Nae Chingu (My Friends) Chapter Twenty

Nae Chingu (My Friends)

Chapter Twenty

   “Oh my god,” I vaguely heard someone who sounded an awful lot like Ji Soo say. I felt like the voice was coming from far away but with every passing moment consciousness was becoming a real thing. “None of this is okay,” I heard the dim voice again. “She doesn’t get privacy any more.”

Why were people being so loud, couldn’t they tell I was sleeping? I had work in the morning. Why would Emily let people in the room when I was sleeping? Because she was a cold stone—wait, I had a vision of a mop and bucket flying into the air? Well that was weir—and just like that, everything that happened came back in a flash. I’d been walking down the stairs at work when I’d tripped…had I tripped? I don’t remember tripping, I thought as I fought hard to remember the events that had taken place before I’d completely blacked out.

I had gotten dizzy and lost my footing. I hadn’t let go of the mop and bucket of dirty water until it was too late to catch myself and I cracked the side of my face on the floor. As if on queue, I was able remember what had happened. I could feel all the aches and pains in my body, most of which was centered on the right side of my face.

It was at this point I could hear everything happening in the room with clarity, “Is that money?” Was that Dr. Lee? Ok, I definitely needed to open my eyes now, I told myself even though my body was slow in responding to my demands.

I had a terrifying moment of thinking maybe I had lost my eyesight but a sliver of light appeared through the small slit of my eyelid and I knew how ridiculous I was being. After struggling to just open my eyes, what I saw had not been what I was expecting.

The first thing I noticed was an upright body sitting next to me and even with his head turned away from me, I knew it was Jong Hwa. He was holding my hand although I could barely feel it, I tried to squeeze his hand to get his attention but just as with my eyelids, it was a struggle just to get my arm to twitch. Behind him stood Ji Soo and Dr. Lee who were looking very interested in something I couldn’t see.

“Let me see,” Jong Hwa said as if he’d heard my silent plea and I watched in horror as Ji Soo turned around holding the emergency funds I’d put into baggies. They must have been going through my backpack.

I tried to get their attention by lifting my arm but I could barely twitch a finger so I quickly abandoned that attempt and tried my voice next. It hurt to even suck in air through my mouth, no less trying to force air out to speak words but I finally managed on my third try. I think watching Ji Soo start to open one of the bags gave me the motivation to make speech patterns although it sounded pretty jumbled to my own ears.

“Please don’t touch my money,” I think I said. They must have heard me because everyone’s eyes turned towards me and if I could have, I would have cringed back into the bed with the stares everyone pinned on me.

“Lily,” Jong Hwa was the first to recover and he squeezed my hand tightly before gently patting my hair back from my face. “Oh thank you,” he said while he brought the hand he held to his forehead as if offering the thanks to me although I knew I hadn’t deserved his gratitude.

No one said anything else so I took the brief moment of silence to look at my surroundings. It was pretty clear from the tape and IV on the hand Jong Hwa was currently holding up within eyesight that I was in a hospital. If that wasn’t enough, the rather large beeping machine to my right was a dead give away.

“Lily, do you know where you are,” Dr. Lee stood up and came to stand next to the side of the bed.

I tried to nod but the very act had my body protesting in anger, at least I assumed, if the pain was anything to go by. So I cleared my throat as much as I could and hoarsely whispered the words, “A hospital?”

Dr. Lee nodded. “Do you know what happened,” he asked in the same calm voice he’d used with his last question.

“I fell,” I cleared my throat again. “I think I fell down the stairs,” I had to clear my throat again. It felt like I’d spent the last six months in the Sahara sucking in sand from the way my voice sounded and how dry my throat and mouth felt. “Water, please.”

“Ji Soo,” Dr. Lee said over his shoulder and without hesitation Ji Soo left the room to get me some water.

Jong Hwa was rubbing his thumb over my knuckles and it was distracting enough to have me looking at our conjoined hands.

“Does this hurt? Should I stop,” he asked, worry lacing his voice. This time I managed a shake of my head although it did make me wish my head would fall from my shoulders. He registered the head movement and kept trailing his thumb along in slow, gentle strokes.

