Even My Dad Does Sometimes

I've been listening to Ed Sheeran's "Even My Dad Does Sometimes" almost every day. The song is sad and the picture the lyrics paint is a rather dismal picture but this song has become very importantly to me lately. It's exactly how I feel almost every day. Especially the line "Live life like you're giving up. 'Cause you act like you are." And I feel like that's how I've been acting lately.

Haha, I say 'lately' as if it's just been a week or two. More like five or six months. Such is life.

"It's alright to die, 'cause death is the only thing you haven't tried" is another line that brings me comfort because it's true. Granted, I haven't tried everything I'd like to but death truly is the ultimate challenge and we only get to experience it once. That's why the phrase "Go out like a bang" was created, wasn't it? "Go ahead and just live it up" is another lyric that makes the earlier phrases even more legitimate. You only die once so live it up, do it with style. Death should mean something, any time a person dies, it should mean something. Whether it makes people mourn, cry or feel vindicated, a death should mean something. It's only cruel if they die for no reason. If no one cares about a death, that's truly sad. There are more and more deaths happening that people just don't care about. Is it because we've become to de-sensitized? Maybe...but is everyone de-sensitized? No. At least I'm not...I can say that with 100% percent accuracy.

Today I put my renaissance outfit on for the first time since last October. It was comforting. I imagine a day will come and I'll put my wedding dress on. It would be too sad to put a wedding dress on only once in a person's lifetime. It's been two years--nearly at least--since I've been married and I've warn it a total of..3 times since then...I think... I've mastered zipping it up from behind and everything! It truly was a beautiful dress. Most women think their wedding dresses are beautiful but most think back and go "Oh, I should have went with this type" or wish they'd had a special feature. I guess I'm not completely immune to this sentiment. I wish my dress had a corset tie in the back but alas, the rest of the dress was so perfect that I was perfectly okay with a zipper. And God, I looked beautiful in it. I know that makes me sound conceited but I don't care. I looked so goddamn good in my dress it was amazing. I've never felt so beautiful in my life. I hope and pray ever woman who gets married feels the exact same way I do about my wedding day. Supreme happiness. I was marrying the man I love, I looked beautiful and I felt like a planet for once--in the sense that everyone was there and their focus was all about me--and my husband of course but... What I'm trying to say is I've never felt that before in my entire life. I absolutely cherish that memory for so many reasons...it'd be too hard to count them.

I know I sound like a shallow piece of shit but I don't feel like one.

I listened to the Cavalia soundtrack--I almost said OST, tee hee--today for the first time in a long time and felt like editing my manuscript. Recently my manuscript, or the idea of losing my manuscript, had me in tears with a full blown panic attack. It's made me realize how much that manuscript meant to me. Each word on the 200+ pages is precious to me. Of course that reminded me of the story I've been telling on this very blog--Nae Chingu--and I've felt ashamed for abandoning my characters. Ji Soo most especially, every once in awhile he starts shouting in my head that he's got a confession to make and it's been boiling up inside of him but he needs me to get them out. I suspect the confession, when it does take place, will be rather...boisterous. *shakes head* Poor Ji Soo...but mostly especially poor Mae Ri...she won't even know how to handle it. Thankfully she's got a newly healed Lilliana to help her process it. And of course there are her parents, Lilliana's I mean. Her parents are coming and don't even get me started on how Jong Hwa is going to make Lilliana pay him back. Oh Lilliana...you don't even know.

How did this blog start out by me talking about death and end up with the friends in my head? Haha, life is strange sometimes.

Annyeong Yeoreobun! Saranghae. Totally informal, but what are you gonna do? *shakes head*

Nae Chingu (My Friends) Chapter Eleven

Nae Chingu (My Friends)

Chapter Eleven

    "Lily," Mae Ri tried to get my attention but all I could see was the closed door. I pulled my arm out of Jong Hwa's hand and began pounding on the door.

    "Dad," I called hoarsely at first. "Dad," I called more loudly.

My friends let me continue for a few minutes but it was obvious my dad wasn't going to open the door and my pleas were falling on deaf ears.

    "Lily, let's go," Jong Hwa pulled me back and this time I let him. I barely noticed my surroundings as my friends pulled me to the elevator. I felt cold, despite being bundled in my winter jacket.

    "Lily, gwanchana," Mae Ri asked me hesitantly but I couldn't focus enough to think of an answer.

    "Of course she's not ok," Ji Soo shoved Mae Ri from behind.

    "I was just asking," Mae Ri elbowed Ji Soo back.

    "It was a stupid question," Ji Soo responded.

    "Guys," Jong Hwa said sharply and they instantly stopped talking.

I still couldn't believe that my father had shut the door in my face. He looked at me like I was a traitor, like I'd betrayed him. Maybe I had, I thought. Maybe my decision to stay seemed like a betrayal to him but wouldn't going back be a betrayal to myself? He'd left me with nothing, I didn't have any clothes, my books, my toothbrush. I had nothing. Some how we'd made it to the lobby and I couldn't even remember getting on the elevator. I had...I had...

I pulled my wallet from my jacket pocket and opened it, "20,000 won." My own voice felt very far away.

   "What," Ji Soo called from behind me.

20,000 won...20,000 won, my mind kept circling around that amount, that was..."That's enough for a toothbrush and maybe a shirt," I muttered.

    "Lily, stop," Jong Hwa said quietly and tried to take my wallet away but I cradled it against my chest.

    "Don't take it away, it's all--it's all I have left," I quickly put the money away and stuffed my wallet back into my pocket so no one could take it from me. "It's mine," I warned them.

    "Lily?" Jong Hwa's voice seemed very far away and I didn't know what scared me more, the thought of someone taking the rest of my livelihood or Jong Hwa moving far way from me. I panicked and grabbed onto his arm.

    "You can't leave me too, I couldn't--don't leave me," I buried my face in his shoulder. "I need you," I started shuddering violently. I couldn't shake the cold. It was so cold, why?

    "Jong Hwa-ya," Ji Soo said from somewhere. "I think she's in shock. What did her father say?"

    "Jong Hwa, don't leave," I continued to plead.

    "I really do think she's in shock," Ji Soo said.

    "What do we do," Jong Hwa asked while he tried to dislodge his arm from my tight grip but I wouldn't let him go.

    "No," I clawed at his jacket. "No, don't leave."

    "Lily, I'm not going anywhere," he tried once again to pull his arm out of my grasp but since I wasn't letting go of his jacket he simply pulled his arm out of the sleeve and soon I was grasping at nothing.

    "No!" I screeched and made a pass for his waist. I gripped him tightly, fearful that he'd pull away again and instead he wrapped his arms around me and held me tight.

