The Power of Letting Go

This is the first blog I'm posting about my life--Not that you still shouldn't read my fictional writing but this will be from my own personal life rather than my imagination! 

Growing up my father used to say to my sister and I "Let it go." This phrase usually followed an upsetting event which resulted in either my sister or I being angry. Of course, being a child, you can't just simply "let" something go. Children's feeling are delicate and not very many adults seem to understand how fragile a child's pride is. Instead, we learned to turn our emotions inward and harbored even harsher feelings than if we'd been able to wail and show our anger. The side effects, which I won't get into in this blog, became destructive for both my sister and I and as we grew older, we displayed our hurt pride in various ways that caused our parents much more grief and aggravation than I think either one of them deserved. However, when a person is in so much pain that they are blinded to their own needs, they tend to be blind to those around them--until much later and usually after countless bridges have been burned.

A person can live their whole life in this manner--those are the ones who just aren't good people. Not because they are mean or hurtful to others but because they see only themselves and aren't able to see the world as it really is. I've known a few people like this and I see what could have happened to me had I stayed on that path. It makes me sad and allows me to show more compassion to those who are usually shunned by others. It makes me more understanding of their actions and their thought processes despite possibly being unhealthy for myself. Through them, I find redemption for myself and the choices I made so many years ago. This does not make me a saint in anyway, Lord knows I have my own group of people I can't stand and I'm very vocal about it. However, I can't say this transformation I made is solely of my own doing. I've had help along the way from unexpected sources and one of those sources happens to be from my very own father. I never thought I would every repeat his words--I mean, what child every really thinks they're going to be like their parents? The phrase "let it go" has followed me into adulthood and has begun to make much more sense to me. I couldn't see it as a child, spout whatever you want about the psyche of a child but I couldn't "see" it then. As an adult, the phrase "let it go" has never seemed more clear. 

In order to become the person I am today, I've had to let many things go--some unwillingly--but I've come to discover that letting something go isn't the same as losing something. Losing implies that the owner intended to keep it, whatever that "it" is for any given individual. I had to get used to the idea that "letting" something go is the equivalent to the "give and take" that we experience as adults. You hear it, the "give and take", the "push and pull" or the "ups and downs" of life, these are just different versions to "letting it go". Or at least, this is what I've come to realize. Have I lost you yet? Well, in the hope of keeping your attention for just a few more moments, I'll give you an example:

You're mad. Doesn't really matter why you're mad, think of something........have you thought of it? Ok, good. So you're mad, and if you're like me, you want to say something or do something. I'm hurt, I'm mad and I don't like feeling this way so in order to make myself feel better, I'm going to attack someone or something just to ease what I'm feeling inside. Doesn't matter if the person I attack had anything to do with why I'm angry, I'm just going to do it. 

This was my thought process before I understood the power of "letting" something go. It would fester inside of me until it came exploding out. Of course, I had very valid reasons for behaving that way but that's neither here nor there at this point. My turning point was after I had the realization that I was about to lose the love of my life. As dramatic as that sounds, it is the truth. I had just broken up with my boyfriend for the second time with the understanding that this was it, we broke up and I was done. Or at least I was done until I realized I wasn't. Not even close...

It is moments such as these--maybe not as dramatic as mine--that a person has a rare opportunity to change, for better or worse is decided by the person making the decision. I had held all these pent up emotions from my past and they would come out in brief spurts until I just couldn't do it any more. I spent a few days staggering from all the emotions until I finally realized what I was doing! I was letting it go...all those memories, all the hurt and pain I had received from others throughout the years, all my self-destructive ways, it was leaving me and what was left was...me.  A new, emotionally lighter me that I could appreciate.

Fortunately for me, my boyfriend--husband now--wasn't done either and we were able to mend our particular bridge. I'm still quick to anger but the way I process that anger is much different. Anger can be as good of a thing as it can be bad. Anger is and always will be a motivator. Some of the best things come out of anger--beating cancer is one of them. Ever seen a mad cancer patient? They undoubtedly last longer than those that give in to their disease--trust me, I've had enough people live and die on me to know that.

Now it isn't so much as me "breathing in and out" which can help some people, for me it's a determined decision. Now, I ask myself "Is it worth fighting about?" If it's not worth fighting about then take your time to be angry but then "let it go". This can be done by simply allowing your anger to burn out by engaging in an activity you enjoy. Whether it's cleaning, knitting, or working out, just do it until you know longer feel like you're angry. Usually for me, it's music--SHINee (a kpop boy group) in particular. I can't seem to be angry and listen to SHINee at the same time. I'll sing, dance or otherwise just listen to their voices until I feel happy (or at least normal) and then process the upsetting event in an unemotional way. To me, this is the best solution. However there are other ways. Another way is just accepting that this happened and it can't unhappen and not allow it to affect you. Sounds so simple right...well it'll be hard at first but eventually, it becomes this simple. An example:

Not too long ago I had a slight disagreement with some friends and it just exploded. By the time it exploded, I hadn't realize the argument had reached such a height until it was too late to reel it in. When I did attempt to reel it in, my quick 180 caused the other person to 180 as well which turned out to be worse than continuing the argument. At first I could only think of self preservation by leaving the situation entirely but the more and more I removed myself from the situation the angrier I got. So angry that I held it against the innocent people present for not stopping it themselves! This situation took more than 3 days to dissipate my anger. I kept repeating to myself "Is it worth losing friends over....or not?" I had determined the argument wasn't worth losing two possibly four friends over so I knew I had to let it go but damn...it was incredibly difficult. I avoided them for awhile before I realized what I was doing. I was allowing my hurt feelings to ruin what is a great friendship and I said to myself, that's it. I've spent my time being angry and now I'm not going to do that any more. I met up with them, they had let it go, I had let it go and we've never spoken about it since.  

However, sometimes it's worth being angry about. If it is truly worth fighting about then yes, argue something out but in a productive way. Sometimes in the heat of the moment (or depending on the varying degrees of anger) a person needs to take five minutes to themselves. I know I do most times and I tell my husband "I just need a minute to be angry". Ever heard that Terri Clark song, "I Just wanna be mad"? That just about sums up the song I sing in my head when I'm livid. Grant yourself a few minutes to revel in your anger and then figure out how to productively use your anger. What is it that you want?

Most often, this process requires I sit my husband down and tell him point by point exactly why I'm angry. Once I've listed my reasons, it is at that point that I have to tell myself that I've done what I can to illustrate to that person why I'm angry. Once you've told someone why you're angry, there isn't any reason to be angry any more. There really isn't. What works for me is saying this out loud, because if it's said out loud, it's in the cosmos--the airwaves--the world, whatever terminology works for you. "Hubby, this is why I'm angry...yada yada yada, now I'm going to stop being angry and I'm going to let it go but please be conscious of this next time." More often then not, I'll nod my own head as confirmation to myself that I've decided to give up on my anger and this allows me to truly move on. It sounds foolish, but it's what works for me.

The final step of letting go is the hardest....truly the hardest. Now you need to go back to normal. I find this to be sometimes the most difficult at first but after awhile, it becomes second nature. I'm angry, I'm telling you why I'm angry, I'm letting my anger go and now what're we having for lunch.? That's an example, it could be anything: I'm letting my anger go and now I'm going to watch this movie. Or I'm letting my anger go, now what are we going to get your sister for her birthday? Things like this. It's the "moving past" stage that usually throws people for a loop because it's basically pulling a 180 or rather...a 90 because you don't want to go back to where you were but rather move in another direction completely. It's laughing when you don't really feel like laughing, it's engaging in conversation even when you just want to shut yourself in some place alone. Not allowing yourself to move on is only allowing yourself to harbor those feelings for longer and if you've truly let it go, then there is no reason to shut yourself in.

I wrote this blog because I had an upsetting situation come up with my sister today and luckily, we were both able to let it go fairly quickly and I was so relieved that my day instantly got better. I wanted to share our experience with others so that maybe...just maybe....the things we learned from our experience can help at least one person. That's something I can feel good about, even if it's only in my head. The power of hope is immeasurable and I'm hoping this will help someone...

Thank you for reading this....

-Aunnie

p.s. This Blog is brought to you by Vixx-- Kpop at it's best!