“Lily are you in any pain,” Dr. Lee asked, bringing my attention back to the tall doctor.

“Yes,” I whispered and God was I ever. As more and more of my body came back online, the more pain I felt. I wanted to say that I was in a lot of pain but I stuck to the easier monosyllabic words I’d been using.

Ji Soo returned carrying a pitcher of water with the doctor close on his heels.

“’Ello, Ril-li,” the doctor said in incredibly broken English as he approached the bed. “My nae-ma iz—“

“She speaks Korean,” Jong Hwa cut the doctor off rudely and informed him.

I blinked quickly to make sure it had actually been Jong Hwa who’d spoken. Jong Hwa was normally never that rude, especially to an elder but it had definitely been him who’d just cut off the older doctor.

There was an awkward silence following Jong Hwa’s declaration. Dr. Lee raised his hand and rested it gentle on Jong Hwa's shoulder; whether it was a warning or an act of reassurance, I wasn't sure. The doctor cleared his throat and began once again in Korean this time. “My name is Dr. Choi. Do you know where you are?”

If I’d had the energy to sigh, I swear I would have. Instead, I gathered my reserves and prepared myself to give the same answers to the questions Dr. Lee had just asked me.

After a few minutes of questions, he finally pulled out his stethoscope and checked my vitals. “Well, your vitals seem to be normal however your labs show that you are depleted of all your core essentials,” he said.

I looked to Dr. Lee for translation but it was Jong Hwa who spoke up in English, I guess he remembered that my Korean language skills didn’t really cover medical jargon. “He’s saying the things your body needs to keep running are gone, vitamins, things like that.”

I nodded and winced at the movement.

“I will have a nurse come in and administer some pain medication, once we’ve gotten some more fluids into you, I’m going to have someone from the psychological department come down to just see where you are at,” the doctor said in a kind voice, like he was talking to a wounded animal.

“Did I-“ I cleared my throat. “Did I hurt my brain,” I asked.

“Your scans show no indication of brain damage,” the doctor smiled nicely.

“Then why-“ I cleared my throat but this time Dr. Lee lifted a cup with a straw to my mouth so I could drink. I would have hugged him if I’d been able to lift my arms more than an inch off the bed. God, it hurt to move. “Why do I need a-a,” I struggled to think of the word but obviously my brain wasn’t working so fast. It was Jong Hwa who finally finished my question.

“Why does she need a neurologist,” Jong Hwa asked and I nodded in confirmation.

“No, not a neurologist,” the doctor said, at first to Jong Hwa but then changed directions and spoke to me directly. “A psychologist,” he reiterated.

“Why,” Jong Hwa asked for me.

“To evaluate her mental status,” he said. I had been taking a drink from the cup Dr. Lee offered me again when he said this and I choked on the water I’d tried to swallow.  If I hadn't been so worried about what the doctor had said, I would have cared about all the water I'd just sputtered down my chin and onto the top of my hospital gown.

    "My mental status," I asked and for the first time since waking up, I didn't feel any pain. It was like my mind completely shut down the rest of my body. "There's nothing wrong with my mental status."

    "It's standard procedure for someone with Anorexia Nervosa," the doctor told me as if I hadn't said anything. "Anyone presenting with this particular disorder needs to be evaluated by the psychology department."

    "What," I looked at Jong Hwa and then back at the doctor. "I'm not anorexic," the look on the doctor's face clearly told me he didn't believe me. "I swear I'm not--" and I stopped. I'm sure everyone with Anorexia Nervosa said they weren't. "Look, give me food right now, I'll eat it in front of you, whatever you give me I'll eat."

    "Doctor, could I see you outside," Dr. Lee asked. The Dr. Choi nodded and walked with Dr. Lee out of the room.

    "I'm not anorexic," I said to the room in general.

    "Lily, it's okay if--"

I cut Jong Hwa off, "I'm not anorexic, Jong Hwa. You have to believe me," I tried to convince him with what little voice I had. What happened to the nurse bringing  me pain meds. Although my body barely registered the pain in light of this new revelation, I could still feel the echo of pain that had been there when I woke up.

