and realize the mistakes I'd made and, of course, would change if that were possible. I have a few pieces of advice that I'd like to pass on to anyone who is maybe experiencing the same things as I had.</div>
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I've learned that although it may not look like it, all high school students experience the same things in high school. They experience loss, they experience pain, they experience anger, jealousy, hatred but they also experience happiness, love, and friendship. These experiences are almost, if not more so, important as what the teachers are trying to drill into your head such as math, English, economics, etc. Everyone, at one point or another, will experience these emotions so the phrase "You are not alone" is not simply something people tell suicidal teenagers; it is a statement of fact. You. Are. Not. Alone in your pain. It's how we cope with it that makes us different. Some wear it on their shoulder like a badge of honor--others bury it deep until it morphs our view on the world and makes it harder to bear. </div>
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How can you avoid the bullshit? It's <u style="font-style: italic;">way</u> easier said than done, that's for sure. Even now, I find myself occasionally getting roped into the BS and it's hard to extract yourself from the tangled webbing once it starts closing in on you. However, if you remember the following phrase, you'll be halfway there. Ready? Here it is...Never underestimate the power of "No". Seems too simple, right? It's really not... It's not easy, it's the hardest thing you'll learn in your life. "No, I am not doing this" is a scary thing to say to your friend. It's a scary thing to say to your parent! I know this because I've had to say it in both instances. </div>
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Choosing not to get roped into the BS is as simple as saying "No, I'm not going to get roped in" and walking away. We fear losing our friends because life would be harder to bear without people by our side to help us stay upright. It was this very fear that kept me from realizing how dangerous my willingness to keep these friendships had become. I would say "Yes" even though my mind would scream "No"--and I'm not talking about anything sexual, I'm simply saying that my friends wanted to and did things that I felt were unacceptable. I followed their footsteps because I felt I had no other choice. It was either follow them or lose them.</div>
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In high school, I felt like my friends were the only sane thing in my life; losing friends nearly crushed me which is why I went out of my way to maintain my tenuous friendships. We hear adults say "If they were truly your friend, they would understand" and much like the bratty, little snots we are(...or were, in my case 0.o) we ignored their advice and said "They don't understand" <u style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">but</u> there is one thing to remember: friends are only as important if they feel the same way you do. Our parents, much to my dismay, were 100% right. </div>
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As an example, I have a friend (I shall use her nickname), Firnlambe. We met only a few years ago but even now it seems that if I lost her as a friend, I would be broken. Luckily for me, she feels the same way. We've agreed, however, that we have <i>no</i> idea how or why we are friends. Her views on love, life and religion, are <u style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">completely</u> different than mine! But we make it work because we are <i>choosing</i> to be friends. We're not friends simply because we fear losing each other. We don't always get along. Sometimes she's annoyed with me and vice versa however, there is strength behind our friendship because I <i>choose</i> to be her friend and she <i>chooses</i> to be mine. Friendship is not something that just happens--or at least, not very often--a friendship, much like a relationship, must be maintained with conscious care and love just like <i>any other relationship</i> you'll ever have in your life. </div>
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As far as avoiding the bullshit, it all comes down to the same concept. Nothing ever just <i>happens</i> to someone--we always have a choice. We are our own beings, our own consciousness and we don't owe a damn thing to anyone else but ourselves. Cheating yourself out of something you want does nothing but a disservice to you. Man, had I known that, I would have, hands down, been one of the most awesome people in my high school! I would look at other people and think "I wish I was like them..." and now, that very phrase makes my skin crawl. </div>
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I used to hate myself, I didn't like anything about myself but I assumed that was just how I was built, how God had made me and I couldn't change it except..."who you are" is a concept that is molded by our own hands. I would blame my parents or my situation for the terrible things happening to me except I needed to look no further than the mirror to realize who was really to blame. This all comes back to what I said before--everyone experiences the same happiness and sadness in high school, <u>how we deal with it</u> is what separates us. Instead of wishing you could be someone else, make yourself into someone you like--or, if it sounds better--make yourself into someone to be jealous of. Make yourself into someone even you would look at and say "Man, I wish I was like that!" </div>
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You will, inevitably, lose friends somewhere along the way. It is not something to be feared but something everyone learns to embrace. Some are more difficult than others, I'll admit. The idea of losing a friend, most especially in high school, is terrifying. Someone once told me that I will get more and better friends after high school and I believe I responded with "I don't want <i>those</i> friends, I want <i>these</i> friends" and let me tell you...I most definitely did <i>not</i> want <i>these</i> friends. I feared that future friends wouldn't be as great as the friends I had then but now, I can freely admit, I<i> </i>have <i>great</i> friends now. New friends <i>will</i> come along, the really <i>great</i> friends will take time but they will come. Nothing is free and if it is, it should be questioned (which is actually a really great rule of thumb, FYI) and this includes friendship. Great friendships must be earned and, more often than not, the price is time. So sit tight, kiddies, because great friends are on their way to you even as you read this.</div>
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If who you become is not someone your friends want to be friends with, then that is their sincere loss because <u><i>you are awesome</i></u>. If that means you dye your hair blue and wear funky knee-high socks that in no way match your outfit, then so be it. You'll be exactly like...well...me! My sister dresses like she head dives into a pile of clothing each morning and grabs the first things her hands touch--I'm talking different colored socks, tie-dyed leggings, a tutu and more often than not, she has hair ties that are--quite literally--bought directly from the kid's section at Target. Even me, with blue hair, had a moment of pause whenever I walked around with her in public but you know what...if she's comfortable in whatever she's wearing on any particular day, then why do I care? Not gonna lie, however, some of our outfits are a bit much for even our parents to swallow and yet they proudly walk beside us no matter who happens to be staring.</div>
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Of course, if you prefer button down shirts with jeans, then that's just as perfectly fine--if what sets you apart is your unwillingness to conform to what is expected of you, then you are just as "far out there" as I am with the blue hair. My point is, enjoy who you are, don't think of yourself as someone you <i>have</i> to be because if you do...you will be miserable for the rest of your life and that is unfair. Unfair to your parents who made you, unfair to your friends but more important unfair to the person you could be. </div>
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My sincerest hope is that someone who is unhappy in their life will read this and realize their potential and come full circle into themselves. I hope that my words can touch at least one person because then I will feel like my hardships in high school will have been worth it, if for no other reason then to share my experience and knowledge and use it to make someone else's life better. </div>
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Aunniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15498782048239279549noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-945360422188709746.post-38019618705903348452014-03-19T08:24:00.001-07:002014-03-20T09:47:57.828-07:00Nae Chingu (My Friends) Chapter Fourteen<br />
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<b><u><span style="font-size: large;">Nae Chingu (My Friends)</span></u></b></div>
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<b><b><u><span style="font-size: large;">Chapter Fourteen</span></u></b></b></div>
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<i>Three Years Ago...</i><br />