    "Ji Soo call your father," Jong Hwa commanded even as he gently started patting my hair. "Something isn't right," he mumbled as held me.

    "Lily," Mae Ri was crying but I didn't know why or care, I just knew that I had to make sure Jong Hwa didn't leave.

    "Abeoji," Ji Soo said into the phone before falling into a quick slew of Korean that I neither followed nor cared about.

I pressed my ear to Jong Hwa's chest and listened to his heart. Bah-bump. Bah-bump. Bah-bump. It was the best sound in the world, I wish I could just have his heart, he'd never leave me then. My eyes started to droop and my legs started to get weak.

    "...keep her warm..."

    "...she's falling..."

    "...Lily!"

***

    "They spoke in English, I don't know--" a voice broke through my consciousness weakly.

    "He kicked her out, he just--"

...Silence...

    "...will be ok, just needs time..."

    "Jong Hwa!" I cried out but my voice seemed small and weak.

    "I'm right here," I felt a hand grab my own and give it a gentle squeeze. That's all I needed to know before I slid back into sleep.

***

I was warm and it felt good. I could feel the sun rays on my face even thought I hadn't opened my eyes, it was nice. It's Saturday, I thought. The weekends are always the best. Wait...the sun's up? How come Dad didn't--Dad...Dad...

It was like a movie played out before my eyes...Dad slapped me...my packed bedroom..."Then this is goodbye"...and it all ended with a door shut in my face.

    "No," I moaned and pulled my knees up. I just wanted to shrink into nothing. If my dad left like that I'd have no one, I had...Jong Hwa. Jong Hwa!

I must have yelled his name unconsciously because the next thing I heard was Jong Hwa's voice, "I"m here. Lily, I'm here."  The bed creaked to one side and I finally opened my eyes.

Jong Hwa's hair was disheveled and pushed away from his face. He looked pale and his eyes were red like he'd stayed up all night. "Jong Hwa," I threw my arm out looking for his hand and  pulled him close as soon as I clasped his fingers.

I held his arm at such an awkward angle that he finally shuffled until he was laying down across the bed from me which only made me want to pull him closer which I did. I felt a little light headed but I didn't find the feeling completely unpleasant.  It was better than the pain I felt a few seconds ago. I felt safe now that he was here which was saying something since I was coherent enough to realize I was in a bedroom I've never been in before.

    "You can't leave me," I whispered to him. "Ok?"

    "I won't. How do you feel," he asked me, there was such a concerned look on his face. I felt bad for making his eyebrows crinkle that way.

    "Don't frown," I used my index finger to poke the space between his eyes where his brows were furrowed. "You're most handsome when you look happy." I think I took him by surprise because his mouth opened into a small "O" but at least the frown was gone.

    "Lily, are you feeling ok," he looked at me worriedly.

    "I feel weird but it's ok, as long as you're here, I'm ok," and it was true. I snuggled a little closer until my head was just under his chin and breathed in the scent of Jong Hwa. He didn't particularly smell like anything really, which I found surprisingly nice. He smelled like clean clothes and there was a faint soapy smell I assumed was his body wash.

    "Maybe I should get Dr. Lee," he said hesitantly and began to pull away.

    "No, no," I tried to keep my voice low. "Where are we anyway?" I felt I should be curious about where I was but I wasn't. I just wanted to make sure Jong Hwa didn't go anywhere so this was my attempt to keep his attention.

    "Ji Soo's house. You, ah," Jong Hwa shuffled a little farther away from me and I shuffled with him. "You fainted after-after what happened with your Dad."

    "Ah," I could feel the pain of abandonment try to rise up but I dismissed it. I had Jong Hwa, I didn't need anyone else. As long as Jong Hwa didn't leave...

    "Lily, I'm going to get Dr. Lee," Jong Hwa sat up but I wouldn't let go of his hand. "I'll be right back," he gave final tug and I lost my grip.

    "You'll be right back," I asked desperately.

Jong Hwa, who was never one to be overly touchy-feely, completely took me by surprise by gently cradling my face between his two hands and looking me straight in the eye, "I'll be right back."

I nodded, completely mesmerized by his brown eyes, and felt reassured that he would be true to his word. He let go of my face and I suddenly felt cold again. I pulled the blanket closer as he left the room and I finally took in my surroundings.

The room looked typical of a "guest" bedroom meaning there was nothing more personal in it than a picture of the ocean on the wall across from the bed and a night stand. The walls were painted a gray-blue that took the word "neutral" to a whole new level and I wondered how I'd ever thought Jong Hwa's house filled with brown was anything other than homey. Even the bedspread, white with traces of the same gray-blue, looked cold or maybe that was just some residual after effect of Jong Hwa's absence. Where was Jong Hwa?

It was another minute or so before Jong Hwa and Dr. Lee came back into the room. Ji Soo's father wasn't a big man but he had such a large presence that I felt like he took up the room and I became instantly uncomfortable. The feeling confused me because I'd never been uncomfortable with him before. In fact, he was the first parent who I felt didn't judge me the minute I walked through their door. For me to be uncomfortable with him was like not being uncomfortable in my own skin. It was my first clue that something was seriously wrong with me but even as I was telling myself that it was just Dr. Lee, I pulled slightly away from his approaching form until I was on the opposite side of the bed-almost off of it. If I moved any more, I'd have to stand up.

Dr. Lee must have seen my apprehension because he stopped coming closer to the bed but the smile on his face never ceased. "How are you feeling, Lily," He asked me gently in a voice you would normally use to calm down pets.

    "I feel strange, I don't know why," I clutched the neckline of my shirt just above my heart. I was trying to tell my fast beating heart to calm down. Mae Ri and Ji Soo had came into the room but they stayed near the door. Mae Ri looked like she'd been crying and Ji Soo just looked tired. I felt terrible, I knew it was because of me. I looked to Jong Hwa who was standing a little bit away from them but now that I really looked at him, he looked terrible.

I glanced at the window and estimated that it had to have been sometime after eight in the morning which meant I had been out for several hours, twelve or more hours. "What time is it," I asked.

    "A little after nine in the morning," Dr. Lee answered me. I nodded, not knowing what else to do. I did the math in my head, I had been out for nearly fourteen hours. That wasn't normal, I thought.

    "Could you kids give Lily and I some privacy,' Dr. Lee lifted his arm as if to usher the other three from the room but my response immediately cut off their departure.

    "No, wait--" I immediately looked at Jong Hwa. The words "stay with me" were on the tip my tongue but I bit them back. He truly looked terrible, his eyes were more red than I had originally thought, his face was pale and he just simply looked tired especially with his shoulders hunched down like he was barely standing upright. I couldn't, in good conscious, ask him to stay with me. However...

    "Can-can Mae Ri stay," I asked hesitantly. Jong Hwa's body shut up straight but I didn't think any thing of it as I stared at Dr. Lee with pleading eyes.