    "Lily, what's been going on," Jong Hwa asked me in the same kind of voice the doctor had used. Like I was some wounded animal that everyone was afraid of. I think I could handle it better coming from the doctor, because he didn't know me, but I couldn't handle that voice from Jong Hwa. It made me feel weak and I wasn't weak.

    "Don't speak to me like that," I said to Jong Hwa and tried to take my hand out of his but in an instant, his hand became a steal vise as it closed around my palm and refused to let loose it's grip.

    "Like what," he asked.

    "Like I'm some child that needs taking care of," I said, still attempting to tug my hand out of his. I didn't have much strength to actually use my arm to it's full capacity but I wasn't sure if I would have been able to remove my hands even if I'd had full use of my appendages. "I've been doing just fine on my own and having you sit there and treat me like a naive child--"

Ji Soo's abrupt laugh cut off the rest of my sentence. He had taken a seat and was now rubbing his face with both his hands. His laughter was only somewhat muffled by his hands but clear enough that I knew he was laughing sarcastically. "Now I know you need to get your head checked."

    "Ji Soo," Jong Hwa attempted to admonish but I suddenly felt like fighting. I wasn't sure if that was because I felt so helpless sitting here and basically immobile in this bed or because Ji Soo was the only one to not treat me like a baby.

    "No, Jong Hwa, let him say what he needs to say," I said, my words were thrown out like a challenge. "What did you want to say, Ji Soo?"

    "Oh, Lily, there's so much, I don't know where to begin," he laughed again, but not like he was actually enjoying this. More like he was spoiling for a fight as well.

    "Well, you obviously have something to say so say it," I said.

    "Fine. You are a coward," he spat out. All semblance of humor was gone. He looked me directly in the eye and said it and if I could have, I would have cringed away from the words. "You pretend to be strong and yet here we are, in a hospital that you yourself basically signed into."

    "I don't know what you are talking about," I said defensively.

    "Of course you don't because you are absolutely blind to everything around you right now," Ji Soo said. "You somehow convinced yourself that you don't need anyone and you've shut the rest of us out."

    "I never--"

    "Oh you knew what you were doing when you were doing it," Ji Soo exclaimed loudly. "You basically avoided us as much as possible. Even Mae Ri; you both used to be damn near inseparable but now look at you two," he flung his arm out as if to make his point. "Has it even occurred to you that she's not here?"

I didn't want to admit it out loud but no, it hadn't occurred to me. I'd been so focused on Jong Hwa and then the doctor that I had barely registered anything else.

    "Didn't think so," Ji Soo said after reading my face. "You are so scared. You are terrified and you're trying to cover it up with-with-with whatever you've been doing these last few weeks, trying to prove yourself to the world but now, look at you." He actually tsked at me. "Is this why you worked so hard to stay in Korea? If it is, then it was a waste of your time and of Jong Hwa's. If this is the best you can do, then you might as well go home."

    "Ji Soo," Jong Hwa said sharply and he stood up abruptly. He turned towards Ji Soo who'd also stood up. I didn't know what to expect except from the looks of it, it looked like they might have actually thrown punches at each other. "That's enough."

    "I'm not saying anything you haven't already thought about but fine, comfort her if that's what you think she needs. Me? I think she needs a reality check," Ji Soo tossed out before turning on his heel and walking out the door.

 ***

 Ji Soo...

I shut the door behind me, leaned against it and just breathed. I couldn't shake the feeling that what Lily needed wasn't comfort. I mean, we had all been comforting Lily since the moment her father left and it obviously wasn't working. With everything that had been found out this morning, I couldn't help but get more and more angry as each new revelation but the final straw had been watching Jong Hwa comfort her.

It was in Jong Hwa's nature to care for others and I understood that but hadn't we let Lily wallow long enough? Of course, she wouldn't think she'd been wallowing but quite honestly, I wasn't sure what she'd been thinking to begin with. None of us had, apparently otherwise we wouldn't have been so shocked. The more and more I thought it though the more I felt like I was right, she needed a reality check.