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Well what the hell was I going to do now? I thought as I looked around at the buildings near me. I had absolutely no idea where I was. I contemplated going into one of the buildings and asking someone where I was but my Korean wasn't nearly proficient enough for me to ask, let alone understand the answer. How could I have been stupid enough to get on the wrong bus? Why had I gotten off even after I noticed I'd taken the wrong one? Surely the bus would have eventually taken me back to my original stop. I'd panicked, that's why, I told myself. Plain and simple, I panicked and now I was somewhere in Seoul without a clue as to where I was or how I got back. I could have taken a taxi but I didn't have much left of my allowance and I sure and heck wasn't going to call my dad.<br />
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I sat on a park bench and tried to think of how I could get myself out of this. <i>Jong Hwa!</i> Jong Hwa would know how to get me home and he spoke English so all I had to do was...was call him, I finished lamely. Call him on a cellphone I didn't know the number too. That was so...so...unhelpful, I smacked my forehead with my hand. Ah! But I knew where he was...<br />
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I pulled out my cellphone and found the SFLHS number and waited for the receptionist to pick up.<br />
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"Hello. This is Seoul Foreign Language High School. How may I direct your call," the receptionist chirped into the phone.<br />
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"I need to speak with Kim Jong Hwa in classroom A-2136," I stuttered into the phone with shabby Korean.<br />
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"I'm sorry, that class is currently--:<br />
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"It's an emergency," I cut in.<br />
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"Ah," she sounded confused.<br />
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Please, lady, just do it, I silently begged.<br />
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"Hold for a moment," she said before putting me on hold.<br />
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I hoped she was getting him. If not then my only other option was to hail a cab and get a ride to the military base and pray that my father wouldn't kill me afterwards. He hated being inconvenienced and I knew he would be furious.<br />
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After I'd been on hold for five minutes, I almost gave in and hung up but then Jong Hwa picked up.<br />
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"Yeobeoseyo," he said hesitantly into the phone.<br />
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"Jong Hwa," I nearly cried in relief.<br />
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"Lily," he asked in English. "Is that you?"<br />
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"Yes," the weight on my chest disappeared and for some odd reason, I knew it would be ok. No matter how I got home, I'd be ok and I felt like laughing at my earlier panic.<br />
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"Why are you--what's going on," he asked.<br />
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"I'm completely lost and I don't know how to get back, I just--I don't know," now that I had him on the phone I could see the holes in my plan. How would he even help me, he was in school--where ever that was at this point.<br />
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"Where are you?"<br />
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"Um..I don't know," I answered honestly. I stood up and started looking for the nearest cross section or a sign that would give me some sort of an indication of my location. "I see a sign that says Bukhansan National Park, ahh," I kept looking. "Oh, oh, Deongneung-ro and Samyang-ro, does that help?"<br />
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"I know where you are. Stay there," he said.<br />
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"Wait, no, don't leave school! Just tell me how to get home from here, I think I should be able to figure it out after that," I rushed. I didn't want him to get into trouble.<br />
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"Stay there," he said simply and hung up.<br />
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It took a little more than an hour but Jong Hwa finally found me and took me back to school. I felt bad for dragging him out of school but he'd acted like it was nothing. He was just glad he'd found me. As it turned out, Deongneung-ro was the same street our school was on just a few miles east of where I was. The next day, Jong Hwa brought a map to school and gave it to me during lunch. On it was a color coded list of buses that ran by my house and where in Seoul they would take me. He said he gave it to me to help me from getting lost the next time I got on the wrong bus. On the back of the map was a list of taxi companies that had English translations available at the behest of the caller. I had carried that map with me for a year before I no longer needed it.<br />
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***<br />
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<i>Present Day</i><br />
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The night had passed relatively uneventful and I think that was due to everyone being so tired. It gave me time to think over my options and if I was being honest with myself, time to wallow in my own self-pity...again.<br />
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The next morning I made breakfast again, mostly because I was up before everyone else and had nothing else to do. I was feeling overly hyper and antsy; I was more than ready to leave the house and seclude myself at the dorms. I changed from my SFLHS gym clothes to the extra pair of clothes I had, thankfully, packed before I'd left my apartment that last time. I was going to have to figure out what I was going to do about clothes because not only would I not be able to afford the new school's uniform, but I was down to one pair of underwear and I couldn't even begin to think about how I was going to fix that particular problem. I didn't know when my ESE allowance would begin but maybe I could explain my circumstances to Chan Min and he could give me an advance. I thought that when I was accepted into the program, I wouldn't need to work a part-time job but now, I would need to start looking almost immediately if I was going to pay for new clothes and necessities. While the porridge cooled and I waited for the household to start waking up, I made a list of all the things I would need in the coming days, starting with the most important first.<br />
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I pulled out my smart phone to see if I could find any salvation army type stores only to find out I no longer had internet access despite my phone's 4g network capabilities. A sinking feeling set in and I hoped I was wrong. I dialed Mae Ri's number and got a loud beeping tone before my phone ended the call. I had to suppress the urge to not throw it against the wall. My father had disconnected my cell phone service and left me without a way to communicate with...well...anyone. Instead of throwing it, I gripped it and squeezed my eyes shut to stop the tears from falling.<br />
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"Why are you doing this," I muttered to myself and wiped away the tears that wouldn't be stopped. This seemed extra cruel of my father. What, did he want to prove that I wouldn't last without him? Well, he'd be sorrily mistaken, I thought to myself.<br />
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It took me awhile to pull myself together but when I did, I immediately wrote <i>Phone</i> on top of the priority item list. I began having an insane internal debate on which was more important underwear or a phone when Dr. Lee walked into the kitchen.<br />
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"Joheun Achim*, Abeonim," I stood up immediately and slipped the piece of paper into my jeans pocket.<br />
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"Ah, morning, Lily," he said while he rubbed his stubbled chin. "Did you make breakfast again?"<br />
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"Yes, I-ah-couldn't sleep and had nothing else to do," I admitted.<br />
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"It looks good," he said. "What time are you suppose to be at the dorms?"<br />
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"Actually," I thought about it. I wasn't suppose to meet Chan Min until this afternoon but I needed to get a head start on my list of priorities and I needed to do it fast. "I'm suppose to meet him at nine," I lied. I felt bad about lying to Dr. Lee but if I told him what I was thinking, he would either try to help me or stop me and I didn't need either so lying was my only option.<br />
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He checked the clock and I knew I'd only given him about forty-five minutes before I had to "meet" Chan Min. "Just let me get dressed and we'll head out," he said and started to walk out of the kitchen. "Did you want me to wake up Jong Hwa?"<br />
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"No!" I shouted before I could stop it. I immediately put a hand over my mouth, "I'm sorry, no, he needs to sleep."<br />
<br />
Dr. Lee just looked at me for another moment before he nodded and headed out of the kitchen. I hurried to the back bedroom to get my backpack. I looked down at Mae Ri's sleeping form wondering if I should wake her up or not and decided against it. If I woke her up to say goodbye she'd want to talk and she'd be loud and probably wake up the boys and that I definitely didn't want. I settled for leaving her a note from a page I'd ripped out of a notebook in my backpack:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>Mae Ri-ya, I'm heading to the dorms. Don't be mad for not waking you up, I know you must be tired. Take care of the boys. Don't get into fights at school either. Graduate so you can get into college. Take care.</i></blockquote>