Mae Ri burst into tears and came running at me. I shuffled so fast off the bed that I nearly tripped and would have if the wall hadn't been as close as it was. Mae Ri didn't notice my panic though because within seconds her arms were around my neck and I was in a hug tight enough to threaten my oxygen intake.

Normally I would have hugged her back almost immediately but I found myself hesitating this time. I was confused by my reaction but after a few moments I did hug her back.

    "I was so worried," Mae Ri said loudly and she continued to hug me.

I barely listened to her words as I watched Dr. Lee usher Ji Soo and Jong Hwa from the room. Jong Hwa looked at me and our eyes met for a moment before he looked to the floor and quietly shut the door behind him. I felt hollow and probably pushed Mae Ri away harder than I had intended because soon she was standing a foot away from me looking at me curiously.

    "I couldn't-" I pretended to cough. "Breath," I touched my throat to make it look believable.

    "I'm sorry," Mae Ri said nervously, like she wasn't sure if she should believe me.

I tried to put a smile on my face but it felt weak so I just sat back on the bed and look towards Dr. Lee waiting for him to tell me what happened. "Lily," and that was pretty much the last thing I understood from that moment on. I nodded along as if I understood but I felt like he was speaking a foreign language which, awkwardly, made me giggle because that's exactly what he was doing. He was using so many Korean words that I didn't know that I couldn't even keep up with the details of my condition. For some reason, this knowledge sent me into such a fit of giggles that I feared I would faint again due to light headedness.

    "What's so funny," Dr. Lee's smile dimmed slightly as he continued to watch me try and fail to contain my laughter.  Which only made me laugh more, one glance at Mae Ri's face and I could no longer contain myself. I laughed in such loud guffaws that it echoed throughout the room.

There was a knock on the door, "Dad, is everything ok," Ji Soo's voice sounded from behind the door.

Dr. Lee walked over to the door and pulled Jong Hwa inside and spoke quickly to him but I just kept wiping the tears of laughter out of my eyes.

    "Lily, did you understand what Abeonim* was trying to tell you," Jong Hwa asked me in English.

    "Jong Hwa-ya," I threw out my hand and he instantly took it and I felt better. He came and sat next to be on the bed but said a few words to Dr. Lee. I could only concentrated on the feel of Jong Hwa's hand in mine. His slim fingers encased my palm gently and I began to draw circles with my thumb on the back of his left hand.

    "Lily, can you look at me," Jong Hwa asked me and I instantly looked up. "I'm going to tell you something and I need you to pay attention to what I'm saying." It was like a weird role reversal of my conversation with Mae Ri the previous day.

I smiled at him, "I always pay attention to you. You're all I ever see," I slapped a hand over my mouth. "Oppsy," I giggled again.

    "Lily, the strange feeling you are experiencing is due to the emotional trauma that was inflicted last night," Jong Hwa told me slowly in English.  "It's called emotional shock, you experienced something so emotionally traumatizing that your body was unable to provide enough oxygen to the rest of your body that you fainted."

    "That doesn't sound good," I said and sobered up a little bit. Dr. Lee said more big words to Jong Hwa that I wasn't able to understand and I waited for Jong Hwa to translate it for me.

    "He said the symptoms you are experiencing, the manic hysteria, um," he asked Dr. Lee something and Dr. Lee nodded. "The laughing, is part of that manic hysteria. He said you might feel like you are floating, that will all disappear as the shock wears off." Jong Hwa squeezed my hand reassuringly and I nodded even though I had a hard time comprehending. I guess I did kind of feel like I was floating, now that I thought about it.

Dr. Lee said something to Mae Ri and Ji Soo  and they left the room and shut the door leaving me with Jong Hwa. Dr. Lee then began saying something more to Jong Hwa who nodded along but  then looked at me abruptly as if he was confused.

    Go ahead," I said and blinked hard. Now that I realized that even though I felt good, it didn't necessarily mean it was a good thing and I was trying to move past it. "I'm-I'm paying attention," I nodded for him to keep going.

    "He said that he was able to contact your doctor at the military base hospital and he forwarded your medical records to Abeonim," Jong Hwa looked back at Dr. Lee for the next installment of information. "He's most concerned about what will happen once the manic hysteria wears off. Your history with," Jong Hwa squeezed my hand again. "With depression."

Nothing could have sobered me up faster than Jong Hwa finding out I had been clinically depressed. It was like all the laughter in the world disappeared in that moment and my heart shrank two sizes. That had been a secret I never intended to tell any of my friends, it was a bad period in my life but I had considered it done and over with and planned on never bringing up. The sudden shame that filled me only made me feel worse.

Dr. Lee started saying something more but I instantly threw up my hand, "Hajima*, Jebal*." I looked between Jong Hwa and Dr. Lee and tried to figure out what to do next. I obviously needed help with the translation and no one else spoke Korean and English other than Jong Hwa so I had no choice but to continue to let Jong Hwa translate but was I ready for Jong Hwa to find out about all my dirty little secrets? I slipped my hand out of Jong Hwa's and moved to the other side of the bed before standing up and moving as far away from him as the room would allow.

    "Lily," Jong Hwa looked like he was going to follow me but I put out my hand to tell him to stay.

    "Ok, continue," I said in Korean to Dr. Lee who simply nodded. It wasn't a surprise when I only caught a few words since most of it was medical jargon I'd never learned before so I had no choice but to wait for Jong Hwa translate but I couldn't bring myself to look at him.

    "He said he'd like to start you back on your antidepressants to avoid a relapse until you feel you are well enough to go without them," Jong Hwa translated.

    "Why am I not at the hospital," I asked. For some reason, I was just realizing this conversation should be happening at a hospital. Why was I not waking up in a hospital bed?

    "Well, we thought it might be better to bring you here since, I mean you hadn't actually gotten hurt and," Jong Hwa looked down at his feet like he didn't want to be here any more than I wanted him here, at least not for this particular conversation. "The hospital bill would have been expensive and we--"

    "I understand," I wished I could just fall into a hole and disappear. They'd known I wouldn't have been able to pay for the bill. It was a good thing Ji Soo's father was a doctor otherwise I would have been royally screwed but then again, I felt like I was royally screw now so it really wouldn't have mattered. "I'm fairly sure my 'manic hysteria' is gone now," I admitted. There was no way I could feel worse so I might has well get all the information, even if I had to get it through Jong Hwa.

Jong Hwa translated my words and I waited for Dr. Lee to say something.

    "Abeonim said, with your permission, he'd like to order a prescription," Jong Hwa continued to listen to Dr. Lee's words. "He said he could get you started on them today."