How she was going to get it, I didn't know but I couldn't go back into that room without either controlling my anger or coming up with a solution. Just what the hell did Lily need?

    "Giving them some privacy," Abeoji asked me as he came back down the hallway.

    "No, I just couldn't sit there and watch them," the more I thought about it the more infuriated I got about the whole situation. I gripped the back of my neck to help ease some of the tension but it didn't really help. "No good will come from me sitting in that room and watching him coddle her."

    "Jong Hwa is only doing what he knows how to do; take care of her," Abeoji said and sat down in one of the chairs that lined the hallway. He patted the seat next to him and since I had nothing else better to do, I sat down. "I know it's frustrating; not being able to help when you want to is one of the hardest part of being a doctor. If this is the field you want to go into, it's best now if you get used to it."

    "But she's my friend,' I said like that made all he difference in the world. Like I was suppose to be able to help her more because of our friendship. It seemed underneath it all, friends or no friends, you never truly understood another person.

    "That's what makes it harder, not easier," Abeoji sighed and leaned back. "You know, when your mom died, it was the most angriest I've ever been. I knew theoretically how to help her but none of the medicines were helping. I had to sit back and watch her get sicker and sicker despite all the knowledge I had." Abeoji sat in silence for a few minutes while he worked through his thoughts.

We rarely ever spoke about mom, not because he didn't want to talk about her, I knew he did but because I was afraid that if he did start talking about her I'd feel, well, nothing. I had vague memories of her but nothing solid, nothing that felt like anything more than a dream I barely remembered. I wanted to pretend that my lack of emotion towards not having a mother was just because I didn't remember the love she had for me rather than a lack of compassion on my part. Because of that I'd always shied away from any stories Abeoji might have told me to avoid the guilt of being an unloving son towards a mom I could barely picture in my head. This, however, was the first time he spoke about her death.

I wondered if Jong Hwa was feeling how my father had felt all those years ago, having to sit around while you watch your loved one getting sicker and sicker. Then I thought about what had just took place and instead of anger, and frustration, I just felt sadness and guilt. I had probably just made things worse with my little tantrum. "Aish," I grumbled and slid farther into the chair.

    "I understand," my father gripped my knee and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "I understand."

***

Lily...

Following Ji Soo's departure, Jong Hwa sat back down and reached for my hand. "Don't worry about him, he's just worried about you, we all are," he said.

    "You say that but you're probably thinking the same thing he is, that I'm crazy," I said. I was still angry; I was angry at everything, my life, God, those damn stairs! If I had just let go of the bucket or mop sooner I could have caught myself and I wouldn't have ended up here.

    "I don't think you are crazy," Jong Hwa said easily. He idly traced patterns on the back of my hand and I found it distracting and maddening at the same time. I wanted someone to yell, to scream or do something I could take my own personal frustrations out on and I almost regretted having Ji Soo leave. Jong Hwa no longer sounded like he pitied me, in fact, a strange sense of calm had come over him after Ji Soo made his rather uneventful departure.

    "Then what are you thinking," I asked defensively. Gah, if he was smart he'd just leave but I couldn't bring myself to tell him to go.

    "I'm thinking he's right," Jong Hwa said in the same, easy tones as before.

    "He's...right," I repeated in shock. I was hurt, it was ridiculously unfair of me but I could feel all the anger I had inside of me, all the frustration and sadness that had just been swirling around me for the past few weeks finally found an escape route and it just happened to be Jong Hwa. "You think I'm a coward? Is that really what you think of me? Well I guess I'm glad the truth finally came out."

I tried to pull my hand away but just like before, he had my hand in a vise-like grip and showed no signs of letting go. "Let go of me," I said dangerously quiet at first.

    "No," he said simply.

    "Let go of me, Jong Hwa," I said again but a little louder this time. "Let go of me and get out," is what I said out loud except the irrational part of me wanted him to ignore me.

    "I'm not going anywhere," he said. His other hand which had been supporting his body on the bed now cupped the other side so my hand was held between both of his.