I put the piece of paper on the nightstand where I knew she'd see it when she woke up and left the room. Dr. Lee was waiting for me in the living room when I came out.<br />
<br />
The drive wasn't too bad since it was early on a Sunday morning but it did surprise me just how far the dorms were from where I had lived previously. The dorm itself was a four story red brick building. In fact, it didn't stand out at all, it looked to nondescript.<br />
<br />
"Are you sure this is it?" Dr. Lee asked me while he both looked at the building.<br />
<br />
"Let me go see," I started to get out of the car.<br />
<br />
"I'll go with you--"<br />
<br />
"No, no," he stopped unbuckling his seat belt. "It's okay, I'll just go see if Chan Min is inside," I smiled a bright smile. If he came in now and Chan Min wasn't there, he'd insist on waiting with me and I knew very well Chan Min wasn't in there. "I'll be right back."<br />
<br />
"You sure," he asked dubiously.<br />
<br />
"Of course," I nodded and got out of the car. I hoped he stay put.<br />
<br />
I opened the front doors and walked into a small foyer. There was a small wooden bench on the right side with a miserable looking bush sitting next to it. Straight ahead was a glass windows with small opening for passing things across the barrier and a disheveled looking man sitting behind it wearing a gray t-shirt. If his red hair wasn't a dead give away, the very English "Good Morning" he said told me he wasn't Korean. He had thick glasses on and looked to be in his thirties. I walked up to the barrier and gave the guy a smile.<br />
<br />
"Good morning," he smiled back. "Are these the dorms for the Educational Student Exchange?"<br />
<br />
"Sure is, how can I help you," he asked me nicely.<br />
<br />
"Let me tell my driver that we found the place, I'll be right back," I told him and went back to Dr. Lee who'd gotten out of the car and was leaning against it waiting for me.<br />
<br />
"Is this the place," he asked me.<br />
<br />
"Yes, thank you for the ride Dr-Abeonim!" I bowed to him and hoped he took the hint and left.<br />
<br />
"Will you be ok, Lily," he asked as he walked around the car and towards me. I had to hide my disappointment.<br />
<br />
"Of course, Abeonim." I lied but nevertheless I kept the bright smile on my face. "They give me an allowance and school starts on tomorrow, I'll be taken care of here." Did I sound reassuring enough?<br />
<br />
"You just remember that our house is always open," he clapped me on the shoulder and waited until I nodded before he got back into his car and drove away.<br />
<br />
My shoulders slumped and I felt relieved. This was the first time I was alone in two days and some unknown tension I didn't even realize I was carrying just flowed out of me. I took my first big breath in as many days and went back inside.<br />
<br />
"Sorry about that, I'm Lily Smith, I know I'm early but I'm moving into the dorms today. I'm meeting Chan Min at one," I told the guy behind the window.<br />
<br />
"Ahh, yeah I recognize the name. It's nice to meet you Lily, I'm Ryan. Do you want me to call Chan Min and tell him you're here?" He already started reaching for the phone and I stopped him.<br />
<br />
"No, I'll be back at the scheduled time, I have some errands to run before then anyway. Um, do you know where the nearest cellular service store is?" I asked thinking about my list of priorities.<br />
<br />
"Unfortunately, I do not. I'm sorry," and he genuinely looked apologetic.<br />
<br />
"That's alright," I said. "I'll be back."<br />
<br />
"Ok, I'm only scheduled until noon, after that Derek will be here," he informed me.<br />
<br />
"Thanks!"<br />
<br />
~~~<br />
<br />
Three hours later and I still hadn't found a cellular service store but I did find a few places that were looking for workers. Just menial work but two of the three places required day hours and the third place, well it wasn't a job I relished. It was at a gentlemen's after hours bar but luckily the position was for maintenance so I'd most likely be a janitor that cleaned after closing. I told them I was interested and they told me to stop by tomorrow when the boss was in to see about the job. I kept looking but either no one wanted a high school student working for them or a high school foreigner working for them which made being my situation even more difficult.<br />
<br />
As far as getting the necessities, I found a convenience store that sold travel sized toothbrushes and toothpaste for relatively cheap. I also bought a travel-size bottle of detergent so I could at least wash the clothes I already had. I walked back to the dorms and sat on the bench while waiting for Chan Min to show up. It was about twenty minutes later when a brown haired kid walked up to me.<br />
<br />
"Are you Lily Smith?" He asked.<br />
<br />
"Ah, yeah," I admitted hesitantly.<br />
<br />
"Hi, I'm Derek. I'm the Educational Service's student representative. Chan Min called and said he'd be late. He said I should show you to your room," he said. He was tall, I thought, as I crinked my neck to look at him. He was tall and had bright blue eyes. His hair was long enough to cover his forehead and be pushed behind his ears. I stood up and took a step back.<br />
<br />
"Ah, thanks," I said lamely. He was wearing a black, long-sleeved shirt and jeans and...hot pink sneakers? I couldn't contain a chuckle.<br />
<br />
"Dormitory prank, don't worry, these aren't mine." He laughed with me and wiggled his toes which made the top of the shoe ripple.<br />
<br />
"Too bad, I thought they matched your pants nicely," I teased<br />
<br />
"Well I do like to be stylish," he said and then gestured with his hand to follow him. We headed towards a door I hadn't noticed earlier. "I'll show you around the building before taking you to your room, ok?"<br />
<br />
"Sure," I shrugged, as we walked up a flight of stairs.<br />
<br />
"Well you saw the foyer, looks grand, I know. The second floor is the commons area," he said while he pulled open the second floor door. "Here you'll find the vending machines, a pool table, ping-pong, and a table soccer that no one plays," he pointed to a decrepit looking foosetable sitting in the corner that looked like it had seen better days. The room itself was fairly large and open; there were a few couches stationed around a small TV and the vending machines were strewn around the room. There was one student laying on her stomach on the couch reading from some sort of a textbook. "That's Anna, she's our resident over-achiever. She's from Sweden. She's a good kid."<br />
<br />
"Kid? Why do you say it like you're so much older than the rest of us," I asked him.<br />
<br />
"Well I'm one of three seniors here, everyone else is either a freshman or a sophmore. Anna, over there, is a freshman. Oh, we do have one junior," he tacked on idly. "Speaking of, what are you?"<br />
<br />
"I guess I'm your fourth senior," I told him.<br />
<br />
"Ahhh, another senior in the house, the dorm might not be large enough for the four of us," he joked.<br />
<br />
"Better watch your back then," another guy said from behind Derek has he nudged Derek's shoulder as he walked past.<br />
<br />
"Same to you, Bromo," Derek said back to him.<br />
<br />
"Who's this lass?" Bromo turned his icy gray eyes on me. He was relatively large but not in the sense that he was fat. He was solid muscle, the kind of muscle that makes you think he's compensating for something. His hair was cut short, too long to be called a buzz cut but close. He had an diamond stud in one ear and a chain around his neck that was tucked into his sleeveless tank.<br />
<br />
"This is Lily, she's our newest senior. Lily this is Bromo," Derek introduced us.<br />
<br />
"Not really, the name is Brian but this dude started called me Bromo--short for Brother from another Mother," Brian chuckled.<br />
<br />
"Hello," I bowed out of habit which earned me an all out laugh from Brian.<br />
<br />
"No need to do that Korean shit here," Brian waved it off and I had to hold back my annoyance. I could already tell that Brian was an arrogant person and earned him no points with me.<br />
<br />
"By the way, when did you get here," Derek asked and I'm sure my face showed my confusion. "Korea, I mean."<br />
<br />
"Three years ago," I told him.<br />
<br />
"What?" Brian and Derek asked in unison and I would have laughed except Brian's arrogant attitude had put me in a not-so-joking mood.<br />
<br />
"Yeah, I moved to Korea three years ago. Could you show me to my room now," I asked as pointedly as I could. I just wanted to be alone and Brian's presence made me uncomfortable.<br />
<br />
"Ah, yeah, sure," Derek waved to Brian and we started walking away. "Hey, don't let Brian get to you, he's a good guy. Not always subtle though," Derek said as he took me through a
door and down a hallway that eventually lead to what looked to be the kitchen area. It
was relatively small for a cafeteria and held only four tables that
sat 12 people at max. There was a small buffet like serving area and
a few trash bins around the room. The bottom half of the room was
designed with baby yellow tiles while the top half of the room was
painted a plain white. It kind of gave the room a sickly look and I
hated it. <br />
<br />
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“This is where we
eat, it serves breakfast and dinner, lunch on the weekends when we’re
not in school but,” he made a pained face. “Don’t expect
gourmet. The food is edible but not by much.”