    "Sure," I agreed. He was after all the doctor. My embarrassment kept rising and I just wanted to be alone. "Are there any other side affects," I asked but not like I really cared but I waited for an answer anyway.

    "He said you might feel overly tired for awhile but that things like this usually work themselves through," Jong Hwa informed me. "He said you might grow overly-attached to someone, someone you're close too. He said it's a coping mechanism for losing someone so abruptly," Jong Hwa finished.

Well that explained my irrational need to keep Jong Hwa by my side. He was the first person I latched onto yesterday and the first person I asked for when I woke up. His touch calmed me and made me feel safe, in fact, he'd always felt safe which is probably the reason I latched onto him in the first place.

    "Abeonim also said he could set you up with someone," Jong Hwa said.

    "Like a therapist," I asked and finally looked at Jong Hwa. He looked unhappy, yeah, well me too buddy.

    "I think so," he admitted.

    "No thank you," I'd had enough of therapists. The therapist from three years ago just kept asking me how I felt and wanted me to keep talking and talking but I hated one sided monologues. Eventually I had just told him exactly what he wanted to hear which wasn't too hard to make believable because who really wanted to listen to a sad sixteen year old talk about how sucky her life was? Even I'd grown tired of it and it was my life!

    "Lily, if it would help--"

    "No, I'm fine. I'm-I'm back to normal," you're a liar, I thought to myself. You are so not fine, but if it would get me out of this conversation, then I would lie like a rug.

    "Lily--"

    "Really, Jong Hwa-ya," I put a bright smile on my face and decided I should have gone into acting because I was putting on the performance of my life right now. "I'll take the pills if it would make Dr. Lee feel better but now-" I crossed my arms to help keep myself from falling apart. "Now that it's all been explained, I feel much better."

I couldn't tell if he believed me or not but he related my words to Dr. Lee just the same. Dr. Lee nodded and smiled in my direction. I switched back to Korean and thanked him for all his help and made sure I gave him all the respects he deserved as both a doctor and my friend's father. I bowed deeply which caused me to keel forward a little but I caught myself on the edge of the bed. Jong Hwa jolted up but I cringed away before he could touch me.

    "I'm fine, just a little dizzy," once again, I smiled at him and made sure I was out of touching distance despite wanting to touch him so bad.

They both left shortly thereafter to let me "rest" but I knew I wasn't going to be able to sleep for awhile. Sleeping for fourteen hours straight probably didn't help either, I thought to myself after I'd laid back down on the bed. I was staring out the window and tried to figure out what to do next.

I had no choice but to stay here for the day, I couldn't even go home since I no longer had a home to go too. In fact, my father was probably at the airport this second getting ready to board a plane back to the States. He'd taken all my belongings out of spite, I knew that now, but it still didn't change the fact that I had nothing to my name other than the 20,000 won in my wallet. The only thing I had going for me was the fact that I moved into the dorms tomorrow which was only reassuring because I could get away from the sad and pitiful looks my friends were giving me. It also got me away from Jong Hwa even though every fiber of my being wanted to be with him. Even now, I could feel his absence. Who was I kidding, even knowing what was happening hadn't alleviated the desire to be near him one bit.

I was eventually able to close my eyes and sleep some more and I happily sank into the darkness that would take me away from the confusing mess my life had just become.

***

Ji Soo...

In the ten years Jong Hwa and I had been friends, I'd never seen him look so bad and I didn't know how to help him.  I couldn't stop picturing the look of panic on his face after Lily collapsed yesterday or even the panic I had felt during the situation. My father always told me that being a doctor required the ability to keep a calm head in a crazy situation and that's what I'd done. Mae Ri had become hysterical trying to wake Lily up while Jong Hwa just cradled her in his arms and kept asking me what to do.

Even now I was trying to keep calm while my friend sat there on the bed looking confused and well, just not normal. When my father told Jong Hwa and I to leave, I felt relieved that at least Mae Ri would be with her even knowing that Mae Ri would most likely make the situation worse--she wasn't the calm type. It'd only been a few minutes later when we heard the laughing that abruptly erupted from behind the door.

Something wasn't right, she wasn't ok, was all I could think but for Jong Hwa's sake I didn't voice my opinion out loud. He looked like he was ready to collapse at any moment. Mae Ri had at least slept a little bit in the last fourteen hours and I had finally crashed around five in the morning only to be woken up about twenty minutes ago. As far as I could see, Jong Hwa hadn't slept at all.

It was another fifteen minutes of silence while Mae Ri and I stood out in the hallway waiting for the bedroom door to open. When it did, I don't know how Jong Hwa could look any worse. I watched as my dad shut the door behind himself.

    "Is she going to be ok," I asked even before Mae Ri could.

My dad nodded and sighed, "She'll be ok, she just needs time. She seems to be adjusting rather quickly," my dad said.

    "She's lying," Jong Hwa said quietly and he leaned against the wall of the hallway.

    "You don't know that," I said, wanting to reassure him but he simply looked at me with desperate eyes.

    "I know her, she's lying," he said and I believed him. If anyone knew her, it was Jong Hwa.

    "You kids stay here while I go and get her prescription," my dad instructed as he continued to walk towards his home office.

    "I can bring it to the pharmacy, Abeonim," Jong Hwa said and stood up straight.

    "I don't think so," I said and shook my head. "You're going to fall asleep halfway to the store, Mae Ri and I will go get it," I said and waved off his protests even before he could make them.

    "Ji Soo-ya, I--"

    "She's our friend too," I said to him quietly, warning him. Everyone was on edge and I wasn't about to watch my best friend run himself into the ground and collapse out of exhaustion. "You want to help her, you need to take care of yourself too."

    "He's right, Oppa*," Mae Ri said and I tried to bite back a smile. The only time she used the term "Oppa" was when she wanted something and I couldn't fault her for using it now. "Get some rest otherwise you will be of no help to her."

Jong Hwa didn't look like he appreciated our opinions but he kept his mouth shut which was just as well. "Come on," I said as I clapped his shoulder and pushed him into my room. "Try to get some sleep," I said as I went to grab my winter coat from my closet.

    "Did you know she'd been depressed," Jong Hwa asked me quietly as he sat down on my bed.

    "No," I answered. Lily had always seemed fine so I never once thought she seemed depressed but considering the life she'd had prior to moving to Korea, I guess I wasn't surprised. "No, I didn't."

    "Me either," Jong Hwa said. "She grabbed onto me like I was her lifeline and then she just," Jong Hwa shrugged halfheartedly. "Let me go," he finished.

I could understand the pain in his voice. The way Lily had clung to him yesterday, like she desperately needed him had probably made Jong Hwa feel like he was helping in some small way. Then to have her reject him just as quick, and taking the fact that he was in love with her into consideration probably compounded the rejection. "Don't hold it against her, she's just confused right now, I mean," I shrugged into my jacket. "Wouldn't you be?"