Nae Chingu (My Friends) Chapter Five

Nae Chingu (My Friends)

Chapter Five

Three Years Earlier...

Today was the day I joined the regular classrooms. If I was being honest with myself, I was terrified. Jong Hwa assured me I would be ok but lets be serious, what did he know? I was the only American at this school; being an outsider wasn't new to me. I had been to three other countries before Korea and I was always the odd one out but never had I stood out so...so...ethnically! With my naturally tan skin, which I inherited from my  mother's Native American side, I hadn't stood out too much in Spain. In fact, most Spaniards took me for being Spanish which resulted in many awkward conversations where I had to explain that I didn't actually speak Spanish. Even in Germany, my darker tone never really took anyone by surprise because there was a fair amount of people with darker complexions already there. Of course, Korea had their tourists of every shape and color but most Korean high school students didn't encounter other ethnicities within their walls very often--ok, almost never--so I would stick out like a sore thumb against their naturally pale skin. Even though I had already spent six months within their walls, I had been with other students that were new to Korea, mostly Chinese or Japanese which made me the only American but as a whole, we never mingled with the Korean students. It was like we were kept separate on purpose until we were ready.

I made my way through the halls until I reached room A-2136. I was late to class, I mean it was still the homeroom hour but the main office had me wait so the homeroom teacher could prepare the class for my arrival--like I was a disease they needed to be "prepared" for. This meant I would walk into class and all the students would have an opportunity to stare and speculate about me while the teacher introduced me. If I'd had a choice in the matter, I would have snuck into class before anyone got there and quietly sat in the back and prayed no one took any notice of me. But as my crappy luck would have it, I got to stand front and center, gah, just kill me now!

Because I had found my classroom faster than I wanted, I took another minute to myself to compose my stoic face before opening the door. Like anticipated, every head turned towards the door and stared at me. Choosing to ignore their curious looks, I faced the teacher and bowled while giving her my late slip from the office. Prior to merging with the rest of the school, I had met with the homeroom teacher and she was extremely nice. She had warned me, however, that she wouldn't treat me any different than the other students just because I was new--new, she had said. New, not foreign, which instantly made me like her because we both knew the truth of the situation

    "Annyeonghaseyo, Seonsaengnim," I bowed as a sign of respect.

    "Ah, our new student has arrived, " she wrapped her arm around my shoulders and gestured to the class. "Everyone, say hi to Ril-Li," She chirped. I had grown used to people pronouncing my name this way and I kind of liked the ring of it so I didn't bother correcting her.

There were a lot of "hello"s of varying enthusiasm that echoed around the room. I bowed to them as well and looked at no one in particular--mostly just the back of the room. God, was I sweating? I felt like I was sweating...

    "Why don't you tell us a little about yourself, I'm sure everyone is curious," she said, still smiling.

Yeah, I'm sure everyone was, I thought to myself. "Well, um, I moved to Korean eight months ago," I looked at the teacher to see if that was sufficient. Clearly it wasn't because she nodded and gestured for more. Crap... "My Korean isn't perfect so-so please don't take offense," I stopped talking abruptly. Maybe that would excuse me from having to say more.

    "We will help you as much as we can, won't we class?" The teacher said in what was suppose to be a reassuring tone but only made me feel more stupid. Again, there were various "ne"s from around the room before the class fell silent again. "Ok, why don't you go sit in the empty chair next to our class president and we'll get started. Class president, could you please stand up?"

I didn't really need the class president to stand up, I mean there was only one open chair and obviously it was mine, but as dutiful as a class president should be, he stood up. I nearly stumbled over a backpack in surprise as Jong Hwa stood up next to the empty desk. Before I could catch myself I said, "Jong Hwa-ya?" My surprise must have been what he was looking for because he laughed and nodded.

It was then that I finally took a deep breath and felt like maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all. At best, I figured I'd be able to see Jong Hwa during lunch time but to be in his actual classroom was nothing short of a miracle.

It turned out Jong Hwa's mother was on the school board and he insisted repeatedly that she should give me a spot in his class when I finally transitioned into the regular classes. When he told me that I realized that me getting into his classroom wasn't the miracle but that Jong Hwa himself was my miracle.

***

Present Day

I spent the weekend studying for the entrance exams for the program but considering I wasn't given any idea of what to expect, I didn't know what I should be studying for in particular. I did a little bit of everything; between practicing my math, writing--in hangeul and English--I went over economics and statistics as well, but only briefly. The night before I was to take the exams, my father brought up the subject of our move.

    "Hey, Lily, good news," he called down the hall while I made dinner in the kitchen. I had gone shopping with Mal Nyeon earlier that day and was fully stocked on food.

    "Yeah, Dad?" I answered as I checked the chicken in the oven.

    "You might want to start packing up your stuff, it looks like we'll be moving by the end of next week," he shouted happily.

I dropped the tongs I had been using to turn the chicken and clutched at my abdomen. I shouldn't have been surprised, I mean I knew it was coming but it just seemed so quick--again, it always did, I thought. I took a few deep breaths and reminded myself that I was going to get into the program and I wouldn't have to leave--at least I hoped I did.

    "Hey, you ok?" My father poked his head into the kitchen, he must have heard the clang of the tongs hitting the stove.

    "Oh  yeah, I just--ah--burned myself," I grabbed the tongs out of the stove and turned towards the sink so my father couldn't see my face.

    "You know, Lily,"he said quietly. "I know you don't want to leave here but it is truly for the best."

I knew at this point I had two options: I could state my opinion on how much his last statement was complete bull or I could just simply agree and avoid an argument altogether. I took a deep breath and went with option two.

    "If you say so," Ok so I said it with a little attitude but knowing my father, he wouldn't rise to the bait. As expected, he only sighed and left the room.

My father no longer knew what was best for me and it was about time I did what I wanted to do. I strengthened my resolve and took another deep breath. Tomorrow I would take my tests and see where I stood. I was getting into that program!

***

The day dragged on and only added to my anxiety over the exams. Mae Ri had tried to cheer me up over lunch but nothing really helped. Our usual routine was to meet Ji Soo outisde of the school and go to the convenient store--our usual hangout spot--but today I said my goodbyes right after class.

    "I'll see you guys later, I gotta head to the ESE," I said as I slipped my winter hat on my head.

    "Are you sure you don't want us to come with you, we could wait," Mae Ri said sympathetically. Jong Hwa nodded readily in agreement.

    "No, I think it would just make me nervous," I smiled at her. "Besides, I don't know how long it'll take and I don't want you guys wasting your time."

Mae Ri let it go at that and I promised to call her afterwards. It took another twenty minutes before I reached the ESE and by then my anxiety was ready to consume me. The time had come and after checking in at the front desk, it wasn't long before Chan Min came and ushered to me his cubicle. He handed me a pencil, answer sheet and a booklet. He told me there would be two tests: math and literacy.

    "Only two? I'm surprised," I said but I felt somewhat relieved.

    "Different countries teach different things and although you were mostly schooled here, we're giving you the standardized test which is primarily used for people schooled outside of Korea," He informed me.

    "Ah," I nodded, I guess that made sense. "So I just take the two tests and I'm done?"

    "No, there is an essay portion," he grabbed three more sheets of paper and handed them over to me. "You're required to write two pages but no more than three, so write efficiently."

    "Jinjja? Why didn't you tell me there was an essay portion before?" Suddenly, any relieved feelings I'd had at finding out there were only two tests was gone. I hated writing spontaneous essays, I was way to OCD about my writing to submit something without a long review process.

    "We don't tell any of the incoming candidates, we want to see what you come up with in the spur of the moment." He told me this with a reassuring smile that wasn't very reassuring. Again, I couldn't dispute the reasoning behind the abrupt essay requirement but I still didn't have to like it.

    "Does it have to be in Korean or can I write it in English," I asked. If I could write it in English, it would go a long way to sounding more professional.

    "Of course, however--" he trailed off, subtly rearranging papers on his desk.

    "However?"

    "It would put you above the rest of the candidates if you showed you already understood the basics of Korean, rather than us having to put you in a separate program to learn it like we do with most of our incoming students," he told me truthfully.