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I only nodded because I
just wanted out of the room. The sickly glow was making my stomach
clench uncomfortably. He nodded and we left after that. He led us
back through the commons area to a door on the opposite end.</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“The buses pick
us up at the front doors around six forty-five in the morning, don’t miss them
because the administration will have your ass otherwise. Attendance
is very important to the program directors, I wouldn’t mess with
it.” Derek warned.</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
We walked two more flights of stairs until we reached the top level. "The third floor is reserved for the boys and this," he pulled on the handle of the door to open it. "Is this girls's floor." </div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Because I had never
seen the inside of a dorm before I had no idea what to expect but
somehow the sheer lack of noise was somewhat unsettling. I had seen
movies with dorms and they always seemed so active but when we
reached the fourth floor landing, there was just…nothing. We went out into a small entry way where there
were two cabinets. One cabinet held small holes for shoes which were
labeled by name and the other cabinet held slippers that were also
labeled by names. A majority of the slippers remained in their cubby
holes while the cabinet for street shoes was fairly empty.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“This is where
you’d leave your shoes and switch to slippers but no one ever
really does,” Derek informed me as he took a step towards the sliding door that lead out of the entry way.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Why not,” I
asked as I slipped my shoes off and purposefully put them in an empty
cubby hole with no name to it. I also pulled out a pair of slippers
and put them on. It was obvious from the first moment that these
slippers had rarely been used, if at all. I hadn’t liked Brian’s attitude
from downstairs and it made me defensive of Korea’s culture.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“I guess people
just aren’t used to the idea, I mean. It’s not really normal for
us,” Derek scratched the back of his neck and looked a little
sheepish.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Well I would
think that people who are hoping to teach in this country would be a
little more open to experiencing the new culture,” I said and even
to my own ears I knew I sounded snobby.</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Look, I’m
sorry for what Bromo said downstairs,” Derek’s shoulders slumped
and I felt bad. “He doesn’t mean anything by it.”</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“No, I’m
sorry,” Derek was just trying to be polite and I was chewing him to
bits. “It’s been a rough couple of days for me, I’m sorry.”</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“So, can I ask
you something?” Derek asked hesitantly.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“You mean besides
that question,” I teased and it earned me a chuckle.</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Why do they wear
slippers?” As he asked, he took off his shoes and replaced them
with slippers.</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Let me ask you
a better question,” I hooked hands in my backpack straps because I
didn’t know what else to do with them. “Do you wear shoes inside
your home?”
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Well no, but—“</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“It’s pretty
much as simple as that. Koreans don’t necessarily always wear
slippers but the point is, you don’t bring dirty shoes inside a
clean house. They sometimes wear slippers just to keep their feet
warm. Most Korean houses don’t have carpet so feet can get quite
chilly,” I said.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“That makes
sense,” He nodded and actually looked like he was thinking about
the simplicity of the slippers.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“How long have
you been here,” I asked, thinking maybe he’d only been here for a
semester.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“I’ve been here
for about five months,” he smiled and looked like he was proud of
that. I, on the other hand, was flabbergasted that he didn’t know
the significance of the slippers, something that was very common.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Five months,”
I repeated, still shocked. “Do you not have any Korean friends?”
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“I mean, I talk
to people at school but I guess not really. I mostly hang out with
people at the dorms,” he admitted.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“That’s a
shame,” I didn’t want to sound pompous and I was already well on
my way to sounding like a know-it-all so I decided to keep my mouth
shut after that. I really just wanted to get to my room and shut
everyone out.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Derek nervously
chuckled after that and immediately showed me the rest of the dorm.
The floor was built like a rectangle with the bathrooms in the center
and the rooms surrounding it. The bathroom itself was fairly large
with several toilets and six showers and although it was empty at the
moment, I wondered how busy it got in the mornings. I’d have to
carve out a scheduled time to shower when no one was really around.
The floor itself held 12 rooms with two people in each room and in
one of the corner rooms was the floor captain. Derek said he’d
introduce me to her a little later, she could get quite grumpy if
woken up before her alarm on the weekends.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Normally, if
she’s not sleeping or studying, she’ll have her door open so
anyone can enter if there are issues but when the door is shut, it’s
best to leave her alone,” he turned around and walked a little ways
down the hall. “And here is your room, number 412.”</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
He knocked on the door
and waited. It was only a few seconds before a quiet “come in”
came from the other side. Derek took out a key from his pocket and
opened the door.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
The first thing I
noticed was that the room was small, claustrophically small, in fact.
There were two bunk beds that were lined up against the walls across
from each other. Under one bed was a futon and the other held a very
small, portable TV. There were two built-in desks that sat across
from each other and opposite the door was a window. At first I didn’t
see anyone inside but finally a saw the comforter on the bed to my
left move slightly and I knew that the person must have been up here.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Emily, your new
roommate is here,” Derek announced and leaned against the door jam.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Yeah, and?” A
voice said from beneath the comforter. “I’m trying to sleep.”
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Emily, Lily,
Lily, Emily,” Derek said half-heartedly. The girl beneath the
covers sighed rather obnoxiously and sat up in bed. She had long
blond hair that seemed to move like silk so it had to have been very
fine. Just by her face I could tell she was slim despite the bulking
sweater she was wearing. She was pretty, I thought, but that was
before she opened her mouth.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Hi, Lily, I’m
Emily. It’s nice to meet you, there are two rules in this room,”
She said without preamble. “First, you and me, we’re not friends.
