A penny's worth....

I have to go back and get another MRI. My head problems started almost a year ago--September will be the anniversary.

I wish I didn't hope it was cancer. This is the thought that floats around my head and it's terrifying. The cancer part isn't terrifying. It'd almost be a relief because then I'd know what was causing the fluid build up in my brain.

No, the terrifying part would be what would happen afterwards. Would my family worry about me? I'm not stupid enough to think that they wouldn't be worried or scared but would they show the same amount of worry--emotion, in general--that they show my sister?

You want to talk about sibling rivalry? I feel like I'm always at the bottom of the totem pole in my family and right at the top, the very highest position, is my sister in all her unsettling glory. It's been like that since the age of 13. Thirteen years later and I'm circling the same wrestling match against my sister and winner takes all. I'm usually the loser.

The first time I felt special in this family was last September when I was sick. I was in such pain that I could no longer hold it inside. My mom took care of me. She made me stay at her house just so she could take care of me. And when I finally discovered why I was sick, she looked so concerned for me that I felt like a horrible person for feeling good even while being sick. I made a lot of people worry and it felt good. I'm a despicable person for feeling that way, I know it.

My family expects me to be strong; I can't fall apart no matter what the occasion because well...I never have before. But I want to so bad that I can't seem to get my mind off of all the possible ways I could make my life a wreck. I want to smoke cigarettes in front of them just to appall them but I don't. Why? I don't want to disappoint them--and they will be disappointed. I just want to make them worry. I want to scare them into remembering that I'm a daughter too. I'm not a colleague, I'm not a friend, I'm their daughter.

The only thing holding me together is these medications and my husband. My husband has held me together for nearly 8 years but now I need support myself with medication. Now I just feel tired. I would never give up on life but I want to.

These just seem like a lot of crazy ramblings from a crazy person and I am a crazy person. I love who I am. I just wish I felt like I was worth what I know I am worth in my heart to my parents.

I was born to fix a marriage and to provide companionship for my older sister. Is that all I'm destined to be? I hope not.

-Aunnie