    "Ok, Korean it is," I smiled at him. I could tell he liked me, not in a romantic way, but in a platonic "I want to help you" way and I could definitely use all the help I could get. "What happens after the essay? Any more tests?"

    "After the essay is the interview," he said and I had to suppress a groan. I figured there would be an interview but I had hoped there wouldn't be. "But that won't be set up until after we've reviewed your tests scores and the essay. If you prove to be a strong candidate, we'll set up the interview which is normally done by phone but since you're already here in Korea, our Director agreed to meet with you in person."

    "Wonderful," I said. I attempted to sound cheerful but I think I failed because Chan Min chuckled.

    "Our Director is nice, I think you'll do fine but priority one is to pass the tests so take a deep breath and lets get you into a room," he clapped my shoulder reassuringly and brought me to a small soundproof room.

It took about an hour and a half to complete both tests. The literacy wasn't all that difficult but the math gave me a little worry. Math was never my strong suit but I always maintained decent grades, even at SFLHS. The essay wasn't nearly as difficult as I thought it was going to be. The question we had to answer was why we deserved to be accepted into the program. It wasn't hard for me to come up with two pages worth of reasons but stopping on the third page was the most difficult. I read and re-read the essay multiple times to check for spelling errors in my hangeul and after determining that it was acceptable, I stepped out of the room and returned the documents to Chan Min.

Chan Min checked the test scantron to make sure I had answered all the questions and quickly scanned my essay but didn't say anything in particular about it other than to say "it looked good." He scooted me out of his office shortly thereafter and assured me that he would call me in the next few days to let me know the results. "I'm sure you did fine, I'll make you priority number one, ok?" He nodded and walked me to the door that would lead me to the lobby.

    "Soo Chan Min-ssi?"

    "Ye*?" He turned around and faced me.

    "Kamsahamnida," I thanked him. I could feel my throat close up a bit but I forced the tears back. "For everything, even if I don't make it in, I appreciate everything you've done for me."

    "I'll call you in a couple of days," he nodded and disappeared around the corner.

Because I was too busy digging through my backpack for my iPod, I didn't even notice that my three best friends were sitting in the lobby waiting for me until they were in my face asking me question after question.

    "What--how?" I stared at my friends with an open mouth.

    "We're here for moral support, of course! We wouldn't leave you alone to take the tests by yourself, how did they go?" Mae Ri said into my face, she was the closest and quite honestly her sudden nearness made me feel slightly claustrophobic. Almost as close to me to my right was Ji Soo. I felt very crowded but resisted the urge to tell them to back off because their intentions were pure.  Mae Ri must have misinterpreted my sudden silence because she pushed Ji Soo back and said "Ji Soo, back up, you're crowding her!"

    "I'm crowding her?  You're closer to her than I am! You back up," Ji soo pushed Mae Ri lightly which only fueled her irritation and soon they were fighting amongst themselves which earned a dirty look from the receptionist--a different receptionist from my previous visit. Eventually Jong Hwa hit both of them on the back of the heads to shut them up and got evil glares from both for his efforts.

    "Seriously, you two--" he shook his head in exasperation. "How did it go, Lily?"

    "I think it went ok," I told them about the tests as we walked out of the building towards the bus stop. "What I'm really worried about is the essay, you know written hangeul still gives me a bit of trouble."

    "Well I'm sure you did fine besides, they'll know Korean isn't your first language and they'll be impressed by your efforts," he told me. The other two were still batting at each other in annoyance to really take part in the conversation and I had to hide my grin. Jong Hwa looked in their direction and rolled his eyes. "I wish they would start dating already and be done with it," he whispered to me.

I could only stare in shock. First, I completely agreed and thought they should start dating as well but I was more surprised because I had always thought Jong Hwa had a thing for Mae Ri himself. I mean, she was beautiful, smart and she stood out in everyone's eyes. She could be kind of a handful sometimes but that was what made her so charming.

    "What?" He asked after I failed to say anything and only stared.

    "I agree, that's all," I covered up my shock by averting my gaze and looking at the other two. Mae Ri had her finger in Ji Soo's face and was saying something in Japanese while Ji Soo was saying something to Mae Ri in French. I looked back at Jong Hwa and our eyes met for a split second before we were lost in the hilarity of the situation before us.

I resigned myself to understanding that I had done my best and that what will happen will happen at this point. I pushed away any depressing thoughts and focused on what came next and what came next was homework and stalling my father until my results came back. It wouldn't be too hard, right?

***

Wrong. It was hard. For the next two days, my father kept pushing me to start packing and I finally gave in for two reasons: firstly, if I was accepted into the program, I would need to be ready to move into the dormitory the program provided for their students. Secondly, if I didn't get accepted into the program, I would need to be ready to move any how. Not to move back to the States but hopefully to move in with Mae Ri, who was suppose to be asking her parents tonight if I could possibly live with them temporarily. I assured her that it would only be for a little bit but she said not to worry. Knowing Mae Ri, she would threaten to run away if her father didn't agree to let me stay. I just hoped her father didn't stroke out at the news, I honestly adored her parents.

Jong Hwa had told me not to worry because even if Mae Ri's parents were against the idea of me moving in temporarily, he would figure something out which made me feel unexpectedly uncomfortable. I needed to stop depending on Jong Hwa for help and begin helping myself so I told him I had a plan B but I don't think I was convincing. The truth was, I had no plan B or at least no plan B that he would agree too anyway. My plan B consisted of checking out relatively cheap hostels and by relatively cheap, I meant cockroach-infested cheap but I would deal with it if it was my only option. I prayed Mae Ri's parents let me move in because honestly, my plan B sucked. I still had this weeks allowance and next week's allowance which would easily cover a two week stay at a hostel but it wouldn't leave much for food. Although it wasn't like I hadn't dealt with worse, I thought. I would go to school for as long as the school let me, maybe they would take pity on me and let me pay them back for the last quarter tuition after I graduated. Maybe...? I made a mental note to check the next morning.

I was in the process of figuring out how to broach the subject with the school administration when my phone pinged indicating I had a message. It was from Jong Hwa, "Any news yet?"

    "Not yet," I replied.

    "You'll call me first, right?" He asked a few minutes later.

    "Sure," I typed and added a smiley emoticon.

It wouldn't be until Thursday night when Chan Min would finally call me back with my results...

To Be Continued...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Ye: Informal "yes" usually used in question form such as "Yes?"

Nae Chingu (My Friends) Chapter Four

Nae Chingu (My Friends)

Chapter Four

When my alarm clock went off the next morning, I almost regretted promising Mae Ri that I'd go to school but even if I only admitted it to myself, it was more than my promise that made me go to school. I owed Jong Hwa a huge apology and I wasn't quite sure how to go about it. Or rather, the problem was I didn't know how Jong Hwa would react to my presence. I took another glance at the packet on my desk before leaving my bedroom.

While I had been throwing my little pity-party, Jong Hwa had taken it upon himself to find ways to keep me in Korea. I felt ashamed that I hadn't taken the initiative to do it myself and then called Jong Hwa a bastard for his efforts. I just hoped he would forgive me.

I always seemed to arrive at school before everyone else. I didn't know if it was due to my short commute to school or if the other students just hung out somewhere else before class but it was always quiet when I got there. I sat at my desk and listened to my iPod just waiting for my friends to show up. I was halfway through Super Junior's "Bonamona" when Mae Ri came bouncing into the room.

    "Oh good, you're here," she said. Today underneath the tan uniform she had on royal purple knee high stockings complete with a small white bow at the top. Honestly, how she found some of these items I didn't even know. Her hair was pulled into two pony tails that hung down to her shoulders and flounced with every move she made. These too, were accompanied by two white bows. "So what happened last night, what did Jong Hwa say?"

    "Actually--"

    "It's good to see you back, it's been so boring in the morning without you to razz Mae Ri," Ji Soo sauntered in looking relatively plain for his standards, if you didn't count the tight pony tail he sported which made his hair spurt out like short, spiky grass on the back of his head.

Behind him came in Jong Hwa, who didn't even glance in my direction and made me feel even worse. I stood up, "Jong Hwa, could I speak to you for a minute?" I asked in English, which only gained me an eye roll from Ji Soo.

