This is the first blog I'm posting about my life--Not that you still shouldn't read my fictional writing but this will be from my own personal life rather than my imagination!
A person can live their whole life in this manner--those are the ones who just aren't good people. Not because they are mean or hurtful to others but because they see only themselves and aren't able to see the world as it really is. I've known a few people like this and I see what could have happened to me had I stayed on that path. It makes me sad and allows me to show more compassion to those who are usually shunned by others. It makes me more understanding of their actions and their thought processes despite possibly being unhealthy for myself. Through them, I find redemption for myself and the choices I made so many years ago. This does not make me a saint in anyway, Lord knows I have my own group of people I can't stand and I'm very vocal about it. However, I can't say this transformation I made is solely of my own doing. I've had help along the way from unexpected sources and one of those sources happens to be from my very own father. I never thought I would every repeat his words--I mean, what child every really thinks they're going to be like their parents? The phrase "let it go" has followed me into adulthood and has begun to make much more sense to me. I couldn't see it as a child, spout whatever you want about the psyche of a child but I couldn't "see" it then. As an adult, the phrase "let it go" has never seemed more clear.
In order to become the person I am today, I've had to let many things go--some unwillingly--but I've come to discover that letting something go isn't the same as losing something. Losing implies that the owner intended to keep it, whatever that "it" is for any given individual. I had to get used to the idea that "letting" something go is the equivalent to the "give and take" that we experience as adults. You hear it, the "give and take", the "push and pull" or the "ups and downs" of life, these are just different versions to "letting it go". Or at least, this is what I've come to realize. Have I lost you yet? Well, in the hope of keeping your attention for just a few more moments, I'll give you an example:
You're mad. Doesn't really matter why you're mad, think of something........have you thought of it? Ok, good. So you're mad, and if you're like me, you want to say something or do something. I'm hurt, I'm mad and I don't like feeling this way so in order to make myself feel better, I'm going to attack someone or something just to ease what I'm feeling inside. Doesn't matter if the person I attack had anything to do with why I'm angry, I'm just going to do it.
This was my thought process before I understood the power of "letting" something go. It would fester inside of me until it came exploding out. Of course, I had very valid reasons for behaving that way but that's neither here nor there at this point. My turning point was after I had the realization that I was about to lose the love of my life. As dramatic as that sounds, it is the truth. I had just broken up with my boyfriend for the second time with the understanding that this was it, we broke up and I was done. Or at least I was done until I realized I wasn't. Not even close...
It is moments such as these--maybe not as dramatic as mine--that a person has a rare opportunity to change, for better or worse is decided by the person making the decision. I had held all these pent up emotions from my past and they would come out in brief spurts until I just couldn't do it any more. I spent a few days staggering from all the emotions until I finally realized what I was doing! I was letting it go...all those memories, all the hurt and pain I had received from others throughout the years, all my self-destructive ways, it was leaving me and what was left was...me. A new, emotionally lighter me that I could appreciate.
Fortunately for me, my boyfriend--husband now--wasn't done either and we were able to mend our particular bridge. I'm still quick to anger but the way I process that anger is much different. Anger can be as good of a thing as it can be bad. Anger is and always will be a motivator. Some of the best things come out of anger--beating cancer is one of them. Ever seen a mad cancer patient? They undoubtedly last longer than those that give in to their disease--trust me, I've had enough people live and die on me to know that.
Now it isn't so much as me "breathing in and out" which can help some people, for me it's a determined decision. Now, I ask myself "Is it worth fighting about?" If it's not worth fighting about then take your time to be angry but then "let it go". This can be done by simply allowing your anger to burn out by engaging in an activity you enjoy. Whether it's cleaning, knitting, or working out, just do it until you know longer feel like you're angry. Usually for me, it's music--SHINee (a kpop boy group) in particular. I can't seem to be angry and listen to SHINee at the same time. I'll sing, dance or otherwise just listen to their voices until I feel happy (or at least normal) and then process the upsetting event in an unemotional way. To me, this is the best solution. However there are other ways. Another way is just accepting that this happened and it can't unhappen and not allow it to affect you. Sounds so simple right...well it'll be hard at first but eventually, it becomes this simple. An example:
Not too long ago I had a slight disagreement with some friends and it just exploded. By the time it exploded, I hadn't realize the argument had reached such a height until it was too late to reel it in. When I did attempt to reel it in, my quick 180 caused the other person to 180 as well which turned out to be worse than continuing the argument. At first I could only think of self preservation by leaving the situation entirely but the more and more I removed myself from the situation the angrier I got. So angry that I held it against the innocent people present for not stopping it themselves! This situation took more than 3 days to dissipate my anger. I kept repeating to myself "Is it worth losing friends over....or not?" I had determined the argument wasn't worth losing two possibly four friends over so I knew I had to let it go but damn...it was incredibly difficult. I avoided them for awhile before I realized what I was doing. I was allowing my hurt feelings to ruin what is a great friendship and I said to myself, that's it. I've spent my time being angry and now I'm not going to do that any more. I met up with them, they had let it go, I had let it go and we've never spoken about it since.
However, sometimes it's worth being angry about. If it is truly worth fighting about then yes, argue something out but in a productive way. Sometimes in the heat of the moment (or depending on the varying degrees of anger) a person needs to take five minutes to themselves. I know I do most times and I tell my husband "I just need a minute to be angry". Ever heard that Terri Clark song, "I Just wanna be mad"? That just about sums up the song I sing in my head when I'm livid. Grant yourself a few minutes to revel in your anger and then figure out how to productively use your anger. What is it that you want?
Most often, this process requires I sit my husband down and tell him point by point exactly why I'm angry. Once I've listed my reasons, it is at that point that I have to tell myself that I've done what I can to illustrate to that person why I'm angry. Once you've told someone why you're angry, there isn't any reason to be angry any more. There really isn't. What works for me is saying this out loud, because if it's said out loud, it's in the cosmos--the airwaves--the world, whatever terminology works for you. "Hubby, this is why I'm angry...yada yada yada, now I'm going to stop being angry and I'm going to let it go but please be conscious of this next time." More often then not, I'll nod my own head as confirmation to myself that I've decided to give up on my anger and this allows me to truly move on. It sounds foolish, but it's what works for me.
The final step of letting go is the hardest....truly the hardest. Now you need to go back to normal. I find this to be sometimes the most difficult at first but after awhile, it becomes second nature. I'm angry, I'm telling you why I'm angry, I'm letting my anger go and now what're we having for lunch.? That's an example, it could be anything: I'm letting my anger go and now I'm going to watch this movie. Or I'm letting my anger go, now what are we going to get your sister for her birthday? Things like this. It's the "moving past" stage that usually throws people for a loop because it's basically pulling a 180 or rather...a 90 because you don't want to go back to where you were but rather move in another direction completely. It's laughing when you don't really feel like laughing, it's engaging in conversation even when you just want to shut yourself in some place alone. Not allowing yourself to move on is only allowing yourself to harbor those feelings for longer and if you've truly let it go, then there is no reason to shut yourself in.
I wrote this blog because I had an upsetting situation come up with my sister today and luckily, we were both able to let it go fairly quickly and I was so relieved that my day instantly got better. I wanted to share our experience with others so that maybe...just maybe....the things we learned from our experience can help at least one person. That's something I can feel good about, even if it's only in my head. The power of hope is immeasurable and I'm hoping this will help someone...
Thank you for reading this....
-Aunnie
p.s. This Blog is brought to you by Vixx-- Kpop at it's best!
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