Second, you and me, we’ll never be friends. Got it?”</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Whoa! What I wouldn’t
give to have Mae Ri here, she would have—I stopped that train of
thought. Mae Ri wasn’t here because I hadn’t wanted her to be
here which reminded me that my phone was still shut off and I
couldn’t even call her if I’d wanted too. Not…that I wanted
too, I told myself.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Come on, Em,
don’t be like that,” Derek said beside me and it brought me back
to the present.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“No, it’s
alright. Hello Emily, I’m Lily. I think we’re going to get along
just fine.” I told her in my sweetest voice.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“What,” she
looked taken aback.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“I don’t want
to be your friend and I don’t need to be your friend, I have
friends of my own. So let’s just agree to mind our own business and
get through this semester. Sound like a plan,” I asked confidently.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I think she wanted to
smile because the corner of her mouth twitched but instead she nodded
her head once and flounced back and went back to sleep.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Ok then,”
Derek said and handed the key to me. “Talk about an uneasy tru—“</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Ah, here you are
Lily,” someone said from behind me. I turned around and saw Chan
Min walking towards the room.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Oh,
Annyeonghaseyo, Chan Min-ssi,” I said and bowed politely.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Thank you Derek
for showing Lily around, Lily I’m sorry that I was late,” Chan
Min said in English.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Animnida,
gwanchanayo,” I replied in Korean, I didn’t care if it was rude
to Derek or not. I had the sudden need to set myself apart from these
people.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Have you met
your roommate yet?” Chan Min asked me in Korean and pointedly
looked into the room.</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Yes, she seems
great,” I lied.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Ah good, good,”
He nodded happily. “Where’s your stuff, is it downstairs yet? Do
you need help?”
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Ahh, no,
it’s-it’s just me and this,” I pulled on the strap of my
backpack awkwardly.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Chan Min looked at me
and the backpack solemnly, “Ah, geuroguna*.”
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Actually, Chin
Min-ssi, I have a question,” I said but I looked pointedly at
Derek. I doubt he’d understood a word we’d said by the utter
confusion on his face as he’d looked between Chan Min and I but I
still didn’t feel like asking for money in front of him either.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Why don’t we
head downstairs first, you can leave your bag up here, if you’d
like. “ Chan Min said. I thought about it for two seconds before I
opted to take the bag with me because one: I wasn’t entirely sure
Emily wouldn’t look through my stuff and two: since I had no reason to
go back to that room other than to sleep tonight, I decided it should stay with me anyway.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Thanks for
showing me around,” I told Derek and followed Chan Min towards the
stairway.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
***</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I was dreading this
conversation the whole way down the stairs and I honestly didn’t
know how Chan Min would take it. If I’d had any other choice, I
would never have asked for money at all but my father had left me
with nothing and I’d already used most of what I had on the
necessities I’d bought earlier. We reached the common area which
had filled with a few more students but was still relatively empty.
Chan Min ushered me towards the quietest area of the lounge which
garnered us a few curious looks but everyone stayed away, thankfully.</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“What did you
want to ask me?” Chan Min asked once I sat down.</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“I know this is
going to sound bad but, I honestly have no other choice,” I
started. “The allowance that is given to the students in the
program, is—is there anyway I could get it now?”
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“What happened,
Lily?” Chan Min asked me quietly.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“What—what do
you mean,” I asked even though I knew what he was asking.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“What I mean is,
you don’t seem to have any of the items on the list of things you
could bring to the dorms, so what happened? Did you just not want to
take them on the bus?” He asked me gently.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“No,” I looked
down at my hands that kept twisting in my lap. “There was a
situation with my dad and—and I don’t have any of it.”
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
He was quiet for a few
moments before he responded, “Do you have clothes?”</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“No,” I thought
I couldn’t feel any more shame than I had yesterday but apparently
I was wrong. This spiraling descent into shame and embarrassment
seemed to be never-ending.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“So it’s safe
to assume since you’re asking me for money, that you have none,
right?”
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Yes,” I
admitted.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“You don’t have
your uniform for tomorrow, do you?”
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“No,” I felt
like someone had carved out my insides and left me hollow.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Do you want to
tell me what happened?” Chan Min asked me kindly but I certainly
didn’t want his kindness.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“No,” I
answered.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
He nodded as if he
expected that and when I looked up he didn’t seem angry. “Well,
let’s get going then.”
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
This took me by
surprise, “What?”
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“You can’t go
to school without the uniform and if I’m going to give you that
allowance, I need to stop by an ATM,” he stood up abruptly and
started towards the door. When I still hadn’t moved he turned back
around. “Are you not coming?”
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Yes,” I jolted
upright. “I’m coming.”
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
***</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i>Jong Hwa</i>…</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
My body felt stiff when
I woke up but that didn’t surprise me after the restless night I’d
had. It’d taken me hours to finally get to sleep and even then I
could barely get comfortable. When I finally admitted it was time to
wake up, I’d noticed that Ji Soo was no longer in the bedroom.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I got up and made my
way towards the kitchen but the voices had me stopping in my tracks.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“'Take care', what does that mean? Is that a good bye?” Mae Ri asked tearfully from the
kitchen.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“I don’t know,”
Ji Soo said quietly. “Have you tried calling her?”
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Her phone is
disconnected,” Mae Ri said.</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
This last bit of news
had me running into the kitchen. Ji Soo and Mae Ri jumped back in
surprise; Mae Ri had a slip of paper in her hand that she tried
unsuccessfully to hide behind her back.</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“What is that,”
I demanded.</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Jong Hwa,” Ji
Soo tried to distract me.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“No, what is
that,” I demanded again and held my hand out for Mae Ri to give it
to me.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Mae Ri,” Ji
Soo nodded towards my hand to indicate she should give me the paper
and she did after a moments hesitation.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I read it twice and it
still didn’t make sense. Was Lily really saying good bye? “Where’s
Lily?”
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“I called Dad
at the clinic, he said he’d taken Lily to the dorms this morning to
meet someone,” Ji Soo told me.</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“She wasn’t
suppose to meet him until this afternoon, why did she leave so early
or wake any of us up?”
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“I don’t know,”
Ji Soo said and clamped a hand down on my shoulder. “But I think
maybe its best that she went alone. She needs time to think about
things.”
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“No, she
shouldn’t be alone, she should—“</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Jong Hwa, listen
to me. She’s fine,” he said. “She’s probably embarrassed,
she’s tired, and she needs time so let her have her time.”
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Ji Soo’s
right, Jong Hwa,” Mae Ri spoke up.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“You said her
phone was disconnected,” I remembered.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Well I can’t
be sure but it doesn’t bring me to voicemail any more like it used
too,” Mae Ri informed me and dialed Lily’s number and put it on
speaker phone.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“The number you
are trying to reach is no longer available, please hang up and—“</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Mae Ri hung up the
phone and the room was quiet.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“You don’t
think her father would disconnect her phone do you,” I looked at
the two of them.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Her father shut
the door in her face and left her with no money, clothes or even her
toothbrush, I don’t think he’d have any problems disconnecting
her phone if it meant punishing her.” Ji Soo admitted.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“So what are we
going to do,” Mae Ri asked desperately.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I could feel Lily
slipping between my fingers and I didn’t know how to stop it.
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“We ride out the
storm,” Ji Soo said. “Isn’t that the saying? ‘Ride out the
storm’ and we help her in any way we can but first, we give her
space to figure things out. She’s safe, that’s all we can do for
now.”