    "There she goes speaking English again," he said before muttering something in French which, of course, I didn't understand and neither did Mae Ri because she learned Japanese instead.

    "It's okay, we don't--" Jong Hwa started to say but I jumped ahead.

    "It'll only take a minute....please Jong Hwa," I pleaded and he sighed. He was still upset from last night. He was usually never this resistant to talking to me but he nodded and followed me out the door anyway. The hallway had a few people but not so many that we couldn't talk privately.

    "Jong Hwa," I spoke in English to reduce the amount of eavesdroppers. "I found the packet you left for me and I'm so sorry!"

    "It's not a big deal," he still wouldn't look at me and instead looked at the floor.

    "No, it is a big deal!" I corrected him and I meant it. "It is a big deal, you went out of your way for me and I-I called you--"

    "Can I just ask you something," he finally looked up at me.

    "Ah, sure," suddenly I was the one looking at the floor and avoiding eye contact.

    "Do you even want to stay here, I mean I know your mom is back in the States and you don't talk about her but I know you miss her," he ran his hand through his hair which gave him a rugged look. "You may not think so, but you just gave up. Does he scare you that much?"

Whoa, invasive much? Jong Hwa was always the one who kept the coolest head so why all of a sudden was he being so...so...hot headed! Whatever the reason, I decided I would answer him honestly, "Yeah, of course, I miss her but-but she left me here so I guess I don't miss her as much as I should. Not enough to move back to the States anyway," I let out a relieved breath. I had never admitted that to anyone, I didn't hold it against my mom that she left but I guess it didn't quite endear her to me either because she just...left. She announced she wanted a divorce and within two weeks she'd went back to the States with the promise to bring me with her when she could. The divorce had been finalized shortly thereafter and due to her lack of economic stability, my father had been granted temporary custody. We knew because we had gotten a letter in the mail, she hadn't even bothered to tell us the news.

    "So, do you want to stay?" Jong Hwa asked patiently. This was the Jong Hwa I was used to, calm and collected and it made me feel a little more settled.

    "More than you could possibly know," I admitted without hesitation. "I couldn't even imagine not being with Mae Ri or Ji Soo or...you every day," suddenly this conversation had taken an awkward turn. "Umm," I picked at an invisible spot on my jacket, still avoiding eye contact.

    "Good, because I-we want you to stay too," he cleared his throat. "Take a look at what I left for you," he said, sounding much more normal than he had when we first came out into the hallway.

    "I will-am looking at it," I nodded.

    "Ok, let's go back in, I fear Mae Ri will break her neck if she sticks her head out of the window any longer," he teased and pointed at the window between the classroom and the hallway.

I turned around just in time to see Mae Ri jerk her head back into the classroom but not before her hair got caught and she smacked her forehead on the windowpane. I nearly passed out from laughter. It was good to know we were all back on an even keel and I felt even lighter knowing that I may not have to leave after all, not if what those papers Jong Hwa had given me meant anything.

***

School went by fast despite being somewhat behind due to the two days I missed. During our lunch period I informed Ji Soo and Mae Ri about what Jong Hwa had found out. It was an foreign student exchange program that provided scholarships to incoming foreigners to study at a Korean school. Normally the program required a guardian's consent but Jong Hwa thought they might make an exception if the student was already of age according to their country's laws. The program provided dorms to the students as well as a small allowance as long as the student's grades were maintained. There were a few other requirements but there wasn't a lot of information in the packet so I was going to stop by the headquarters after school. Jong Hwa and Mae Ri both insisted they wanted to go with me but I declined. If this wasn't going to work out, and I had my serious doubts, then I wanted to find out by myself before telling them the bad news.

Knowing my luck, this wouldn't work, I thought as I stood outside he front doors of the Educational Student Exchange, which I dubbed the ESE for short. The building was somewhat nondescript with simple block hangeul above the rotating doors but I still felt nervous. I took a deep breath and walked in.

Behind the front desk sat a woman wearing a small headset. Her fingers cruised over the keyboard in front of her as she set up an appointment for the person on the phone. I waited patiently and looked around the lobby. It was small with furnishings that seemed bland and melded with the tan moldings and wasn't all together impressive. However the open space around the lobby was impressive, it was so open which more than made up for the suffocating neutral tones. Across from the sitting area was a glass elevator but other than that, there was only one other door that led to I didn't know where. The woman finished the call and turned to me with a sweet smile. It made me feel slightly better.

    "How can I help you," she asked in English. Most Koreans that knew English didn't talk to me in Korean because they assumed I didn't know any. Under normal circumstances it annoyed me but in this situation, I was sure she spoke English to most of her clients and it was just part of her job to switch back and forth between the two languages.

    "Ah, I wanted to speak with someone about the foreign exchange program," I said.

    "Do you have an appointment with someone," she clicked a few buttons on her keyboard again, in an attempt to look for an appointment.

    "No, um, do I need one?" I asked. I hadn't even considered the fact that I might need an appointment.

    "No, I can have someone come out to meet you but it might take a little bit, go ahead and have a seat and someone will be out to see you," she gestured to the tan chairs.

I thanked her and set off towards the sitting area. It didn't take very long, maybe twenty minutes, before the one door opened up and out walked a man who looked to be in his mid-twenties. It was hard to tell how old some Koreans were because they always seemed so ageless. He wore a suit without a tie and somehow managed to remind me of Jong Hwa. It might have been the glasses he was wearing but I felt somewhat better after seeing him. He stopped at the desk and had a short conversation with the woman, asking about me, I assumed before walking towards me with a hand stretched out for a handshake.

    "Hello, my name is Soo Chan Min," He spoke in English as well. "How can I help you?"

Deciding to set things straight right off the bat, I ignored his hand and gave him a deep bow. "Annyeonghaseyo, Soo Chan Min-ssi," I straightened up. "Cheoum boepgetssumnida*, jeoneun Ril-Li imnida.*"

    "Hangugmal hae?*" He asked me in Korean, he looked impressed.

    "Ne," I gave him a small smile. He chuckled and put down his hand sheepishly. "I have questions about the program."

    "Sure, why don't we head back to my desk, I'd be more than happy to answer your questions." he gestured towards the door and showed me the way to his cubical. It was small but very neat, there was a singular photo with him and some woman, I assumed it was his girlfriend because he wasn't wearing a ring.  "So what questions do you have?"

    "Well for starters, what are you acceptance requirements, the informational packet wasn't very informative," I said trying not to sound mean.

    "I agree, I've been trying to get the company to release a new, updated version." He laughed and nodded his head in agreement, "Well, for starters the candidate must be foreign, we don't accept any Koreans into the program. You aren't Korean, right?"

    "Ne, I was born in the United States but I've been living in Korea for a little over three years now," I informed him. He nodded and pulled out a note pad and started taking notes. "Why don't I just tell you whats going on, it might make it easier?"

    "Sure," he said and sat patiently as I explained my situation to him.

When I was done, he picked up his phone and asked whoever was on the other end if they had a moment to talk. After a few words he hung up and told me to sit tight while he checked a few things. His tone was neutral but judging by his face, I shouldn't get my hopes up. I nodded and sighed. If this didn't work, I had two options: head back to the States or stay here and get a job. Mae Ri's parents would probably let me live with them but I would still have to pay my tuition which was laughably expensive. Of course, if I went to a regular high school I could probably do it except my choices for colleges would be considerably different.

Either way I would figure out because Jong Hwa was right, I had given up but not anymore.

It was another few minutes before Soo Chan Min came back and faced me. "Honestly, your situation is a little unconventional but I think we can work with it." His face split into a smile and it took everything I had not to launch myself into his arms and hug him.

    "Jeongmalyo*?"Jinjja!" I could feel the tears coming and I couldn't stop them.

    "Yes, really," he patted my shoulder. "You are an adult by American standards and therefore you are you own legal guardian. There are a few requirements such as your GPA, and you'll have to complete a few tests for the standard subjects such as math, reading, writing, things like that but pending any bad scores, we should be able to get you in."

He handed me a few tissues and we hammered out the details; the first step would be to take the tests and get my transcripts from my current school which wouldn't be too hard. He gave me a few tips on what to expect from the tests but he told me not to worry about them. He scheduled my tests for the following Monday after school and sent me on my way with another pat on my shoulder and an encouraging smile. I wanted to talk about what happened after I was accepted into the program but he said we could save that conversation for when I got into the program.