Jong Hwa shrugged again while he rubbed the back of his left hand. When he caught me staring, he stopped immediately. "I'm going to lay down," he said and did just that.

    "Good idea," I said. "We'll be back soon."

As I shut my bedroom door I just hoped he slept. There was a lot of questions I wanted to ask my father but it would have to wait until after we got back. It was enough to know that both Lily and Jong Hwa were resting and I did my best to comfort Mae Ri while we walked to the local pharmacy.  The last twenty-four hours felt like they had been a dream, or rather a nightmare that I was all too willing to wake up from.

To Be Continued...

***

*Abeonim: Abeoji means father but the "nim" adds a level of respect to the title and when conjugated it comes out as "Abeonim". Korean's call their friend's parents by their title of "Mother" and "Father.

*Hajima: "Stop" quite simply

*Jebal: "Please" in pleading form. It's normally used when emphasis is needed.

Nae Chingu (My Friends) Chapter Nine

Nae Chingu (My Friends) 

Chapter Nine

Two Years Earlier...

It was Jong Hwa's special night and I wanted to look appropriate so Mae Ri was helping me get dressed or rather, she was dressing me completely since I mostly had nothing but jeans or sweatpants in my wardrobe for when I wasn't in school--none of which was particularly appropriate for tonight's events. Jong Hwa would be receiving an award for his exemplary math skills during the National Math Olympia wherein he won first place. That's how I found myself at this god awful clothing store that held absolutely no clothes I would buy if it wasn't for these special circumstances. It was also the night I would meet Jong Hwa's parent's for the first time so I wanted to leave a good impression--unlike the first impression I'd left with Mae Ri's parents. I still shudder when I thought about it and could still see Mae Ri's horrified face in my mind. It was a miracle that her parents had accepted me at all; not only had I walked into their house with my shoes on, huge faux pas number one, but then I'd been completely informal when delivering my introductory speech and then capped it off by holding out my hand for a handshake. At the time I hadn't been able to coherently switch between formal and informal situations in the Korean society but fortunately after Mae Ri frantically explained the situation to them, they'd forgiven me in lieu of my western upbringing. However after that day, I'd made sure that I never made those mistakes again.

    "What's wrong with this," Mae Ri asked while holding up a dress that was completely against everything I believed clothes should look like. First, it was floral; second, it looked like something my grandmother would have worn in the sixties. It was a long-sleeved dress with a crew neck line that had solid black lapels with little flowers embroidered on it--as were the black cuffs at the end of the sleeves. The skirt itself was black and pleated which wasn't so bad if it hadn't been attached to the top. To make matters worse, it was pink floral. I didn't do pink, in fact, I didn't own even one article of clothing that was wholly pink.

    "What isn't wrong with it," I muttered and she pouted as she put it back on the rack.

    "I liked it," she grumbled.

Yeah, and you also like standing out, I though to myself. I kept looking for things that would be appropriate but every item I picked out, she deemed depressing. Granted, most of the pieces I picked out were black but to me black was fashionable--and slimming. I had lost about twenty pounds after coming to Korea but I still hadn't achieved the slimness that most Koreans exhibited which was much to my dismay.

Our shopping continued on like this for another hour before we finally found something that we both could agree on. It was a chocolate brown dress that perfectly matched my dark complexion and hung to my knees which would make it bearable in this August heat. It had half-length sleeves and was surprisingly light despite it's opaque appearance. Mae Ri wasn't satisfied with just the dress and made me buy an orange scarf to add color. I actually liked the swooped neckline of the dress but bought the scarf to shut Mae Ri up. I drew the line at the orange heels she insisted would match the scarf.

    "Absolutely not," I said for the fourth time as the cashier rang up my purchases.

    "But Ril Li," Mae Ri kept insisting and even tried to get the cashier to agree with her--which she did--but I was entirely sure it's because she wanted the sale and not because she actually thought the shoes matched.

    "Ya," I warned her. I loved Mae Ri but she wanted everyone to be as colorful as she was and I just...wasn't.

    "Joh-ah*," she finally put them back and came back with a pair of brown heels instead.

    "What are those," I stared at them as if they'd bite me.

    "The shoes you're wearing tonight," she said snottily and put them on the counter.

    "Mae Ri-ya," I said in my best warning tone.

    "Ril Li," she emphasized my name by slamming her hand on the counter. "They're brown, they match your dress and you're wearing them even if I have to buy them," because I still wasn't as fluent as to catch fast Korean, I didn't understand every word but I did understand one thing, I was wearing them tonight so I grudgingly added them to my pile of purchases. At least they weren't orange, I thought.

We went our separate ways after that to get ready for the ceremony and decided to meet back up at the school later along with Ji Soo. I wasn't much of a make-up girl so I simply applied blush, eyeliner and some lip gloss--fancy way of saying chapstick--and called it a night. Originally I had planned on leaving my hair down but felt it didn't really go with the style of the dress and put it back into a bun instead. I checked the internet for different ways to wear a scarf and settled on letting it hang off one shoulder. Even I had to admit it looked cool.Then I slipped on the surprisingly comfy heels and headed to the bus stop.

Per usual, I arrived earlier than the others but I was okay with that because it allowed me time to find a nice, quiet corner to--

    "Ril Li!" Mae Ri called my name loudly from across the auditorium and it echoed around the room. So much for quiet, I thought as I turned around to greet her.

    "Mae Ri," I smiled at her. She was, after all, my closest friend in Korea. She pulled a not-so-smiling Ji Soo behind her. "Annyeonghaseyo, Lee Ji Soo-ssi," Ji Soo and I weren't very close but since he was Jong Hwa's best friend, I tried to be as friendly as I could be but he mostly treated me indifferently.

    "Eung, Annyeong," Ji Soo nodded in my direction before actively looking elsewhere. I sighed inwardly but didn't say anything else to him and focused on Mae Ri.

    "I like the scarf" Mae Ri adjusted the scarf slightly and gave me a thumbs up.

    "I had to look up how to wear it and this seemed the coolest so--"

    "It goes with the dress," Ji Soo said quietly in my direction before looking over his shoulder again. I would have disregarded his comment except Mae Ri's face broke into a big smile and she nodded excitedly indicating I should say something back to him

    "Geurae? Kamsaham--"

    "I said it went with the dress, not that it was the best ensemble ever," Ji Soo said, cutting me off. "Stop being so formal, I hate formalities. Aren't you older than us?"

I was so taken aback by his harsh demeanor that I didn't think before I said, "It's called being polite, you might want to learn it."