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Not for the first time,
I was glad that Ji Soo was my friend because without him I’d be
going crazy right now looking for Lily. And to a certain extent, Ji
Soo was right. She had a place to live, she started school tomorrow,
she’d be taken care of long enough for the rest of us to figure out
what to do. In the meantime, I needed to calm myself down because
otherwise I’d be no help to Lily and right now, she needed all the
help she could get. </div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i>To Be Continued...</i></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
***</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
*<i>Joheun Achim</i>: Literal Terms - Joheun = Good, Achim = Morning so "Good Morning"</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
*<i>Geuroguna: </i>"I see"</div>
Aunniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15498782048239279549noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-945360422188709746.post-81243101353845930382014-03-07T13:25:00.003-08:002014-03-07T13:25:39.501-08:00Nae Chingu (My Friends) Chapter Thirteen<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><u>Nae Chingu (My Friends)</u></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><u>Chapter Thirteen</u></b></span></div>
<br />
<br />
<i>One Year Ago...</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Ji Soo...</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
The scores for the last quarter's exams had been posted and as usual a large crowd gathered around the posting board to check scores. I usually stood back from the group because I didn't need to look to know I did well. I never actually needed to check the posting for any other reason than to find out if I had done better than Jong Hwa. We were always the top of our class but we consistently battled for first place, not that we cared much. It just encouraged us to work hard for the next exam.<br />
<br />
"Ugh, I'm so tired of them getting first place," a girl said from within the crowd.<br />
<br />
"I know, its like they want us to look bad," someone responded.<br />
<br />
I knew they were talking about Jong Hwa and I. People complained about our scores so often that it no longer fazed me. If they wanted to be upset about Jong Hwa and I doing well then let them, I couldn't stop them and I sure wasn't going to stop doing well just to appease them so I just let it go.<br />
<br />
"You don't need help looking bad, you do just fine on your own," a voice I would recognize anywhere rang through the crowd and suddenly the low buzz of conversation died down almost immediately. "Why are you getting mad because you didn't do well? That isn't new," Mae Ri said to whoever had spoken.<br />
<br />
I raised my head to look at the crowd and the only way I could tell where Mae Ri was standing was because of her ridiculous "Hello Kitty" hair pins. I had teased her about them earlier because it was actually a small "Hello Kitty" standing on stop of a pin but she said she liked them because when she aligned them with her pony tails it looked like the little cat figurine was "surfing the waves of her mane" as she'd so adeptly explained.<br />
<br />
"They do it just to make the rest of us look bad," there was a round of anonymous people agreeing with the statement. "And they only get good grades because they have connections. We all know Jong Hwa's mom works on the school board." Another round of agreements.<br />
<br />
"They get good grades because they study hard," Mae Ri's said pointedly. "Harder than you or I do and they get the grades they deserve," she continued. "I think you're just jealous because you can't stand the fact that they're smarter than you."<br />
<br />
"And the only reason you're defending them is because you're friends with them," the girl said. "Word is, you're more than friends with them. I heard you're exchanging favors with Ji Soo to get him to help you study."<br />
<br />
"What did you say," Mae Ri asked in a low voice. Uh-oh, whenever her voice got low, it meant she was about to explode. As much as I was enjoying watching Mae Ri defend me and Jong Hwa's honor, I needed to step in before she hit this girl.<br />
<br />
"I hear that you guys spend a lot of time at Lily's house "studying"," The stupid girl emphasized the word studying so we all knew what was she was implying. I started fighting my way through the crowed to get to Mae Ri. "I would expect it from Lily because she's American but don't you have any pride?"<br />
<br />
Ok, time was up, I thought as I snatched the back of Mae Ri's backpack before she had time to lunge at the girl which was a good thing because not two seconds later Mae Ri was already straining against my grip to get at--Ok Min Joo. Ahh, it made sense now, she'd always been a sore loser.<br />
<br />
"Let go," Mae Ri said over her shoulder but I don't think she realized it was me. "Look here, you little--"<br />
<br />
"Mae Ri-ya," I cut her off before she could finish her sentence. She was persistent though so I gave one good tug and had her falling backwards into my arms so I could get a good grip on her and steer her away from a situation that would most likely end in her expulsion.<br />
<br />
The crowed dispersed enough that I could pull her away from Min Joo and forcibly steer her down the hallway but Mae Ri kept shouting over shoulder as we walked away.<br />
<br />
"Better watch your back, Ok Min Joo," Mae Ri shouted. "Just you wait!"<br />
<br />
"Ya, Mae Ri-ya," I winced because that last declaration had been said directly into my ear.<br />
<br />
"Oh, mianhae," she said and I could feel the anger slid out of her rigid shoulders so I loosened my grip.<br />
<br />
"Why do you rise the bait," I asked her when we'd gotten far enough away that I felt safe letting her go. "You're lucky I was there otherwise you'd be expelled by now and probably missing half of your hair."<br />
<br />
"I could take her," Mae Ri said defiantly, like she was shocked I would doubt her fighting skills.<br />
<br />
"I don't doubt that," I admitted and it was true. I'd lay money on Mae Ri any time.<br />
<br />
"She's needs to be taught a lesson," Mae Ri grumbled. "Talking about people behind their back like that."<br />
<br />
My stomach did a flip. "Don't let it bother you, she does it every time scores are released," I said, ignoring my stomach.<br />
<br />
"But it shouldn't be that way, just because you did better than the rest of us doesn't give her the right to be a bitch," Mae Ri said.<br />
<br />
"Don't swear," I said even though I agreed. "Besides, how did I do?" We needed to change the subject otherwise Mae Ri would just get more worked up about it and who knew if I'd be there to stop her the next time she came across Min Joo.<br />
<br />
She smiled, "You beat Jong Hwa this time around but only by four points so you better keep studying or he'll pass you again next quarter!" We stopped walking and she pointed her finger at me as if she was giving me a command.<br />
<br />
"Ye, Seonsaengnim*," I mocked and bowed to her.<br />
<br />
"Not funny," she said and smiled. I never noticed how pretty she was when she blushed, I mean, Mae Ri was obviously pretty but I'd never noticed or cared until now.<br />
<br />
"What did you rank," I had to stop looking at her or she'd notice I was staring.<br />
<br />
"Fifth," she said in a pouting voice.<br />
<br />
"That's pretty good," I said encouragingly.<br />
<br />
"Lily got fourth," she added begrudgingly. Ahh, she'd lost to Lily this time.<br />
<br />
"Guess we'll have to keep up those "study" sessions," I said and jogged the rest of the way to my classroom to avoid getting hit by Mae Ri.<br />
<br />
That was the first time I noticed Mae Ri had become more than a friend. From that point on, I made sure I kept an eye on her so she wouldn't get into trouble because I couldn't think of anything worse than not seeing Mae Ri every day at school. Of course, what had I really known about "worse things" at that time? Nothing. I had known nothing.<br />