I tried to get a hold on my crying before I left the building but it just didn't seem possible. I was so happy; the first thing I wanted to do was call Jong Hwa but I settled for Mae Ri instead, I wouldn't be embarrassed to cry in front of Mae Ri.

I called Mae Ri as soon as I got to the bus stop, "Lily! How did it-" she didn't finish her sentence because I burst out into tears again. Normally I wasn't this emotional but I felt the happiest I had ever felt in my entire life and I couldn't handle it. "Oh no, no Lily don't cry!"

That's when I heard the voices in the background and I didn't have to ask who they were. "Those bastards," Ji Soo's voice carried clear as day through the line. Jong Hwa was asking for the phone but it seemed like Mae Ri was trying to push him away because her voice came across loud but jumbled as if she was fighting with someone.

    "Jjamkkan man*! Lily talk to me," another round of tussling came across the line. "Ya, jugeul-lae*?"

I laughed because I didn't know what else to do. I had to get myself under control but listening to my friends fighting on the other side made me almost hysterical. I laughed so loud the other people in the bus stop actually backed away from me. I waved at them and apologized but it was enough to get me under control. "Mae Ri-ya, Mae Ri-ya!" It took a few tries but I got through to her eventually. "They say I'm a candidate!"

    "Mwo!" Another round of fumbling, "Ya! Jong Hwa! I can't hear her, what did you say Lily?"

    "They say I'm a candidate, meet me at the convenient store, I'm on my way there now," rather than wait for an answer, I hung up and waited for the bus.

It took me another twenty minutes before I got to the store but everyone was already there waiting. Mae Ri sat cross legged on one of the benches and actively ignored the other two boys. Ji Soo was talking to Jong Hwa but it didn't look like Jong Hwa was listening either. As soon as I walked through the doors all three of them were up and asking me questions about the meeting.

    "Sit down, sit down," I told them and went to grab something to drink for myself. They sat impatiently while I had terrible enjoyment watching them squirm, waiting for answers. As soon as I sat down, Mae Ri jumped right in.

    "So what happened? Why were you crying earlier? They said you are a candidate, what does that mean?" I held up my hand to quiet her.

    "This is what happened..."

***

Mae Ri cried herself so I didn't feel so bad about my little episode. Jong Hwa didn't say much, he just listened and let Mae Ri do all the talking. After I told them everything I knew, we discussed how hard the entrance exams were going to be and what I should do to prepare which eventually lead us into talking about the entrance exams for SFLHS and how scary those were. We hung out for nearly three hours before we each went our separate ways.

I didn't get the text message from Jong Hwa until I got home. It read, "I'm glad you're not giving up."

I didn't know what else to say so I simply replied with, "Me too."

I felt the familiar pang in my chest after reading his message for the second time and I knew what it meant. No matter how hard I tried to ignore it, I knew it was useless. I was starting to fall in love with one of my best friends and I didn't know how to stop...

To Be Continued...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Cheoum Boepgetssumnida: Literal translation is "This is our first time meeting" but for English speakers, it's the equivalent to "Nice to meet you". It's used usually only when two people meet for the first time.

*Jeoneun Ril-Li-imnida: Formal level of "I am Lily" because Koreans have a hard time distinguishing between R's and L's, a word that usually starts with an "L" sounds like an "R" so Ril-Li actually means "Lily" if said by a native English speaker.

*Hangugmal hae: Informal for "Do you speak Korean?"

*Jeongmalyo: Formal for "Really?"

*Jjamkkan man: Informal "Just a minute"

*Juguel-lae: "Do you want to die?" or "Do you want me to kill you?" Quite honestly, I never understood the direct translation of this phrase so I don't try, I just know the meaning of the phrase. It's used as a threat in an argument but never as an actual intent to kill someone.

Harry Potter

Harry Potter

I don't think there is a person on this planet who has not heard of Harry Potter. Whether you have read the books or seen the movies there is no doubt that the Harry Potter fandom is quite extensive. When the books first came out there was a huge hoopla about it being "Witchcraft" and/or "Devil Worship" but for those of us who have read the books know it is simply a story about a boy and his attempt to rid evil from the wizarding world. That's about as simple of an explanation I can make to sum up the entire 7-book series. Because anyone can find the synopsis for each of the books simply by going to amazon.com or barnesandnoble.com I will simple give my reactions to the individual books.

1)  The story begins in "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone", or if you're like my best friend and bought her book in England, it's "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone" which I think has a cool ring to it. I originally picked up this book, not because I had any desire to read it, but because the cover art was fantastic! Huge thanks to Mary GrandPrè who jump-started my love for reading. It was a few months before I even cracked open the pages but as soon as I finished the last line of the beginning chapter, I knew this was a book I was going to finish. The line was:

"He couldn't know that at this very moment, people meeting in secret all over the country were holding up their glasses and saying in hushed voices: "To Harry Potter - the boy who lived!" 

Even now I get goosebumps whenever I read that line. It's amazing when you think about how much something so simple can change your life.  I couldn't wait to get my hands on the second book and thankfully I didn't have to wait too long because my Godmother, may she forever rest in peace, sent me the second and third book for Christmas. I think I had finished both the second and third book before my Christmas break was even over...and the long wait for the fourth book began.


2) The second books picks up a few months after the first book cuts off, as most of the books do. Since Harry's story mostly consists of what happens to him during his actual school year, we don't see much of what happens to him during the summer--at least not until later in the series. "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets" was probably my least favorite of the entire series. Not that it wasn't good because it was! By the time I had gotten into the books, the third book had just been released so I basically breezed through the second book so I could catch up but then after reading the third book (which I'll talk about later) the second book was basically forgotten and stored away until the details became relevant later.

3) The third book is by far my favorite in the entire series...If you looked at my Recommended Book Series page, you'll have seen the evidence of how much I loved this book even though it is mostly destroyed. "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban" is still considered one of my favorites and I still go back to read it every so often. Unfortunately, I felt the movie did not --at all-- pay due justice to the book. To me, this was the first time we see Harry's loyalty, friendship and trust be tested to the max. The ending of the book was my favorite part. Not only do we finally find out the truth of what happened 12 years ago when Harry was 1 year old--which lead to him being the boy who lived--but we also meet one of the best characters in the whole book series. Well, actually two best characters: Sirius Black and Remis Lupin. The ending of this book we finally get to see Harry become a person and by that I mean, he finally makes a stand, and his strength of character finally comes out. I stopped seeing him as a wimpy boy who was only going through the motions but as young adult with a purpose.

Sadly...I still can't watch the movie without cursing at it...they obliterated the ending...*sigh*

4) "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" was also one of my favorites, despite it taking me months to read it. The beginning of the book was very dry and hard to get through. I started it and then left it unopened for four months before finally picking it back up and breezing through the beginning to get to the good stuff--Harry back at school. Not that the beginning doesn't set the stage for the rest of the book because it does, but it all seemed so unimportant at the time. This book taught me a few things: One--If J.K. Rowling writes about it...it's important at some other point in the series and; Two--J.K. Rowling wasn't afraid to kill someone. These two things become very important later in the series. Nevertheless, Goblet of Fire was probably the most exciting book because it was all about competition--there were dragons, and merpeople and a maze with other mystical creatures. Up to this point, it seemed like Hogwarts was the only wizerarding school but we actually get to see other schools that are like Hogwarts, which was entertaining.


5) "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix"  is the most memorable in the entire series for a couple reasons: the day this book was released I was suppose to be catching a plane to California for a family vacation but because I wasn't willing to wait the two weeks to read the book, I forced my mom to take me to a B&N before going to the airport which gave me about a 30 minute window of opportunity. Luckily, it all worked out and I was able to read the book during my flight and every night of my vacation. Another memorable part of this book came later during the second week of my vacation when something...terribly sad happens. I remember calling my mother at like 2 in the morning crying--which in hindsight was a stupid thing to do on my part because my mother absolutely freaked. Which is understandable considering I was in a different state and God only know what could have happened to me. I still smile at the memory, my mother laid into me after that...Nevertheless, something terribly sad happens in this book and once again, I was reminded that J.K. Rowling wasn't afraid to kill someone in her books, despite it being a "young adult" novel. At 25, I have to admit that although most Young Adult books don't tackle anything more complicated than friendships or relationships--I've read a lot of young adult novels--this series was realistic. Sometimes...bad things just happen. So I give special kudos to J.K. Rowling for being realistic in an unrealistic world.