Mae Ri, for once, stayed absolutely quiet and Ji Soo looked at me like he'd never seen me before. Luckily, I was saved from a retort when a woman walked up behind Mae Ri and Ji Soo and said hello. Ji Soo stared at me for another second longer before embracing the newcomer.

When the woman pulled back, she exchanged pleasantries with Ji Soo and Mae Ri for a few minutes during which time I contemplated the different ways I could slip away unseen before the impending introductions that were bound to come my way. Ugh, why did I wear such an eye-catching scarf again? Oh right...Mae R. I glared at the back of her head which was the exact moment that the woman looked at me.

    "Is something wrong," the woman asked me directly. I would have given up my soul to pagens to disappear right then.

    "What? Oh no," I had unconsciously switched back to English and she simply stared at me. "I mean," I quickly thought of the translation, "Ani." Mae Ri grimaced at me and I caught myself and tacked on "eh-yo!" to make it formal. I pretended to be coughing but I don't think she bought it for a second.

    "Ji Soo, who is this," she asked but not like she actually wanted to know the answer.

    "Nae Chingu, Lily," and the best I could do was stare at Ji Soo who smiled at me like we hadn't just had a rude exchange earlier.

    "'Nae...Chingu'?" I stuttered while Mae Ri broke out into a huge smile again.

    "Mulloniji*," Ji Soo chucked me on the shoulder as if introducing me as his friend wasn't a completely surprising turn of events.

I found out later that the woman was Jong Hwa's mother. Ji Soo also confessed to not liking me before that evening because he found me uninteresting and therefore didn't put forth the effort to getting to know me. Luckily for me, that changed when I spoke back to him and we've been friends ever since. Jong Hwa received his high honors that night and his parents treated us all to dinner. After I'd gotten home, I cried and thanked whatever higher power was listening for giving me such good friends in Korea.

***

Present Day...

I could have swore it dropped another ten degrees by the time we reached Jong Hwa's house but he refused to take the jacket back despite the temperature. It only added to my guilt and I swore I'd make this up to him. During the bus ride I had tried to convince Jong Hwa to let me go to Mae Ri's instead but he kept saying it was too late. Granted, nine p.m. wasn't too incredibly late, it was still later than was politely acceptable and plus, Jong Hwa insisted his mother wanted to see that I was ok with her own eyes which sounded like his mother. She was strict and stubborn, more so than she looked, and no one in her family disobeyed her. I wasn't going to be known as the friend Jong Hwa had who disobeyed her either so I kept my mouth shut after that and resigned myself to my fate.

When we reached Jong Hwa's house, the first thing I did was take off my shoes and slip into the slippers that were reserved for guests and followed Jong Hwa into the foyer which lead to the rest of the house. Jong Hwa's house wasn't very extravagant but it was very..homey. My mother would have called the decor warm because it was mostly filled with neutral browns. The living room had a couch but it was pushed against the far wall, when I asked about why it was so far away from..well...anything else in the room, Jong Hwa said it was because they mostly sat on the floor around the table which was in the middle of the room resting on a well worn artisan rug. I knew without looking that there was a memorial under the window that had a picture of a young girl on the stand with a place holder for incense. I knew better than to ask who it was for but I gathered from the strong resemblance to Jong Hwa's mother that it was her daughter, whether it was Jong Hwa's older or younger sister, I didn't know. I figured if Jong Hwa wanted me to know then he'd tell me on his own and he never had so I left it alone. Jong Hwa asked me to wait while he went to grab his mother and I tried not to feel awkward standing in the living room by myself.

I bowed as soon as they came down the hallway, "Annyeonghaseyo Eomeonim," I said politely. Jong Hwa's mother had always kept her reservations about me but I liked her, I found her no-nonsense attitude to be refreshing and totally belayed her giving nature--I mean, obviously, that's how I ended up here under such circumstances.

    "Annyeong Lily," she nodded at me and gave me a calculating look. "Have you eaten yet," she asked.

    "Ne, Eomeonim," I responded. Truthfully, even if I hadn't eaten earlier, I wouldn't have been able to eat now, not with everything that had happened tonight.

    "Are you lying," Jong Hwa asked me and watched my face intently.

    "No, honestly I--"

    "I'll just make you something small," Jong Hwa's mom cut me off and I knew better than to be upset by it. "It will make me feel better."

And what do you say to that besides, 'yes ma'am'? Nothing, which is how I found myself sitting in Jong Hwa's kitchen eating leftover bean sprout soup. It wasn't my favorite dish but it certainly made me feel better and calmed my stomach down a bit. Jong Hwa was also eating with me though I suspected he was only doing so to make me feel better. We ate in silence for a few minutes before it was broken by Jong Hwa's mother.

    "What happened to your face," she asked abruptly. Like I said, she was no-nonsense but obviously my face was messed up enough that even after an hour later, it was still clearly visible that I'd been hit. I needed to see a mirror as soon as possible.

    "Oma!" Jong Hwa lightly chided his mother.

    "I'm just asking if she's ok" his mother defended herself and look at him briefly before turning back to me. "Are you hurt," she asked me.

    "Aniyo," I tacked on a smile. "Thank you for letting me stay the night," I bowed again for emphasis.

    "Mullon*," she actually waved her hand. "Just one second," she disappeared back into the living room and was gone long enough for Jong Hwa and I to finish our soups.

I washed the bowls while Jong Hwa dried them and put them away along with our silverware.

    "You two look good together," she said easily from the doorway behind us and I nearly choked on my own saliva.

    "Oma!" Jong Hwa turned abruptly and stared at her.

She shrugged lightly but I stared at Jong Hwa's back. He almost sounded outraged that she'd said that. Did he think I'd read into her words and find a secret meaning? Was it so bad that we looked good together? I didn't get a chance to think about it because he was soon turning around and I went back to studiously cleaning out the sink. My heart, which had been fluttering since we left the convenient store, became quiet and felt like a heavy lump in my chest now. Maybe I had been reading into Jong Hwa's actions a little too much without knowing it. Jong Hwa had reacted like any friend would have, there had not been anything special about the way he'd helped me, I told myself. Besides, he likes Mae Ri, don't forget that, I reminded myself.

    "You'll be on the couch tonight," Jong Hwa's mother cut short my depressing revelation.

    "Eung? Ah, thank you," I said and wiped my hands on the towel by the sink.

    "I'm going to bed, don't stay up too late," she pointed at each of us individually before leaving the kitchen.

    "Jalja*" Jong Hwa said before kissing his mother on the cheek.

   "Annyeonghi Jumuseyo*," I said and bowed as she exited the room.

If things weren't already awkward, they sure were now after she'd left. My mood took a drastic downward turn and Jong Hwa wouldn't even look at me. Thinking of anything to break the silence, I remembered Jong Hwa still hadn't given me back my phone.