The movement made my insides clench the familiar feeling of a panic attack was slowly rising into my chest. "Let go of me," I couldn't shake the panic and it gave me a surprising boost in strength. It was, quite literally, fight versus flight, the only problem was I wanted to go in both directions. I yanked my hand out of his and I think I caught him by surprise. "Get out," I said again.

    "No," he reached for my hand again and caught it even though I was trying to push his hands away. I used my other hand to pull myself up higher on the bed so I could get the momentum I needed to push him away. "Lily stop," he said in the same calm voice and it was starting to grate on my nerves.

    "Get away from me, get out," I was like a wild animal with no rationale. I just wanted him gone so I could go back to doing what I had been doing before, surviving. I just needed to keep surviving and I couldn't do that if Jong Hwa was around. "Please, just leave me alone," I pushed at him harder and all he did was come closer and closer until our bodies were no more than a foot apart.

It had been hard to push him away when he was farther down the bed but now that he was so close, I couldn't get the leverage I needed to shove him back, not that I would have if I had the chance. I wanted Jong Hwa gone but I didn't want to hurt him, "Please just go." His proximity did nothing to help the panic that was very quickly threatening to take over, I could already feel the constriction of airflow to my lungs.

Faster than I could have imagined he pulled me up and encircled my shoulders with both of his arms and just held tightly. Time stopped, even my panic attack hit pause as I registered the movement and felt his warmth surround me. "I don't think you're crazy and I don't think you are a coward," he said fiercely into my ear, his earlier calm all but evaporated in that moment. "I do think you need a reality check," he finished.

He pulled back and cupped my face gently while looking directly into my eyes. My usually easy-going Jong Hwa looked anything but as he said the next few words, "So here's reality: I'm not leaving. I'm not ever going to leave, do you understand?" He didn't wait for me to say anything before he continued. "I'm here, Lily. I'm here."

It was like he hit an off switch in my head; I stopped fighting him and just sat there and looked into his eyes.

    "I'm here," he said once more just in case I hadn't heard the last two. "I'm here with you. If you struggle, I struggle. When you are in pain, I'm in pain. I'm not going anywhere so please," he voice cracked and I could see how shiny his eyes had become. "Please stop trying to push me away."

Whatever shaky pillar that had been holding me up these last few weeks crumbled and I just fell into his arms and true to his words, like always, Jong Hwa was there to catch me. He held me tightly as I sobbed out all of my pain and anger and frustration until I had almost nothing left and I was more tired than even before. He supplied me with tissues until I felt like my face wasn't a watery, snotty mess and I could finally look him in the eyes again.

    "Do you want to lay down," he asked me kindly. "Are you still in pain?"

I thought about it and realized that although I was still stiff and sore in places, I wasn't in the excruciating pain I'd been in earlier which surprised me since I'd just wracked my body with sobs and should be feeling even worse but I wasn't. Adrenaline, maybe? I shook my head but laid back down on the bed. "I'm sorry," I said quietly. I didn't even know how to apologize for the last few weeks, and I couldn't even imagine how to begin to make up for all the stupid things I'd said and did.

    "Don't," Jong Hwa said as he lifted himself up enough to pull the covers to my chin. "When you're better, you'll pay me back."

    "I don't even know where to start," I admitted and reached for his hand, he grasped it and brought it to his lips. The move was so cheesy that I couldn't contain my chuckle.

    "I have ideas," He smiled sheepishly and looked down like he was embarrassed. This was my Jong Hwa, I thought. I missed him, it felt like I hadn't seen this side of Jong Hwa in a long time. Before my dad kicked me out, back when things were simple, maybe? Or, I thought, as simple as my life ever got.

    "Should I be worried," I asked.

    "No, it's just--," he shook his head and laughed at himself. "There are things I want to do with you, like date-type things." His face looked a little pink and he looked away from me.

    "I love you," I said. I said it mostly because I wanted to see his reaction and I wasn't disappointed. He looked up at me with surprise in his face. His mouth formed a small 'o' like he was surprised I'd said it at all. I also said it because I should have said it two weeks ago and hadn't. Heck, I should have said it two months ago and just couldn't work up the courage. Jong Hwa had taken all the steps and now it was my turn.