6) "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" was the beginning of the end. I know, you're probably saying "Well duh..." but unless you've read the books, you don't really know what I'm saying. This book is where things start to fall apart and come together for Harry and the wizarding world. While we've been getting bits and pieces of the truth with regard to Harry and his ultimate foe, Lord Voldemort, throughout the entire series it's all been scattered pieces of information but we are finally given the big picture in this book, if not all the answers. This all happens at the cost of one of the best characters of all--Professor Dumbledore. This is probably the most pivotal point in all of the Harry Potter books--Harry is seriously tested once again in this book and once again we watch him rise to the occasion and now he's not simply a character with a purpose but a young adult with raw determination.  Although there is a twist at the end of this book that caused a lot of people to go "Whoa! I can't believe that!" I never lost faith in that character. I can't explain why, but although all clues throughout the series seemed to point to this one character being a bad guy, I never lost faith. I just knew he wasn't a bad guy...again, I can't explain it. Not that I didn't have my small doubts after the twist in this book, I never completely turned on him. I had to trust Dumbledore and it paid off in the end.

7) "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" was 784 pages of amazing action. Obviously, this is probably everyone's favorite or second favorite book of the series because it was the climatic end of the series. We finally get all the answers after a long 10 years of waiting and even though it was terribly sad, and there was more death than, I think, any of us HP fans were prepared for. I mean...seriously...more death than we were prepared for--we had to say goodbye to characters that had been present in the books since "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone" and although we were sad to see them go, we also rejoiced at the ending because Lord Voldemort was vanquished. We finally see Harry reunited with lost loved ones and then watch him stand toe-to-toe with Lord Voldemort as an equal rather than as some frightening figure that looms at the edge of the book pages. I was actually glad to find out they had split this book into two different movies because otherwise, they would never have been able to do the book justice. We spend the first half watching as Harry fulfills Dumbledore's last wish and watch as Harry, Hermione and Ron's friendship is tested but once they get their sh*t together, watching them work together to put the wizarding world to rights is pretty friggin' amazing. My favorite line still remains "Not my daughter, you bitch!" which was uttered by Molly Weasley when she takes on the very talented and unpleasant Bellatrix Lestrange.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Despite the series taking ten years to reach a conclusion, I was not disappointed with it even in the slightest. Except maybe with the several deaths that take place in "Death Hallows". I almost stopped reading after the first truth death during the final battle against Lord Voldemort. I had to stop reading for a couple hours, which is saying something because it takes place during he book's climatic ending--a part of any book I like to call the "Don't Bother Me Unless Someone Is Dying" part of the book. You know, the part of the book you rationalize and make excuses that it's ok to be late to work...or is that only me? Then you hear about all the other deaths and you're just floored...wondering how J.K. Rowling could do this?!?!? Luckily, when the second part of the "Deathly Hallows" movies was released on DVD/Blu-Ray, the special features had an interview between J.K. Rowling and Daniel Radcliffe where they discussed the ending of the book and I could finally understand the meaning of all the deaths. If you haven't seen that interview, I suggest watching it....however you can....

Like I stated before, no one can deny that Harry Potter swept the world into a frenzy--whether it was good or bad--and spun a story of magic, mystery and love that will forever live on in the hearts of those who loved the series. I feel justified in saying that it's epic story will live long and flourish along with the classic Lord of the Rings. Oh calm down LotR fans, I didn't say they were the same, just that they both gained a huge audience and countless love from their readers and Harry Potter is no different in that aspect...so calm down, it's ok!

I would recommend these books to anyone and hope that they appreciate it as much as I do.

Nae Chingu (My Friends) Chapter Three

Nae Chingu (My Friends)

Chapter Three

True to his word, Jong Hwa walked me all the way to my apartment door before he went home. Like always, I was home before my dad was and the apartment was dark and quiet. It used to bother me but since my mom left I had grown used to the quiet at night. I placed my backpack on the couch and went to change out of my school uniform. Even though the uniform wasn't uncomfortable, nothing beat sweats and a t-shirt which was my normal attire whenever I was home. I went back out the couch to start doing homework but my conversation with Jong Hwa made me feel less determined to keep up with my studies. The window in our living room showed a view of the Seoul night sky which was really quite impressive and really illustrated the pro-technology that was part of the Korean culture. It was a busy metropolis that still managed to keep itself steeped in their historical background and made it made living here more interesting. I rubbed at my face and sighed before deciding I would just immerse myself in schoolwork because at least it would keep my mind off the potential move.

I barely had time to start before I got a call from Mae Ri.

    "Ye*, Mae Ri-ya?" I held the phone between my ear and my shoulder while I pulled out my textbooks.

    "What happened," She chirped in an attempt to sound nonchalant but I knew her too well.

    "Nothing, Jong Hwa walked me home, that's all."

    "Jeongmal*?" She sounded like she didn't believe me.

    "Yeah, really. He just waned to make sure I made it home, you know how he is." I waited for her to digest my words and decid if she thought I was telling the truth. The silence was abruptly interrupted by a distant male voice on her end of the phone.

    "Wae, Abeoji*?" Mae Ri whined and I realized it was her father speaking in the background. "Mwo! Ani, Ani, Ani*" that's when I heard the distinct click of a disconnected call. I stared at the phone wondering if Mae Ri would be able to call me back but after a minute or so it seemed her dad had confiscated her phone...again.

I really liked Mae Ri's parents and they were very accepting of me, which was uncommon of most Korean parents but her father sometimes went a little overboard about her school work. Granted, Mae Ri got into SFLHS because her father's boss's son went to the school and Mae Ri was given a good word but her smarts gave her acceptance merit so no one questioned how she was able to maintain the scholarship she received from her dad's company. Of course, her father also wanted her to come work at the same company to pay back some of the due that was owed for the tuition costs but Mae Ri had it set that she was going to be a drama screenwriter and she could be stubborn. Mae ri and her father literally gave the expression "a rock and a hard place" meaning. It was still unsure who was going to be win but my bet was on Mae Ri because as rough as her father could be, he only wanted her to be happy so eventually he would give in but he would make Mae Ri give up her pound of flesh in the process.

Two hours later my father came home and it was pretty evident he was drunk from the way he stumbled through the entryway. Although I had embraced the custom of using slippers while at home, my father hadn't which usually meant he traipsed in all kinds of debris from his shoes which I habitually swept up before going to bed every day.

    "Annyeonghaeseyo Appa*," I called out before finishing the last sentence on my outline for a paper that was due at the end of the week.

    "What did I tell you? We speak English in this house," he cursed quietly as he fumbled towards the kitchen. He was always saying that but I often found it hard to speak Korean all day and then to switch to English at night when I was home but he must not have been as drunk as I originally thought if he caught the discrepancy.

    "Yes, Sir," I replied and closed my notebook. By the time I made it to the kitchen, my father had finally made it to the kitchen table and sat down. "Do you want something to eat?"

    "No," he grumbled while he poured himself a glass of water out of a pitcher I always kept full on the table.

I decided to heat up the chicken soup I made the previous night anyway. I knew my father and pretty soon he would be jumbling around the kitchen trying to find something to eat anyway so I usually tried to save him the hassle. "I'll heat up the chicken soup," I mumbled. I was pulling the tupperware out of the fridge when my father asked me a question that made me stop mid-motion.

    "What do you think about moving back to the States," he asked.

    "Ah," I tried to stall by keeping busy around the kitchen. I pulled a pot out of the cabinet and grabbed the soup ladle, "I-I don't know."

    "I thought we could move back to Minnesota, you know," he said.

No, I don't know, I thought. My hands were beginning to shake, if he'd decided the exact location we were going, then this move had already become imminent but I wasn't ready to resign to my fate.

    "We'd move back closer to your mom and the rest of the family, you'd like that wouldn't you?" Most of his questions were rhetorical, I knew that but I had to try anyway.