    "Do you think I could get my phone back," I asked quietly. He nodded and handed me back the phone along with the battery which still hadn't been put back in.

    "Are you going to call your father," he asked me as he watched me replace the battery.

    "No," I answered simply. I didn't feel up to conversing with anyone, especially my father. I didn't think I could feel worse than I did but the more I thought about Jong Hwa's reaction earlier, the worse I felt and now I was stuck in his house for the night. "Actually, I think I'm going to set my alarm and go to bed, I'm really tired."

    "Oh, okay," he walked into the living room and I saw that the couch had been made into a makeshift bed by his mother and further compounded my guilt just by looking at it.

    "That was nice of her, she didn't have too," I said quietly.

    "Lily, are you okay," He asked from behind me.

I didn't have the nerve to turn around, "Yeah, just tired."

    "Okay, because you seem--"

    "I'm just tired," I added a little impatience to my words to get him to leave me alone. Couldn't he see I just wanted to be alone. Luckily he took the hint and left for his bedroom after that.

I laid down on the couch and pulled the blanket over me while I turned my phone back on. I had three voicemails, two of which were my father demanding that I return home and the third was from my mother.

Your father called me. He sounded worried. He said you two had an altercation, whatever that means, and that you had run off. I hope you're safe. *sigh* I know it's tough living with him sometimes but he loves you. I hear you guys are coming home soon, I can't wait to see you. You know, when you're home, you could always come live with me. Anyway, call me when you can and please, call your father. I love you.

I was crying by the time the time I deleted the voicemail. He'd called her but hadn't told her what the 'altercation' was about, he hadn't told her he hit me either. Worried? Yeah, right, I thought. My mother would have been outraged to find out he'd slapped me, no matter how unintentionally and he purposefully left it out. Her voicemail also reminded me that I had to tell her I wasn't going back to America. In my fear of telling my father, I'd forgotten about her. It also reminded me that I hadn't told Jong Hwa either. I couldn't get the tears to stop as one thing compounded the other, god, could this night get any worse?

Aish, don't ask that, Lily, you idiot! It could always get worse, I thought to myself and knocked on the hard food floor beneath the couch to un-jinx myself. Between the fight with Geun Ma earlier, my sore shoulder and then being slapped, today had just gone from bad to worse. With the exception being my acceptance into the program, of course.  I was excited and sad and nervous and, ugh, it was all just too exhausting. I needed to sleep.

I sent my mother a quick text saying I was fine and that I would call her tomorrow and set my alarm for two hours before my usual time. It would give me time to get back to my house and grab my school uniform and backpack and if I was lucky, by then my father would be gone for the day. I pulled the blanket over my head and continued to wipe my tears away. I told myself that tomorrow would be better, it had to be and fell asleep.

***

Jong Hwa...

Maybe she really was tired because by the time I went to check on Lily thirty minutes after saying good night, she was asleep. Of course, I had to pull the blankets back to check because she'd had them over her head but she was in such a deep sleep that she didn't stir at all.. She'd been crying, I could still see the tear streaks on her face, well, that and the pillow was damp. I wanted to wake her up and ask what she'd been crying about but I let that irrational thought go because I knew she needed sleep more than I needed to appease my curiosity.

Her cheek still had the faint hand mark on her face and my anger boiled to the surface again. It had been much brighter when I'd gotten to the store earlier. So bright, in fact, that you could clearly see how big his hand was and could measure it accurately just based off the imprint on her cheek. No matter how she'd broken the news, it could not have been bad enough to merit a slap that hard--or at slap at all. I had to close my eyes and concentrate on breathing normally so as not to wake her up. The last thing I needed was to have her wake up while I was looming over here like a creepy peeping tom. I pulled the blanket back over her and stood up. My phone buzzed in my pocket andI looked at the caller I.D., it was Ji Soo.

    "Eung, Ji Soo," I said quietly as I walked back to my bedroom.

    "She back at your place," he asked.

    "Yeah, she's sleeping on the couch," I shut my bedroom door and went back to the desk where my homework lay unfinished. "Thank you for the help earlier, with the panic attack, I mean."

    "No problem, I'm just glad she's okay. What caused it, do you know?" Ji Soo asked.

    "I know that she broke the news to her dad, about her staying in Korea, and that he didn't take it very--" I took a deep breath and pushed the anger away again. "He hit her, that's all I know." Ji Soo was quiet and let me work through my feelings.

    "Are you ok," He asked after a few moments.

    "I'm angry," I admitted. "And relieved."

    "Relieved?"

    "That she called me," and I was. I was so relieved that she hadn't stopped at trying to call Mae Ri and went home instead. I'm glad that she felt comfortable enough to call me with her problems as well. I'd always been protective of Lily but today was the first time that I realized I couldn't always protect her from everything and it was a hard pill to swallow. I decided I didn't like the feeling.

    "Well, she's safe and that's all that matters. Mae Ri is going to be a bear to handle tomorrow," Ji Soo sighed but not like he was annoyed, in fact, his voice sounded slightly excited. I stifled a chuckle.

    "She's all yours," I said.

    "Don't I know it," he sounded like he was smiling. "Ok, well good night. I'll see you tomorrow!"

    "De*," I said and hung up.

Tomorrow would be interesting. Mae Ri would be a bear but she'd also be upset and feel guilty for missing the events of tonight. At least she could be there for Lily in a way I couldn't be. As long as Lily was ok, I didn't care how awful Mae Ri was tomorrow. I had forgotten to ask about the Lily's discussion with the director and whether or not she'd made it into the program. And if she had, there were a lot of things we'd need to figure out, like how we were going to get her stuff out of the apartment without her father being around to try and stop her. If tonight had proved anything, it was that her father wasn't going to let her stay without a fight and I didn't relish the thought--for Lily's sake. Personally, I was more than happy to go a few rounds with her father except I'd probably get pummeled. I was just some nerdy guy and he was an U.S. Army personnel. I'd most likely get beat into a coma. Either way, we'd all figure it out tomorrow and I went back to doing my homework.

To Be Continued...

***

*Joh-ah: depending on how it's used could mean "Like" or "Fine"--in this instance it's "Fine"

*Mulloniji: "Of course" usually used when trying to convince someone of something.

*Mullon: Same thing, but informal "Of course"

*Jalja: Sounds like Jalga which means good bye but Jalja is the informal version of good night.

*Annyeonghi Jumuseyo: Formal "Good night"

Happy New Year!

Well, it's the start of a new year and (in Minnesota) we're off to a frigid start! Governor Dayton declared that all schools in Minnesota will be shut down due to the extremely cold weather (-20+ degrees)!