    "I love you, Jong Hwa," I said it again. "But I'm afraid to."

    "I know," he said.

    "I don't know how to move past the fear," I admitted. "If this," I gestured the space between us. "If this doesn't work, it will break me and I," I cleared me throat. "I don't ever want to feel this pain again."

    "Come here," he said. I was just about to push myself into a sitting position when he laid down next to me on his side and opened his arms. I hesitated for only a moment before I turned into him and let him put his arms around me. "I'll show you I'm not leaving, you'll just have to trust me until then."

And if there was anyone I trusted, it was Jong Hwa. I silently prayed that he never changed his mind before falling asleep in his arms.

***

Minnesota, United States...

I couldn't get a hold of my daughter. The last communication I'd had from her was almost two months ago. I'd even heard more recently from her father, an email he'd sent tell me that he was moving them back to the States. I'd sent Lily an email almost immediately but I hadn't gotten a reply. Not entirely unusual but then I sent another one and then finally a third, all without reply. Unsure of what was going on, I sent her a couple of text messages and then finally called her except her phone at been disconnected. Instead of being panicked, I'd taken it as a good sign--assuming she'd gotten a new, local number and just hadn't called me yet.

So I waited, and waited and now, nearly two weeks after they were suppose to have come home, I still hadn't heard a damn thing from either Greg or Lily. Enough was enough, I thought and that's how I found myself at Fort Ripley on a Friday afternoon asking for Greg.

    "May I ask who you are," the soldier behind the receptionist desk asked me in a polite voice.

    "His wife," I could barely keep my anger out of my voice. I couldn't believe it had come to this, I shouldn't have had to drive all the way here just to find out where my daughter was.

    "Ah," the man looked confused before picking up the phone and dialing Greg's number anyway. "Yeah, Sergeant Smith, your-ah-your wife is here to see you." The man smiled up at me before turning discreetly to the left and said in a slightly muffled voice. "She doesn't look happy." He jerked the phone away form his ear and just stared at it for a second before hanging up. "He-ah-said he'd be right up."

I was willing to bet money that was not the words he'd chosen but the result was the same, I figured. It was nearly thirty minutes before Greg came out to the front desk. I hadn't seen him in almost four years and the rush of emotions that swirled up inside of me was mixed, at best. It did nothing to help my anger however.

    "What the hell is going on," I said as soon as he got close enough.

    "Now, Diane, calm down," Greg said in a pseudo-calm voice.

    "Absolutely not," I pointed my finger in his face. "I have not heard from either you or Lily in weeks, no calls, no texts, nothing. What is going on," I repeated my question in my best 'no-bullshit' voice.

    "There was a bit of a situation, I'm attempting to handle it," Greg said and I felt all the anger flow out of me. This couldn't be good. I almost collapsed but Greg helped me to a nearby chair and I sat down.

    "Oh God, what happened," I asked, my thoughts only on Lily. "Is she depressed again? What's happened with my baby?"

    "It's nothing like that," he waved off my concerns and I felt instantly better.

    "Oh thank God," I sighed in relief. "Is she just angry? Why hasn't she texted me or called even?"

    "Now, Diane, don't get mad," Greg said which told me all I needed to know--whatever he said next was going to piss me off. "Lily is still in Korea."

    "What," I said in complete disbelief.

    "She didn't want to leave," Greg went on like I hadn't said anything. "She's found a program, I don't know. I wasn't really paying attention when I locked her out of the apartment, I was just so angry. I assumed she'd give in and meet me at the airport once she realized the kind of mistake she was making but then she didn't show up, and I had already paid for the plane ticket, her's too actually but they refunded--"

    "WHAT DID YOU DO," I screamed at him. Rage boiled inside of me and I found myself steady on my feet and in Greg's face.

Everyone that had been within a 50 foot radius stopped moving and just stared at us but I couldn't care less.

    "Diane," Greg foolishly admonished. "I told you not to get angry."

The fight that ensued would be one for the ages.

To Be Continued...