    "Well, yeah, but," I took a deep breath. "Whe-when would this happen?"

    "Well if I put my transfer papers in at the end of the week, we could be outta here by..." He stopped to think about it and I mechanically put the soup on the kitchen burner. Hardly breathing as I waited for an answer. "By the end of the month, I'd say. Probably sooner," he tacked on as if that was even more reassuring.

    "Bu-but what about school? It's my last year, I mean, couldn't we stay--" I tried to reason calmly even though my head felt light.

    "Well, to be honest, I'm glad you brought it up. You deserve to get an American diploma," he cut in. "They mean more and you could even get your diploma from the high school your mom and I went too!"

As if I should be ecstatic about that! What does he mean 'they mean more'? I'd read enough about American schools to know that their diplomas were certified presents they gave out to studens for surviving to the age of eighteen! I took a deep breath, "Bu-but Dad, if I transfer now I'll have to restart my senior year, I mean, that's seven months from now."

    "Ok, so you'll be slightly delayed but it's no big deal, you'll have rank because you're older," he chuckled and I barely withheld screaming at him. I'd tried that before in Germany and it only made him close up. I never got another peep in on the matter after that discussion and we'd moved soon after.

    "Dad, I had plans," be logical, I told myself. Give him logical reasons, those he'll understand, I kept repeating this in my head."I mean, plans to graduate and you know, go to college here. I--"

    "What? Absolutely not, college?" He swung around to look at me as if I'd told him I planning on becoming a plumber. His face was distorted in annoyance.

    "Why not? I mean, Korea's known for it's higher education, people come from all over the world to--"

    "No, no no," he shook his head repeatedly. "You're going to college in the States, I don't care which college but no, you're not going to college in Korea!" His voice had started to raise which meant I was loosing a grip on this conversation.

    "Don't you care what I want?" I tried to hold the tears back but unwittingly they started to pool in my eyes. Crying did absolutely nothing to soften my father's heart, I knew that but I couldn't help it.

    "You're still a child, you don't know what you want." The words stung, almost as if he'd slapped me. It was the same words he'd said to me in Germany when I had been fifteen. Of course, back then I was still very young but now, now I was eighteen and knew exactly what I wanted.

    "Bu-but dad," I had nothing else I could say but he cut me off anyway.

    "No, this discussion is done. We're moving back home," he shouted which made me jump. "And turn the damn stove off before you burn this place down," he pointed his long index finger the pot of boiling chicken soup I had completely forgotten about.

Almost on auto-pilot, I turned off the stove and move the pot over to the sink to keep it from burning. I took one more look at my father who was sitting at the kitchen table with his head resting on his hand in annoyance before I took off for my bedroom. I barely got the door shut before the tears started falling. I had to cover my cries with my pillow in order to keep quiet. My dad thought tears were a weakness and absolutely abhorred them. My mom hadn't even cried when she left, she knew better, despite still loving my father when she filed for divorce. I could never do what my mother did so instead, I hid my tears from my father and cried myself to sleep that night.

***

I didn't go to school the next day. I was totally giving myself a pity-party and I knew it. Normally, I hated those but since I'd had a restless night and could barely make it out of bed to use the bathroom, I decided to give in to my pitiful state and call it what it was--a pity-party. A well deserved one, at that. I ignored the texts my friends had sent me during the day and the subsequent calls after school was finished and just lazed around my apartment. I didn't eat very much, mostly because my stomach was tossing and turning all day but by dinner time, my body was very much aware of it's starved state and I finally decided to make something.

A quick scrounge around the kitchen showed me I didn't have much of anything and that we needed to go shopping this weekend and by 'we', I meant myself and a local grocer, Mal Nyeon, because my father never went shopping. My first time had been a terrible experience but luck had been on my side that day.

***

Three Years Earlier...

Who shops for groceries at ten'o'clock at night? Apparently Korean people because the supermarket was absolutely bustling with people! I had hoped there would be no one here this late but much to my complete dismay there were a ton of people which made shopping even more awkward for me. Up until now, I had been getting food at the convenient store a block from my apartment but I could only feast on so much ramyeon before thoughts of the plain noodle soup made me gag.

I grabbed a cart and slowly headed to the first aisle; not only was it hard to shop when everything was written in another language but it was made even worse when everyone stared at you. It wasn't the first time I was an outsider but that didn't make it any less awkward. Thankfully I brought my iPod so it was a little easier to tune everyone out.

I placed things in my cart based off the pictures and whether or not I could figure out what they were used for. I mostly bought foods I knew like fresh vegetables, fruits and ramyeon -gag- and some random items here and there but the most upsetting part was buying meat. Between having to choose between whole chickens, pigs feet, hearts, livers and something called bull-go-gee which I could only assume meant some kind of bull meat--which I learned later is the actual Korean word for meat--I ended up not buying anything from the meat aisle.

After about an hour, I finally made it to the front and entered the shortest lane. When my turn came up, I started piling things onto the conveyor belt and tried not to be embarrassed. I hated my father for making me go through this alone but since my mother had always done the shopping, it never even occurred to him how embarrassing or scary this was for me.

    "Annyeonghaseyo," the woman behind the counter said to me happily. I knew just enough Korean to know this meant hello. She looked older but she had kind eyes and an open smile. Her salt and pepper hair was pulled back in a tight pony tail with glasses atop her head.

    "Ah, hi," I muttered to her and tried to make myself busy by pulling out my money.

    "Hangukmal hal jul ani*?"

I just stared at her. What did she say? My chest seized up and I looked around but all I got was stares of the people behind me in line. "I-I-I don't know what y-you are saying," I told her slowly with my normal nervous stutter.

    "Du yu speag Engrish?" She asked with the same smile on her face.

    "Oh, oh yes," I gave her a nervous smile of my own and nodded. She made an "ah" noise and continued to ring up my purchases. She gave me the total but since I'd had very little experience with the higher amounts of won--Korean money--I didn't know how much to give her so I just handed her my wad of money. I wouldn't even care if she took more than she was suppose too, I just wanted to get out of the store as fast as I could.

She smiled nicely at me before turning off her aisle light and making shooing movements to the people lined up behind me. She spoke very quickly in Korean, not that I would have been able to pick up any of it anyway, but based off the annoyed looks on everyone else's face as they began leaving the lane one by one, I could tell it wasn't good. Oh god, did I not have enough? My palms were sweaty and I started picking out items to be taken off of the total price but she grabbed my hands to stop me.

    "No, no," she said in a heavily accented voice. "Ret me show yu," she put all of the money I handed her on the now open conveyor belt and piled it in order of amounts. That was my first lesson in Korean money.

***

Present Day

I learned that day that her name was Shim Mal Nyeon and she would become my grocery buddy. For the last three years we did all of our grocery shopping together. Of course, now I could speak the language and read the labels but her inner-grocery knowledge was invaluable. She helped me buy my first meats at the grocery store and although I'm no longer an amateur, I still feel slightly uncomfortable haggling the price of a whole chicken without her help. She also gave me recipes to try on my own and she kept me supplied with Kimchi--spicy, fermented cabbage that Koreans added to almost every meal.

The thought of Mal Nyeon made me even more depressed as the realization that my shopping days with her were limited and I closed the cupboard I had opened in my quest for food. I went back to bed and decided that tomorrow I would pull myself together but for today I would just wallow in my self-pity.

***

Yeah, by the second day I still hadn't made it out of bed. I skipped school again and lazed around. My father barely even noticed me since he was gone most of the day and neglectful at night. I had received so many texts from my friends that I finally just turned off my phone, ashamed to face them and wanting to delay the conversation I knew was coming for as long as I could.

Earlier in the day I pulled my old anti-depressants out of my desk. The same ones I had stopped taking after my first year in Korea but now, I was seriously giving them their due consideration. I knew this feeling all too well, it was the same feeling I'd had before I moved from Germany. Utter despair, or clinical depression as the military doctor deduced after my father dragged me in to see him. He prescribed me the meds and my father, to his utter shame, forced fed me pills for the first few weeks.

The bottle sat on my desk untouched...for now.

I was lying in bed when the door to my apartment dinged announcing someone was coming in. Thinking it was my father, I pulled the covers up over my head and pretended to be asleep. It wasn't until my bedroom door burst open that I realized it wasn't my father at all.