I am determined to believe this year will be better than last year because...well, last year was a tough year. I hear that most often from people, it sounds like 2013 wasn't a good year for a lot of people including my husband and I. I could have definitely asked for a better first year of marriage but considering everything that happened this year, I guess it put our marriage to the test and I am happy to say that we must have done something right when we said "I Do" because we're still holding strong.

My husband and I suffered some severe financial losses at the beginning of the year that left us...well, at a severe loss for the rest of 2013. They say that nothing ruins a relationship faster than finances and with our previous history, my husband and I can both attest to that! Quite often we squabbled and downright battled over the littlest of things and it got pretty interesting in our household some days. You know the saying that "When it rains, it pours"? It seemed like every time we had a chance to get ahead, we just never could.

I also lost one of my godparents this year which came not only as a complete shock to both our families but also brought a lot of sadness. I try not to have any regrets in my life because it stops a person from enjoying all that life has to offer but I sincerely wish I would have been able to see him again before he departed this world. Although technically I'd met him as a baby, I'd really only seen him once when I was 15 and spent a few days at his house in California. Although we managed to talk about once every three months--he was either busy or I was--but when we did talk, we spoke worlds to each other and managed to send lots of love to each other in those small conversations. Personally, I know I never left the conversation wondering if he loved me because it was in the words he spoke and in the way he spoke them that told me that he was just as honored to be in my life as I was to be in his. I can only hope and believe that he knew how much I loved him in return. Although he wasn't able to be at my wedding, my father managed to get him a set of photos from my wedding which he received mere weeks before his passing which only goes to prove that...don't wait. If there is anything that can be done right in this moment, do it because there might not be a next time. People say that stuff all the time and no one really listens or understands until it's too late and they have to live with that regret. I spoke with him a few days before he died and I remember him telling me that he didn't know where I'd gotten my dress but damn I looked. I smiled at the time and even now, I have a smile on my face because I can hear the intonation in his voice as he said it and that's a memory I'll cherish forever.

The month of September was by far the worst part of 2013. You would think the month of my one-year wedding anniversary would be a cause for celebration but alas, 2013 threw us a curveball and I got really sick. Like "go-to-the-hospital-something-isn't-right-in-your-head" sick. Which came as a blessing and a curse at the same time. A blessing because despite everything we'd suffered through this year prior to September, things had become pretty desolate between my husband and I but as soon as I got sick he was by my side without hesitation and stuck by me the whole time. It solidified our marriage in a way I'm not sure anything else could have. We both had the sudden realization that I could die and it terrified us both. It began as nothing more than neck pain, a stiff neck--I assumed. But it never went away, it just continued to get worse and worse until I literally went through a brand new bottle of Advil in three days. What started off as calling into work for one day turned into a week and then nearly two weeks. During this time I was misdiagnosed twice before my eyesight started to fade. In a matter of two or three days I had gone from 20-20 vision (w/glasses) to being nearly blind. After seeing an optometrist who sent me to an ophthalmologist, I was ordered--not even advised, I was told "don't go to sleep, go to the hospital"--which is terrifying no matter how you look at it. I got an MRI which confirmed a few things--I did not have a tumor but I had IIH (Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension) which basically means my cerebral spinal fluid was not being processed correctly and began to build to such an amount in my head that the pressure was not only pushing my brainstem into my spinal column (causing the neck pain) but had began to leak into the back of my eyes which caused my detached retinas and subsequent blindness. To make a long story short, I received two lumbar punctures to remove 48 mL of cerebral spinal fluid from my head and was laid up for nearly a week before I could comfortably move around on my own and without help. It took another two months before the verdict would come out on if I'd get my eyesight back and three months later...well...they're not perfect (75% recovered in my left eye, 90% in my right eye) I can see again. Driving at night is a little difficult as well as driving on a bright, sunny day but I can still read--which is the equivalent to my life as I know it--and I'm counting my blessings everyday I wake up and can see the world.

However, as crappy as 2013 was, it did bring a few good things. Although I am still child-barren much to my utter dismay, I do have a child. Well--two technically--my son feels more like mine since we acquired him at eight weeks old rather than 10 years old like we did my daughter. His name is Dobby Vincent Valentine--yes, it's extremely long but...well..lemme back up. I begged my husband to let me have him, first of all. You see, we've been trying to have children for the last three years with (obviously) no luck and the more and more I was childless the harder and harder it became to be around our families/friends who are spitting out children like they're candy! We're talking hospital visits, birthdays, pictures on Facebook, and no matter how much I tried to be happy for everyone and their wonderful little blessings, it brought nothing but despair and pain to me. So, when my friend brought home her little furry bundle of joy, I got an idea! I begged my husband and he finally conceded to my wish and that's how I got Dobby.

He loves to fall asleep with people, if I'm not available, he'll suffice with Daddy

 It was agreed upon that he'd be mine to name and take care of as he'd be my pseudo-son to help me cope with not having a baby. I wanted to name him Vincent Valentine after the infamous Final Fantasy VII character but my mother hated the idea! My husband would have gone along with it if I'd really pushed but he said "Why don't we name him Dobby?" and I took one look at him and thought..."Yup...that's his name." But, stubborn mule that I am, I said his name was Dobby Vincent Valentine. So when he's in trouble, I am not above shouting "Dobby Vincent Valentine!" Which, I do quite often because he's a little shite that likes to test Mommy's patience. However, when he's tired and wants to sleep, he's not above cuddling up next to me--no matter what I might be doing at that very moment--and tells me it's sleepy time. It's growing up much faster than I'd prefer--even at only seven months, he's ridiculously tall and I can't imagine how he'll look when  he's 1 year!

In the midst of working on my Korean, Dobby decided it was bedtime for us both

Although, it didn't take very long for Dobby to declare himself master of the household...

Fell asleep waiting for Mommy
to be done with work

Along with Dobby came a lot of new experiences--some of which were good. I've finally learned how to Knit! I know it doesn't sound all that exciting but remember how I said "Don't put things off that can be accomplished now?" Well, I finally learned with the help of a very dear friend. I'm also learning Korean, sounds weird that out of all the languages I could chose to learn, it'd be Korean but I've always liked to be different so Korean it is! Of course, it's all entirely the fault of the same friend who taught me to knit, but that's neither here nor there because if it wasn't for her, I would never discovered the awesomeness and beauty that is the Korean culture. She's changed my whole world around and I can't find a reason to not thank her for it.

Although, I won't say this year was a life changing year--in some ways, yes, in some ways no--but I've learned a lot about myself this year and for that, I guess I can say goodbye to 2013 with some dignity and grace, if not the "good riddance" I'd prefer to send it off with. I'm looking forward to 2014 and I have faith that this year...will be better than the last. I hope it is for everyone else as well....

I hope this song bring as much inspiration to you as it does to me when I'm feeling like I just can't take it anymore...