<br />
***<br />
<br />
<i>Present Day...</i><br />
<br />
<i>Ji Soo...</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
I left my dad's office with a whole new outlook on my friend Lily. As soon as she woke up, he was going to start her on the pills, I just hoped they kicked in fast. I walked into the living room and found Mae Ri sitting at the end of the couch looking out the window.<br />
<br />
"Mae Ri-ya," I called for her quietly since I was fairly sure Jong Hwa and Lily were still sleeping. She looked over at me with sad eyes and it hit me-I'd been so worried about Jong Hwa that I never even thought about the toll this was taking on Mae Ri.<br />
<br />
"Ji Soo," her voice was quiet. My usually loud and obnoxious Mae Ri was actually being quiet for once and it didn't sit well with me.<br />
<br />
"Ya," I gestured for her to get up. "Make yourself useful and come help me."<br />
<br />
"Help you with what," she asked but stood up anyway. None of us had changed out of the clothes we'd been in yesterday which meant Mae Ri was still wearing her school uniform and I felt bad for not noticing earlier. Her normally stylish accessories didn't seem as bright today and the pony tails she'd had yesterday had at some point become one ponytail that as swept into a disheveled looking bun.<br />
<br />
"Stay here," I walked off to my bedroom and quietly opened the door only to find that Jong Hwa wasn't inside anyway. I glanced at the door at the end of the hallway and sighed. He must not have been able to sleep, well that was his choice. I rummaged through my dresser until I found a t-shirt and some sweat pants that would most likely make Mae Ri look frumpier than she already did but it would serve it's purpose.<br />
<br />
I walked back to the living room and tossed them in her direction and she caught them,"Go change." When she just continued to stare at me cluelessly, I smiled. "Go changed, we're gonna make breakfast for everyone and I don't think you want to stain your uniform."<br />
<br />
"We're making breakfast," she asked me but headed towards my bedroom anyway. Very rarely did Mae Ri take orders and the fact that she was now told me just how out of sorts this whole situation had made all of us.<br />
<br />
"I don't know about you but I'm hungry and I'm sure everyone else is too. It's better to be helpful than helpless, don't you think?" I knew she must be feeling the same helplessness that I was feeling so I figured we could be helpless together.<br />
<br />
"Yes," she finally smiled her usually bright smile and my heart skipped a beat. "I'm going to go change."<br />
<br />
"Do that," I said and watched her slip into my bedroom to change.<br />
<br />
She still looked beautiful, frumpy clothes and all, when she came back and I had to tell myself to breath.<br />
<br />
"What're we making," she asked as we both headed in the direction of the kitchen.<br />
<br />
"No idea," I admitted. I had no idea what was in the kitchen to make and I certainly didn't know how to cook very well.<br />
<br />
"I guess we'll have to make it work," she said confidently as she opened the refrigerator door.<br />
<br />
And we did.<br />
<br />
***<br />
<br />
<i>Lily...</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
I don't know how long I stayed in the bathroom but by the time I got out Ji Soo and Mae Ri were in the kitchen making breakfast. Since Jong Hwa wasn't with them I assumed he was still in the bedroom, possibly waiting for me to come back. Rather than go back to the room and confront Jong Hwa I sat at the kitchen table and just watched Ji Soo and Mae Ri cook. Their backs were to me as they were looking into a pot on the stove and discussing the consistency of whatever they were cooking. I knew neither of them could cook which meant whatever they were cooking was going to come out terrible if they didn't get help. I got up and stood behind them looking over their shoulders.<br />
<br />
"It's suppose to be thicker," Mae Ri said. "At least I think my mom's is," she ladled up some of the watery liquid.<br />
<br />
"What're you making," I asked.<br />
<br />
"Kkamjjakiya," they both said in unison as they jump away from me.<br />
<br />
"Mian," I apologized and stepped back.<br />
<br />
"Lily," Mae Ri shrieked and hugged me. I had the same reaction as earlier, I hesitated as she wrapped her arms around me. I squeezed my eyes shut and repressed the urge to push her away. She was my friend, I told myself. I did hug her back but with considerably less enthusiasm than she was hugging me.<br />
<br />
"Mae Ri-ya," I did finally pull her back but I did so as gently as I could.<br />
<br />
"Lily how are you feeling, are you ok," she started looking me up and down as if I'd have a gaping wound somewhere she could check. The only gaping wound was the one in my heart, I thought miserably.<br />
<br />
"I'm ok," I said and tried to smile. "I'm ok," I repeated as if to convince not only her but myself as well.<br />
<br />
"I was so worried," Mae Ri's eyes started to water. Uh-oh...<br />
<br />
"Aniyo, hajima, hajima," I pointed my finger in her face which she looked at and her eyes went cross-eyed trying to see it. "No more crying, you cry and I'll cry and we're not doing that."<br />
<br />
"Geurae," she sniffled but was able to keep her eyes relatively dry.<br />
<br />
"Where's Jong Hwa," Ji Soo asked and it was the first time I looked at him. He had on no accessories, that was my first thought. No earrings or necklace, I looked down at his hands and they too, were accessory free. Man, Ji Soo must be really feeling out of sorts, I thought. His hair was pulled back in a ponytail, not that it was long enough to even have a "tail" but there you go.<br />
<br />
"We had--" No I wasn't going to tell Ji Soo what happened. Jong Hwa would do that for me anyway. "I think he's still in the guest bedroom." I looked away so I didn't have to see Ji Soo's accusatory eyes. I'd hurt Jong Hwa and Ji Soo was bound to take his side, as he should, I told myself. They were friends way before I came into the picture and it was only right.<br />
<br />
"Go check on him," Mae Ri said to Ji Soo and he didn't need to be told twice before he was gone from the kitchen.<br />
<br />
I wanted to run, the need was so strong that I almost took a step towards the front door. I gripped my hands together and forced myself to stand still. I was making things worse for everyone and I should just leave them alone but I had nowhere to go. I couldn't even move into the dorms until tomorrow. I had nowhere--<br />
<br />
"Lily," Mae Ri's voice broke through my inner thoughts.<br />
<br />
"Hmm," I looked at her and attempted to relax my grip on my hands.<br />
<br />
"I asked if you wanted to help me cook breakfast," she said. She looked unsure of herself which was a new experience. Mae Ri was also confident, or at least she'd always been with me.<br />
<br />
"Sure," I nodded and smiled at her despite my anxiety. Cooking calmed me, I knew that, and it was exactly what I needed. "What're we making," I asked.<br />
<br />
"Ji Soo said we should make chicken porridge," she said and put the soup ladle back in the pot to stir.<br />
<br />
"Have you started the rice," I asked her and looked around the kitchen.<br />
<br />
"Umm," Mae Ri looked around too, probably hoping that maybe Ji Soo had done it.<br />
<br />
I laughed at her expression and it felt good. Mae Ri relaxed enough to chuckle too.<br />
<br />
"Ok, let's pull out two cups of rice," I took the ladle from her and took stock of the soup itself. They'd at least started boiling the chicken in water but hadn't added anything else to the water.<br />
<br />
In a matter of ten minutes, I'd had the food preparation back on track and I personally felt better. Dr. Lee came in after that and asked me to see him in his office. I left a few instructions with Mae Ri for the food and followed Dr. Lee into his office.<br />