I jolted up in bed as my three friends came bursting through the door in a jumbled mess of limbs and winter wear.

    "Lily!" Mae Ri charged into the room and nearly toppled us both off my bed when she launched herself at me. At least, Ji Soo and Jong Hwa had the decency to stay back by the door.

    "Ma-Mae Ri?" I awkwardly hugged her back but since her winter coat was thick and she still had her backpack on, it was a little hard.

    "Ya!" She pulled back and immediately started hitting me. Not full blown smacks but enough that it hurt a little and annoyed me at the same time.

    "Ya, Neo*!" I pointed my finger at her and glared. "I'm older than you are!"

    "You aren't Korean so it doesn't count," she replied snottily.

    "Mwo!" It wasn't until after my outburst that I heard the snickering in the background. Mae Ri and I both looked at the boys at the same time only to find them hysterically laughing behind their mittened hands. Ji Soo actually looked like he was going to collapse from laughing so hard and it only fueled my annoyance, Mae Ri's too.

   "Mwo-ya*!" We both said in unison which only made the boys laugh harder. We looked at each other and realized how ridiculous we looked. Mae Ri, in all her winter glory, was straddling my legs which were still under my bed covers and I must have been looking disheveled as all get out from being in bed all day. Just like that, the tense atmosphere was gone and soon we were all laughing hysterically.

When we were able to pull ourselves together we gathered in my living room around a bowl of popcorn because I didn't have anything else in the apartment to cook up. Ji Soo offered to pay for delivered fried chicken but I didn't feel comfortable with him paying for our food and I didn't have enough of my allowance left to pay for the extra expenditure. As soon as we were settled, everyone got quiet and looked at me expectantly.

    "Mwo?" I asked around the popcorn in my mouth.

    "Why haven't you been in school," Mae Ri asked and instantly checked my forehead. "And don't tell me its because you're sick because you feel fine!" She put her hand down and grabbed more popcorn.

    "Ahh," I blanked out. I guess while I was ignoring their calls I should have also been coming up with excuses. Well hindsight is twenty-twenty, I guess.

    "Does it have anything to do with you moving," Ji Soo, in his usual brutally honest way, blurted out.

I shifted my eyes to Jong Hwa and glared at him. Well so much for secrecy among friends, I thought.

    "Don't blame me, you're the one who missed school for two days," he shrugged. "What was I suppose to tell them?"

    "Are you serious," I asked in English. Jong Hwa was the only one who was fluent in English, in fact, we were studying our respective languages together; he taught me Korean in exchange for me teaching him English and he'd gotten much better since we first met.

    "I'm sorry, Lily. I wasn't going to tell them but then you were gone today too, what was I suppose to think? I thought your dad had moved you already." He shrugged again and I had to really try hard to understand his logic. At least it explained Mae Ri's reaction when she burst through my bedroom door earlier. She must have expected it to be empty. I sighed, this was a conversation I'd been wanting to put off and now I was faced with having to tell my friends the whole truth of my situation.

    "Ya, look at you two!" Ji Soo, who's second language was actually French, pointed a finger at Jong Hwa and I. "Why aren't you speaking in Korean," he looked at me. "What aren't you telling us?"

    "Nae Abeoji*," I gave one final glare at Jong Hwa before continuing in Korean. "He's moving me back to the States. He's putting in the transfer papers this week and at most, I'll have a month before..." I trailed off, unable to finish because my throat closed up. I was trying really hard not to get emotional again.

    "Before what?" Mae Ri asked, apparently not taking the hint.

    "Before she's gone," Jong Hwa finished. "Pabo*," he called her stupid which resulted in Mae Ri fake punching him.

    "Bu-but you're in your last year, school just started!" Mae Ri exclaimed and I realized that she did most of the talking for the group. Mostly everyone just sat back and let Mae Ri take charge, which she did very well but it was funny how I noticed that only now, right before I had to leave them all. The little things you take for granted, I guess.

    "Alayo*," and I did understand that, it was the same argument I used against my dad the night of the argument but it hadn't mattered. "It doesn't matter, I go where he tells me to go."

    "So you're just going to give up, just like that," Jong Hwa asked me in English. Everyone looked at him, it was very rare we used English in our conversations outside of studying and usually only by me which it why it was weird that Jong Hwa was doing it.

    "I'm not giving up but Jong Hwa, I've been through this before. My dad doesn't listen, what am I suppose to do," I replied in English. It would have been comical watching Mae Ri and Ji Soo look back and forth between us as if we were playing ping pong but in this situation, nothing was funny.

    "Find another way, make it work," he raised his voice a little which was probably the first time I'd ever seen Jong Hwa this upset. He was attacking me as if this was my fault. Well it wasn't!

    "It's not that easy, Jong Hwa!" I raised my voice a little too to make my point. "I don't have money, I don't have a place to stay and by Korean law I'm not even an adult yet," I took a deep breath to calm down. "Even if I could do all that stuff, Korean law requires I have a guardian."

We sat looking at each other for a long time while the other two just continued to pass glances, unsure of what to do because they had no idea what was said. I'm sure they felt the tense air in the atmosphere so they just kept quiet.

    "I guess it's a great thing that you aren't Korean then, huh?" Jong Hwa heaved out an exasperated huff of breath and stood up. I felt like he'd stabbed me in the chest. What the hell had I done to deserve such harsh treatment from Jong Hwa? He was suppose to be the most easy going of our group!

    "Neo saekki-ya*," I whispered but loud enough that everyone heard. Mae Ri sucked in air and Ji Soo's eyes got wide. I'd never sworn in Korean before but what he'd said hurt a lot. "You can leave now," I said in Korean and stood up.

    "Wait, what?" Mae Ri stood up too but looked around as if the answer to her question would be floating in the air between Jong Hwa and I. "What just happened?"

    "I don't know but they're both pretty angry, maybe we should just go," Ji Soo said while making a play for his jacket. Ji Soo didn't mind confrontation as long as he was the one confronting someone otherwise he stayed well away from conflict.

    "No, what did you say," Mae Ri jumped to my defense automatically and pushed at Jong Hwa who didn't look away from my eyes. It cooled some of my anger to see Mae Ri defend me but the way Jong Hwa was staring at me made me mad and slightly uncomfortable.

    "Nevermind, let Lily figure it out," Jong Hwa grabbed his jacket and walked towards the door. Ji Soo followed behind and Mae Ri looked like she couldn't decide if she should stay or if she should leave.

    "It's okay, Mae Ri-ya," I picked up her jacket myself and handed it to her. "Your father will be angry if you go home this late by yourself," I nodded reassuringly.

    "I told Mr. Kim that you were sick but I grabbed the homework," she rummaged through her backpack and pulled out some papers to hand to me. "I think my notes are--"

    "I can manage, don't worry," I said and waved off Mae Ri's notes for the homework. Mae Ri was such a great friend, I tried not to think about how hard it would be without her.

    "You are coming to school tomorrow, right," she looked up questioningly as she zipped up her jacket. "Right?"

    "Yeah, I'll be at school," I nodded and resigned myself to it. Regardless of how I felt in the morning, I would go to school.

    "Ok, you promise," she held out her hand for a pinky promise.

    "I promise," I laced her pinky with mine and we pressed our thumbs together--it was how Korean's did pinky promises to make them binding.

    "Ok, see you," and they were gone.

It wasn't until later when I saw the packet on the floor next to where Jong Hwa had been sitting that I realized the meaning of his words.

    "Oh my god, I'm not Korean," I exclaimed after I'd read what was in it.

To Be Continued...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*Ye : Korean equivalent to "Yeah"

*Jeongmal : "Really"

*Wae Abeoji : "Why Father"

*Ani : short for Anieyo which means "No"

*Appa : "Dad"

*Hangukmal hal jul ani : "Do you not speak Korean?"

*Mwo-ya : Korean Equivalent to "What the hell!"

*Neo : "You"

*Nae Abeoji : "My father"

*Pabo : Fool, Stupid, Dummy, etc, take your pick. Ha-ha

*Alayo :  "I know" or "I understand"

*Neo Saekki-ya " "You Bastard"

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