<br />
"Here are the antidepressants," he said and handed me a bottle. "Take one with breakfast and," he looked at me. "Well, you know the drill." His attempt at being humorous fell flat but I gave him a smile anyway.<br />
<br />
"Dr. Lee," I started to say something but he groaned.<br />
<br />
"Please call me Abeonim, I don't want to feel like a doctor in my own home," he said.<br />
<br />
I refrained from looking around his home <i>office</i> but I don't think the reality was lost on either of us. In fact, he laughed at my obvious attempt of staying quiet.<br />
<br />
"You know, Lily," his voice took on a serious note and he looked at me closely. "What your father did was terrible and it was wrong."<br />
<br />
Once again, I had to fight the urge to run.<br />
<br />
"I just want you to know that. I also wanted to tell you that you always have a place to stay here, you are always welcome," he put his hands in his pockets and looked around his office. "I know you would probably feel more comfortable at Mae Ri's or even Jong Hwa's house but I just wanted to make sure you knew you had a place here too."<br />
<br />
I nodded, eager to get out of the room that was starting to become too stuffy.<br />
<br />
He sighed, "I hear you're suppose to move into a dormitory tomorrow," he said. I nodded. "What time, I can take you over there," he offered.<br />
<br />
"No, it's okay. I can take a bus," I said. Last thing I needed was to burden myself to Dr. Lee.<br />
<br />
"I insist," Dr. Lee said in a tone that meant no arguments and Korean etiquette had me silently accepting his offer even though I had no desire to take it.<br />
<br />
"Ne," I nodded.<br />
<br />
"Okay," he gave me a concerned look but didn't say anything else before waving me out of the room. I bowed to him respectfully and all but fled the tiny office.<br />
<br />
It was another hour before the food was finished cooking. Mae Ri and I spooned the chicken and rice porridge into bowls and placed them on the table and then came the side dishes--which Mae Ri had actually done herself. She'd boasted saying she was an expert at making the side dishes because she did it all the time at home, she just never made the actual meal. I teased her about learning her future wifely duties and the bantering that ensued felt just like our normal selves.<br />
<br />
"You grab the boys and I'll get Abeonim," Mae Ri said and immediately headed towards Dr. Lee's office.<br />
<br />
A shadow passed over my good mood as I walked towards the back bedroom. What would Jong Hwa be like? Would he push me away and not want to be my friend after the harsh things I'd said to him earlier? Isn't that what you want? No...Yes...ugh, I didn't know. I knocked gently on the door and pushed it open.<br />
<br />
Ji Soo and Jong Hwa were lying on the bed together except Ji Soo was laying on his back and Jong Hwa was on his side facing the window--looking away from me. Ji Soo saw me walk in and instantly threw a finger in front of his lips and figuratively "shushed" me. Jong Hwa must have been asleep, thankfully, he'd looked terrible earlier.<br />
<br />
Ji Soo slowly got up from the bed and tiptoed his way to the door. We backed up and shut the door quietly so as not to wake up Jong Hwa. "How-how is he?" I asked but I wasn't entirely sure I wanted the answer.<br />
<br />
"Why don't you ask him when he wakes up," Ji Soo said in a kind voice but I still felt like I was hit with cold water.<br />
<br />
I followed behind Ji Soo as he walked back towards the kitchen. Mae Ri and Dr. Lee were both sitting at the table and talking about something excitedly.<br />
<br />
"But then I thought why not make them twins and he could fall in love with both the bad and the--" Mae Ri turned as we came into the room. "Where's Jong Hwa?"<br />
<br />
"He's sleeping," Ji Soo pulled out the chair across the way from Mae Ri which left me no other place to sit but either across from Dr. Lee or next to him. I chose the former. "This looks good," he said while looking at the food.<br />
<br />
"I just put together the side dishes, Lily made everything else," Mae Ri chimed in and pushed the kimchi dish towards Ji Soo who took a piece eagerly.<br />
<br />
"Hmm, baegopa*," he said and dug into his porridge.<br />
<br />
"Meogeojuseyo*," I nodded my head at Dr. Lee and waited to pick up my spoon until after he picked up his. Mae Ri had already started eating.<br />
<br />
"So what were you guys talking about," Ji Soo asked while looking between his father and Mae Ri.<br />
<br />
"My screenplay," Mae Ri said excitedly between bites.<br />
<br />
"Which one is this now," Ji Soo asked like he truly cared.<br />
<br />
As Mae Ri talked about the current mini-drama she was writing, I picked at my food. I was hungry, I knew I was hungry but I also knew that my stomach was in so many knots that the idea of food only made me more queasy.<br />
<br />
"I'm going to bring Jong Hwa a bowl so he has something to eat when he wakes up," I announced timidly. All their heads turned in my direction and I wished I hadn't said anything at all.<br />
<br />
"Ok," Ji Soo said after a moment. "Here," he used his chopsticks to put some bean sprouts on top of the porridge. "He likes these," was all he said.<br />
<br />
I nodded and took the bowl towards the back bedroom where Jong Hwa was sleeping. I wondered if they could tell I just wanted to be alone. Or rather, that I just wanted to be with Jong Hwa.<br />
<br />
***<br />
<br />
<i>Jong Hwa...</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
I'd been awake for about ten minutes when the door quietly opened. Thinking it was Ji Soo again checking in on me I didn't even bother opening my eyes. I needed time to think about the things he'd told me about Lily's history before I confronted Lily herself and I wasn't really looking forward to company. Looking back on our argument this morning, it made perfect sense why Lily had seemed so confused, even her cold words made sense in retrospect. Even understanding what was going on I still had no idea how to help her other than to not allow her to push me away but at what expense? I just knew one thing; Lily could push me away all she wanted but I'd never leave her by herself. After what her father and mother did, it was what she expected me to do and I wouldn't do it.<br />
<br />
I almost jerked upright when I felt something cool touch my hand but instead I stayed still and silent. I knew without even opening my eyes that it was Lily. No one else would touch me while I was "sleeping" and under normal circumstances, neither would Lily.<br />
<br />
From the sound of her movements, I could hear her settle herself on the floor all the while holding my hand loosely in hers. I wanted so badly to open my eyes and look at her but figured if I did that, she'd run from the room faster than I'd have a chance to even see her face so I stayed silent.<br />
<br />
"Joesonghaeyo*," she whispered. She leaned forward and rested her forehead on the back of my hand and it almost killed me not to move. I don't know why she was apologizing but I wanted to tell her whatever it was, it didn't matter.<br />
<br />
I would have stayed still for the rest of my life if I thought that it would help her but unfortunately the moment was over almost as soon as it began but it was all the encouragement I needed to build my resolve. I would bring Lily back to herself no matter what it took.<br />
<br />
<i>To Be Continued...</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>~~~</i><br />
<i>*Seonsaengnim</i>: "Teacher"<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>*Baegopa:</i> "I'm Hungry"<br />
<br />
*<i>Meogeojuseyo </i>"Meogeo" means "Eat' and "Juseyo" is tacked on to infer the word "Please"<br />
<br />
*<i>Joesonghaeyo: </i>The formal version of "Mianhaeyo" but it means "I"m Sorry" with implied importanceAunniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15498782048239279549noreply@blogger.com1